I can't take it anymore! Wife smokes, I don't. Tips are welcome!

Phat_Rolls

Senior Member
Hey guys time for my soap-box,

First, I really apologize if I'm offending any smokers out there. I used to smoke, quit about 4 years ago and I know it's a serious PITA if you're trying to quit. So yes, I'm a little bit of a hypocrite here, but here'goes.

Like I mentioned, I used to smoke, for about 10 years. When I met my then-future-wife I smoked as well, though I never really liked it. I did it because when I was young I thought it was cool then addiction set it, but I always despised the taste, the smell, etc. Well, now I've been quited for 4+ years and I just cannot stand the smell anymore. It's one thing when you're a smoker because you can barely smell it, but it's so bad I can smell her from across the house, literally. It seems like some smokers reek more than others, I don't know why, but it just seems that way and when my beloved wife smokes she REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKS (not to mention all the other effects it's having on her). One time I was showering and she decided to hop in after just having a smoke and I actually had to get out because it started churning my stomach.

Here's the thing-
She knows how I feel about it. I've mentioned it numerous times. Sometimes she'll lay by me on the couch and she'll catch me holding my nose, I've even told her that the smell is almost unbearable for me. The problem is that it seems like she has absolutely no desire to quit. She bought an electric cig, which seemed like a godsend, but she quickly discarded it and moved back to the real deal. She has even said she doesn't desire quitting, even for her own health. I dread riding in the car with her, I don't feel like being affectionate, ugh - I know, I'm bad for feeling this way.

What's a boy to do? She tried brushing her teeth more often and using mints and such, but it's short-lived because she smokes so much. Does anyone have any tips? Again, I'm so sorry if I'm offending anybody. I just don't know what to do - it was definitely much easier when I smoked because I couldn't smell it nearly as bad! (though that's not ever gonna happen again!).

Okay, off my soapbox now.
 
Your choices:

Accept it
Give her an ultimatum, quit or be divorced
Divorce her
Start smoking
Throw her cigs out everyday and forbid her to smoke around you. In other words, a constant battle.

If I'm missing any, feel free to add to the list.
 
Your choices:

Accept it
Give her an ultimatum, quit or be divorced
Divorce her
Start smoking
Throw her cigs out everyday and forbid her to smoke around you. In other words, a constant battle.

If I'm missing any, feel free to add to the list.

Yeah, I guess that really sums up the options. Unfortunately none of them are attractive.

Accepting it, well that sucks because it's absolutely gross and extremely unattractive, and nobody wants to feel that way about their spouse. I can't help that it grosses me out so much.

Divorcing somebody because they smoke is really lame, especially since I smoked when I met her.

Starting smoking is absolutely not an option.

Forbidding her to smoke - well, that's going to cause a lot of fights, but I suppose it's really the less evil of all the options.

I dunno.
 
Sounds harsh, but I'd have to opt for quit or divorce...
 
Smokin'!!!! :)

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I walked straight into that one, didn't I?

It has got be be an issue I suppose, right? The poor man's stomach churns at the smell of her.. cant be easy, your heart saying yes and yer nose saying no..

PS- btw, I'm working on the Barcelona thing, PFG. Pickpockets are a problem there though. The advice is to carry one credit card and minimum cash on you and leave the rest in the hotel locker.

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It has got be be an issue I suppose, right? The poor man's stomach churns at the smell of her.. cant be easy, your heart saying yes and yer nose saying no..

I'm the wrong person to ask Aydee......it'd take a hell of a lot more than cigarette smoke to wane my wanton desires!!

I have a little theory on pickpockets.....the way I see it, if we were to squander our money foolishly at a Spanish bar, then there'd be no pocket left to pick. :)
 
I'd opt for the constant battle. What better way to stand your ground and fight for what you believe in. It may just turn her on. It is in her best interest. Play up that angle. Plus there's the make up aspect of it.
Actually a compromise is another option. She cannot smoke in the house or car while you're there. That means not being able to go outside too. Time to get tough with her.
 
This situation obviously can't continue. If smoking is more important than the relationship for her...that's something you need to find out sooner rather than later. Not worth putting off the inevitable confrontation for any longer, I would say. Raise the issue, be honest, and see what happens.
 
