Spousal Static - A mini Rant

mmulcahy1

mmulcahy1

Platinum Member
I guess the title pretty much says it. My wife has been giving me a bit of a hard time about my drumming lately. Not so much the practice part of it but the trying to get together with others and play part of it. Do any you have difficulties with your spouse (or significant other) when it comes to your playing the drums?

It's like she's really upset if I tell her I'm meeting with someone to play (which I've done 4 times in the last month - that's once per week! She actually had the nerve to ask me if I was looking for ways to get out of the house.

Don't get me wrong, I love my wife - but this crap is driving me nuts. She says she wants to support me in my drumming, but when I try to move to the next level (playing in a band) she's at best "luke warm" in the support category.

Sorry, I just needed to get this off my chest.
 
I asked my wife if I should get involved, and she said no.
 
bermuda said:
I asked my wife if I should get involved, and she said no.
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That's great, I'm going to go ask if I can laugh at this!

(The answer is "do whatever you think you should do", but it's a trap).
 
Man this is tough. Diplomacy. If that fails, shoes perhaps.

Sounds like bribe territory to me. You gotta pay tribute lol.

Either that or establish a precedent now that it's non negotiable. Definitely get shoes for that conversation lol.

She is feeling insecure and needs your compassion. She has competition. Make her feel special.

Don't give in either.
 
Oh man, the things I could say to this ...

What I can say is I feel you bro. I just went through this shit-show in a major way and it didn't end well.

Now that the dust has settled and new lives begun, I am *extremely* protective of my music time and won't compromise it again.

I'd rather be single.

Good luck, man.

Larry - very astute. You worn them shoes before? Sounds like it. I just had your alternate conversation last night. Shoes were prepped and ready, but it went well. For now ...
 
Drums were not meant to be played solo, you need to play in a band. At least you need to play in a band to have some real fun. You can learn all the theory and practice all you want but there's a huge amount that can only be learned by playing with others.

I was lucky to find a music teacher that teaches a full band at once. He taught bass, guitar and drums all at the same time in a group setting for a 2 hour lesson. My first drum lesson was playing with a band after 3 months of self teaching. It was eye opening, suddenly everything you practiced doesn't seem so solid and you have to learn to listen more than you thought. You learn that recovering from a mistake is a cruical skill to have, and so on. Playing with others is a huge deal.

If your wife says she supports you in your drumming than let her know that this next step you want to take is one of the most important.
 
mmulcahy1 said:
She says she wants to support me in my drumming, but when I try to move to the next level (playing in a band) she's at best "luke warm" in the support category.
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There's obviously something she's insecure about. Talking calmly about her concerns, no matter how baseless they may appear to be, is likely to be a useful first step.
 
I don't think drums are the problem here. The spouse may be feeling insecure or unloved at some level. If that problem is addressed, the drum time will probably take care of itself. This doesn't mean the OP has done anything wrong. It may be a Mars and Venus thing, so the discussion should be about feelings and not fixing the problem (the default Guy approach).

Signed,

A (old married) Guy
 
bobdadruma said:
This probably won't end happily.
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I agree. At least not happily for somebody. I have played with my share of some really good musicians who, over the years, have ether stopped playing entirely or all but stop playing because of a wife or girlfriend. Kinda sad.
 
bobdadruma said:
This probably won't end happily.
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Unfortunately, I agree. It's not the situation, exactly, but the way it's being talked about. Lots of explaining of HIS position while putting down HER position. Not good.

It sounds like you need to sit down and have a talk with her. It sounds like there is a lack of communication in the area of expectations. You expect her "support" to look one way, and it sounds like she expects something different from your side of the deal. Expectations are the number one killer of relationships. If you let this continue without clearing the air, resentment will build up and you guys will never be able to come to an agreement. I've seen it happen with musicians and their spouses several times, over practice schedules, amount of gear, touring schedules, "the lifestyle," etc. It sucks. Seriously, talk it out now while you have a chance, because it sounds as if harsh feelings are starting to settle in, at least on your end. Don't think of it as you against her, and ESPECIALLY don't think of it as her against you. You are in this relationship together--you need to work together, and the first step towards that is open communication.

