DRUMMERWORLD OFFICIAL DISCUSSION FORUM   

Go Back   DRUMMERWORLD OFFICIAL DISCUSSION FORUM > Off Topic Lounge

Off Topic Lounge All Discussions Not Related To Drumming

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 07-21-2011, 08:49 PM
Sever Dismember Drummer Sever Dismember Drummer is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 8
Default Kicking someone out of the band

ok I have a dilemma, I'm the vox for a black metal band and drummer for a death metal band.

My drummer for the black metal band got a girlfriend and asked her everytime whether it was ok if he came to rehearsals (he's a 33 yr old man btw and his gf is 19). He began skipping out, and he was not very good on top of that, everytime we wanted to suggest something he'd become defensive and become dramatic. We also were willing to pay for him to go to school and get lessons to help him get better (which he said he would do anyway) and he kept making excuses like "I dont have money" I replied 'We will pay for it', then he said "Oh I dont have time", I said ' it's only about an hr for 1 day out of the week, no time really lost there', then he said " but i need to work as much as possible", then I said ' your job is part time and prob the most flexible job in the world for going to school ad tandom'.

but despite all of the back and fourth , he never went to school, in fact his drumming became worse, because he allowed himself to be controlled by someone else's decisions but his own.

so, we went to his place and told him it wasn't working out ( in a calm and actually... nice manner) and even offered to help him move gear, but despite all he was very angry and emotional and took his stuff and never talked to us again... until today.

I messaged him on FB and wanted to see how he was doing.
his reply: "honestly don't email me anymore, I don't want to be friends"

I was crushed, he was my best friend and I have never kicked anyone out of a band before; I still feel horrible even though technically, I didn't do anything wrong... but why do I feel so terrible...
really depressed right now.

If you have a story please post it I would like to know how you would handle it, or how you did handle kicking someone out of a band;

Also any story where you were kicked out of the band, and how you handled it.

thanks
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 07-21-2011, 09:49 PM
onemic's Avatar
onemic onemic is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Toronto
Posts: 50
Default Re: Kicking someone out of the band

The fact that he's a grown 33 year old man dating a 19 year old is already messed up enough, but that she's the one controlling him? That's just flat out odd to me. I feel for ya man, but if you really think you did nothing wrong(and by what you described you weren't) perhaps you could send him one final email fully explaining what you just explained to us and why you had to let him go. He's probably taking it very personally when in fact the decision wasn't personal at all.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 07-21-2011, 09:55 PM
Sever Dismember Drummer Sever Dismember Drummer is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 8
Default Re: Kicking someone out of the band

Quote:
Originally Posted by onemic View Post
The fact that he's a grown 33 year old man dating a 19 year old is already messed up enough, but that she's the one controlling him? That's just flat out odd to me. I feel for ya man, but if you really think you did nothing wrong(and by what you described you weren't) perhaps you could send him one final email fully explaining what you just explained to us and why you had to let him go. He's probably taking it very personally when in fact the decision wasn't personal at all.
oh im a woman btw lol... not that it matters I dress like a guy and act like one anyway.

and yeah that's a really good idea maybe I will email him, but I don't want it to become worse... well, lol guess it can't get any worse than this, might as well
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 07-21-2011, 10:01 PM
Biscuit Biscuit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: In a padded room.
Posts: 427
Default Re: Kicking someone out of the band

I agree with Onemic. Also it sounds like your friend still has a little growing up to do. It's really not that big of a deal. I say that because of this...just because you can't play in a band together doesn't mean you can't still can't be friends.

This has happend to me on a few occasions. We let a guy go out of our band who happend to be a good friend to everybody in the group. He obviousely wasn't happy about it but he still come's around and we are all still very good friends. The line has to be drawn where it's one thing to be in a band together but another to still be friends as well.

I really hope you guys can get this resolved.
__________________
Jeff

Sabian / DW / Evans / Vic Firth
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 07-21-2011, 10:15 PM
N.I.B. N.I.B. is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: South Carolina, USA
Posts: 117
Default Re: Kicking someone out of the band

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sever Dismember Drummer View Post

My drummer for the black metal band got a girlfriend and asked her everytime whether it was ok if he came to rehearsals (he's a 33 yr old man btw and his gf is 19).
The red flag popped up as soon as I read that. But you're not the problem. You said that there were no hard feelings between you and him - if he takes it personally, that's on him. You were right to do what you did!
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 07-21-2011, 10:37 PM
bermuda's Avatar
bermuda bermuda is offline
Drummerworld Pro Drummer - Administrator
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 6,049
Default Re: Kicking someone out of the band

Quote:
Originally Posted by N.I.B. View Post
But you're not the problem. You said that there were no hard feelings between you and him - if he takes it personally, that's on him. You were right to do what you did!
Agreed.

