Wives and Girlfriends at Gigs

[jdrummys]

The band I'm in plays out 2 x month. At almost every gig, the three of their significant others are there- all hanging out with each other. They have older kids, whereas my wife and I have a 2 year old at home, so getting a sitter is an issue. And the thing is, I wouldnt really want her at a lot of gigs. I look at it as my alone time. Because of this I always feel like a 5th wheel and dont really hang out between sets. Would this situation bother you, or am I being irrational??

[thechief7676]

I enjoy having my wife at my shows because she helps me load in/out my gear!

[DrumEatDrum]

I'd be offended if my wife didn't come to a show!

But I understand, if you kids, and need a sitter, it would be easier if she didn't come every time.

[caddywumpus]

I, too, see gigging as my "alone time", in a manner of speaking. My wife usually watches the kids while I work (gig), but she hires a sitter every once in a while and checks out a gig that I pump up for her. It's not that I want to not spend time with her, but it's more a matter of needing space outside of our relationship to go and be creative. All healthy marriages/relationships have some degree of "alone time" where each spouse/person is able to pursue their passions or just chill on their own. That way, you actually have something to share and bring to the relationship. This is why my dad, and his dad, and his dad's dad had a den or garage or whatever...guys need their space from time to time. There's no guilt in it, especially if the babysitter costs are going to be an issue. The more palatable the way you can explain this to your wife, the better. Chances are that she IS excited for you to pursue what you love, but she probably doesn't want to catch EVERY gig. I mean, you guys have a 2-year old...you guys are both probably tired anyways!

And, feeling like a 5th wheel is an issue you have to deal with, personally. It's all about how YOU feel, and you yourself are conjuring up that perception (unless they are intentionally making digs at you or something--if they are, then there are some issues there, too). Take the time at breaks to "be alone". Get the most out of your alone time. Sit at the bar and just chill, or sit at a table and read a book, or go and mingle it up with some people in the bar--you're not limited to hanging out with your bandmates. Let the music feed your soul and allow the "alone time" to recharge your battery...

[RogerLudwig]

I'm with caddywumpus. I prefer to go it alone at gigs. More freedom to relax outside of the relationship and I don't have to worry if she's having a good time. Some gigs simply don't allow for wives, such as weddings and bar mitzvahs.

[bermuda]

Wives and girlfriends at the gig are a bad idea.

Best not to invite both to the same gig.


:)

[KBadd]

My wife goes to all my gigs. She is the lead singer and keyboards as well. Ha! She rocks!

[zambizzi]

Originally Posted by bermuda

Wives and girlfriends at the gig are a bad idea.

Best not to invite both to the same gig.


:)

I could see how that might be awkward. :P

[mikeg]

All of the wives of my band mates come to the gigs; not every time, but most of the time. I like that my wife comes out and enjoy's watching me play. The thing you don't want is for her to become jealous of your other woman "Music", and resent your playing and leaving her at home.

[arthurk1]

I love it when my girlfriend comes to my shows! I adore her and play a lot, so I really enjoy it!

[DrumEatDrum]

Originally Posted by bermuda

Wives and girlfriends at the gig are a bad idea.

Best not to invite both to the same gig.


:)

If you plan it right, it's not so bad. :-P

[Florian]

my wife is the lead singer.....cant gig w/o her.


F

[Spreggy]

In a bar band I was in a while back, the wives were at the gigs pretty much all the time, and it was our (the wif and I) night out so to speak. We all became great friends, had lots of parties, and the band even took vacations together.

We're still good friends with one of the couples, the other two went band-jerk on us and broke up the band over some ridiculous thing.

[Neil]

My girlfriend doesn't turn up to everyone we play, I can understand that. I can't always offer her a lift and someone of the dives we've played in I wouldn't want her hanging around at the tube station anyway!
However, when she is there it's always great she brings her friends along and is always the first up to dance and then gives me a hand with carrying the gear out to the car. Weirdly I always get more nervous when she's there though!

