Playing music while having first child

roncadillac

roncadillac

Platinum Member
I've been playing drums for a little over twenty years, that entire time in live original bands. My wife and I have been together for a total of twenty years and married ten years this October. My wife and I met at a gig and she's always been the most supportive person of my playing music and everything that comes with it. Without going into too much detail, we are in the early stages of "trying" which has caused me to evaluate where I stand with music in relation to life.

My wife has never stated nor even implied in the slightest that she has any expectation that I stop playing music. We've had very deep meaningful conversations about how it will be important to also still make time for the things we personally enjoy and to not change the people we are, while of course not being selfish and always putting family first. This is something we've never had trouble with in our time together so far.

Maybe I'm just getting old (just turned 34 at the time of typing this) or maybe it's just the part of me that already has grown a little tired of the "grind" of constant gigging and rehearsing in an original band but there is a part of me that feels like I should take a break from a band when the time comes that we have our first child. I have a nice ekit at home I could play with headphones, I can sneak in a few minutes of play here and there so I don't have to worry about giving up drums entirely. It just feels weird that after over two decades of original bands being a major part of my life... I'm ok with the idea of taking a step back for a little bit.

Obviously the first few months would be unimaginable to try and go rehearse and gig, I mean more for the first couple years or maybe more.

If you don't mind sharing, what did you do when you had your first child? Did you take a long break? Did you ever go back to gigging?

I keep saying if I can just teach the kid bass or piano I'll never have to leave the house again lol.
 
I played a gig not long after my 1st son was born. Had some other things not happened, I probably would have continued for some time.

I did eventually stop due to an injury, not fatherhood. But after a while, I didn't miss it. Staying at home with the wife and kids on a Saturday evening outweighed any desire to shlep gear to a bar/club, set up, play, tear down, and drive home.

But all my drums are still set up all the time for any time I want to have a go at them. But playing live, eh, I just live vicariously through friends and other forum members lol.

Don't get me wrong, the 1st several years of being a father are unbelievingly difficult. But it's not impossible to keep playing during that time.
 
DrumEatDrum said:
I played a gig not long after my 1st son was born. Had some other things not happened, I probably would have continued for some time.

I did eventually stop due to an injury, not fatherhood. But after a while, I didn't miss it. Staying at home with the wife and kids on a Saturday evening outweighed any desire to shlep gear to a bar/club, set up, play, tear down, and drive home.

But all my drums are still set up all the time for any time I want to have a go at them. But playing live, eh, I just live vicariously through friends and other forum members lol.

Don't get me wrong, the 1st several years of being a father are unbelievingly difficult. But it's not impossible to keep playing during that time.
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I don't have a kid yet and I'm already to a point that spending my Saturday evening sitting on the couch watching a movie with my wife and dog more often is much more appealing than playing a gross bar for a free beer and no pay lol. Thank you for your response!
 
My wife and I made it work. She had the day job, and I had the evenings and weekends job (teaching and gigging). Some weeks we hardly saw each other, based on how full my schedule was, but we made it through.

It’s good that you have no pressure from your wife to quit music. Some guys aren’t that lucky. If YOU feel the internal pressure to hang it up for a while, make sure it’s for the right reasons (you truly want to prioritize family vs. you *think you should* prioritize family).

Yes, it IS a bit hard to keep music going with littles, but if you truly want it, you’ll find a way to make it work. If you feel the need to take a break, you can always come back to it.
 
I went through this recently.

My other half is supportive of my drumming but when we found out she was pregnant I couldn’t justify continuing with what I was doing and I knew that instantly.

She told me to stick with it as I’d miss it, but my mind was absolutely made up.

I played in London, exclusively with original bands. London was a commute from where we were living at the time, which I couldn’t justify, also the cost (travel cost, studio time…etc) came into that decision too.

I ‘retired’ for two years half way through the pregnancy, making sure I was at home as often as possible for the second / third trimesters to be there for my other half, plus this was all unknown territory for us being our first child.

I couldn’t be stuck 2 hours away…etc unless absolutely necessary, other than for work commitments - which I also limited as much as possible. We had no family where we were at the time also.

Our daughter was born, 3/4 weeks later the whole world shut down due to Covid anyway and we eventually moved across the country back to our hometown where we have a good support network now with family and friends.

