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  #1  
Old 07-24-2009, 12:55 AM
jmhudak17 jmhudak17 is offline
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Default Lyrics I Wrote For My Band

I play drums in my band, and I wrote a song yesterday. Tell me what you think:

I'm still alive,
But my dreams are dead.
Selling your soul,
To get in my head.
You made it black,
When my sky was blue.
The torture inside,
If only you knew.

How can I show you,
That my time is now.
I never could live,
Yeah I never knew how.
If living a lie,
Isn't what I deserve.
Then I cannot wait,
I cannot wait to let go.

I saw a jewel,
That I couldn't reach.
My heart's been drained.
And now I'm pushed to the brink.
You pushed me back,
Threw me in the mud.
And you're always there,
To wipe up the blood.

How can I show you,
That my time is now.
I never could live,
Yeah I never knew how.
If living a lie,
Isn't what I deserve.
Then I cannot wait,
I cannot wait to let go.
I cannot wait to let go.
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  #2  
Old 07-25-2009, 02:42 AM
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Pollyanna Pollyanna is offline
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Default Re: Lyrics I Wrote For My Band

I think you need to find a new partner! One thing that bugs me about a lot of lyrics is the writers never seem to want to work sensibly through their problems and blame it all on The Partner From Hell. What about personal responsibility? Now, lemme tell you that back in my day ... *wink*

Seriously, the lyrics are melodramatic but could work in some styles. I think the second verse (chorus?) has the strongest flow. I like:

If living a lie,
Isn't what I deserve.
Then I cannot wait,
I cannot wait to let go.

Singers like the lyrics to flow - that feel good to say or sing in sequence. So "You threw me in the mud" would sound smoother to my ear as "Thrown in the mud". Apart from rappers and Dylanesque types, most singers enjoy lines that leave them some room to move.

It can be hard to comment on something as subjective as lyrics, but I like to find more "coloured" alternatives to standard words. So, rather than saying, "To get in my head" I'd go for "To mess with my head".

Given the Pearl Jam connection in your opening line I think "You made it black" would sound cooler as "You painted me black" :)

Keep at it and good luck. Nice to see drummers throwing in their two cents' worth.
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  #3  
Old 07-25-2009, 03:15 PM
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NUTHA JASON NUTHA JASON is offline
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Default Re: Lyrics I Wrote For My Band

lyrics are funny things. sometimes they look so stupid written down but sound amazing sung. expression and melody multiply the value hugely so that you could have absolute nonsense lyrics that sound like a declaration of war or a hopeless love song depending on delivery. i recently looked up all system of a down`s lyrics and got this impression once again. its hard to write meaningful lyrics ... harry chapin was one of the best IMO.

but then again
i am an eggplant
i am a walrus
j
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  #4  
Old 07-25-2009, 03:17 PM
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NUTHA JASON NUTHA JASON is offline
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Default Re: Lyrics I Wrote For My Band

RIP both of the great Chapins.
here is a sample of a master lyricist:

In the little town of Candor in the last year of my youth
I learned the final lesson of the levels to the truth
My father was a farmer he'd go tilling in the ground
My mother was a neighbor she'd go visiting around.

But I didn't care.
For I had found the answer to a plowboy's lonely prayer.
She was the daughter of the Mayor.

The Mayor fought my courtship for he'd made other plans
He saw her married to a better man than a boy with farmer's hands.
I said -- I hate your father, it's so hard not to strike him.
She said --You know I love you because you're so much like him.

And so I'd go sneaking in the evening
And there she'd stand a crying in the dawn as I was leaving

chorus:
But the Mayor of Candor lied
When he offered me his only daughter
The Mayor of Candor tried
To take her off across the water
What a thing to do to a young man in love
What a thing to do to your daughter.

One day with father on his tractor and mother off again
I go to find the mayor to work out what I can
But he is not at his office, he is not at his home
When I find him in the countryside he is not alone

He's holding a woman and imagine my surprise
As she jumps back from his arms I look into my mother's eyes
In the little town of Candor in the last year of my youth
I learned the final lesson of the levels to the truth
My father was a farmer he'd go tilling in the ground
My mother was a neighbor she'd go visiting around.

But I didn't care.
For I had found the answer to a plowboy's lonely prayer.
She was the daughter of the Mayor.

The Mayor fought my courtship for he'd made other plans
He saw her married to a better man than a boy with farmer's hands.
I said -- I hate your father, it's so hard not to strike him.
She said --You know I love you because you're so much like him.

And so I'd go sneaking in the evening
And there she'd stand a crying in the dawn as I was leaving

But the Mayor of Candor lied
When he offered me his only daughter
The Mayor of Candor tried
To take her off across the water
What a thing to do to a young man in love
What a thing to do to your daughter.

One day with father on his tractor and mother off again
I go to find the mayor to work out what I can
But he is not at his office, he is not at his home
When I find him in the countryside he is not alone

He's holding a woman and imagine my surprise
As she jumps back from his arms I look into my mother's eyes

(chorus)

All my thoughts of outrage, embarrassment and pain
Were washed away by what then went roaring through my brain
How the Mayor's at my mercy and I hear my own voice say --
Your run for re-election sir is one month away.

And the world will never know what I've seen here sir
But I'll be with your daughter is my meaning clear sir?

