Two issues are at play here - the first being that you are hearing a studio-processed sound that can't easily be achieved by naked acoustic drums, and the second being that a drum sounds completely different to the audience than it does to the drummer.
Before EQ'ing, a drum has a full spectrum of frequencies within its sound - as do most sonic events. In the studio, the rich deep tone of the tom is isolated and tweaked to make it dominant, and other frequencies are minimized if not completely removed. That is difficult to do with the naked ear, but I have found that wearing good hearing protection (such as acoustic muffs) helps with the effect.
Secondly, the higher frequencies within a tom sound help it to cut through the amplified guitars and other instruments of the band to reach the audience, especially when unmiked. I tend to tune my drums a bit higher than seems intuitive, but it invariably seems to turn out better when performing live.
None of these things necessarily matter if your primary audience for playing right now is you yourself, and perhaps your bedroom wall. I suggest tuning the drums in such a way that they sound as pleasing as possible, but don't worry too much about getting an exact sound such as you hear in a video or on a recording.