I have taught many adult beginners and even created/taught a course at the University of Richmond’s School of Continuing Studies specifically for adult beginners. So I know that adult beginners can learn at a surprisingly quick rate. I also know that the abundance of information available today can be overwhelming. If you started when you were in middle school, there would be a few dozen books out there (and YouTube didn’t exist). Today, there are thousands and thousands of drum books, and even more YouTube videos.
I noticed some book recommendations in this thread (which are actually great books). However, since you don’t read music yet, it will be difficult to jump into some of those methods. As an analogy, think about a child reading a high school or college level textbook. It could theoretically be done, but so much time would be taken to grab a dictionary to look up every other word. I have noticed the same thing with drums - students jumping forward into material only to be confused due to a lack of foundation.
I agree with
Xstr8edgtnrdrmrX ‘s recommendation of Wessel’s Fresh Approach to Snare Drum. It is a great book, which focuses on the snare drum (and includes a few things for drum set as well). If you learn the rhythms on one surface first, you can more easily apply them to the entire set. Look for easier drum set books that utilize a similar progression of quarter notes, eighth notes, sixteenth notes, etc. Books such as Drumming the Easy Way by Hapke and Drumset 101 by Houghton/Black are nice supplements to Wessel’s snare drum book.
I know that some have mentioned getting an acoustic set. The electronic drum set was such a nice gift from your wife. I’m sure you don’t want to hurt her feelings by returning the set or getting an acoustic set so soon after she gave you this one. Many people have both acoustic and electronic sets. They both serve their own purposes. If you are a night owl (like I am), you may appreciate being able to practice at all hours on an electronic set. You might eventually find a used acoustic snare drum or even an entire set at a good price. This will help you with the touch and finesse that others have mentioned.
If you are feeling overwhelmed with information, find a teacher to guide you. Obviously, there are many of us teaching on Skype who would be happy to help you. But it might be best to find someone from your area. With a local teacher, you may have to start on Skype or Zoom due to the Covid situation. But eventually, things will be back in person where you will be up close with that teacher - who will be able to see and hear you in person.
Hope this helps,
Jeff