(chorus)

My mother looks in horror at this compromise we made
But the Mayor's rueful smile says the piper must be paid
I had a month of joy in heaven from this deal I'd made in hell
What was to happen then my friend the prophet could not tell

The day after his re-election and the victory celebration
The Mayor takes his family on a month long foreign vacation

Oh Coleen -- you know how much I love you
There is no one I'd ever place above you
Oh Coleen -- you don't even know me
To have you there's nothing that's below me.

But time always passes after all
And as the summer follows spring so does the winter follow fall

The day that they return I stand waiting in the road
I watch the car drive up I watch the passengers unload
Of course she isn't there of course I should have known
The Mayor says that she has stayed the decision is her own.
He says " She's finishing her schooling, on that unseen foreign shore
and I'll tell you very frankly boy, you'll not see her anymore

(chorus)

I spit out my hatred and my fury at his lies
When he says you tried to blackmail me you're just as bad as I
Go on and do your damndest boy, throw your mother to the streets
You know it's been too many years I've had to be discreet
And as he stands there saying we're just two of a kind
It hits me like a thunderbolt exploding in my mind

As I look into his leering aged wrinkled mirror of my own face
He laughs and sneers and says -- Of course dear son --
Where do you think you came from in the first place?

(chorus)

j
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  #5  
Old 07-25-2009, 03:31 PM
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Pollyanna Pollyanna is offline
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Default Re: Lyrics I Wrote For My Band

Amazing lyrics, thanks Jason. It's like a short story in rhyme. Dunno who this Chapin guys is.

One of my fave lyricists is Jethro Tull's Ian Anderson. How about the Thick as a Brick lyric:
Really don't mind if you sit this one out.

My words but a whisper -- your deafness a SHOUT.
I may make you feel but I can't make you think.
Your sperm's in the gutter -- your love's in the sink.

So you ride yourselves over the fields and
you make all your animal deals and
your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick.

And the sand-castle virtues are all swept away in
the tidal destruction
the moral melee.
The elastic retreat rings the close of play as the last wave uncovers
the newfangled way.

But your new shoes are worn at the heels and
your suntan does rapidly peel and
your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick.

And the love that I feel is so far away:
I'm a bad dream that I just had today -- and you
shake your head and
say it's a shame.

Spin me back down the years and the days of my youth.
Draw the lace and black curtains and shut out the whole truth.
Spin me down the long ages: let them sing the song.
etc ... the rest of that lyric is at:

http://www.venco.com.pl/~jethro/Albu...ick-lyrics.htm
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  #6  
Old 07-25-2009, 04:48 PM
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NUTHA JASON NUTHA JASON is offline
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Default Re: Lyrics I Wrote For My Band

harry chapin was the brilliant son of the recently deceased master drummer: jim chapin. harry died many years ago but left behind him a catalogue of folk songs to rival bob dylan.

ian anderson is quirky. i like some of his stuff. i used to play the flute so i got into JT when i was a teen.

j

ps: another chapin favourite of mine:


The little boy went first day of school
He got some crayons and started to draw
He put colors all over the paper
For colors was what he saw
And the teacher said.. What you doin' young man
I'm paintin' flowers he said
She said... It's not the time for art young man
And anyway flowers are green and red
There's a time for everything young man
And a way it should be done
You've got to show concern for everyone else
For you're not the only one

And she said...
Flowers are red young man
Green leaves are green
There's no need to see flowers any other way
Than they way they always have been seen

But the little boy said...
There are so many colors in the rainbow
So many colors in the morning sun
So many colors in the flower and I see every one

Well the teacher said.. You're sassy
There's ways that things should be
And you'll paint flowers the way they are
So repeat after me.....

And she said...
Flowers are red young man
Green leaves are green
There's no need to see flowers any other way
Than they way they always have been seen

But the little boy said...
There are so many colors in the rainbow
So many colors in the morning sun
So many colors in the flower and I see every one

The teacher put him in a corner
She said.. It's for your own good..
And you won't come out 'til you get it right
And are responding like you should
Well finally he got lonely
Frightened thoughts filled his head
And he went up to the teacher
And this is what he said.. and he said

Flowers are red, green leaves are green
There's no need to see flowers any other way
Than the way they always have been seen

Time went by like it always does
And they moved to another town
And the little boy went to another school
And this is what he found
The teacher there was smilin'
She said...Painting should be fun
And there are so many colors in a flower
So let's use every one

But that little boy painted flowers
In neat rows of green and red
And when the teacher asked him why
This is what he said.. and he said

Flowers are red, green leaves are green
There's no need to see flowers any other way
Than the way they always have been seen.

But there still must be a way to have our children say . . .

There are so many colors in the rainbow
So many colors in the morning sun
So many colors in the flower and I see every one


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  #7  
Old 07-26-2009, 08:50 AM
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Pollyanna Pollyanna is offline
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Default Re: Lyrics I Wrote For My Band

That's a poignant lyric, Jason. Interesting to see that Jim Chapin's son is a wordsmith.

I think this must be my fave lyric - Closer to Fine by the Indigo Girls:
I'm trying to tell you something about my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white
And the best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously
It's only life after all.

Well, darkness has a hunger thats insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it
I'm crawling on your shores.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

And I went to see the doctor of philosophy
With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee
He never did marry or see a B-grade movie
He graded my performance, he said he could see through me
I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind
Got my paper and I was free.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
Theres more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.

I stopped by the bar at 3am
To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend
And I woke up with a headache like my head against a board
Twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before
And I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
Yeah we go to the doctor, we go to the mountains
We look to the children, we drink from the fountains
Yeah we go to the bible, we go through the workout
We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout
There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line
The less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.
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