Having trouble asking a girl out in college

drummindan8484

Senior Member
Nah man, just try again, until she goes on a date with you she isn't really going to know. Story - I tried it on one night and got turned down pretty hard. Tried again the following day and found success. It's been 3 years and I'm still with her. Just don't turn into a stalker! If you have made a few attempts and it really isn't happening, then sure, let it go, but once isn't really enough.

And at the same time, go after other girls, just because you like one, doesn't mean you can't have fun with others. I wish someone had given me this advice when I was younger.
Trust me man, with this one, one time is enough. This girl is one of those that seems like she'd be a blast to hang out with, just like one of the guys, but there are plenty of others that I'd be better for in terms of dating.
 

eddiehimself

Platinum Member
Trust me man, with this one, one time is enough. This girl is one of those that seems like she'd be a blast to hang out with, just like one of the guys, but there are plenty of others that I'd be better for in terms of dating.
It's always good to have friends who are girls because it means you will be more comfortable around them in the future.
 

drummindan8484

Senior Member
Update:

She just sent me a Facebook message this morning giving me a definite no and said exactly what I said above, really it comes down to religious differences. I decided instead that I'd call my teacher and ask for her cell # so I can call her and discuss it instead of just over Facebook.
 

Spectron

Silver Member
she can't be that religious if she's playing in a Zep Cover band...

My advice is to forget about dating her altogether..
Definately DON'T contact her via phone by getting her number from someone else.
that's a VERY bad idea.

If she flat turned you down on just going out for a bite to eat or coffee, that's a very bad sign regardless of her lame excuse. she probably has the hots for someone else.

infact do the opposite of what your think you should do:
pay her no mind, ignore her - she doesn't exist anymore.

Best case scenario (if you really got the hots for her) she'll approach you
as to why you don't talk to her anymore - that's when you can say:
"Look, you turned me down for a cup of coffee and that's a big red flag for me
all I wanted was to get to know you better but it seems like that was a waste of time"

In my experience, it has never worked out pursuing a girl.
The harder you try the more they reject you - in fact all the girls I've dated
pursued me!

And I find it's best that way - when the girl picks you...

I never had any luck with girls until I stopped caring. I just did my thing, (be myself)
and when I stopped worrying about whether girls noticed me or not, all of a sudden
there were plenty that wanted my number.

over the years I've learned to wait for that specific look - you can see it in their eyes,
in the way they talk to you and body language when they're even slightly interested
then...and only then do you pour on the charm...compliment them..tell them some funny jokes...it's really pretty easy when they start to show even a little interest..

but when they don't show any interest...or worse yet turn you down for a simple
bite to eat or coffee....forget 'em and move on. It's not worth it man, save yourself the
rejection.

The best thing you can do at this point - is totally forget about her and don't look bummed about it - do the opposite, crack jokes, have a good time, be yourself..
who knows this may even spark her interest into what makes you tick.

She had her shot now it's her turn and if she never comes around...your probably better off - I know - I have seen many of the girls that I thought were hot in college
that had that same attitude - shutting you down and not giving you a chance - 99%
of them turned out later in life as non-attractive, divorced, toothless wonders hooked on meth...

there are plenty of fish in the sea...let one pick you...seriously it is SO much better
than getting your ego kicked in by some stuck up, confused little girl.

You don't want her anyway.
 

drummindan8484

Senior Member
she can't be that religious if she's playing in a Zep Cover band...

My advice is to forget about dating her altogether..
Definately DON'T contact her via phone by getting her number from someone else.
that's a VERY bad idea.

If she flat turned you down on just going out for a bite to eat or coffee, that's a very bad sign regardless of her lame excuse. she probably has the hots for someone else.

infact do the opposite of what your think you should do:
pay her no mind, ignore her - she doesn't exist anymore.

Best case scenario (if you really got the hots for her) she'll approach you
as to why you don't talk to her anymore - that's when you can say:
"Look, you turned me down for a cup of coffee and that's a big red flag for me
all I wanted was to get to know you better but it seems like that was a waste of time"

In my experience, it has never worked out pursuing a girl.
The harder you try the more they reject you - in fact all the girls I've dated
pursued me!

And I find it's best that way - when the girl picks you...

I never had any luck with girls until I stopped caring. I just did my thing, (be myself)
and when I stopped worrying about whether girls noticed me or not, all of a sudden
there were plenty that wanted my number.

over the years I've learned to wait for that specific look - you can see it in their eyes,
in the way they talk to you and body language when they're even slightly interested
then...and only then do you pour on the charm...compliment them..tell them some funny jokes...it's really pretty easy when they start to show even a little interest..

but when they don't show any interest...or worse yet turn you down for a simple
bite to eat or coffee....forget 'em and move on. It's not worth it man, save yourself the
rejection.

