My birthfather is dying

25oo (just curious) is that another continent or where to where?..
 
Push pull stroke said:
I don’t have the emotional skills to process this
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Sure you do. You just haven't exercised them yet.

I don't mean to sound crass, but everybody dies and you can't do anything about it. I was on my way home (16 hour drive) to see my sister as she lay dying. I didn't make it home in time. She 'laid on her bed dying' twice prior to the final event and made dramatic (but only month-long) recoveries both times. You just don't know.

My 87 year-old dad lay dying in the hospital. For three days. All five of us kids got to visit him for all three days. He passed in the middle of the night with no visitors. Did he not want spectators at his passing?

My cancer-ridden sister-in-law lay dying for less than 24 hours. She didn't pass until everybody got to visit and was surrounded by family.

You just don't know. Like @jda said, if travel is out of the question, you might try a phone call.

In any case, you can process this. It's gonna be tough walking a bumpy road you've never traveled before. But whatever the outcome, don't beat yourself up. Should'a/could'a/would'a wont fix anything.

I'll keep you and your father in my prayers.
 
Smoke said:
Sure you do. You just haven't exercised them yet.

I don't mean to sound crass, but everybody dies and you can't do anything about it. I was on my way home (16 hour drive) to see my sister as she lay dying. I didn't make it home in time. She 'laid on her bed dying' twice prior to the final event and made dramatic (but only month-long) recoveries both times. You just don't know.

My 87 year-old dad lay dying in the hospital. For three days. All five of us kids got to visit him for all three days. He passed in the middle of the night with no visitors. Did he not want spectators at his passing?

My cancer-ridden sister-in-law lay dying for less than 24 hours. She didn't pass until everybody got to visit and was surrounded by family.

You just don't know. Like @jda said, if travel is out of the question, you might try a phone call.

In any case, you can process this. It's gonna be tough walking a bumpy road you've never traveled before. But whatever the outcome, don't beat yourself up. Should'a/could'a/would'a wont fix anything.

I'll keep you and your father in my prayers.
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I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. His namesake is watching YouTube at my feet right now as his grandfather dies
 
My dad had a heart attack this summer not even dying the old coot, but we went anyway (only 1800 miles, but they don't live anywhere near an airport). Seriously, miserable experience with a toddler. They had dogs, but my toddler was afraid of dogs. They didn't even bother to tie them up, had the dogs sit under the kitchen table while we were eating, meanwhile the toddler was crying the whole time, and the dogs just kept barking. My mother just sat and binge watched DVDs. The few times we got away from the dogs and he started to play they proceeded to call him a brat. I think they were just looking for an excuse to justify their miserable parenting, because I'm taking way better care of my kids.
 
SmoothOperator said:
My dad had a heart attack this summer not even dying the old coot, but we went anyway (only 1800 miles, but they don't live anywhere near an airport). Seriously, miserable experience with a toddler. They had dogs, but my toddler was afraid of dogs. They didn't even bother to tie them up, had the dogs sit under the kitchen table while we were eating, meanwhile the toddler was crying the whole time, and the dogs just kept barking. My mother just sat and binge watched DVDs. The few times we got away from the dogs and he started to play they proceeded to call him a brat. I think they were just looking for an excuse to justify their miserable parenting, because I'm taking way better care of my kids.
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Sounds like your mom is expecting you to process her feelings for her
 
Push pull stroke said:
In an ICU 2500 miles away, and I don’t have the emotional skills to process this
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No one has these skills until it happens.

You will have major regrets for the rest of your life if you don’t go see him and tell him, “I will miss you.”

If he is conscious, he misses you right now.
 
healing vibes coming your way my friend!!!

try to replace the hopelessness with memories...I have been doing that as my dad is slowly slipping into the grips of dementia. That has helped me in this very slow process to passing.
 
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. I have zero words of wisdom, but I wish you strength and peace.
 
As someone who's lost a son and a father-in-law in the last year (and as a chaplain who's walked with a lot of people through grief), I'll say a few things:

1. Your feelings are your feelings. The way through them is to feel them. It is terrible, yes. Find good people to talk to-- get yourself a psychologist and/or a clergy person to talk with.
2. You said your "birth father," so I assume there's some complicated stuff. It's good that you are there for him and that you love each other. But the feelings of loss can feel extremely overwhelming and we often find ourselves revisiting old wounds when we grieve.

I don't know if this will be helpful, but I think of this every time I fall apart over the loss of my dear son.

www.theredhandfiles.com

Nick Cave - The Red Hand Files - Issue #228 - I lost my dad a few years ago, in somewhat traumatic circumstances. I still feel him here with me, but sometimes it's a bit too much and it makes me break down. Even five years after the fact. Do you have

Dear Kevin, Things are sometimes sad, that’s the truth of it - you see a movie and you are unexpectedly mauled by it, or you hear a song...
www.theredhandfiles.com www.theredhandfiles.com

I'll be praying for you and I hope you find the strength you need to weather this.
 
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No one can tell you how to feel about losing a loved one. As long as it isn't self-destructive, there is no wrong way. Feel it as deeply as you need, then let it go. Death is a part of the cycle of life. No one gets out alive.
I wish you strength and courage.
 
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