Must.....resist.... more drums... (Inside: Gretsch Renown RN2 Exclusive)

MrInsanePolack

Platinum Member
Wait, that gives me an idea:
Introducing DW Sacril-Edge® Snare Drums, made of wood reclaimed from the actual cross used crucify Jesus Christ.
I would buy this...
...see you in hell.
Perhaps if it was made from abandoned churches it would be more believable.

Let me help you. NEWS FLASH! DW STARTS PRODUCTION OF EXTREMELY RARE DRUMS MADE FROM:

1. Reclaimed USS Constitution wood
2. Reclaimed NHL players sticks (signed by players)
3. Same as above with MLB bats
4. Reclaimed monstrosities they produced earlier in life that can't be resold
5. 60 year old petrified SPAM
6. Protected giant redwoods and sequoias, just because they can
7. Supercar wheels
8. Reclaimed wooden roller coaster scaffolding
9. Broken hammer handles
10. Stolen wood. Doesn't matter what kind. The finished shell must be completely stolen. The more differing locations, the better. The hoity-toitier the place the more expensive the snare. Not better, just more expensive.

I dont dislike DW. I do think they do some silly things though.
 

gish

Senior Member
Funny that you say that.

Drum Workshop Inc. is proud to announce the all-new Pebble Beach Series™ of professional drums. Made of reclaimed wood from Arnold Palmer's personal collection of Wilson® "Shot Maker" drivers—including one that he famously used to win the 1972 U.S. Open at Pebble Beach—the new Pebble Beach Series™ offers a unique sound that's as explosive as one of Mr. Palmer's legendary 300-yard drives.

According to John Good, DW Drums’ Executive Vice President and Drum Designer, "I wanted to create something truly unique, something that's never been done before, and that represents the great spirit of California. Plus, I kinda like golf. And I've gotta say, we've done literally every other gimmick in the book. I mean, like every. Single. One. So I said, why the f*** not?"

Handcrafted in DW's California Custom Shop, the Pebble Beach Series™ is a groundbreaking line of drums that represents the pinnacle of precision instrument making. Featuring 6-ply shells, custom golf ball-inspired turret lugs, unique TruePitch™ tuning rods designed to mimic golf tees, and a specially-designed bio-wrap that grows real Bermuda grass, every kit will come with a miniature lawn mower so you can keep your drums' finish in perfect putting shape.

And to truly celebrate the spirit of an 18-hole golf course, every Pebble Beach Series™ kit will be sold as a full 18-piece shell bank consisting of 6”, 8”, 10”, 12”, 13” and 14” toms, 14”, 15”, 16” and 18” floor toms, 18”, 20”, 22”, 23” (an exclusive DW Drums size) and 24” bass drums, a 20” gong bass drum, and custom 5.5x13” and 6.5x14” DW Edge® snare drums.

Look for the Pebble Beach Series™ exclusively at 5-Star Golf Shops beginning in the Fall of 2020.
Just bought one of these for $90 from that reputable website that keeps popping up. Should be here in a week; can’t wait!
 
OF COURSE THIS IS A JOKE!!!

The funniest thing is I tried to make this sound as ludicrous as possible, but since I chose to use DW as the crux of my joke, it actually came across as slightly plausible (can anyone honestly say "Timeless Timber Romanian Bog Oak" or "DW Woofer" with a straight face?)

Just the thought of John Good snatching up Arnold Palmer's personal collection of vintage drivers and turning them into drums is crazy enough, but then I upped the ante with all of the insane "details": golf ball-inspired lugs, golf tee tuning rods, and a wrap that grows real Bermuda grass! Even a miniature lawn mower to mow your drums!!!! Trust me, I was laughing my ass off writing this "press release"! :) Then this morning I had the thought to sell them only as an 18-piece shell pack, because why not??? So I added that paragraph this AM.

And it's not like I didn't leave a ton of clues that it's all a joke. I mean, look at that "quote" I wrote for John Good: "...And I've gotta say, we've done literally every other gimmick in the book. I mean, like every. Single. One. So I said, why the f*** not?"

I've been laughing so hard about this. I think it's some of my finest work to date!

Maybe I'll turn this into an annual April Fools Day joke, and see who falls for it!
I think a snare drum made from his Arizona Iced Tea cans would be a great match for this kit.
 