The best thing you can do at this point - is totally forget about her and don't look bummed about it - do the opposite, crack jokes, have a good time, be yourself..
who knows this may even spark her interest into what makes you tick.

She had her shot now it's her turn and if she never comes around...your probably better off - I know - I have seen many of the girls that I thought were hot in college
that had that same attitude - shutting you down and not giving you a chance - 99%
of them turned out later in life as non-attractive, divorced, toothless wonders hooked on meth...

there are plenty of fish in the sea...let one pick you...seriously it is SO much better
than getting your ego kicked in by some stuck up, confused little girl.

You don't want her anyway.
This is great advice in most cases. However, I should have clarified, my reasons for calling her are different than what you would think.

I just wanted to tell her I feel the same way. When I said religious differences what I meant was that I'm the religious one here, she's an atheist. I just wanted to tell her I feel the same way about dating an atheist that she does dating a Christian. What I'm gonna tell her is basically that I feel exactly the same way that she does about me, but I still like her as a person and want to be friends. Nothing sexual or anything.

I think this is the problem with the internet. True feelings don't really get shared, and I think my intentions and what I'm doing is exactly right, my dad even told me so, but that no matter how I word it or explain it every one will think of it in a different way. So basically what I'm saying is, many of the suggestions you guys have given after she rejected me don't really apply in this specific case with this specific person.
 

Thaard

Platinum Member
What has religion to do with anything? How is it impossible for an atheist and christian(or other religious) to date eachother? I have an atheist friend who's been together with his baptist girlfriend for 4 years now and you cant even tell the difference. The whole religion thing seems like a lame excuse to me..
 

eddiehimself

Platinum Member
This is great advice in most cases. However, I should have clarified, my reasons for calling her are different than what you would think.

I just wanted to tell her I feel the same way. When I said religious differences what I meant was that I'm the religious one here, she's an atheist. I just wanted to tell her I feel the same way about dating an atheist that she does dating a Christian. What I'm gonna tell her is basically that I feel exactly the same way that she does about me, but I still like her as a person and want to be friends. Nothing sexual or anything.

I think this is the problem with the internet. True feelings don't really get shared, and I think my intentions and what I'm doing is exactly right, my dad even told me so, but that no matter how I word it or explain it every one will think of it in a different way. So basically what I'm saying is, many of the suggestions you guys have given after she rejected me don't really apply in this specific case with this specific person.
With respect, why the hell did you even start this thread? I mean it sounds like you were never going to go out with her anyway. Might as well just forget about her and see if you can find anyone decent in your local church group...
 
M

mediocrefunkybeat

Guest
What has religion to do with anything? How is it impossible for an atheist and christian(or other religious) to date eachother? I have an atheist friend who's been together with his baptist girlfriend for 4 years now and you cant even tell the difference. The whole religion thing seems like a lame excuse to me..
Agreed. Dreadful excuse. So what? I'm an atheist. It wouldn't stop me dating a Christian if the situation ever arose; unless they're so pious they see everyone else as inferior.
 

Midnite Zephyr

Platinum Member
I was married to an atheist for 6 years. She was an angel, and we didn't break up because of religion, of course I'm not all that religious either. Actually she was more agnostic when I married her. Personally, I believe IQ is a better determining factor for compatibility than religion. Her IQ was somewhere between 150 and 160. I mean this girl was as sharp as a tack. We got along famously, but still, sh*t happens.
 

Spectron

Silver Member
Well, I definately got the wrong impression then - I thought you were just asking her out for coffee or lunch or something - you know, time alone to get to know someone better.

I forgot this whole "asking someone out" thing has more "dating" implications to some people.

Still, I am sorry this didn't turn out the way you'd hoped but look on the bright side,
you gathered the nerve to ask her out and that is one nice step towards having more confidence with girls so i'd mark that as a "win"

Now, go out there and find a girl that has enough decency to let you buy her lunch.
The ones that turn you down before they even know you aren't worth the time.
 

drummindan8484

Senior Member
OK it appears there's a lot of miscommunication going on here between me and the rest of you so let's go back a ways.

I asked her out 2 classes ago. She asked if she could get back to me. I then talked to my teacher about it since he knows her real well and said knowing her, that means no. She just has one specific type of guy that she's looking for, and it's not me. He said in her mind, the religion thing may have been the only thing stopping us, and it sounds like he was right.

Fast forward to yesterday. I get a message from facebook saying thanks but no thanks. She said I'm a cool guy and everything but our views are just different and she didn't feel comfortable with that. So I asked my teacher for her # and never got it, which is probably a good thing. So I messaged her asking her to call me, which she refused to do- saying "there's nothing else for me to say". So I replied telling her exactly what I wanted to tell her- that I think the same way about a relationship with an atheist that she does with a Christian and that I wasn't offended, yet I still like her and want to be friends.
 
