How can I get my girlfriend to see how badly she needs to quit smoking?

NerfLad

Silver Member
Yesterday my girlfriend and I were out and about, and without even looking I recognized her just by hearing her cough... because it sounded like she was going to hack up a lung. She's been a smoker for about 3 years now.

I don't really mind the smell or taste of cigarette smoke, and if it had no affect on her health I wouldn't have a problem. Her and I have both lost family members to lung cancer and she still seems not to care how bad it is for her. She's polite about it; she doesn't smoke around me very much, and never around my family (which also makes me think she feels guilty about it).

What it boils down to is that I care a lot about her and I hate to see her slowly destroy her health, and I don't know how to convey how badly I wish she would stop without seeming pushy or overbearing; I have mentioned that it bothers me, but I try to be respectful. She has more willpower than anyone I've ever met, and I am positive that if she wanted to quit, she could. The trouble is she doesn't seem to want to :(

Any advice?

Thanks,
Eric
 
Last edited:

JasperGTR

Senior Member
I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. The problem is - she is an addict. And as such will face the same issues every other addict suffers from.

Either she likes it, and won't stop, thinking you're an idiot or mean because you don't accept her for who she is.

Or she started for some other reason that may no longer apply.

Bottom line, she belongs to RJ Reynolds now (or whatever name they go by). Invest. At least you'll get a dividend every quarter, regardless if she ends up with a stoma or lung cancer.
 

DrumEatDrum

Platinum Member
Start dating someone else....

I don't know. I've never dated a smoker because I can't stand smoking.

But of my friends who've quit, it comes down to, they have to want to quit. No amount of badgering or advice will force them to quit, they have to decide for themselves it's what they really want to do.
 

BacteriumFendYoke

Platinum Member
I'm a smoker. I don't want to quit because I actually enjoy it.

Therein lies the rub. Your girlfriend won't quit because you ask her to, she'll quite because she wants to. Odd as it may seem, my Mother used to be a smoking cessation counsellor. She wouldn't encourage people to stop smoking until she was sure they were mentally prepared to. If they try without being ready and fail it's not good for the self-esteem.

It's as simple as that. Sooner or later, she'll probably want to stop because she doesn't enjoy it any more. That's when you have to try and support her and help her. Otherwise it won't be successful.
 

Fuo

Platinum Member
But of my friends who've quit, it comes down to, they have to want to quit. No amount of badgering or advice will force them to quit, they have to decide for themselves it's what they really want to do.
+1

I quit 1.5 years ago after ~20 years of smoking. It didn't happen until I wanted it to (there were 2 previous attempts that lasted a few months each). I got to an age (~36) where I figured I had to either quit now, or keep going and eventually die from it (and it doesn't look like a pleasant way to go). You can try all the usual arguments: money, health, smell, inconvenience, etc. But if she wants to smoke, she is going to...

The plus side is, 3 years isn't that long, smoking is way less cool/common now than it was even 10 years ago, its way more expensive, and its a lot harder to do logistically (having to go outside all the time is a pain in the ass). Hopefully those things will make it a lot easier for her once she decides she wants to.
 

MaryO

Platinum Member
Show her this post...at least then she'll see how much it really means to you for her to stop. However, chances are, that unless she's ready to quit, she won't. No matter what you say or do. Actually you're the one who has to make a decision...Can you live with it or not?

Good luck :)
 

GruntersDad

Administrator - Mayor
Staff member
I would tell her that the longer she puts it off the harder it will be and the more damage she will do to herself. Someone has to want to quit for themselves before it is going to be done.
I stopped about 14 years ago and haven't looked back. The money saved, over a years time will buy you a vacation. But if she doesnt want to quit it wont happen
 

aydee

Platinum Member
...


Good news - I'm an ex smoker ( pack n half a day ) with the weakest will known to mankind who quit 10 years ago. If I can do it, anyone can. ( I'd smoke stubs off the pavement. )

Bad news- You or anybody else cant do diddlysqat. She has to want it from the inside. Badly.

....
 

larryz

Platinum Member
I also agree that you should look elsewhere for love. Tobacco addiction is an ugly thing. Make an ultimatum - quit or I leave. No use wasting your life possibly taking care of someone who is ill because of smoking. If she doesn't care enough for her health dump her. Now I know it's a free world. And if you're single or your partner also smokes, go for it. WHo cares? Secondhand smoke can also cause lung cancer. Your own health and happiness is #1. Drumming #2. Love #3. Good luck.
 

Andy

Administrator
Staff member
After only smoking for 3 years, she still has time on her side. I've been smoking for 40 years, & I'm screwed up on it.

I guarantee I'm weaker willed than Abe :(
 

Mad About Drums

Pollyanna's Agent
I've been smoking for 40 years, & I'm screwed up on it.
Same here :( ... and despite several requests from my daughter, I still haven't given up yet, been smoking rolled up cigarettes for the the last 20 odd years, will I ever give up?