TK-421

Senior Member
@cellophanenick, @gish, @MrInsanePolack, @C.M. Jones, @NouveauCliche, and @wraub, this one's for you.
And @Trip McNealy, my sincere apologies for hijacking your thread. The golf thing was just too funny of a thought not to post!

This one's a bit of a doozy!

DRUM WORKSHOP® INTRODUCES NEW HOLY RELIC SERIES™ DRUMS

Drum Workshop Inc. is proud to announce the all-new Holy Relic Series™ of professional drums. These ultra-unique drums are crafted from special concrete-resin shells that incorporate the powdered remains of the legendary Ten Commandments, which Moses himself carried down from Mount Sinai in 1300 BC and were thought lost to time. But thanks to the persistence and incredible tenacity of DW founder and famed archeologist John Good, remnants of these priceless artifacts will soon be available exclusively at a Guitar Center® near you.

Handcrafted in DW's California Custom Shop, the Holy Relic Series™ was brought to fruition through a grueling 12-step process, resulting in a thin 5mm concrete-resin shell that offers thunderous articulation and booming lows. These innovative shells are then assembled using equally innovative hardware, including special DW FlamingTree™ lugs that catch fire whenever the drum is struck, and DW TrueHalo™ 18k solid gold hoops.

But before these drums could ever be made, Mr. Good himself had to first uncover some of the most famous and elusive relics ever known to man. "I already owned a fedora hat and a bullwhip," notes Mr. Good, "so I knew I had to start with something epic. Then it hit me. I'll uncover mankind's greatest mystery, then turn it into the ultimate set of drums. That's like a win-win, right?"

Through patience, perseverance and a bit of blind luck, John discovered the mysterious Arc of the Covenant buried inside an ancient cavern located behind a Gaza Strip strip mall, and immediately opened it to reveal the holy remnants of the Ten Commandments. "I thought opening the Ark was going to release some Raiders of the Lost Ark shit, like flying angels turning to demons and laser beams shooting out people's eyes and stuff. But nope, it just looked like an ordinary pile of sand," muses Mr. Good. "Doesn't really matter. As long as I slap a DW badge on 'em, they'll sell like hotcakes!"

Rounding out the kit is a 5.5x14" copper snare plated in the smelted chalice of Christ, commonly known as the Holy Grail—literally the "holy grail" of archeological finds. "I believe the Tenth Commandment was 'Thou shall not cheap out on the snare'," explained Mr. Good. "So I extended my expedition to find this elusive cup, which I thought would make quite the heavenly snare for this kit."

Look for the Holy Relic Series™ exclusively at Guitar Centers and 5-Star Drum Shops in the greater Vatican area.
 

gish

Senior Member
@cellophanenick, @gish, @MrInsanePolack, @C.M. Jones, @NouveauCliche, and @wraub, this one's for you.
And @Trip McNealy, my sincere apologies for hijacking your thread. The golf thing was just too funny of a thought not to post!

This one's a bit of a doozy!

DRUM WORKSHOP® INTRODUCES NEW HOLY RELIC SERIES™ DRUMS

Drum Workshop Inc. is proud to announce the all-new Holy Relic Series™ of professional drums. These ultra-unique drums are crafted from special concrete-resin shells that incorporate the powdered remains of the legendary Ten Commandments, which Moses himself carried down from Mount Sinai in 1300 BC and were thought lost to time. But thanks to the persistence and incredible tenacity of DW founder and famed archeologist John Good, remnants of these priceless artifacts will soon be available exclusively at a Guitar Center® near you.

Handcrafted in DW's California Custom Shop, the Holy Relic Series™ was brought to fruition through a grueling 12-step process, resulting in a thin 5mm concrete-resin shell that offers thunderous articulation and booming lows. These innovative shells are then assembled using equally innovative hardware, including special DW FlamingTree™ lugs that catch fire whenever the drum is struck, and DW TrueHalo™ 18k solid gold hoops.

But before these drums could ever be made, Mr. Good himself had to first uncover some of the most famous and elusive relics ever known to man. "I already owned a fedora hat and a bullwhip," notes Mr. Good, "so I knew I had to start with something epic. Then it hit me. I'll uncover mankind's greatest mystery, then turn it into the ultimate set of drums. That's like a win-win, right?"

