man… what the hell

Funk

Member
no one in my family sees this as a problem… but my fiancee used to like my playing, enjoyed my stories about playing shows, and talking about music… i didn't subject her to any of these on a regular basis, so its not like that's all i do or talk about… quite to the contrary. now she gets disgusted if she walks into the living room and i've got a drumming dvd on, or i'm on the pad with an instructional booklet, or packing up the car to go play in the park (my furnishings take up the space in my apt, so i gotta play out… for now). it's really pissing me off. i've tried getting to the bottom of it and keeping my cool... she won't budge. i've told her i can help her get out of the rut she's in (she has depression, but she's fine on her meds, which she takes- more on that tho). her friends tried to lecture me… saying i need to do whatever it takes to make her happy, and if my drumming is making her unhappy, then i should know what to do. i told them i've been a musician since age six, and that that kind of advice was extremely unhealthy and not welcomed, so i asked them to leave before i got even more pissed. i told my fiancee that this is something i will not compromise on, and that she's just in a bad way emotionally, and that i think she's just taking it out on me (her work has been very stressful, i've put more effort into being extra helpful and giving her recognition, something she's not getting at work, even though she works hard)… anyway i think she's developed a tolerance to her meds, because this is so unlike her… and that's what i told my fiancee and her friends… i told her friends today that they were shitty people for enabling this hostility in our relationship, instead of trying to solve this problem for someone i thought they cared deeply about, they just jumped on her bandwagon and started coming down on me too! i am the only one looking at this from a medical/emotional health standpoint, and yet they are still coming down on me for not giving up the drums. we are making ends meet, we're just broke afterward… so i talked to my mom about paying the co pay for a psychiatrist visit, to see if she can get her meds straight… thankfully my fiancee is open to it, because she knows her behavior has shifted, her friends though keep fanning the flames… i can't wait to shut them the F up… those squaking little manipulators are gonna be put into check real quick! anyway… what advice do you guys have?
 

GruntersDad

Administrator - Mayor
Staff member
Not an MD here but sounds as if she needs to see one. Change of meds, whatever but you quitting is not going to make her happy. Something else will just takes it place.
 

konaboy

Pioneer Member
Not an MD here but sounds as if she needs to see one. Change of meds, whatever but you quitting is not going to make her happy. Something else will just takes it place.
X2

Like gruntersdad said quitting will not solve the problem and will only make you unhappy. she needs to see a Dr or professional about it.
 

Midnite Zephyr

Platinum Member
I think meds are BS. If she loves you, why would she want you to quit your drumming? Maybe she is jealous of the joy that you get from the drums. Misery loves company.
 

konaboy

Pioneer Member
I think meds are BS. If she loves you, why would she want you to quit your drumming? Maybe she is jealous of the joy that you get from the drums. Misery loves company.

I use to feel that way until my anxiety got so far out of control that life was a challenge. I talked to my Dr at length about it and reluctantly tried a medication for it. It's made a big difference in my quality of life. There are plenty of cases where meds are over prescribed, but there are also many times when it's truly what a person needs and it improves their quality of life.. Depression can make a person feel and say things that may not be totally true.
 

mmulcahy1

Platinum Member
Basically, she challenging you. She wants you to prove that you love her more than you love your drums. Now of course, I'm sure you love her more than life itself - if not, you wouldn't be engaged, right? She just needs reassurance that she's being loved by you and you're not going to make her a "drum widow" as soon as the wedding ring goes on.

Send her some flowers and show her some undivided attention. Also, take a brief hiatus from the kit and all drumming related things for a while. Your drums aren't going anywhere and this will allow you to reconnect with your bride to be.
 

Midnite Zephyr

Platinum Member
I use to feel that way until my anxiety got so far out of control that life was a challenge. I talked to my Dr at length about it and reluctantly tried a medication for it. It's made a big difference in my quality of life. There are plenty of cases where meds are over prescribed, but there are also many times when it's truly what a person needs and it improves their quality of life.. Depression can make a person feel and say things that may not be totally true.
I hear you. It works for some people, and I'm not saying that this guy's fiance doesn't need them. It's just that, by law (US), Dr's have to prescibe a medicine. Sometimes all a person has is a Vitamin D deficiency, or Magnesium. My sister was contemplating meds. I told her to get more sunlight, walk more and try some SAMe or St John Wort first.
 

Anon La Ply

Renegade
Gawd, hard to imagine being qualified to advise anything. Mental illness is the pits.

