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  #1  
Old 02-18-2010, 05:21 PM
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Default Other people stifling you

I was reading a thread about someone who wanted a drumset, but his wife basically wasn't going for it....Part of me just wanted to reach through the computer and shake this guy....Yes she's your wife...but cmon man...

I just dislike it when person A (who supposedly loves you) has veto power over person B.
In my opinion that's just wrong. I have a big problem when someone thinks they can tell me what I can and can't do. I say stand up and follow your heart, and don't allow your spirit to be stifled. In a nice respectful way of course, but bottom line is it's your decision not hers.
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Old 02-18-2010, 05:33 PM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

..

I'm happy to report that I dont know what that feels like.

I had a mom who supported all my weird & whacky ideas about anything and everything, AND handled my dad ( when he got growly & out of hand about me ), and I now have a wife who is quite simply very happy to see me happy, and kids who are thrilled and proud to have a dad who 'aint out of a cookie cutter.

...
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Old 02-18-2010, 06:01 PM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

Quote:
Originally Posted by larryace View Post
I was reading a thread about someone who wanted a drumset, but his wife basically wasn't going for it....Part of me just wanted to reach through the computer and shake this guy....Yes she's your wife...but cmon man...

I just dislike it when person A (who supposedly loves you) has veto power over person B.
In my opinion that's just wrong. I have a big problem when someone thinks they can tell me what I can and can't do. I say stand up and follow your heart, and don't allow your spirit to be stifled. In a nice respectful way of course, but bottom line is it's your decision not hers.
I agree with you Larry. When I was dating my now wife I was playing out almost every night. Before we got married I made it perfectly clear that playing in bands and playing drums is a big part of who I am, and that will never change. 17 years later and two kids I still play out and buy gear. The money I make from playing in bands is mine!! I have never got any grief from my wife about music, only support. My family is still the most important thing in my life. On the other side of the coin I respect what my wife likes to do and do not give her grief about it. Don't let anyone tell you what you can and can't do.
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  #4  
Old 02-18-2010, 06:11 PM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

That's one reason for my divorce. The sweet, loving, lovable woman I married in 1991, or so I thought, turned into the most controlling b*tch on the planet. If I was gone too long at the grocery store or running errands she began calling around trying to find me and why I was gone so long! The "spotlight", so to speak, always had to be on her or her family.

The only thing that came from that 11 year disaster was two beautiful daughters.
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  #5  
Old 02-18-2010, 06:12 PM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

Women rule the world. And why? Because men let women run over them over and over and over...

All you have to do is say "No. I am going to do X because it makes me happy and doesn't hurt us. If you don't like it, I can take care of myself".
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Old 02-18-2010, 06:30 PM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

There was a time where I had to quit it all for awhile to focus on raising a family and getting a career started. I just basically did not have the time or money to juggle it all. However, that was my decision and a good one for the time.
Now, that I am in a more comfortable place in life and back into it, my wife is totally supportive of what I do. I feel absolutely blessed by this because I can't tell you how many married band members that I have worked with that can't seem to make it to weekly practices or make enough of a committment to make things happen simply because their wives aren't secure enough.
Please don't get me wrong, I am not bashing women or wives (Polly, did you hear me? :). I'm sure that the reverse could be true as well. I would also suggest that the band members mentioned above could probably do a little more to to take care of things at home so that they could have more freedom to play.
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Old 02-18-2010, 06:40 PM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

Yes, women are important. But so are men. I have a hard time watching TV commercials that paints the man as a doormat, or kinda clueless. In think it's high time that men recognized this attitude and fight back whenever possible. Deep down women don't want their men to be doormats, yet they will wipe their feet on you every chance they get, IF YOU LET IT HAPPEN. I say be more aware, and DON'T LET IT HAPPEN! Gotta defend what's right.

I deeply love women, and it's a mans job to support protect and provide for our women, but to give up certain rights, just to avoid a confrontation, does more harm than good. The price paid is respect and dignity, something we should not forfeit. (steps down from soapbox)
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  #8  
Old 02-18-2010, 07:32 PM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

Too many people get married based on what they think their spouse should be, and not what they are.

And it works both ways.