I'm on the other side where my wife recently quit and I continue to smoke. I definitely recognize how awful it can be especially in a marriage for one to smoke and the other not. Here are some things that I do and most I did before I quit:
1) never smoke in the house, it carries into everything and makes all your clothes smell et cetera.
2) I don't smoke in her car.
3) I brush my teeth and use mouth wash before any intimacy.
4) Washing my face is critical, now that I'm more conscientious with her not smoking I can tell how much it really just gets into your skin.

Other suggestions:
The type of cigarette matters to some degree, some brands have a worse smell.
Your affliction to the scent while not uncommon is very severe. Nausea at a 3rd hand level is a pretty extreme reaction and I would consider asking a doctor if you've developed an allergy or something.
It could also be a mentally induced reaction if it's a rather recent thing, might want to see if there are other stressers that come out as a problem with smoking. I tend to pick trivial spats with my wife when there's usually an underlying thing that is completely unrelated but the real issue.

If she is making efforts to be accommodating I think divorce is rather extreme. But keep in mind that as a smoker you're also attacking her identity when you hold your nose. Yes I know I stink, but if my wife did that I'd be hurt. At times I do feel left behind a bit because she was able to quit and I "cannot".

Best of luck working through it, it sounds terrible but I have a feeling I'll be going through something similar before I know it. Also, Congratulations on 4 years!
 
Options;

a/ Ask her if she'd mind you borrowing her non smoking sister for the intimate element of your relationship.

b/ Restrict yourself to the non smoking bits during intimate encounters.

c/ Buy a single seat sports car.

d/ Cut a deal with her. You can spend as much on drum stuff as she does on smoking (that should add up to at least one full high end kit / year).

e/ Work on your hand & wrist technique (purely a drumming ref:)
 
Thanks for all the tips and input!

IDDrummer,
Divorce is a bit extreme. I do love her very much and I understand that it's very hard to quit, plus like I mentioned I smoked when we met, which would make that a little extra effed up.

aydee,
Sex is fine. She's very self conscious about it during intimate times and before it gets too hot and heavy she always washes her face, hands, brushes her teeth, etc. She does this on her own, thankfully. I've never had to ask her to de-stink for that.

larry,
Thankfully she doesn't smoke in the house.

Chay,
What's odd is it seems that some smokers reek more than others. I can definitely smell it on any smoker but it really tends to stick to her, plus she smokes quite a bit. It doesn't normally make me nauseous, but it has before and at best it's 'very foul'.

keep it simple,
Great tips! I like the idea of being able to spend as much on drumming as she does on smoking, but there's a catch to that (because I've actually brought this up). I take various MMA classes, and I go to a really high-end gym, which costs more than her smoking per/month and she has mentioned for this to be fair then I'd have to quit all of that. Plus I spend more on food then she does cuz I eat 5 meals a day and such. But nice angle!
 
Can't remember the details - indeed I may be completely mistaken - but I have a vague recollection of something similar and the husband (or wife or whichever one was affected by the smoke) tried hypnosis. Again, whether it worked or helped I don't know, but it might he worth looking into.
 
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jokes aside, like you, I'm an ex smoker and can truly empathize on both sides of the fence.

I was insensitive smoker despite serious complaints from friends & family, largely because as a smoker you just cant smell the smoke! period. Why was everyone fussing? I didn't get it.

Having quit 10 years ago, I go ballistic with smokers around me, and now realize what an idiot I was, and how offensive the smell can be.

I also realize that it is very hard for a smoker to quit for 'someone else' or for any reason other than having had enough themselves. So if shes not quite there yet , it'll be rough going.

However, the good news is that there is doctor prescribed medication now that helps you ride the nicotine withdrawal cravings and fools your organoleptics into believing that there is enough nicotine in the system and 2 weeks later, hopefully you have a quitter.

But she's going to have to really want to do it. No amount of threats or blackmail will work IMO.

Good luck, bud.

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Just make faces at her and act all pissy when she smokes..My wife did it to me and it helped me quit : )
 
Try e cigs

it gives her nicotine and emits water vapor.

look it up
 
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