My Holiday Epiphany

con struct

Platinum Member
I had a sort of epiphany last night.

I was at a bar where there's a weekly jam session for local jazz musicians. Marlon Patton was on the drums and man, can that guy play! He's one of the most original and seriously good, good, good jazz drummers I've ever heard, seriously. I've never seen anyone play quite the way he does. He's not just a jazz drummer, he's a jazz musician. I think he's quite brilliant and I very much hope that he gets his due recognition.

Anyway I was watching this guy and suddenly I realized that I'd done enough. I'd done it. It was as if a collar was removed from around my neck. Suddenly I felt really happy. I saw the future as vast store of possibilities, one that I am free to venture into and to partake of all that is on offer. I almost felt that I'd grown wings. I looked around the room at all the players there and, it's corny to say it, but I felt a great love for all of them. I knew their struggles and frustrations, I knew their ecstasies and disappointments, and I just loved them all.

But no more of that for me. I'm fifty-seven years old and I've been playing music professionally since I was nineteen. And now I think I'm done. I'm all played out. I can't compete with these amazing young cats out there and they sure as hell don't need me. Anyway, I was never all that much of a jazz drummer. People told me that I could play, hell, even Greg Osby told me that, but I never really felt that I was up to all that much.

It's a load off, I'll tell you. I have nothing left to prove. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not going to pack my drums away and I'll probably always write music. And if nobody minds very much I believe I'll continue to hang around here.

Aw, mercy. What a life, what a party it's all been! But it's time for other things. Now I just have to find out what those things are. And it's a very exciting and liberating feeling.

So, Merry Christmas to all you wonderful drummers. I'll always be one of you and that makes me feel damned proud.
 
Now it's YOUR time, old mate. Nothing left to prove, nothing left you feel you need to get out of it........not a bad place to be. The rest is for pure enjoyment....and enjoy, I hope you will now that the "load is off your shoulders".

So am I taking it that you're in a state of semi-retirement and are no longer actively chasing work.....or is it just as simple as a change in mindset that will allow you to feel no pressure any longer and 'come what may'?

Make sure you do continue to hang around here....too much entertainment still to come, I feel. I know I'd miss the giggle, especially all that "love"...man, I thought I was reading a post from Crazy8's there for a minute. :)
 
I think I know what you are saying, but lean not too far towards the "what's the use" attitude...Like the above poster said- Now it's your time. The Taoist philosophy says that it's the striving that ruins us, just accept. Bruce Lee says, "Art reaches it's greatest peak when devoid of self consciousness. Freedom discovers man the moment he loses concern over what impression he is making or is about to make."

Now you are free.
 
Oh man I'm getting teary eyed over here. Best wishes my friend! I'm at the very beginning of my journey as a professional so that was profound to me. Glad I read it. Merry Christmas to you, too!
-Zac Sullivan
 
Merry Christmas.....Im glad you feel satisfied with you life. Just remember that you may not be able to compete with the "young cats" but you will always have somthing they need and that is Wisdom. The best player in the world at 19 cant fully understand a full life journey. So CHEERS mate!!!
 
Hey man! Interesting revelation. I wonder if it will stick, or if you find this is just a phase. I don't say that insultingly or whatever...it's just that I've gone through those moments, too, where I feel like, "Man, I played 200 shows this year, I've got endorsements, played in front of 70,000+ people, toured Europe and North America, and now I'm just ready to settle down and look at something else, focus on family, etc." Then two weeks later, I'm back to gigging 7 nights a week and booking a bunch more gigs for the next year. Of course, I'm only 29, but still...

If this is one of those moments for you, then enjoy it, but don't kick yourself when you dive back in full-force. And if it's not, and you really are done with the professional angle of it all, then good for you for realizing it and embracing it, and I hope whatever you find to take up all that time is as positive as I know drumming has been for you!
 
...

Excuse me, but what was the epiphany again? huh?


... naw, this is of of the awesomest threads I have ever read on DW. Considering I'm a wear -your-heart-on your-sleeve kind of guy, younger by 7 years, of course I think what you've experienced is a real biggie.