OK it appears there's a lot of miscommunication going on here between me and the rest of you so let's go back a ways.

I asked her out 2 classes ago. She asked if she could get back to me. I then talked to my teacher about it since he knows her real well and said knowing her, that means no. She just has one specific type of guy that she's looking for, and it's not me. He said in her mind, the religion thing may have been the only thing stopping us, and it sounds like he was right.

Fast forward to yesterday. I get a message from facebook saying thanks but no thanks. She said I'm a cool guy and everything but our views are just different and she didn't feel comfortable with that. So I asked my teacher for her # and never got it, which is probably a good thing. So I messaged her asking her to call me, which she refused to do- saying "there's nothing else for me to say". So I replied telling her exactly what I wanted to tell her- that I think the same way about a relationship with an atheist that she does with a Christian and that I wasn't offended, yet I still like her and want to be friends.
Just a side thought, but there are a lot of Christians in the country. That certainly removes tons of dating prospects for her. But props for asking her out, then coming back to continue your friendship. You are stronger than many men. XD
Personally, I don't see how religion is such an obstacle in some bf/gf relationships, but you're living the situation. I'm sure from your angle it's the reasonable move to make.

@eddie: The only way you get a gf/spouse is by asking out girls. And the trick is, you get better at it the more often you do it. There's also the factor that some people fall harder than others when getting rejected, but drummindan seems to be handling things pretty smoothly. (to me, a 17 yr old lol)
 

kettles

Gold Member
I can see religion getting in the way of a relationship. I personally don't think that I could have a relationship with someone subscribed to a religion, at least not long term. It just wouldn't work. Not to confuse religion with spirituality though. I'm not an atheist either.

I'm also a vegan and probably wouldn't last with someone who wasn't at least vegetarian. It's all about being on the same wavelength, man.
 
I can see religion getting in the way of a relationship. I personally don't think that I could have a relationship with someone subscribed to a religion, at least not long term. It just wouldn't work. Not to confuse religion with spirituality though. I'm not an atheist either.

I'm also a vegan and probably wouldn't last with someone who wasn't at least vegetarian. It's all about being on the same wavelength, man.
I could definitely see it being a problem with long-term relationships, but for a college gf... eh, not as much. Especially if those two people live separately.

I'm not very religious (don't go to church), but I believe in God and like to think I'm pretty spiritual. Although I guess if I had a gf who came to my door at 6 am every Sunday and pulled me out of the warmth of my bed to attend church, that would lead to some problems.
 

drummindan8484

Senior Member
Just a side thought, but there are a lot of Christians in the country. That certainly removes tons of dating prospects for her. But props for asking her out, then coming back to continue your friendship. You are stronger than many men. XD
Personally, I don't see how religion is such an obstacle in some bf/gf relationships, but you're living the situation. I'm sure from your angle it's the reasonable move to make.

@eddie: The only way you get a gf/spouse is by asking out girls. And the trick is, you get better at it the more often you do it. There's also the factor that some people fall harder than others when getting rejected, but drummindan seems to be handling things pretty smoothly. (to me, a 17 yr old lol)
Thanks man. So far so good, she replied to my message this morning saying she's glad to know we're on the same page and talking to her in class nothing was too awkward.

Do have one question though. In my reply to that message, I very casually invited her to join me and the bass player from that class in seeing Bela Fleck and the Flecktones next March. The only thing is, is it wrong for a girl to hang out with 2 dudes at once? I figured I could at least ask her since I know she likes Bela and co, likes us as friends (dude has a girlfriend, I told him he can bring her along if he wishes), it's just the moderate level of taboo that could be seen with that. Opinions please. Keep in mind this is a girl who prefers to hang out with guys if I didn't mention that already (I saw some men's website refer to her type as the "Guy's Girl"- the slightly quirky girl that gets along better with guys do to her personality and interest.)
 

kettles

Gold Member
You're overthinking this way too much dude. I know because I used to do the same. It's great that you're trying to learn, but the best way is just get out there and learn by doing.

To answer your question, yes it's fine that a girl hangs out with two guys. Forget the fact that she's a girl and just treat her as another human being.
 

Thaard

Platinum Member
Just a side note. When you've been put/or put yourself in the "friend-zone" you will NEVER EVER have any chance of getting anything out of the girl. If you want to just be friends with her and haven't got any other thoughts, then it's alright to bring the other dude with you. It's not like he's going to steal her.
 

Pocket-full-of-gold

Platinum Member
(I saw some men's website refer to her type as the "Guy's Girl"- the slightly quirky girl that gets along better with guys do to her personality and interest.)
You spend too much time paying attention to internet websites and not nearly enough time living your life.

Dudes have been picking up birds without the assistance of computers for several thousand years. Given that there's 7 billion of us on this planet, I'd argue it's been a pretty effective approach.
Get out and get amongst it mate.
 
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