Then when our daughter was a little older, the world reopened again so the time was right to begin playing, two years after stopping.

My partner fully supported that and even suggested it was time to get back on the ‘horse’ before I even thought about it, as she knew how much I missed playing and that outlet.

It’s important to eventually get back to having passions and have an outlet when the time is right and not just be a worker and parent only. You (both) need something away from that as being a parent is the absolutely best thing in the world - as well as the hardest thing sometimes 🤣

Now I play in a covers band and it’s good, takes up less time and I now earn better money from music that our family benefits from. 4/5 band members are also parents around my age, so at times it’s a bit of a mum and dads club, which is great.

I recently did a gig in London this summer, filling in on drums to help the band I left in 2019, plus visited there again last weekend to see the same band play for one of their birthdays and both times I haven’t missed ‘the scene’ too much.

It was nice to reconnect both times with that former musical stage of life but it’s a lot of faff that I can’t justify anymore, for a multitude of reasons.

I now have a very good balance when it comes to music and I plan to keep it that way, luck willing, despite not being in the original scene anymore.

Everyone’s circumstances are different but it sounds like you already know your gut feeling as to what you feel you should do.

Remember, it’s always something you can drop and pick back up again at a later point and of course, our priorities in life change.

Wishing you and your wife well!!! Fingers crossed for you both!!
 
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Juniper said:
I went through this recently.

My other half is supportive of my drumming but when we found out she was pregnant I couldn’t justify continuing with what I was doing and I knew that instantly.

She told me to stick with it as I’d miss it, but my mind was absolutely made up.

I played in London, exclusively with original bands. London was a commute from where we were living at the time, which I couldn’t justify, also the cost (travel cost, studio time…etc) came into that decision too.

I ‘retired’ for two years half way through the pregnancy, making sure I was at home as often as possible for the second / third trimesters to be there for my other half, plus this was all unknown territory for us being our first child.

I couldn’t be stuck 2 hours away…etc unless absolutely necessary, other than for work commitments - which I also limited as much as possible. We had no family where we were at the time also.

Our daughter was born, 3/4 weeks later the whole world shut down due to Covid anyway and we eventually moved across the country back to our hometown where we have a good support network now with family and friends.

Then when our daughter was a little older, the world reopened again so the time was right to begin playing, two years after stopping.

My partner fully supported that and even suggested it was time to get back on the ‘horse’ before I even thought about it, as she knew how much I missed playing and that outlet.

It’s important to eventually get back to having passions and have an outlet when the time is right and not just be a worker and parent only. You (both) need something away from that as being a parent is the absolutely best thing in the world - as well as the hardest thing sometimes 🤣

Now I play in a covers band and it’s good, takes up less time and I now earn better money from music that our family benefits from. 4/5 band members are also parents around my age, so at times it’s a bit of a mum and dads club, which is great.

I recently did a gig in London this summer, filling in on drums to help the band I left in 2019, plus visited there again last weekend to see the same band play for one of their birthdays and both times I haven’t missed ‘the scene’ too much.

It was nice to reconnect both times with that former musical stage of life but it’s a lot of faff that I can’t justify anymore, for a multitude of reasons.

I now have a very good balance when it comes to music and I plan to keep it that way, luck willing, despite not being in the original scene anymore.

Everyone’s circumstances are different but it sounds like you already know your gut feeling as to what you feel you should do.

Remember, it’s always something you can drop and pick back up again at a later point and of course, our priorities in life change.

Wishing you and your wife well!!! Fingers crossed for you both!!
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Very awesome and helpful response. We too have no family around us to help, support, laugh with, cry with, etc... just her and I. We live over fifteen hours drive/three hour flight from any immediate family. It's funny you mentioned the covers band thing, that is something that has already been on my mind and something I could see myself pursuing when this all comes to fruition. As I mentioned earlier, I'm just growing tired of the original music grind. I feel like to be in a cover band is to rehearse songs yourself, if everyone can play to the recording you should be good, then just show up at the gig to play a couple hours of easy covers and throw a few bills in your pocket. I digress. I of course have the full intention of making that stage of life and growth of our family my primary focus but I also know I'll never truly be happy if I don't get to occasionally bang on my drums on a stage with a handful of other people and her and I both are realistic about that. I feel like, when the time comes, if I take a short break from gigs to acclimate to the family life I could comfortably return to being in a (less active than current) band to get that fix, have some fun, and keep my chops up while still making sure I focus on my family.