Dude, good luck...
 
Can she learn to sing? Or play the guitar? Could she join your future band?

She might be missing something in life. If she finds what that is she might happy with your drumming in a band plan.

My partner is the bass player in our band... So we're cool. Actually, initially I started drumming because his band needed a drummer and I sat down and could just do it (probably quite badly initially...) then I got addicted and the whole drumming thing took on a life of its own...

Although the constant (padded) practice drumming does get to him after a while. Very supportive overall.

Agree with Larry, try to make both work.
 
As a newly married guy (<1 yr) I just want to thank all the old married guys for their contributions. My wife has only once expressed dislike at all the bands I was in, looking back it was because I wasn't making time for her. She could give a rat's patootie how many bands I'm in. Plus she is a musician so I really don't get nagged about abundance of gear that I have as long as the bills are getting paid.
 
Married? You can be right, or you can be happy. Men it's your choice.
 
MikeM said:
Define "happy"

........
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.Sorry to hear about this.I went through something similar,with both of my wives,and they both knew ahead of time...I was a drummer.In fact,my first wife met me through mutual friends in my band.That's why I'm single.Some people don't accept change well,and feel like ,in your situation,you'll be spending less time with your wife,and more time with a band.Practice,gigging ,and to some people,that's kind of a threat.Some feel,you're choosing music,over them.

I'm sure if you both sit down and talk it out,you can both work out some ground rules.It's tough to advise you what to do,because I really don't know your situation.House,kids....no kids...good job,no job,friends, who are non musicians,financial problems.....in other words,there's so many factors involved.

It sounds like you do love your wife,and am just at a temporary loss,of how
to reconcile your problem.I hope it all works out,but drawing lines in the sand,rarely resolves a problem.Best of luck my friend.

Steve B
 
WaitForItDrummer said:
She might be missing something in life. If she finds what that is she might happy with your drumming in a band plan.
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Agreed, and this is not atypical.

But - who's responsibility is it to make sure she has something fulfilling to do while he's off playing? If she's used to having him around as a constant companion, and feels like she's at risk of losing that ... Larry mentioned precedent, but it sounds like that's already been set and that this new venture is a departure from that.

Sounds like an open honest conversation is in order. Figure out what will make everyone happy (or at least acceptably less unhappy), and see if there's a middle ground.

But even if someone goes nuclear, the reality is that we all have our dreams and ambitions. As selfish as it might sound, people and relationships come and go, but peoples' dreams and desires remain relatively constant. Stay true to yourself.

If playing really qualifies as one of your life's constant dreams (no matter how trivial it may look on paper), is any relationship that takes it off the table a relationship that's healthy and worth maintaining? I think I used to be on the fence with this one, but am firmly in the "no" camp now.
 
tamadrm said:
...Some feel,you're choosing music,over them.
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I was doing some ruminating and soul-searching on this very thing.

The conclusion I came to was that it's similar to getting up and going to work. It's just one of those things you have to do to get by and makes life worth living.

Loving relationships and personal fulfillment aren't mutually exclusive; they compliment one another. It shouldn't be like, "... do you want to breathe or do you want to eat, cos you can't have both."

Some people are work-aholics and relationships do get damaged by that, but by and large people accept that the other has to go to work and it isn't usually perceived as a case of, "You prioritize work over me."

Even though people often don't like their jobs, if given the chance to retire early, that doesn't mean all that extra time would be spent with the sig other. There's a basic need that people have where they want to feel valued and seen as contributing something worthwhile. A lot of people get that from music more than from their jobs, and even super successful people who don't need to work do so anyway (Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, et al).

Why? Because it's important to them.
 
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