Leave Me Alone, rant 2

To sum it all up as to why these guys think they can do this to me... I think it's two-fold.. First and most telling, is that these types of people want others to think of them as being important; they want to be noticed; they can't get recognition and success as a drummer on their own, so they do what they can to make people think they're "drummers". Second, I'm the weaker sex.. female.... I'm the fresh meat that they can get a bite into and use to potentially get a little respect and acknowledgement about their "expertise".
This is gonna be a fun ride! Can't wait for our next show!
 
I suggest you become accustomed to using the phrase "I don't want to." It pretty much puts paid to argument, and it comes in very handy in all aspects of life.

I think Magenta has a lot of wisdom, you can try politeness, but sometimes you just need to end the conversation. I wouldn't want to have a conversation with these punks. I think you should avoid them too.
I think sexism may play a role, inexperience may play a role, I don't know. But for sure these people sound like punks who think they need to take you down a notch when you are at your highest. Sickening if you ask me. If these are your friends, then talk to them about helping you in other ways and tell them how you feel. If they are aquaintances then get unaquainted, avoid and ignore. Be rude if you have to, they sound rude. If these are strangers, then maybe respond with a chuckle but don't engage in a conversation.
Real drummers don't act like this to eachother.
 
"Martha My Dear", I think you've analysed exactly what is going on. This article http://www.theguardian.com/lifeands...l-work-ignored-maternity-risk-everyday-sexism was in the newspaper yesterday and it illustrates the same thing. I've had 1 and 2 happen to me, and I'm a director of the company I work for! I've also been present when a male subconsultant has expressed surprise at encountering a female railway engineer.

This is gonna be a fun ride! Can't wait for our next show!

That's the spirit! No apologies, no justifications - you don't need them. Not YOUR problem!
 
Do we have to immediately make everything about a person's outward characteristics? It probably has nothing to do with your sex (gender is a nonsensical psychological term), but rather to do with all the things you listed: your purposeful de-tuning of your drums, your preference for imprecise rolls, etc.

And I can't be the only person who gets this too. Last festival gig I played a few weeks ago was with five other bands. Most of the other drummers were nice guys. But one of them was hanging around the stage, and when I was loading my stuff he would say "Oh is that a Blah Ride? I had that, it sucks. I have something so much better now." "Oh is that a Blah snare? Yeah I used to have that, didn't cut through the band, so now I have a better one."

Sometimes people are just dicks.
 
Do we have to immediately make everything about a person's outward characteristics? It probably has nothing to do with your sex (gender is a nonsensical psychological term), but rather to do with all the things you listed: your purposeful de-tuning of your drums, your preference for imprecise rolls, etc.

And I can't be the only person who gets this too. Last festival gig I played a few weeks ago was with five other bands. Most of the other drummers were nice guys. But one of them was hanging around the stage, and when I was loading my stuff he would say "Oh is that a Blah Ride? I had that, it sucks. I have something so much better now." "Oh is that a Blah snare? Yeah I used to have that, didn't cut through the band, so now I have a better one."

Sometimes people are just dicks.

? Where did I say I purposefully de-tuned my drums or have a preference for imprecise rolls?????????? I said that I tuned them to John Bonham's drums and that I play rock not jazz. I'm trying to use my wrist and fingers more instead of my arms... trying to loosen up, so I lift my sticks more than jazz players that play low to the snare. I never said my rolls were "imprecise" and neither did anyone else.... they said I shouldn't lift my sticks so high, which is bull.
 
Do we have to immediately make everything about a person's outward characteristics? It probably has nothing to do with your sex (gender is a nonsensical psychological term), but rather to do with all the things you listed: your purposeful de-tuning of your drums, your preference for imprecise rolls, etc.

Hey, remember that thread where you complained about not being immediately hired after an audition, even though they said they liked how you played?

I think I figured out why.
 
Quit telling me after a performance that my drums are out of tune.... Stop telling me that my rolls aren't smooth enough (from jazz players, and I'm a rocker), stop telling me that my great Ludwig set sounds flat

Haters will hate, and creators will create.

In my experience, when people get up in my grill with this kind of pedantic crap, it's because they perceive that I have something that they either can't have or won't allow themselves to have.

And yes, I agree with the others on here who think that your gender has a part in triggering this reaction.

You're up there, kicking ass, with a gig, the center of attention, and what do they have? With an attitude like that, probably nobody wants to play with them at all. Somewhere inside, there's a voice that's telling them that they've been bested, and by a GIRL, no less.

So they try to chop you down a bit and try to lift themselves up by comparison.

Just remembering that is a good defense, as it can help defuse our immediate anger reaction.

If you want to cut them off at the ankles (verbal Kung Fu), give a slightly confused smile and say "thanks, but I don't remember asking for your opinion." Not a response for everyone.

If you want to actually engage them (verbal Aikido), you can say "I am playing/tuning to what's right for the style."

I used to use this last one in the '80's when I was playing bass in an underground hard rock band. I switched back and forth between playing with a plectrum and playing with my fingers as I saw fit. In those days, you were supposed to play with only your fingers, even the driving 8th note stuff. It may still be that way, for all I know or care.

The singer (of all people) in my band was bugging me to start playing with only my fingers, and I said "I use them on the funk stuff and the softer stuff, but when I want to play the hard stuff, I use a pick. Whatever's best for the style." No further discussion.

It's the truth, and it also contains the information that you know exactly what you're doing and perhaps what they are suggesting would be inappropriate. If they just come back with "good tuning/rolls are right for every style," give them a doo-doo eating grin and chirp "thanks!!"
 
I suggest you become accustomed to using the phrase "I don't want to." It pretty much puts paid to argument, and it comes in very handy in all aspects of life.

I wish my better half would never have learned that phrase!

IDK it seems like if it's the first time I'm saying something to someone, I'm not going to point out faults. Right there... that makes me think anyone who would do that.... they must lack certain basic manners, which also makes me think that I probably wouldn't value their opinion. Unless I know beforehand that they are a great player. But what great player is going to tear you down the first time they speak with you?

If the person is asked by the drummer what they thought....then that's different. Still pointing out the positive first, before getting into the negative, is a kind way to do it.

Basic friggin manners and respect lol.

+1
 
I wish my better half would never have learned that phrase

Works, doesn't it!

Still pointing out the positive first, before getting into the negative, is a kind way to do it.

Basic friggin manners and respect lol.

Basic friggin manners and respect, I grant you - but the A B A method is even better, so that you finish on a positive. It's so much easier to swallow when the negative is sandwiched between two positives.
 
....when I was loading my stuff he would say "Oh is that a Blah Ride? I had that, it sucks. I have something so much better now." "Oh is that a Blah snare? Yeah I used to have that, didn't cut through the band, so now I have a better one."

So your preference is for blah gear?

If someone criticizes your gear saying that they had it and it sounded bad, tell them that you are sorry that they couldn't get better results with it.
 
I think AllTheCoolNamesWereTaken sums things up nicely - some people are dicks, just play your beat Martha.
 
Works, doesn't it!



Basic friggin manners and respect, I grant you - but the A B A method is even better, so that you finish on a positive. It's so much easier to swallow when the negative is sandwiched between two positives.

For the last "A"...does..."but you really look good up there" qualify?

Good tip, cataloged.
 
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