Thank you for your response.
 
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roncadillac said:
I've been playing drums for a little over twenty years, that entire time in live original bands. My wife and I have been together for a total of twenty years and married ten years this October. My wife and I met at a gig and she's always been the most supportive person of my playing music and everything that comes with it. Without going into too much detail, we are in the early stages of "trying" which has caused me to evaluate where I stand with music in relation to life.

My wife has never stated nor even implied in the slightest that she has any expectation that I stop playing music. We've had very deep meaningful conversations about how it will be important to also still make time for the things we personally enjoy and to not change the people we are, while of course not being selfish and always putting family first. This is something we've never had trouble with in our time together so far.

Maybe I'm just getting old (just turned 34 at the time of typing this) or maybe it's just the part of me that already has grown a little tired of the "grind" of constant gigging and rehearsing in an original band but there is a part of me that feels like I should take a break from a band when the time comes that we have our first child. I have a nice ekit at home I could play with headphones, I can sneak in a few minutes of play here and there so I don't have to worry about giving up drums entirely. It just feels weird that after over two decades of original bands being a major part of my life... I'm ok with the idea of taking a step back for a little bit.

Obviously the first few months would be unimaginable to try and go rehearse and gig, I mean more for the first couple years or maybe more.

If you don't mind sharing, what did you do when you had your first child? Did you take a long break? Did you ever go back to gigging?

I keep saying if I can just teach the kid bass or piano I'll never have to leave the house again lol.
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I don't think you should entirely give up your current playing situation, I think that instead you could shuffle some things around and find a workable solution. This reminded me of a Youtuber I followed about 12 years ago. He plays guitar, and had some really nice (complex) guitar covers. He inspired (as per the comments on a lot of his videos) a lot of people to play guitar. Then he had a kid... he mentioned that he was going to take some time off to focus on his family and all. HE TOOK OVER 10 YEARS OFF!. He came back some 3-4 years ago (his son is now in high school). He didn't need to completely give up music, especially when he had a very successful channel, and basically had built a community around it. Funny enough, when he came back, most of his viewers were still subscribed!.
The point is, having a kid is going to require to give up some time that you currently utilize for other things, but it will not require you to give up all of your time.

Here is a video of the guy mentioned above explaining DAW automation which is not only for guitar (as I saw a guy using it to change drum patches when he played a medley of tool songs).

 
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doggyd69b said:
I don't think you should entirely give up your current playing situation, I think that instead you could shuffle some things around and find a workable solution. This reminded me of a Youtuber I followed about 12 years ago. He plays guitar, and had some really nice (complex) guitar covers. He inspired (as per the comments on a lot of his videos) a lot of people to play guitar. Then he had a kid... he mentioned that he was going to take some time off to focus on his family and all. HE TOOK OVER 10 YEARS OFF!. He came back some 3-4 years ago (his son is now in high school). He didn't need to completely give up music, especially when he had a very successful channel, and basically had built a community around it. Funny enough, when he came back, most of his viewers were still subscribed!.
The point is, having a kid is going to require to give up some time that you currently utilize for other things, but it will not require you to give up all of your time.
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Thank you!
 
roncadillac said:
Very awesome and helpful response. We too have no family around us to help, support, laugh with, cry with, etc... just her and I. We live over fifteen hours drive/three hour flight from any immediate family. It's funny you mentioned the covers band thing, that is something that has already been on my mind and something I could see myself pursuing when this all comes to fruition. As I mentioned earlier, I'm just growing tired of the original music grind. I feel like to be in a cover band is to rehearse songs yourself, if everyone can at to the recording you should be good, then just show up at the gig to play a couple hours of easy covers and throw a few bills in your pocket. I digress. I of course have the full intention of making that stage of life and growth of our family my primary focus but I also know I'll never truly be happy if I don't get to occasionally bang on my drums on a stage with a handful of other people and her and I both are realistic about that. I feel like, when the time comes, if I take a short break from gigs to acclimate to the family life I could comfortably return to being in a (less active than current) band to get that fix, have some fun, and keep my chops up while still making sure I focus on my family.

Thank you for your response.
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No worries, glad it’s helpful and the bit in bold is exactly what I’ve currently got and I wouldn’t have it any other way now.