I was fortunate to not have that issue with my wife.
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  #9  
Old 02-18-2010, 07:42 PM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

The main reason I got back into drumming 1.5 months ago (40yr hiatis) was because the ex is gone, biz is slow, I own my own place out in the country with only 1 very cool neighbor. Padded the "drum room" in the basement with carpet padding to help keep the sound down for the neighbors who are approx 160ft away. They say they can't hear me so I can bang away whenever I want and have plenty of free time. Don't have to worry about anybody or anything so it is the perfect time to put forth some EFFORT this time around.....NO excuses.....lol
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  #10  
Old 02-18-2010, 07:59 PM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

I have dealt with neighbours who didn't want me playing drums, period. That does not fly with me. But they were foreign, so they could explain they didn't want me drumming and get away with pretending not to understand me when I come up with realistic solutions.
I have one housemate who doesn't like my drumming, so I try to respect that. But living in the same house is a matter of giving and taking. When I really need to play drums, e.g. in order to prepare for a rehearsal or gig, I will lock my door and turn off my phone if I have to (happened only once). I sometimes remind him that my drumming is what brings part of the food on the table, and pays for my share of the gas/water/electricity/internet bill.

I have a girlfriend who really admires musicians, says she has no talent (she actually has singing talent, but just lacks the confidence to develop it). She is very supportive of my drumming, so I don't expect much trouble from her if we were to get married (chances are we will - just not yet).
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Old 02-18-2010, 08:31 PM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

I have to agree with you Larry, no one wife or girlfriend should keep you from following after your heart so long as it does not harm a relationship...if drumming were to bring an issue up in a relationship I would seriously question that person's issues! I too do not agree with anyone trying to control such trivial matters.
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  #12  
Old 02-18-2010, 09:06 PM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

Big Philly mentioned the noise situation...different discussion...you have to be respectful of others rights (just another problem to solve, how to practice without bothering anyone)

I'm talking permissions here.
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Old 02-18-2010, 09:14 PM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

Quote:
Originally Posted by larryace View Post
I was reading a thread about someone who wanted a drumset, but his wife basically wasn't going for it....Part of me just wanted to reach through the computer and shake this guy....Yes she's your wife...but cmon man...

I just dislike it when person A (who supposedly loves you) has veto power over person B.
In my opinion that's just wrong. I have a big problem when someone thinks they can tell me what I can and can't do. I say stand up and follow your heart, and don't allow your spirit to be stifled. In a nice respectful way of course, but bottom line is it's your decision not hers.
But I don't think you can really draw a good conclusion from a few sentences written by a stranger over the internet. If they share their finances, and their budget is tight, plunking down several hundred dollars for a new kit might really be a terrible decision. Furthermore, the partner may have been actively seeking other outlets for playing -- trying to find a friend or local school that would allow the person to play regularly for free or very little money. While I agree that a loving partner/friend/relative generally shouldn't be trying to stifle someone's passion, a specific action can only be judged in the broader context of the relationship. You can be supportive of someone's passion, but disagree with how they go about pursuing it. (Another example: a musician might be regularly missing their kids' important events/performances, etc. because of gigs. It could be perfectly reasonable for the musician's partner to ask him/her to cut back a bit on the gigging to take a more active role as a parent. Drumming is awesome, but it probably shouldn't always be priority #1.)

Secondly, I'm a bit confused and uncomfortable with the automatic assignment of the role of "nagging, unsupportive partner" to a female and "stifled spirit" to a male.
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Old 02-18-2010, 09:22 PM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

Cathartic you make good points. However...
I wasn't referring to this individual in particular, just in general, it does happen.
And because, in this case, there are far more male drummers than female drummers, the female is defaulted to the controlling role.
I agree that in other situations, men stifle women in far worse ways. The real focus of this thread is the controlling/allowing yourself to be controlled aspect, not the gender..
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  #15  
Old 02-18-2010, 09:38 PM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

Quote:
Originally Posted by larryace View Post
Cathartic you make good points. However...
I wasn't referring to this individual in particular, just in general, it does happen.
And because, in this case, there are far more male drummers than female drummers, the female is defaulted to the controlling role.
I agree that in other situations, men stifle women in far worse ways. The real focus of this thread is the controlling/allowing yourself to be controlled aspect, not the gender..
cathartic_j does indeed make some highly relevant points of matter, however I see exactly what Larry is pointing out and it is SO true that one should not allow themselves to be controlled by anyone thus stifling your desire to become a musician or better musician.
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  #16  
Old 02-18-2010, 10:15 PM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

