Bandmate comparing me to other drummer

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drummer_97

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Okay, so this might be a bit weird but anyways. My bandmate, who is a singer/bassist compares me ALL THE TIME to one quite well known professional drummer. He's way cooler, more handsome, has amazing body and of course he's better to play drums. She claims that she is in "love" with this person, and that's why I feel like I'm easily replaceable, or I should be more like him so then I would be "good enough" to be in our band. So what should I do?

P.s. I've dealt with this depression, anxiety and negative self-image, but I'm still healing from that. So this isn't helping at all.

This is a random thread, but I needed to get that out of my chest because this is hurting so much.
 
you should ignore this person and just be who you are.
if that doesn't work ask her to not project her 'love' for somebody else on to you.
she sounds weird
 
Who decides who is cooler, more handsome, or has a better body?

Unless this person; 1) Cooks your meals, 2) Pays your bills, or 3) Signs your paycheck, why do you care what they think?

Sorry to be so glib about that, I'm just trying to make a point. I wouldn't stress about trying to be someone else, just be yourself.

Also, I think you're in the wrong band....
 
Well, that sucks. I think what's required is that you assert yourself a little bit, and tell her you don't want to hear it. What's she going to do-- fire you from the situation that's making you miserable? You don't have to make an emotional showdown out of it, just: "Yeah, I don't need to hear that. Talk to somebody else about how much you love that other drummer. Don't talk to me about it any more." And then change the subject.
 
P.s. I've dealt with this depression, anxiety and negative self-image, but I'm still healing from that. So this isn't helping at all.

Is it possible that "dealt" is the wrong tense?

It sounds like she's insensitive, inconsiderate, and self centered. This is a pretty normal, and found in a tremendous number of performers. It might even be a prerequisite.

More worrying is that it gets to you, and you're all shook-up. Find a bit of space and get fit. Therapy, shrink, meditation, medication, profound journey, whatever.

Unless I'm reading the subtext wrong and you've actually been banging her... In which case... yeah, that can hurt. Same medicine, different dose.
 
Is this a grown up bassist that you're talking about or a 14 years old?
She sounds like my 14 yrs old daughter.
Women can be annoying at that age.
Don't take it personally. She will get easier on you by 15, 16...
 
So, why is she not playing with him? Is it that she's not good enough, or did she annoy the previous drummer with constant hounding!?
 
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You could give her a taste of her own medicine, just for laughs.
 
You could give her a taste of her own medicine, just for laughs.

I'd do this- people don't like it when they get a taste of their own medicine.

To the OP- I wouldn't worry, some people have a grass is greener mentality- it is totally her issue and nothing at all to do with you.
 
I'd do this- people don't like it when they get a taste of their own medicine.

To the OP- I wouldn't worry, some people have a grass is greener mentality- it is totally her issue and nothing at all to do with you.
That seems immature. I think Toddbishop has it right; let her know where you stand, how it makes you feel, and move on. If it continues, you know she doesn't respect you ; never mind as a musician, but a person. At that point, it's probably not a good situation for anyone.
 
That seems immature. I think Toddbishop has it right; let her know where you stand, how it makes you feel, and move on. If it continues, you know she doesn't respect you ; never mind as a musician, but a person. At that point, it's probably not a good situation for anyone.

In my experience it works better than a direct approach.
People don't like to be called on their bad behaviour and will attempt to gaslight- meaning they will try to shift the blame back to the the person objecting by saying things such as 'it is all in your mind", or "you are too sensitive".

A less direct approach puts the ball in their court- if they object you can simply draw a parallel to their own behaviour and agree to stop it if they will.
 
Well. It's not uncommon. Singers are the worst and if they're female and high on society's standard scale of physically attractive, they don't have to be, but they are often even worse.

It's really all narcissism and projecting their own insecurities on to others. It's a kind og bullying and if you're a nice and polite person or you stand out a little bit they view that as a weakness they can exploit to feel superior or convince themselves that they're in with some other part of the group.

Instead of getting inspired and improve themselves, they rely on pulling other people down.

It's all over the place. Not just in bands.
 
"You always pull the pig-tails of the one you like." Or something like that.

I suspect it's the comments about your drumming that are really upsetting you. Well, they shouldn't. Even if the last guy was a more accomplished drummer than you, so what? There will always be someone "better" than you, but music is more than the virtuosity of the individuals. Surely you've heard better singers than this girl and better bassists? But I'm guessing that you haven't felt the need to rub her nose in it.

The other personal comments are just strange. I've teased girls that I like, but I've never met an unattractive woman and felt compelled to tell her how she is inferior to the women that I am attracted to. Who's this girl trying to convince?

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks." Or she's got other problems that you don't need to worry yourself with.

You're twenty years-old, you're in a band. You need to enjoy this time and see where it takes you. You'll need to work out whether you can do that in this band. But for God's sake don't lose confidence in yourself or your music because of an immature girl.
 
You are 20, so I'm guessing she is also young, and my approach would be to take her aside and just tell her you are tired of the comparisons. Tell her it needs to stop. At the same time, learn to ignore this type of behavior and move on. You will see a lot of comparisons in your life. Some good, some bad.
 
While I never want to paint with a broad brush on things, in my experience she is in that awkward age of 12 to 30.......

Direct approach. Find a back bone on this one.

It is one thing to be asked to play something differently if it truly improves the result you are going for....it is another for someone with wish someone else is behind the kit when they turn around because she drools over that guy when alone with her thoughts.

Frankly if I heard that shit, I would get his number and dial it up and hand it to her......"hire him or move on and STFU"........that is my knee jerk reaction to this thread this morning :)
 
Why do you care? It isn't a constructive criticism-so why bother to entertain her comments-I'd just ignore her. See the key-you ignore it-it's up to you. You are having some insecurity issues-welcome to the club-but don't feed it with her comments-you are doing a pretty job of beating up yourself already it seems (oh I've been there too about the same age-course then I overcompensated and went the other extreme a few years but like the Buddha found the middle path and a happy medium). You are going to be OK-take the self-criticism to make yourself better rather than mire in your feelings. It takes fire to make steel man-you can drip off as slag or become the steel.
 
People don't like to be called on their bad behaviour and will attempt to gaslight- meaning they will try to shift the blame back to the the person objecting by saying things such as 'it is all in your mind", or "you are too sensitive".

We don't know how she's going to respond, but he can't get into a back and forth about it. He doesn't have to prove anything to her. The easiest thing to do is to agree with whatever her response is, and then bring it right back to I don't want to hear that stuff any more.
 
Sit down and have a talk with her. Share your feelings with her just like you shared your feelings with us.
You will be surprised how well it will work.

However in case it does not work, do as Larry said and introduce her to Yolanda the bass player.



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