Wow, great thread, how did I miss this one?
First I'd like to offer up a couple things for review/discussion.
Don't Use a Metronome
http://adamrafferty.wordpress.com/2008/02/27/dont-use-a-metronome/
This is a controversial (to some) article about quantized time versus African-style "body-rhythm" and is quite enlightening if you've never thought about groove and time from this perspective. There's a video of him playing guitar in there, and he's obviously rushing the time, but he's placing the notes where
he wants them to be and it
feels amazing! If this thread is as much about the ability to place the notes where
you want them to be, and you're worried about how you
feel while you're playing, then eat this up.
Next I must say I appreciate that Victor Wooten has been brought into the discussion already, because he's a fine example of
everything you could
ever want achieve as a musician. So I'll run with that, and offer up his incredible DVD, Groove Workshop:
http://www.amazon.com/Victor-Wooten-Groove-Workshop/dp/B001DPC4I2
There are so many jaw-dropping, paradigm-shifting, and outright mind-melting moments on that DVD, and several sections are totally focused around what you're trying to get to - the free and easy mastery of placing the notes EXACTLY WHERE YOU WANT THEM.
In my own experience, I find focusing on one specific beat within a bar or within half of the bar, and trying to nail that successfully - letting everything around it out of your mind - can be a great exercise. You just let the other parts of the bar drift away, and theres only that ONE BEAT and you have to nail only that every single time. Even if the other parts sound like crap, that one note has to be in EXACTLY the place you want it. Record yourself, check out the waveform - get that one note right in the pocket.
Similar to what lochday said (and in keeping with the New Breed tradition) you can pick a word, count, or sound to utter at that moment to emphasize it. I usually focus on the snare to begin (I do beat 4 first, then 2, then both of them), then move to beat one, then beat 3, the "ah" of four, the upbeat of 3, and then on through more elaborate groupings of upbeats or syncopated patterns (the "ah of 1 and 3 + the "and" of 2 and 4 have been of interest lately, drawing from the Afro-Cuban tradition which I know you dig on).
For context, I'll usually do this against a metronome or while grooving along to some hip-hop. I just want to focus on the different parts of a repetitive groove, so most dance and pop music will work nicely as well (I heartily recommend 60s r&b and funky-house music).
Oh, and PS. Wooten also wrote a deliciously weird book called "The Music Lesson" - it's a fantastic read and I highly recommend it.