Life, career, survival, insecurities, self esteem, competitiveness, compromises, being beaten down, picking yourself up again and again, the highs, the lows, the validation, the glory etc etc yadayada.. I think we try and add all that up at some point in our lives and suddenly discover we cant do the math.

Then all thats left are fuzzy feelings.

And if we are lucky those feelings involve more of peace and love and less of bitterness or a sense of loss and betrayal.

Its a time when we are looking for a lot of answers to question that we cannot even formulate. However, I also happen to think that some of life's biggest questions are very simple ones.

Who am I? & What am I doing here? I think we struggle with this question all our lives

I suspect the deeper answers are are very simple too. When serious scholars asked the Dalai Lama about the secret of his serenity, wisdom, and humanity, heres what he he said; " I eat well and I sleep well".


I think you are in a beautiful place now, Jay. Just play the music and live the moment.

You just might make the best music of your life. Without ego, without expectation, without obligation. Thats the purest expression of self.

As far as hanging up your sticks, I dont think anybody can really stop being a musician, but one can stop beating oneself up, thats for sure. I think you've just done that.

Good luck & merry Christmas.

...
 
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Con struct .... merry christmas to you. Good deal. It is freedom in knowing, you've been there, you've done that ... and now, it's just all gravy. When the "big deals" suddenly aren't big any more, life becomes way more fun.
 
Anyway I was watching this guy and suddenly I realized that I'd done enough. I'd done it. It was as if a collar was removed from around my neck. Suddenly I felt really happy. I saw the future as vast store of possibilities, one that I am free to venture into and to partake of all that is on offer. I almost felt that I'd grown wings. I looked around the room at all the players there and, it's corny to say it, but I felt a great love for all of them. I knew their struggles and frustrations, I knew their ecstasies and disappointments, and I just loved them all.

....Aw, mercy. What a life, what a party it's all been! But it's time for other things. Now I just have to find out what those things are. And it's a very exciting and liberating feeling.

So, Merry Christmas to all you wonderful drummers. I'll always be one of you and that makes me feel damned proud.

Parts of your post make it feel like it's been pulled from a great novel - it's very inspiring.
Merry Christmas back to you...
 
Yea Jay I don't know how you managed to make a statement like "I'm done striving on the drumset" sound warm and fuzzy, but you did. I did get a really unique feeling reading your OP, like you've reached the mountaintop, and shared with us the sight of a beautiful vista laid out before you.
Epiphanies rock!
 
Good stuff...I couldn't help thinking of a book I read while reading your post... its "the power of now"... all about being in the present... living this moment and feeling the love and presence of everything around you...I tend to spend most of my time reliving past or planning future... gotta dig that book back out and read it again... Merry Christmas and Thanks
 
Thats one of the hardest things to come to grips with. It's great that you feel that way and can be happy with what you have done and how far you have gotten all of these years. And to think you have music to thank for that. That can't be taken away and will remain inside of you for sure. Stick around, you are still a drummer.
 
I know quite a few people who sacrifice the present worrying about some future thing, or reliving some past hardship on the anniversary of that hardship...To me it's a waste

The past is gone, the future will take care of itself with or without my worrying, so what's the point? There's a great line I read once:

I've suffered through thousands of catastrophies, most of which never occurred.

That really hit home for me.

Right now is all you really get. I don't want to ignore my right now in favor of the past or the future.

What this has to do with the OP I'm not sure.
 
Read the OP again and felt compelled to again express how much I dig it. You have inspired me to focus more on making the most of my drumming, not taking things for granted, and having fun. I'm so glad I read the OP at this point in my life. Not that I wasn't already a positive drummer. I feel just a little more positive. I thank you con struct.
And Ace, very well put. You'd make a good writer. This thread and forum rules!
 
Thanks for sharing your inspiring epiphany, man. I can only hope that I reach that mindset someday, without the aid of certain chemicals.

Cocktail Frank is smiling down on you this Christmas. Have a pineapple...