The willpower has to come from those who smoke, no comments, advices, warnings, etc, will make someone stops, even if it's meant well, with great concern by the one we love.

I did an attempt at quitting a few years ago, it lasted a mere six months before I started again, sad really...
 

NerfLad

Silver Member
I also agree that you should look elsewhere for love. Tobacco addiction is an ugly thing. Make an ultimatum - quit or I leave. No use wasting your life possibly taking care of someone who is ill because of smoking.
Yeah, getting adversarial is a GREAT idea. I want to help and support her, not teach her some lesson "the hard way". Thanks for playing.
Show her this post...at least then she'll see how much it really means to you for her to stop. However, chances are, that unless she's ready to quit, she won't. No matter what you say or do. Actually you're the one who has to make a decision...Can you live with it or not?

Good luck :)
Thanks! I guess I will show it to her tonight and see what she says.
Invest. At least you'll get a dividend every quarter, regardless if she ends up with a stoma or lung cancer.
I laughed out loud at this and mentioned it to her that I heard someone say it (didn't say where) and she also thought it was hysterical. :)
 

NUTHA JASON

Senior Administrator
i got my mom to quit in the 80s.

how did i do it (me a ten year old)?

i pushed a toothpick into the centre of each of her fags. these were those very thin toothpicks. i did each one really carefully so they didn't show. the smoke was so harsh i remember battling not to laugh as i watched mum suffer through each drag. she didn't even get through half the pack before chucking 'em and never starting up again.

my sister got my dad to quit too. he lived in another city. she did it by stealing a few fags here and there and throwing them under my dad's bar. she beleived my dad would think that cigarettes were too expensive after a while - but he is a company director so no dice. a year later my dad decided to demolish the bar and found about 100 mould cover ciggs under it. she confessed and cried and my dad was so ashamed he quit.

j
 

larryz

Platinum Member
Yeah, getting adversarial is a GREAT idea. I want to help and support her, not teach her some lesson "the hard way". Thanks for playing.
You're a young lad. There are many other fish in the vast oceans. Why start having to deal with someone's habit already, so early in life? Eh... Keep drumming :)
 

BYUDOG

Member
Give her a case of pneumonia..... just kidding but it did work for me. I have tried to quit many times before. January of this year i had the flu. By February it turned into pneumonia. THen they found a spot on my lung. After many test they decided to take it out to see what is was. July 20 they took my upper right lobe of my lung out and 30 lymph nodes. It turned out to be a carcinoid tumor. Its a very rare form of cancer. But it is not as aggressive as other forms of lung cancer. And was not caused from smoking. Im still recovering from the surgery. I am 38 and smoked since i was 16. But i have not had a smoke since Feb 5 this year. And have not wanted one. I wish you and her the best. THis is just my story. Some people smoke for 70 years and never have problems. I had a real scare and it has sobered me up in many ways.
 

BYUDOG

Member
I forgot to say........ I credit the flu and pneumonia for helping my quit. I was so sick i couldnt smoke.
 

Fuo

Platinum Member
I forgot to say........ I credit the flu and pneumonia for helping my quit. I was so sick i couldnt smoke.
This was how I quit too, not as severe as his story, I just had a simple cold, but it was enough to make me not want to smoke for a few days, then I just never started again (the two previous attempts were done this way too). Another thing to prep yourself for quitting is to make it harder on yourself by not allowing yourself to smoke IN your home, or car. This makes your environment cleaner, and makes smoking a chore.
 

OrangeAgent27

Silver Member
To her, or anyone else looking to quit, find The Easy Way to Stop Smoking" by Allen Carr. You can find it on amazon. The reviews speak for themselves. I went from 1.5 packs a day to none. Painlessly and with nothing less than sheer joy to be free from that trap.

I have an old friend who says "cancer scares, fear and facts do nothing for the smoker. The smoker knows 1000x more about the addiction and harm than anyone."

The book does none of this. It demystifies, it removes the romance and tells you the truth. It's a lie smokers have bought into long ago. The idea that you need it or enjoy it. I encourage anyone who's even thought of quitting to buy the book.

He has a short film on YouTube where goes over his method. Just google his name.

The only thing that was negative to me while quitting, was the shame of letting it go on for so long.
 

wsabol

Gold Member
Yeah, getting adversarial is a GREAT idea. I want to help and support her, not teach her some lesson "the hard way". Thanks for playing.
More often than not the hard is the only way when it comes to addiction. I friend was a pretty hard alcoholic for a long while. Then one day we found him on the bathroom floor in a pool of blood and vomit, dehydrated, and passed out. We rushed him to the hospital, he woke up and he made to commitment then to stop drinking.

No one ever wants it to go that far, especially with our loved ones, but as many others have said, the will to change has to originate with the addict. A brush with death, or a great personal loss is a powerful motivator. Sometimes the right thing to do is to simply not tolerate destructive behavior and leave rather than try to fix it, because if you try to do too much, you'll push it too far, and she'll leave you.

"Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy." - Prof Dumbledore.
 
Top