Part of me says you guys need marriage counselling to see whether you can make the marriage workable - ie. she is not having a neurotic reaction to your drums.

On the other hand I wonder if maybe this is a hump that you and she need to get over until she can find a mental state (via meds or whatever) that doesn't have an unreasonable hostility towards your drumming?

My guess is that she feels threatened that drumming is taking you away from her and, of course, the worse she is about it the more she drives you away ... and then you take solace in the drums, and then she reacts to it again ... it can easily become a vicious circle. That's the trouble with depression ... you drive people away at a time when you could do with some help getting out of yourself.

No answers here. If life was music I'd say you are dealing with a a free improv jam - you need to be relaxed, yet alert and sensitive, keeping your ears open constantly, adjusting with the changes and prepared to think outside the square. No money beats on autopilot in this tune, I'm afraid ...
 

Andy

Administrator
Staff member
Maybe she would be interested in taking up percussion, or another instrument so you could play together? Only a surface suggestion, as I have no idea of the personal dynamics at play here.

Good luck with your challenges.
 

harryconway

Platinum Member
Some people grow together. Some people grow apart. It kinda sounds like the later is happening here. You, and only you, are responsible for your own happiness. Same goes for your fiancee. My guess is you've know one another, for 5 years, or less. You don't seem to get along with her friends. That can/is/will be a big problem. The basic foundation to any relationship .... is you love and accept a person for who they are. Trying to change someone into who you want them to be, or in this case, she wants to change you, that hardly ever works.​
 

Duck Tape

Platinum Member
Basically, she challenging you.
I would expect that of a young girl in her late teens/early 20's but I think she's jealous that he has something that's fulfilling that she doesn't really understand and she's decided to put herself first and criticize him.

I think a good approach would be to act the same way when she is doing her thing, but make a joke of it, be overly narcissistic and make it obvious that you're imitating her and show her what it feels like.

I have some mental illness in my family and I use it to diffuse certain attitudes. If it doesn't work then at least it's your own subtle vengeance at play.
 

Funk

Member
Some people grow together. Some people grow apart. It kinda sounds like the later is happening here. You, and only you, are responsible for your own happiness. Same goes for your fiancee. My guess is you've know one another, for 5 years, or less. You don't seem to get along with her friends. That can/is/will be a big problem. The basic foundation to any relationship .... is you love and accept a person for who they are. Trying to change someone into who you want them to be, or in this case, she wants to change you, that hardly ever works.​
true true. we've been through some rough water before and she held it together more so than i did on some occasions. it only made us closer. i got along with her friends up to this point, and my fiancee loved me for who i am, and i her. i don't want her to change except by herself and for the better, too. she's helped me through a severe bout of depression before, and i believe its my turn. i've been trying not to lose it and tell her friends to screw off and choke on one, the temptation is there! i think she's working on making up, because last night she asked me about the book i'm reading by stewart copeland ("strange things happen", an autobiography)… but yeah, i think she kinda gave in emotionally and decided to target something else… which happened to be my passion… our appointment is on monday, but in the meantime, i'm holding no grudges
 

larryace

"Uncle Larry"
Sounds to my like your fiancee isn't getting what she needs and is using the drums to make her point.

Most issues are a disguise for a deeper issue. Dig deeper, it's not the drums that are causing this. JMO.

My guess is that she doesn't feel connected to you lately.
 

johnnylaw

Senior Member
Reminds me of my EX WIFE.

If you're not ready to bolt, proceed with extreme caution and deliberation.

My wishes are for your happiness as a complete human being.
 
A

Anthony Amodeo

Guest
Sounds to my like your fiancee isn't getting what she needs and is using the drums to make her point.

Most issues are a disguise for a deeper issue. Dig deeper, it's not the drums that are causing this. JMO.

My guess is that she doesn't feel connected to you lately.
Larry hit the nail on the head

your drumming is not the issue
 

NUTHA JASON

Senior Administrator
i agree with larry.

my wife met me at a gig, for three years she came to two gigs a week. she learned to pack my drums and she drove me home. my drums were at my wedding. now, 6 years into my relationship with her she still backs me. she still makes time for me to practice (taking the kids on a walk etc).

i guess i'm lucky she is who she is. but i also worked towards this. i supported her photography hobby. i got her back on the piano and into dancing. i helped her sort out her long standing fued with her mom. i got her back into studying.

it a two way thing and your role is not always obvioius.

from what i've read your first step as a couple is to find new friends.
j
 
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