Advice on how to say no to family/friend gatherings because of time spent on drumming.

santi.plays.the.drums

santi.plays.the.drums

New Member
Hi everyone,

Santi here. I am new to drumming. I played rhythm guitar for punk bands, nothing serious just having fun and as result got to socialize and meet many great artists.

Fast forward, I picked up the sticks and immediately fell in love with the instrument. I seeker and found a mentor/teacher and have my own studio place but lately I find myself spending more and more time rehearsing. And I actually am noticing improvement.

It doesn’t affect my work life since I am on a set schedule but my friends and family just don’t understand when I tell them I have to practice.

Has anyone have had this problem? If so what was your experience like? How did you put it into context so your loved ones understand that this is important to me. I do want to make it a side profession.

And by the way, when I say family, I am talking about parents, siblings, uncles, etc. I am single and no kids.
 
I would NOT tell them No. Take time, visit with family… friends. You will not suffer anything by missing a little practice.
Im sure practice is very important to you, but it is only practice. You may one day have regrets thinking back of missing people in your life. You will never think back and miss a practice session.
Go have fun with family and friends… leave the attitude at home.
 
santi.plays.the.drums said:
Hi everyone,

Santi here. I am new to drumming. I played rhythm guitar for punk bands, nothing serious just having fun and as result got to socialize and meet many great artists.

Fast forward, I picked up the sticks and immediately fell in love with the instrument. I seeker and found a mentor/teacher and have my own studio place but lately I find myself spending more and more time rehearsing. And I actually am noticing improvement.

It doesn’t affect my work life since I am on a set schedule but my friends and family just don’t understand when I tell them I have to practice.

Has anyone have had this problem? If so what was your experience like? How did you put it into context so your loved ones understand that this is important to me. I do want to make it a side profession.

And by the way, when I say family, I am talking about parents, siblings, uncles, etc. I am single and no kids.
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Welcome to DW.

Yeah I totally get what you're going through. I am a career singer/songwriter myself and got catapulted in the drumming world when I joined a novelty band a few years ago. That band has guys all playing some non-primary instruments. It was funny at first because we were all equally bad and had zero pressure but the thing blew up fast and believe it or not, we got actual paying gigs, so I had to fast forward the learning process.
This instrument is easy to get caught up into. It is a blast to play, but as soon as you learn something that opens one musical new door, a multitude of yet un-opened ones appear. That old cliché of "the more I learn, the more I understand how much there is yet to learn" is very much what's going on there...

This seemingly simplest of instruments (everybody can bash along to the Billie Jean beat in a few minutes) hides an infinity of nuances and layers upon layers of possibilities and complexity.

I get your practice bulimia, I'm that way too. A kit is permanently setup in my living room, complete with a whole mic assortment and cameras, ready for either the impromptu inspiration or to record/film my practice sessions for future analysis and dissection. And there ain't a lot of things I'd rather do than play my heart out for hours on end.

But as important as drumming/progress is to you or I, having a bit of familly support is just as important. And that may mean sacrificing a few hours to attend events here and there.

A few half-day breaks won't make a difference in the grand scheme of things.

Good luck and happy hollidays.
 
If you want to be a good drummer you are going to have to put in lots of practice, so you’re just going to have to tell them point blank, and schedule some time to see them when you know you can.
 
I hope this doesn't come off as a personal attack and maybe i'm projecting but are you sure you aren't using the drums to avoid certain social situations?

I get prioritising practice over random hang outs but if you can't make Christmas or a friend or family members birthday party for example i'd start to wonder if there's some underlying issue at play.

I'm extremely introverted so the temptation to do the same is always there but if I'm honest with myself I know when I'm trying to find a justification to avoid something I find uncomfortable.
 
Drumming is a life long journey so take your time. Family can be changed almost instantly and if that happens you can't go back so you're left wishing you had spent more time with them. Play as much as you can or want but don't neglect those who love you. Words from an old drummer
 
I'm the same as lefty2. As one gets older ( I'm 70) there is a realisation, IMV anyway, that some things can't be replaced , and sometimes people are quickly gone from our lives. I love drumming and practicing and playing gigs. I've missed the odd family show because of a gig but its a rarity. Time spent with my family, kids , grandkids etc is precious to me - I guess because I know I have less time left.
 
Family is more important- not all will be with you forever so enjoy them while you can- your drums will always be there as well as the journey to play well.
 
It's great to have drumming be part of your life, but it can't be your whole life. Family is always more important.

I've been juggling/balancing/managing drumming with the events and people in my life for more than 40 years, and came through it all with a successful career in music that didn't destroy friends and family. No regrets here.

You don't want regrets. Make sure your priorities are in order. Don't sacrifice family or relationships for the drums. It's not worth it.
 
Gigs?..ya..family will understand but practice? during THOSE times do the Bob Gatzen thing and have a practice pad mounted suction cup from the windshield and get some 🏋 reps in on the way to 👪 family time. 😃.
 
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Another thing to consider is making sure your practice sessions are effective and efficient so you can get a lot done in little time and still participate in regular life events. "Deliberate Practice" is the term to research for this.
 