[cathartic_j]

I don't play out terribly often, so my girlfriend usually makes a point of trying to see me perform when I do. She's acted in a variety of productions, and I usually try to see her perform at least once or twice during the run of one of her shows. I'm lucky to currently be with someone who is extremely supportive of my passions -- a trait that's very important to me -- and I try my best to do the same for her.

I understand the need for "alone time" in a relationship -- it's a very healthy thing -- but I prefer for that to come on the many days I'm practicing, rather than the few when I'm in front of an audience. In the latter situation, I really appreciate whatever support I can get.

Originally Posted by bermuda

Wives and girlfriends at the gig are a bad idea.

Best not to invite both to the same gig.


:)

Well played!

[Thaard]

Seeing as my girflriend is my right hand, I can't gig without "her"..

[zambizzi]

Originally Posted by Thaard

Seeing as my girflriend is my right hand, I can't gig without "her"..

Ha! Wow. :|

.................................................. ........

[Masheanhed]

I always ask my wife to go. I figure if I am going out to have a good time, then why shouldn't she. Plus I like having her support. Nice to know at least ONE person out there is cheering for me!

[Anduin]

Originally Posted by jdrummys

...I always feel like a 5th wheel and dont really hang out between sets. Would this situation bother you, or am I being irrational??

You should hang out with the wives/girlfriends along with the rest of the band on breaks. (Assuming you want to.) Don't think you're a 5th wheel. The wives see their hubbies all the time; they're there to have a night out with a good time, not to have couple time.

[Gremson]

My girlfriend tries to come to all of my shows.

She helps me with my gear, and the rest of the band appreciates her because she handles our merch and website.
We're always weary of the Yoko syndrome, but myself and the band always appreciate everything she does for us.

Plus it's a hell of a lot easier not having to figure out who I'm taking hoe with me that night!

[fat in the middle]

My wife comes to the ones that are 'note able'. She is a good judge of how the night turns out. A good critic, that will say what she sees and not compliment easily. I do understand the 'alone' gigs though, because much of a gig is hanging with the band before and after playing.

[Nodiggie]

My wife and guitar player's wife work local shows with us selling cd's, swag and such. She actually encouraged me to answer the add she saw for the current band I'm in. I am truly blessed to have her.

[rogue_drummer]

My girlfriend is a live music follower, so whenever we are not playing, we usually go a venue where there is live music. It turns out we went to the same HS together many years ago and now both of us are single and at the "right" place in our lives to enjoy each other. We knew "of" each other but didn't really hook up in HS. Her kids are older than mine and on their own. She had them a lot earlier than I did. She's introduced me to a lot of local musicians and we enjoy going to support them whenever they play. Some of them I knew in HS but had no idea they still are playing.

As for taking her to my gigs, she's all for it! She loves to come hear me play and she's becoming quite the supporting spouse. I play in two very different bands but she loves both of them and enjoys the music. Her daughter is going for her 2nd masters degree in music theory, so she knows the level of commitment a gigging band needs and appreciates the work involved.

And she helps me unload and load back up, gets me drinks whenever I need "a cold one" and mixes and mingles with my other band mates spouses and girlfriends, and assorted groupies. Haha!

And I love having her there to reassure us we sound good and are not sucking. Or if we are sucking, she tells me. She's very open and honest and I've come to appreciate that aspect of her.

[rockinrider]

Wifey's heard me play ... she's not impressed enough to hear me again!

[alparrott]

My wife is and has been very supportive of my career/hobbies, so she comes along on a lot of my gigs. She has over the years become pretty proficient in helping me load, unload, set up, and tear down too (which is a blessing because I have a very large kit).

But there's been many times when she either can't make it... or decides she doesn't feel like going. Hey, you know, rock clubs are very loud, and people are yelling and drinking and being buttholes, and maybe she's not feeling like being in that scene that night. In your case, with a kid, I can totally see where there's not enough energy left at the end of the day to deal with that.

There's nothing wrong with being the guy who has to tear down quickly to get home to the family, as long as it's not every single gig. There's also nothing wrong with the wife staying home, but I agree, there are some gigs where it means a lot to us to have our s.o's there. The best thing to do is to tell her what her attendance at that special show would mean to you. And if it means that much, spring for a sitter yourself.