Through patience, perseverance and a bit of blind luck, John discovered the mysterious Arc of the Covenant buried inside an ancient cavern located behind a Gaza Strip strip mall, and immediately opened it to reveal the holy remnants of the Ten Commandments. "I thought opening the Ark was going to release some Raiders of the Lost Ark shit, like flying angels turning to demons and laser beams shooting out people's eyes and stuff. But nope, it just looked like an ordinary pile of sand," muses Mr. Good. "Doesn't really matter. As long as I slap a DW badge on 'em, they'll sell like hotcakes!"

Rounding out the kit is a 5.5x14" copper snare plated in the smelted chalice of Christ, commonly known as the Holy Grail—literally the "holy grail" of archeological finds. "I believe the Tenth Commandment was 'Thou shall not cheap out on the snare'," explained Mr. Good. "So I extended my expedition to find this elusive cup, which I thought would make quite the heavenly snare for this kit."

Look for the Holy Relic Series™ exclusively at Guitar Centers and 5-Star Drum Shops in the greater Vatican area.
Lmao. I’ve already listed my 3 younger children for sale on the black market, as well as one of my kidneys. Should be enough for a down payment!
 

NouveauCliche

Senior Member
@cellophanenick, @gish, @MrInsanePolack, @C.M. Jones, @NouveauCliche, and @wraub, this one's for you.
And @Trip McNealy, my sincere apologies for hijacking your thread. The golf thing was just too funny of a thought not to post!

This one's a bit of a doozy!

DRUM WORKSHOP® INTRODUCES NEW HOLY RELIC SERIES™ DRUMS

Drum Workshop Inc. is proud to announce the all-new Holy Relic Series™ of professional drums. These ultra-unique drums are crafted from special concrete-resin shells that incorporate the powdered remains of the legendary Ten Commandments, which Moses himself carried down from Mount Sinai in 1300 BC and were thought lost to time. But thanks to the persistence and incredible tenacity of DW founder and famed archeologist John Good, remnants of these priceless artifacts will soon be available exclusively at a Guitar Center® near you.

Handcrafted in DW's California Custom Shop, the Holy Relic Series™ was brought to fruition through a grueling 12-step process, resulting in a thin 5mm concrete-resin shell that offers thunderous articulation and booming lows. These innovative shells are then assembled using equally innovative hardware, including special DW FlamingTree™ lugs that catch fire whenever the drum is struck, and DW TrueHalo™ 18k solid gold hoops.

But before these drums could ever be made, Mr. Good himself had to first uncover some of the most famous and elusive relics ever known to man. "I already owned a fedora hat and a bullwhip," notes Mr. Good, "so I knew I had to start with something epic. Then it hit me. I'll uncover mankind's greatest mystery, then turn it into the ultimate set of drums. That's like a win-win, right?"

Through patience, perseverance and a bit of blind luck, John discovered the mysterious Arc of the Covenant buried inside an ancient cavern located behind a Gaza Strip strip mall, and immediately opened it to reveal the holy remnants of the Ten Commandments. "I thought opening the Ark was going to release some Raiders of the Lost Ark shit, like flying angels turning to demons and laser beams shooting out people's eyes and stuff. But nope, it just looked like an ordinary pile of sand," muses Mr. Good. "Doesn't really matter. As long as I slap a DW badge on 'em, they'll sell like hotcakes!"

Rounding out the kit is a 5.5x14" copper snare plated in the smelted chalice of Christ, commonly known as the Holy Grail—literally the "holy grail" of archeological finds. "I believe the Tenth Commandment was 'Thou shall not cheap out on the snare'," explained Mr. Good. "So I extended my expedition to find this elusive cup, which I thought would make quite the heavenly snare for this kit."

Look for the Holy Relic Series™ exclusively at Guitar Centers and 5-Star Drum Shops in the greater Vatican area.

There's three things that sell it for me:

1. It's really long so I tend to like half read it
2. Italics
3.

Like mentally that checks all my boxes and I'm good. haha

Also - this is hilarious - DW TrueHalo™ 18k solid gold hoops - straight up literally laughed out loud.


Kudos.
 
Top