As a guy who passed 50 some years back, I understand where most of the comments are coming from and agree with them. Family is not only the most important thing in the world to me, but also my favorite—my wife's my best friend and spending as much time with my kids and siblings and dad as I can is by far my preferred way to spend my time.

But OP, our new friend, is single and doesn't have any kids, and hopes to make music his profession. So if there is a time to go HAM on practicing, this is it.

(Maybe wait until after the holidays, though.)
 
Fully appreciate that when you feel you are on a roll, gaining momentum improving your skills, that almost ‘forced’ downtime can feel frustrating - but you only get one family and time with them is valuable, for both you and them.

Also, breaks from drumming are healthy.

My advice is to also find a way to spend time both with loved ones and the instrument.
 
santi.plays.the.drums said:
It doesn’t affect my work life since I am on a set schedule
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Perhaps you can create a set schedule for your drum practice, then let family & friends know and work out what’s best. This time of year, for many people, is a time of stopping our daily routine for family time and social visits, and it’s fairly brief.
 
This is such a great question for a drummer forum. It's a bit polarizing too, because there is more than one right answer, and those 'right' answers seem to totally contradict eachother.

As others have said, what we call family is one of the most unique things in our lives. Unique to us each personally and unique in that it is the very "substance" of what we call society. That said, sometimes the drum dream is too strong even for the bonds of family traditions.
If you imagine yourself playing at "professional" level, there's a path ahead of you that cannot be short-cutted or adjusted to fit a very busy non-drummer lifestyle.

If your drummer life is casual enough that you can actually schedule practice and gigs around the other stuff on a normal person's calendar, then absolutely do what you can to preserve your family customs and social obligations. The other cats in this thread aren't wrong about the importance of family. But you need to be very honest with yourself about how serious you are going to take this drumming thing.
For example, if you cancel all your extra familiar activities to play drums, and after ten years you are still a mediocre drummer, then yes I think that was not a worthy trade, and you may end up regretting missing those moments with your people.

So it really does matter how much time each and every day you intend on playing your drums, starting now, and even long into the future when you get really good. You don't have the moral authority to blow off grandma for drum practice if you haven't actually been practicing every single day up to that point. So yes it's a bit of a paradox because you can't stop practicing until you get there, and you can't ever get there if you have to keep pausing to do other "real life" things.

By the time I decided to re-commit myself to playing drums "for real this time", I had already had my fill of video game parties and movies and hanging out drinking with non-muso friends. And as the months of solitary practicing turned into years, my friends and family actually seemed to be pretty understanding of the whole thing. Even though I was no longer taking those summer and holiday road trips down to Oregon to see extended family, it seemed that my family had begun to admire what I was doing from afar. As long as I kept up with my drumming progress portfolio, I always had something of value to share with family members when they asked what I had been up to.

One of the clearest omens for me that I wasn't doing anything wrong, was when one or two of my friends and cousins mentioned in passing how they were bored with their own life and they found their friends and familiy reunions to be boring. Then they each said, in their own way, how they wished they had decided to play music or do art or something, so they had something of their very own to be passionate about and to be proud of.
 
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The question you posed, that hasn't been answered is " advice on how to say no"
The answer is just say no and explain your reasons. But the fact you are asking how, tells me you don't want to spend time with friends and family.
In my opinion, I agree with others you should indeed take some time off from drumming for friends/family. What is just a day? These are people who may be there for you when in need some day.
Happy Christmas either way.
 
No matter what your passion is, there's always time to touch grass, be with family, take breaks. You may or may not develop into an amazing world-class drummer, but you'll always be part of the family.
 
opentune said:
The question you posed, that hasn't been answered is " advice on how to say no"
The answer is just say no and explain your reasons.
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+1 Good point, lol. And well said.

For my part I sorta got caught up in the spirit of the thread and forgot the OPs question. But yeah it's basically that simple. And on some level the non-drummers in your life will never actually understand why you want to be in a drum cave all the time while they are doing human things.

So really just do the drumming and if you must contemplate what to say to your people next time they ask, you'll have plenty of time to come up with new ways of explaining your new passion. To be honest I don't think I've ever given my grandma an explanation she was really satisfied with. But then again she has half a dozen other family members ready to come visit her when she feels lonely. And I'm that much farther along in my drumming journey for it.
 
Watch Whiplash. That’s what happens when you say no to everything except practice.

Although ironically enough, the lead character actually sucks at drumming despite all his practicing. Until the very end, when the story arc dictates that he’s suddenly good. But that’s besides the point.
 
Part of being a well adjusted individual is knowing and learning how to deal with family. Friends are different, you choose them, but family is where there can be both a ton of fun and the greatest stress. Avoiding people and focusing solely on practice may make you a better drummer (highly debatable), but you’ll be the out of work drummer, because you only learned how to feed your own desires, focusing less on others, so you’ll be the one others will wish to avoid.

Believe me, I’ve got some of the craziest family out there, between cultural mismatches and misfits to those with no filters and those we never see, because they won’t come out, we have it all covered. If people are honest, that’s pretty much every family. These are the same people you have to deal with to succeed in life.

Over-practicing or over-focusing on anything is a good way to either burn out or forget to be human. Too many of those in the world already and too easy to become one. Being a good and well adjusted person takes effort and doing things we don’t always want to, but need to.
 
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