Family comes first but you both need a healthy outlet away from it that’s not solely about being a parent or a job.

You can be a great mum & dad, whilst also retaining part of your identity that’s ‘yours’ when the time is right.
 
You can juggle both but my three daughters always trumped my wants. As you have more and they grow so you shuffle them from swim, soccer, guitar, ballet, etc, etc., etc. they take more of your time. I remember years ago in the throes of juggling research, kids, gigging or any other of my wants and feeling lost . I was Sharon’s husband ,my three daughters Dad , and treated poorly as grad and post doc. I had no identity and actually entertained abandoning it all in a moment of insanity. Fortunately I’d met a retired wheelchair bound Seargent who cared for his wife and a mentally handicapped daughter on the online local paper forum. He regaled his story of years past feeling similar and he did for a short time leave his family and all his regrets for doing something so insane. Well I saw handwriting on the wall like King Belshazzar but I came to my senses. It would have been my greatest mistake of my life and haunted me forever- and I’ve got some doozies LoL. But you can juggle it just may look a bit different.
 
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GetAgrippa said:
You can juggle both but my three daughters always trumped my wants. As you have more and they grow so you shuffle them from swim, soccer, guitar, ballet, etc, etc., etc. they take more of you time. I remember years ago in the throes of juggling research, kids, gigging or any other of my wants and feeling lost . I was Sharon’s husband ,my three daughters Dad , and treated poorly as grad and post doc. I had no identity and actually entertained abandoning it all in a moment of insanity. Fortunately I’d met a retired wheelchair bound Sargent who cared for his wife and a mentally handicapped daughter on the online local paper forum. He regaled his story of years past feeling similar and he did for a short time leave his family and all his regrets for doing something so insane. Well I saw handwriting on the wall like King Belshazzar but I came to my senses. It would have been my greatest mistake of my life and haunted me forever- and I’ve got some doozies LoL. But you can juggle it just may look a bit different.
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Thank you for sharing!
 
The center of your universe changes when your child is born, but that doesn't mean the world stops turning. Your first two months will be taxing - no sleep for anybody under your roof. I doubt you'll have the energy to play drums much, if at all. Gigging might not even be a consideration. A family support network is valuable; baby's grandparents: invaluable. They can help you figure out your new "normal." Babies don't come with an instruction manual and the learning curve is steep. Infants have a somewhat limited vocabulary - grandma and grandpa can help decipher what baby wants and what baby needs. You will figure out baby on your own, but family support will help keep your sanity further from the tipping point.

Just as you'll have to learn to live with an infant, that infant is going to have to learn to live in your household. Yes, baby can sleep while the vacuum sweeper is running. Yes, baby can squawk for a minute while you finish up washing the dishes. If drum sounds in your house are normal, baby will adjust. If playing out is important to you, you'll find a way to fit it into your schedule. Remember that "sanity restoration time" is important to you, mom and you-and-mom. Grandparents to the rescue!!

Your body will adjust quickly to your new family member - your head, on the other hand, is in for a surprise. For the rest of your life! Infants grow fast; toddlers are a hoot - little sponges who absorb everything they see, touch, hear or taste; pre-teen kids are busy - they see everything you do and store it away - don't forget they are always watching; teenagers - ugh - maybe you can skip that part; college-age kids know everything, you don't even have to ask; adult children - they start asking you for advice; your kids with your grandkids - grandma and grandpa to the rescue! I thought that when I became a grandparent, the circle would wrap back around to the beginning, but it doesn't - it's a spiral. You see the beginning of the circle as you pass it: the grandparent thing starts but you never stop being a parent.

Men and women have done the "parent" thing for millennia - sometimes by accident and sometimes on purpose. Your concern at this early stage tells me that you'll be good parents - not just "parents" but a great Mom and Dad. Enjoy the journey!
 
roncadillac said:
If you don't mind sharing, what did you do when you had your first child? Did you take a long break? Did you ever go back to gigging?

I keep saying if I can just teach the kid bass or piano I'll never have to leave the house again lol.
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First, congratulations!! Kids are awesome and so much fun. I have 3, and they are nothing but a blessing to my wife and me.

I kept going for about a year after our first kid was born. I'd been going head-first into music for about 15 years prior, and I just burned out. Working more than full time + a newborn + absolutely no money wore me out. I played music around the house a lot, but the music was really tame...lots of acoustic-based music. I still played at church a little, but that was it.

