For my right hand, I find my stick lays in between the 1st and 2nd joint on my index finger and then across the second joint of my middle finger...for most playing. I notice my grip can change a little depending on what I am playing - power vs. speed.
My left hand is traditional grip, in most cases, but when I switch to matched grip, it would be the same as my right.
Developing a good grip is essential, but I think it's a very personal thing. Find one that is confortable and relaxed and you shoud be good!
i'm with you about the second joint. my stick ends up between the first and second joint of my forefinger most of the time. when i'm playing a closed roll, it's more on the first joint. when i'm playing hard around the toms it's more on the second joint. i share the grip between the index and middle fingers and i try to hang on loosely. in other words, i don't squeeze with any fingers.
Way more relaxed at the first joint, usually pretty stiff in the second joint. If I'm playing loud and fast, I'm thinking more about my middle finger - or maybe even ring/pinky - and letting my index fly wherever it wants.