Playing music while having first child

ADrummerGuy said:
Backdrop... We've been together for 36 years. My wife is and has always been extremely supportive of all of my musical endeavors. Never once has she remotely suggested a 'yes or no' in anything pertaining to my musical life. That said, she always trusted me to keep things in-check. I truly believe I have. Not only gigging wise but money wise as well.

When we had our child it was me who backed off a bit. I was already working a very heavy fulltime job so my home time was limited to begin with. It was WAY more important to me to be home than on ANY stage playing ANY music. At that point I reduced my teaching schedule to 4 private students and gigs to about 6 per year. My personal practice time was reduced to about 4 hours per week which revolved around family time.

As time moved along, I took on more gigs but very carefully. I had no intentions on being out more than 3x per month.

Many years later, I'd still rather be home with my family than on a stage. However, the musician in me exists and the balance is back to about 10-15 gigs per year, 6-10 hours per week of personal practice and up to 2x per month of band rehearsals (sometimes less).

My family does and will always come first. I knew everything would change once the decision was made to enter into being a parent. I'm beyond OK with it. I got SO much out of my system from the time I was 17 and onwards.

At this point in my life, I am most happy with the balance. Being a father is the greatest gift ever and there's no gear or band that can compete.

Congratulations on your new family.
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Thank you for sharing!
 
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petrez said:
I took a few months off from gigging after both my sons, I had two bands going at the time of my firstborn, one at the second (2 bands was definately too much to handle with kids). I can totally understand the feeling of playing lousy gigs with an original band, unless it feels really rewarding in other aspects (recording, making music you really enjoy, great band members etc.), adding on top of that a bad consciousness for staying away from home. I myself would probably go insane if I had taken more than a couple of months off though, but it helped that I usually don't have too many gigs (maybe 8-10 a year), on the average week I just go away a few hours one day for practice. On the gigs were we travel a bit further and maybe stay at a hotel saturday/sunday, my wife usually take the kids to her parents and stay there for the weekend, which she seem to be cool with. If that had not been an option though, she might grew a bit tired of it... I don't know. Everyone has different situations though, you just have to feel it out. Maybe wait to do the decision until a bit of time after the kid comes.

On another note, my dad is a drummer as well, had some bands going before he became a father, He took a long time-off from drumming, I guess for at least 12-15 years, until me and my siblings grew up.. He had some health issues as well, but I kind of always felt that I would not do the same unless I was forced to somehow.
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I am fortunate to be playing cool music with good people but you definitely hit the nail on the head.
 
If I had children, they would lie about their age to join the military, so as to experience a comparatively
lighthearted, carefree, and nurturing environment.
 
*update*

I started this thread back in September and totally forgot to come back and give a little update...

I found out shortly after my initial positing that my wife and I are in fact expecting our first child due this May! Without going into too much detail, around the time I started this thread she had an idea that this may be the case and was waiting on final confirmation from a blood test so it was already on my mind. She got the results shortly after and told me in a super awesome surprise way. We recently found out it will be a girl, which I'll be totally honest in saying scared the crap out of me for a couple days until I had the realization that I'm actually very pumped about her and I look forward to raising our daughter together. My wife feels exactly the same. She is going to be the coolest little prog rock/metal/hip hop head and having an intelligent, strong willed, studious, properly educated mother will help balance my focus on music, art and creativity.

So, I wanted to thank everyone for your honest thoughts and replies. I have a few gigs with two bands booked through the later part of March then after that I'm going to take some time off of regular rehearsals and gigs. I do plan on resuming in some capacity in the later part of 2024 but definitely not weekly rehearsals and monthly gigs. I can still play at home whenever but I also want to be focused and supportive of my growing family. My wife is still 100% on board with all of this and actually is encouraging me to still have weekly band practice and regular gigs but I don't want to be selfish so my intention is to take a six or so month hiatus then go back to the band but with reduced expectations. Fortunately the band is all on board (not implying that is more important than my wife's opinion) as we all are getting older and have a lot going on. Our singer/keyboard player/band leader just got engaged and our guitar player just bought a fixer-upper house, we all will have to reallocate personal time to things other than music but we all agree that if we can get together a couple times a month and play a few low key local gigs a year that we can still have our creative outlet.

My wife and I are both only 34 but we have been in a constant relationship for twenty years, living together for fourteen years, and married for ten years so we are very excited and look forward to this next stage of our lives.
 
I gigged a lot with my three girls you just have to juggle everything which is easier when younger . Had my last at 40 and I could already feel age creeping in but she kept me young in same vein. Investing in your family is a worthy investment that I encourage as much for your benefit as your kids. Being a Dad has unexpectedly been the greatest experience of my life-and that boggles my mind because I thought I would find happiness satiating my own desires. You may not gig as much but you can still do so. It’s a trip for sure but a good one.

I just realized this is an old thread - dang senile ole fool. Have kids enjoy life before you get to senile ole fool stage.
 
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Fantastic @roncadillac, congratulations to you and your wife!!! Made up for you.

Daughters are amazing and you’ll have an amazing Daddy / Daughter relationship I’m sure. It’s a really special thing. Glad to hear your band is being supportive also and you can take some time off.