I gigged other instruments off and on for a few years, but I went almost 10 years before I joined another band. I don't really feel like I missed out on anything during that time.

You are getting ready to enter the time of your life when the days are long, but the years are fast.

Enjoy every moment you can with those little ones.
 
GetAgrippa said:
You can juggle both but my three daughters always trumped my wants. As you have more and they grow so you shuffle them from swim, soccer, guitar, ballet, etc, etc., etc. they take more of your time. I remember years ago in the throes of juggling research, kids, gigging or any other of my wants and feeling lost . I was Sharon’s husband ,my three daughters Dad , and treated poorly as grad and post doc. I had no identity and actually entertained abandoning it all in a moment of insanity. Fortunately I’d met a retired wheelchair bound Seargent who cared for his wife and a mentally handicapped daughter on the online local paper forum. He regaled his story of years past feeling similar and he did for a short time leave his family and all his regrets for doing something so insane. Well I saw handwriting on the wall like King Belshazzar but I came to my senses. It would have been my greatest mistake of my life and haunted me forever- and I’ve got some doozies LoL. But you can juggle it just may look a bit different.
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Thank you, that is very reassuring and I appreciate it!
 
PorkPieGuy said:
First, congratulations!! Kids are awesome and so much fun. I have 3, and they are nothing but a blessing to my wife and me.

I kept going for about a year after our first kid was born. I'd been going head-first into music for about 15 years prior, and I just burned out. Working more than full time + a newborn + absolutely no money wore me out. I played music around the house a lot, but the music was really tame...lots of acoustic-based music. I still played at church a little, but that was it.

I gigged other instruments off and on for a few years, but I went almost 10 years before I joined another band. I don't really feel like I missed out on anything during that time.

You are getting ready to enter the time of your life when the days are long, but the years are fast.

Enjoy every moment you can with those little ones.
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Well said and thank you!
 
Backdrop... We've been together for 36 years. My wife is and has always been extremely supportive of all of my musical endeavors. Never once has she remotely suggested a 'yes or no' in anything pertaining to my musical life. That said, she always trusted me to keep things in-check. I truly believe I have. Not only gigging wise but money wise as well.

When we had our child it was me who backed off a bit. I was already working a very heavy fulltime job so my home time was limited to begin with. It was WAY more important to me to be home than on ANY stage playing ANY music. At that point I reduced my teaching schedule to 4 private students and gigs to about 6 per year. My personal practice time was reduced to about 4 hours per week which revolved around family time.

As time moved along, I took on more gigs but very carefully. I had no intentions on being out more than 3x per month.

Many years later, I'd still rather be home with my family than on a stage. However, the musician in me exists and the balance is back to about 10-15 gigs per year, 6-10 hours per week of personal practice and up to 2x per month of band rehearsals (sometimes less).

My family does and will always come first. I knew everything would change once the decision was made to enter into being a parent. I'm beyond OK with it. I got SO much out of my system from the time I was 17 and onwards.

At this point in my life, I am most happy with the balance. Being a father is the greatest gift ever and there's no gear or band that can compete.

Congratulations on your new family.
 
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I took a few months off from gigging after both my sons, I had two bands going at the time of my firstborn, one at the second (2 bands was definately too much to handle with kids). I can totally understand the feeling of playing lousy gigs with an original band, unless it feels really rewarding in other aspects (recording, making music you really enjoy, great band members etc.), adding on top of that a bad consciousness for staying away from home. I myself would probably go insane if I had taken more than a couple of months off though, but it helped that I usually don't have too many gigs (maybe 8-10 a year), on the average week I just go away a few hours one day for practice. On the gigs were we travel a bit further and maybe stay at a hotel saturday/sunday, my wife usually take the kids to her parents and stay there for the weekend, which she seem to be cool with. If that had not been an option though, she might grew a bit tired of it... I don't know. Everyone has different situations though, you just have to feel it out. Maybe wait to do the decision until a bit of time after the kid comes.

On another note, my dad is a drummer as well, had some bands going before he became a father, He took a long time-off from drumming, I guess for at least 12-15 years, until me and my siblings grew up.. He had some health issues as well, but I kind of always felt that I would not do the same unless I was forced to somehow.
 
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