Moving on

Larry

"Uncle Larry"
The time has come for me to move on musically. Meaning I need to get away from the band I've been in for 8 years...to open me up to other possibilities. I already was offered a slot with an original blues band that I subbed for last year that I liked a lot. I'm rehearsing with them on Monday. Plus I got another offer to work out originals with another band I'm subbing for tomorrow. It's time for me to move on.

I'm getting suffocated with my current band. The tempos are Out. Of. Control. My band leader is too closed off to discuss this with. I tried. I've grown weary of him and my bass player who's brain is full of leaks.

I want to contact my bandleader and without getting into any details at all, I want to tell him I need to beg out and how does he want to handle it. If I know him, he will want to cut it off immediately. But who knows, maybe he will want some time to procure a replacement.

Any words of wisdom concerning leaving bands without burning bridges and hurting feelings shall be appreciated.
 
Speak your mind with respect and carry a box of matches.
 
Speaking my mind and showing respect...hard thing for me to pull off. I have not a lot of respect anymore, that's the problem.

I don't even want to go there, giving reasons. I just want to keep it business-like.

Here's what I'm doing. How do you want to do it?

So far that's all I have.
 
Just tell it like it is and go. Most musicians will take it all personal anyway and get huffy, so you might as well do it quickly, have a discussion and end it.
 
As long as you announce "This will be my last performance." to the band at your last gig you should be good.
 
The time has come for me to move on musically. Meaning I need to get away from the band I've been in for 8 years...to open me up to other possibilities. I already was offered a slot with an original blues band that I subbed for last year that I liked a lot. I'm rehearsing with them on Monday. Plus I got another offer to work out originals with another band I'm subbing for tomorrow. It's time for me to move on.

I'm getting suffocated with my current band. The tempos are Out. Of. Control. My band leader is too closed off to discuss this with. I tried. I've grown weary of him and my bass player who's brain is full of leaks.

I want to contact my bandleader and without getting into any details at all, I want to tell him I need to beg out and how does he want to handle it. If I know him, he will want to cut it off immediately. But who knows, maybe he will want some time to procure a replacement.

Any words of wisdom concerning leaving bands without burning bridges and hurting feelings shall be appreciated.




You need to tell them (how they suck) in a dignified way with ego, they'll respect you, as in a few years you might be playing with one/some of them again.

Just honestly tell them how they suck in a friendly, helpful way, the emotion you don't want to be holding is anger when you do this. They need motivation to get better, if anger isn't involved they're more likely to reflect on and use your opinions as motivation.

You already know what to say, just be sure you say it with the correct emotional charge.





As long as you announce "This will be my last performance." to the band at your last gig you should be good.

Best done 'after' the gig IME, and not onstage at the gig.
 
Be frank and avoid burning bridges if you can. On more than one occasion I've found myself playing in good situations with a former bandmember whom I played with in less than ideal conditions in different circumstances. Never know when paths might cross again.
 
The first rule of being a musician should be being good natured about when someone wants to leave the band.
 
I'm also in the camp of keeping it matter of fact if at all possible.

Inevitably, you're likely to be pressed as to why, like there's ever any one reason instead of a culmination of myriad factors. I generally try to reply with something vague-but-accurate, like "it's just not fun anymore," "my heart is no longer in it," "it's feeling increasingly like a chore/hard labor."

Nobody can argue your feelings, you aren't putting any blame on anybody, and you aren't going to be entering an ultimately fruitless and subjective argument about the perceived faults in somebody else's playing.
 
Approach cautiously like you're speaking to a Great White shark- calmly and naturally but don't inflame. As you've acknowledged don't burn bridges.
Rehearse a few lines just in case...



Hindsight is 20/20.
 
Your band leader if I recall was quite a 'taskmaster'?
Reason can be simple - been 8 years, want to do something else, good luck to you. You don't have to enter into details if you don't want.
You don't owe him anything , mind it you it might be nice to offer to do the next/last gig. I'm guessing he'll say don't bother.

good luck Larry. Will be exciting doing new things.
 
Like any other job, be polite, be honest, burn no bridges. Best wishes with the new groups.
 
Be up front and honest, but not in a way that will piss band members off, and burn bridges. If you're wanting something new musically let them know. You've been playing with them for 8 years, so I would think they are friends too.

Failing that, you could always fake your own death and create a new identity. It might require a new kit, because Yolanda is a little unique.
 
The last band I was in I came and went at least 3 times. I stuck with them on the road because it was steady work. When we came back to LA I wanted to play with some old friends and did that for a while. Then back on the road with the other guys again. Back and forth, but I stayed busy.

That said, It's probably in your best interest to leave on a good note. Ya never know what lays ahead.
 
As long as you announce "This will be my last performance." to the band at your last gig you should be good.

I feel duty-bound to give them the option of more time. If he wants me out immediately, that's fine, but I won't spring it on them like that.

You need to tell them (how they suck) in a dignified way with ego, they'll respect you, as in a few years you might be playing with one/some of them again.

Just honestly tell them how they suck in a friendly, helpful way, the emotion you don't want to be holding is anger when you do this. They need motivation to get better, if anger isn't involved they're more likely to reflect on and use your opinions as motivation.

You already know what to say, just be sure you say it with the correct emotional charge.

Best done 'after' the gig IME, and not onstage at the gig.

I would never tell them they suck, even if I felt they did. They don't suck. I am not agreeing with the majority of the tempos (much much too fast) and I'm really noticing how the feel has totally slipped away.


I'm also in the camp of keeping it matter of fact if at all possible.

Inevitably, you're likely to be pressed as to why, like there's ever any one reason instead of a culmination of myriad factors. I generally try to reply with something vague-but-accurate, like "it's just not fun anymore," "my heart is no longer in it," "it's feeling increasingly like a chore/hard labor."