Enjoy your final months of life as it is and get as much sleep and rest as you both can.
 
Juniper said:
Fantastic @roncadillac, congratulations to you and your wife!!! Made up for you.

Daughters are amazing and you’ll have an amazing Daddy / Daughter relationship I’m sure. It’s a really special thing. Glad to hear your band is being supportive also and you can take some time off.

Enjoy your final months of life as it is and get as much sleep and rest as you both can.
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Al Strange said:
Congratulations @roncadillac ! Nicely smashed! :D (y)
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Thank you very much, I appreciate your kind words!
 
roncadillac said:
^Bonus points for the black dot head
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(standard on 82 Aqua Tama Superstars : )
..that pic is 92 so i never changed them ; then, I sold them ; )
kept two rb pj gretsch sets
 
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It’s funny to me how everyone seems to only be focusing on what they would need to give up in order for things to work. Why is the wife never the one to give anything up? Specially the ones that met you as a regularly gigging drummer, decided to marry you knowing that, now you must give it up? I know not what the OP posted, but this seems to be the norm, the guy always being the one to have to “change “.
 
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doggyd69b said:
It’s funny to me how everyone seems to only be focusing on what they would need to give up in order for things to work. Why is the wife never the one to give anything up? Specially the ones that met you as a regularly gigging drummer, decided to marry you knowing that, now you must give it up? I know not what the OP posted, but this seems to be the norm, the guy always being the one to have to “change “.
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I can't speak on behalf of anyone else's situation but for me my hobby is drums and playing in a band, this is something that requires time away from home especially later at night so it's a reasonable expectation that one prioritize that time to be at home with your family instead of being at a bar pretending to be a rockstar. My wife's hobbies are things like going on walks, yoga, general exercise, books, movies, etc... all things that can easily and reasonably be maintained while having a growing family. I am very fortunate that my wife is still encouraging of my music and the decision to take some time off was purely mine with no outside influence. Also pregnancy and especially the act of birth is a very trying time for a woman both physically and mentally. I am so proud of how strong and focused my wife is and it's an honor that she is willing to go through this with/for me. It is absolutely inconceivable to me to be like "hey, thanks for going through nine months of extreme discomfort followed by a day or two of the most excruciating pain known to mankind. I'm gonna go crack a few cold ones with the boys and jam for a few hours. Have fun taking care of a newborn by yourself!" I have no problem taking a few months off then slowly getting back into it while maintaining focus on my family first.
 
doggyd69b said:
It’s funny to me how everyone seems to only be focusing on what they would need to give up in order for things to work. Why is the wife never the one to give anything up? Specially the ones that met you as a regularly gigging drummer, decided to marry you knowing that, now you must give it up? I know not what the OP posted, but this seems to be the norm, the guy always being the one to have to “change “.
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"The wife never has to give anything up" is one of the statements of all time. C'mon.
 
doggyd69b said:
It’s funny to me how everyone seems to only be focusing on what they would need to give up in order for things to work. Why is the wife never the one to give anything up? Specially the ones that met you as a regularly gigging drummer, decided to marry you knowing that, now you must give it up? I know not what the OP posted, but this seems to be the norm, the guy always being the one to have to “change “.
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The woman gives up an awful lot, she also has to carry the child for 9 months, her body changes, her life changes…etc.

It’s a huge thing for them to have to go through.

Being there as a the child’s father and her partner is the absolute least we can do (and that’s saying something)

If you’ve had kids and you’re with the mother I suggest asking that to your wife and see her reaction 😂 maybe wear a helmet.

(Good luck!)
 
roncadillac said:
If you don't mind sharing, what did you do when you had your first child? Did you take a long break? Did you ever go back to gigging?

I keep saying if I can just teach the kid bass or piano I'll never have to leave the house again lol.
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I think the time off kind of depends where you are from as well, what's 'normal' changes considerably around the world. During this time I was in the middle of doing a drum project with American drum teachers who have kids, and got a glimpse into what life as a musical parent is like. I was very selective about the gigs I took at first and still am more selective than before. My husband plays bass and can practice at home whilst watching our toddler, he practises long hours so things aren't too different for him than before. When I practise on a pad for example I give our son sticks and plays with them too and gets involved. You just find ways to adapt as a family and probably every household is different. Music is also a big part of his development at nursery.. I don't think people should stop it, just find ways to include them in your day to day musical life or whatever else you enjoy as they will probably enjoy it too. A big congratulations on your upcoming addition to your family.
 
Caz said:
I think the time off kind of depends where you are from as well, what's 'normal' changes considerably around the world. During this time I was in the middle of doing a drum project with American drum teachers who have kids, and got a glimpse into what life as a musical parent is like. I was very selective about the gigs I took at first and still am more selective than before. My husband plays bass and can practice at home whilst watching our toddler, he practises long hours so things aren't too different for him than before. When I practise on a pad for example I give our son sticks and plays with them too and gets involved. You just find ways to adapt as a family and probably every household is different. Music is also a big part of his development at nursery.. I don't think people should stop it, just find ways to include them in your day to day musical life or whatever else you enjoy as they will probably enjoy it too. A big congratulations on your upcoming addition to your family.
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Thank you for sharing and for your kind words!
 
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