IN a perfect world you are right, put people are not taught that saying anymore over here SAD !,Not sure about other countries, but in my experience (mostly UK and a little bit in US) kit share is or at least was up until lockdown the norm at venues less than 200-300 capacity. The reason being backstage space at the venue/club is often limited and set-up time has to be kept to a minimum; also small venues often only have one set of drum mics. Sometimes, a little more leeway for self organised gigs or outdoor festivals; but even then it’s often pre-agreed, one backline kit for all bands (either a hire kit or a kit supplied by headline).
Taking a stance that no one can use your kit or that you need your own elaborate 8 tom 3 kick kit is really not an option. No one will book you if the drummer starts acting up, your guitarist probably has this behaviour covered anyway. The best option, if lower down the billing is to bring key components and switch them out. The problem is elevated when drummers use racks, racks are very hard on other drummers in that the heights are hard to adjust without some major re-engineering.
The saying treat other drummers kits as you would like yours to be treated holds true. Although some drummers are fussy /particular and others don’t care one jot.