Nobody can argue your feelings, you aren't putting any blame on anybody, and you aren't going to be entering an ultimately fruitless and subjective argument about the perceived faults in somebody else's playing.

I agree, business-like. However, I'm refusing outright to give any reason or try and justify myself. I don't need to justify myself to anyone.

Approach cautiously like you're speaking to a Great White shark- calmly and naturally but don't inflame. As you've acknowledged don't burn bridges.
Rehearse a few lines just in case...

Hindsight is 20/20.

Good advice. The less I say...the better off I'll be. If he presses me, I keep refusing to go there is my plan.

Your band leader if I recall was quite a 'taskmaster'?
Reason can be simple - been 8 years, want to do something else, good luck to you. You don't have to enter into details if you don't want.
You don't owe him anything , mind it you it might be nice to offer to do the next/last gig. I'm guessing he'll say don't bother.

good luck Larry. Will be exciting doing new things.

Yea, a taskmaster. He can dish it out but he can't take it. I can't do double standards or hypocrisy. I'll give my reasons here, but not to them. It's not fun anymore because the music is so fast. He always accuses me of dragging....I realized just the other day that it's the tempos I'm not digging, and my natural remedy is to gently reduce the speed.

The last band I was in I came and went at least 3 times. I stuck with them on the road because it was steady work. When we came back to LA I wanted to play with some old friends and did that for a while. Then back on the road with the other guys again. Back and forth, but I stayed busy.

That said, It's probably in your best interest to leave on a good note. Ya never know what lays ahead.

Yea, I don't want to be a dick at all. I didn't bite my tongue this whole time to ruin it now. That's a bridge burner, being dick-like. If I know him, he will be plenty dick-like for the both of us. I'm expecting for him to have the attitude where he will pretend that I don't matter to the band. Drummers are drummers. But the guy usually responds in a way that takes me by surprise, so we'll see. I'm expecting passive aggressive behavior.

I want them to look forward to my leaving lol. I'm just sticking with 1 sentence. Here's what I'm doing, how do you want to do it? I'll offer to stay till the end of September. I have to do this by email so I can say my piece the way I want to say it, short and to the point. I'm sure we will talk afterwards. But I'm not giving reasons. In a way, I'm looking forward to this. His karma sucks. It's really a dead end gig.
 
Don't really have any advise for you other than just end it quick. Will be interested to hear how it goes. Most times we don't really get fired we just don't get invited to the next gig.
 
I feel duty-bound to give them the option of more time. If he wants me out immediately, that's fine, but I won't spring it on them like that.



I would never tell them they suck, even if I felt they did. They don't suck. I am not agreeing with the majority of the tempos (much much too fast) and I'm really noticing how the feel has totally slipped away.




I agree, business-like. However, I'm refusing outright to give any reason or try and justify myself. I don't need to justify myself to anyone.



Good advice. The less I say...the better off I'll be. If he presses me, I keep refusing to go there is my plan.



Yea, a taskmaster. He can dish it out but he can't take it. I can't do double standards or hypocrisy. I'll give my reasons here, but not to them. It's not fun anymore because the music is so fast. He always accuses me of dragging....I realized just the other day that it's the tempos I'm not digging, and my natural remedy is to gently reduce the speed.



Yea, I don't want to be a dick at all. I didn't bite my tongue this whole time to ruin it now. That's a bridge burner, being dick-like. If I know him, he will be plenty dick-like for the both of us. I'm expecting for him to have the attitude where he will pretend that I don't matter to the band. Drummers are drummers. But the guy usually responds in a way that takes me by surprise, so we'll see. I'm expecting passive aggressive behavior.

I want them to look forward to my leaving lol. I'm just sticking with 1 sentence. Here's what I'm doing, how do you want to do it? I'll offer to stay till the end of September. I have to do this by email so I can say my piece the way I want to say it, short and to the point. I'm sure we will talk afterwards. But I'm not giving reasons. In a way, I'm looking forward to this. His karma sucks. It's really a dead end gig.

Larry after reading your retorts you got this. I’d just be friendly and tell the band the truth- “ you’ve enjoyed the ride but feel your music interest is changing and looking for something different. “ I’d do like you stated about when to exit. The truth will set you free but you don’t have to tell them everything. I’d keep it positive and friendly and honest- your ready for a change. They may get upset you’re leaving but not because you’re a dick- if you are even capable of being so silly man. You got it.
 
I'm just sticking with 1 sentence. Here's what I'm doing, how do you want to do it? I'll offer to stay till the end of September. I have to do this by email so I can say my piece the way I want to say it, short and to the point. I'm sure we will talk afterwards. But I'm not giving reasons.

That's exactly what you should do. You seem to be unhappy with what should be your happiest time. You don't play for the money. You play to enjoy yourself and make people dance from what I've seen. You deserve to be happy.
 
Larry, I'm saddened to hear this, but also pleased for you that you have new avenues to pursue.

As for the process of leaving, you'll find it'll all run to default mode at the time anyhow. Irrespective of what planned approach you cook up, you'll end up in the same place anyhow, the only difference being the attitude you go into it in the first place.

Just go the, "I've been thinking about this for some time, & I want to inform you at the earliest opportunity that I'm leaving the band, but happy to honour existing gig commitments until you find a replacement for me. The reasons for my decision are varied. It's not constructive for me to go into details, but I need to move on".

The rest will take it's natural course from there. Let the levels of Dickness be generated by others. Keep it clean, keep it pro.

I've gone through two band member removals in the last year. Both handled professionally (both internally & external optics). Neither was easy.

Good luck my friend.
 
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