Bermuda

Must... have... 20...
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 07-21-2011, 11:10 PM
larryace's Avatar
larryace larryace is offline
"Uncle Larry"
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: In beautiful Bucks County, PA
Posts: 13,782
Default Re: Kicking someone out of the band

I'd say if you still want to be friends, and he was your best friend before...ignore his request not to contact him and keep up your end of the friendship. If he needs to blow up at you, let him. Once he gets it out of his system and you are still there being a friend, it should blow over eventually.

You have to kind of...be a parent sort of...let him be immature, don't get upset, just be understanding, and he should come around after a while.
Just be honest and say that the drumming thing is separate from the friend thing, and the drumming thing wasn't working out for the others, but he is just what you need/want as a friend. His drumming is not a measure of the friendship you guys have. Let him know how much you value him as a friend. Elaborate, it's what he needs to hear.

Put your feelings aside and help him deal with his.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 07-21-2011, 11:58 PM
Deathmetalconga's Avatar
Deathmetalconga Deathmetalconga is offline
Platinum Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Boise, Idaho
Posts: 7,231
Default Re: Kicking someone out of the band

Based on how you have described it, this is a textbook case on how to properly handle this kind of situation. You took an interest in the drummer as a person and as a musician and offered to help him improve. Hell, I've never even heard of that sort of thing happening! He was too lazy, distracted and immature to improve himself and your offer probably intimidated him.

People who are mature and secure take ownership of what happens to them and they don't blame others for stuff like this. This drummer sounds like he himself was a lot closer to 19 in age, instead of 33. You deserve to have friends who are on your level of maturity. Like Maya Angelou said, when people reveal themselves to you, believe them.
__________________
Ironwood kit Tiki kit Openhanders Vids
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 07-22-2011, 02:13 AM
Pocket-full-of-gold's Avatar
Pocket-full-of-gold Pocket-full-of-gold is offline
Platinum Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Melbourne, Australia.
Posts: 9,959
Default Re: Kicking someone out of the band

Quote:
Originally Posted by onemic View Post
The fact that he's a grown 33 year old man dating a 19 year old is already messed up enough,
Yeah? Man.....half his luck, I say.


Sever, he's being a child and it's all of his own doing. You can't make him be friends, so I really wouldn't bother with it any further. It's a shame that it ended badly, but it is what it is. I'll diverge from my old mate Larry a little here and state that the role of "parenting" is not your responsibilty. He's a big boy and if he can't cope with this then he has little scope to cope with anything through the rest of his life. Take on the role of "parent" and he'll suck the life blood outta you.....sure and simple.
Maybe I'm too much of a hardarse, but I have little time for attention seekers and ingrates.

Friendship is a two way street, he's disinterested, so there's little you can do. Move on and be happy. :-)
__________________
What's the best cape for running away from a gig?
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 07-22-2011, 05:16 AM
Pollyanna's Avatar
Pollyanna Pollyanna is offline
Platinum Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Cyberspace, Sydney connection
Posts: 10,000
Default Re: Kicking someone out of the band

Well done, Sever. You did all the right things, way over and above the call of duty.

Your friend needs to understand that his behaviour was causing problems for everyone in the band, not just you. If you're in a band with committed players and you're not as committed there are only two ethical options - get committed or make way for someone who is.

There is also an unethical option - clinging on to the spot and stringing everyone along without worrying about how you inconvenience them. That's the path your friend took because at the moment his brains seem to have shifted from his big head to his little one.

Once this relationship blows over and his young chickadee finds herself a hot young bloke then he'll probably regain use of his brain cells and may well be open to being friends again. Whether you are or not after his bad behaviour is another matter ...

PFOG said it's a shame that it's ended badly but it's never over until I sing! You two may become friends again.
__________________
.
Polly's rhythms
.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are Off
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off




All times are GMT +2. The time now is 02:24 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.0
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Bernhard Castiglioni's DRUMMERWORLD.com