Ha, it amazes me how these things persist in the collective memory round here!

I'm almost tempted to up the alert status to clementine. Or maybe it should go down to avocado.

Yes, let's celebrate with an avocado alert!
 
I love threads like this...right from the heart. Good one!

Maybe this is the point of maturity that great musicians reach, when they in turn become outstanding ones. Freedom from a competitive, driven approach might open up a whole new world for you...one that all of us benefit from.

Happy for ya. ;)
 
That sounds sane, Jay. When I read your post I was wondering what it was you've thrown off. Then I read Abe's post ... really enjoyed both.

We gain a lot when we get older - weight, wrinkles, weariness, worn parts and the kind of complexity that happens when you keep renovating a house to the point that there are all these weird nooks and crannies everywhere and almost everything is held together with gaffer tape.

Fortunately, by reaching a point where we've either "made it" or we haven't and not much is going to change, we are also freed up to knock half the house down and rebuild without worrying about sabotaging future success or not achieving our potentials - or even if we finish the refurb or not. The act of refurbishing is enough.

Was it really an epiphany or something that you've been heading towards for some time and you just made a plateau jump? You've always struck me as having a pretty Zen approach to music, but maybe not always towards other musicians ... stick around and I'm sure you can rediscover your ability to not suffer fools gladly :)
 
And now I think I'm done. I'm all played out.

I think feeling played out is the point where you start making music- or at least where you're no longer playing for a certain type of ego gratification. It sounds like you surrendered something you didn't need.

Your post reminded me a little bit of this story from Free Play, particularly the "nothing to lose" part:

A new flute was invented in China. A Japanese master musician discovered the subtle beauties of its tone and brought it back home, where he gave concerts all around the country. One evening he played with a community of musicians and music lovers who lived in a certain town. At the end of the concert, his name was called. He took out the new flute and played one piece. When he was finished, there was silence in the room for a long moment. Then the voice of the oldest man was heard from the back of the room: “Like a god!”

The next day, as this master was packing to leave, the musicians approached him and asked how long it would take a skilled player to learn the new flute. “Years,” he said. They asked if he would take a pupil, and agreed. After he left, they decided among themselves to send a young man, a brilliantly talented flautist, sensitive to beauty, diligent and trustworthy. They gave him money for his living expenses and for the master’s tuition, and sent him on his way to the capital, where the master lived.

The student arrived and was accepted by his teacher, who assigned him a single, simple tune. At first he received systematic instruction, but he easily mastered all the technical problems. Now he arrived for his daily lesson, sat down, and played his tune – and all the master could say was, “Something lacking.” The student exerted himself in every possible way; h he practiced for endless hours; yet day after day, week after week, all the master said was, ” Something lacking.” He begged the master to change the tune, but the master said no. The daily playing, the daily “something lacking” continued for months on end. The student’s hope of success and fear of failure became ever magnified, and swung from agitation to despondency.

Finally the frustration became too much for him. One night he packed his bag and slinked out. He continued to live in the capital city for some time longer, until his money ran dry. He began drinking. Finally, impoverished, he drifted back to his own part of the country. Ashamed to show his face to former colleagues, he found a hut far out in the countryside. He still possessed his flutes, still played but found no new inspiration in music. Passing farmers heard him play and sent their children to him for beginner’s lessons. He lived this way for years.

One morning there was a knock at his door. It was the oldest past-master from his town, along with the youngest student. They told him that tonight they were going to have a concert, and they had all decided it would not take place without him. With some effort they overcame his feelings of fear and shame, and almost in a trance he picked up a flute and went with them. The concert began. As he waited behind the stage, no one intruded on his inner silence. Finally, at the end of the concert, his name was called. He stepped out onto the stage in his rags. He looked down at his hands, and realized that he had chosen the new flute.

Now he realized that he had nothing to gain and nothing to lose. He sat down and played the same tune he had played so many times for his teacher in the past. When he finished, there was silence for a long moment. Then the voice of the oldest man was heard, speaking softly from the back of the room: “Like a god!”
 
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