Quote:
Originally Posted by larryace View Post
Cathartic you make good points. However...
I wasn't referring to this individual in particular, just in general, it does happen.
And because, in this case, there are far more male drummers than female drummers, the female is defaulted to the controlling role.
I agree that in other situations, men stifle women in far worse ways. The real focus of this thread is the controlling/allowing yourself to be controlled aspect, not the gender..
I know that your point was more general, but since you were using a specific incident as a jumping point, I just wanted to point out that context can be really important in these situations -- and we're generally only going to hear one side of the situation. (That's not directed at the specific situation you were referring to; I didn't read that thread, so I have even less information about that situation than you do.) Similarly, although I know that gender isn't intended to be the focus here, I felt like it should be pointed out that posts by multiple authors had automatically assigned females to the "stifling" role. I understand that the drumming community here and in general is predominantly male, but there's no reason to be assuming or assigning genders at all unless we're talking about a specific incident. (...which, as we agree, wasn't really the point of this thread.)

I do agree with you in your general point that if you're passionate about something, your loved ones should understand that it's a crucial part of who you are. They should (to a reasonable degree) be supportive of your pursuits. I just felt like discussion about that point could be done a bit more constructively.
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  #17  
Old 02-18-2010, 10:27 PM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

point taken
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  #18  
Old 02-18-2010, 10:30 PM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

what a moaners thread :)
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  #19  
Old 02-18-2010, 10:46 PM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

My wife actually got me back into playing again after a 10 year Haidas.

I studied music in college for fun knowing I wouldn't pursue it as a full time career. I'm 33 and have been playing since I was 8 years old. Music was and is my passion, but after college I focused on my professional career. Two years ago she convinced me to start playing again for myself. I set up the old exports and remembered how much I enjoyed playing. One thing lead to another and i'm hooked again. It's like i've got a crack addiction but for buying gear. One new set of heads led to some new cymbals. New cymbals lead to new pedals. New pedals led to a new kit. ETC, ETC....

Now I started playing with a group of people for the first time in 10 years and i'm as giddy as a little kid at Christmas. This I had to do "To justify the amount of money i've spent on drum stuff in the last 2 years!" Her words! I love her for this. She has always been supportive of me and my playing, and she always loved watching me play out.

So know i'm playing with people and of course I had to buy mics for my kit and my own monitor. She said to me the other day when my mics arrived, "you have mics for a band your in that doesn't have a name and you haven't played a gig yet." She was just joking around because she knows that we will be playing out soon.

So I guess I'm one of the lucky ones, like many other here on DW, with a loving wife that encourages me to play everyday. Minus my ebay addiction of course.

Robert
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Old 02-18-2010, 11:02 PM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

Here's to all the supportive significant others!
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  #21  
Old 02-19-2010, 12:02 AM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

Reminds me of my first girlfriend. She was very pretty, and was good with getting what she wanted. I would practice some drums, and she would just bust in and sit there staring angrily at me until I stopped playing. She then wanted me to do stuff for her, or buy stuff for her. She was constantly craving attention.

After awhile I got so pissed that I just broke up with her. She got very angry and threatened with suicide if I left her(she was the kind of type to break up with you instead of visa versa). It all turned ugly because she actually tried to off herself, so I could take the blame for it. She survived though, and is still going through men at a fast rate.

It may have turned me into a cynical bastard, but atleast I know that I should not buckle under someone elses opinions. Especially drumming which means so much to me.
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  #22  
Old 02-19-2010, 01:01 AM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

Thaard are you sure she didn't try to off herself after listening to one of your covers?

Geez man I'm just kidding!

You made it way too easy, I had to take it.
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  #23  
Old 02-19-2010, 01:18 AM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

I've never had a girlfriend (I'm only 17, so little on the young side for marriage) that disapproved of me playing bass, drums, or anything. If they did, I'd tell them where to shove it.

I buy my own drum gear, I don't borrow money for it. If she's allowed shoes and handbags, I'm allowed pedals to put my shoes on and bags to put my drums in. :D Anyway, would they rather you be out sleeping with another person instead? The way some wives seem to react is drumming is worse than adultery.

I tell people if I date them, that's part of who I am, it's part of what I do. If they don't like it, then that's fine. I have no time for them especially if they try to stop me doing something I personally love. (I may be bad at it, but that's for another thread :D)
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  #24  
Old 02-19-2010, 01:21 AM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

Tell me about Larry! My wife hates my drumming. She says that I'm being childish. She hasn't spoken to me in years except for when she puts me down. The great thing is that I don't care! I have all of my musician friends and fans. My life is complete!
If she wants to serve me papers then so be it. If she does this, she will have to buy me out of our real estate assets and pay me alimony!
Our kids have grown (They are out in the world on their own) and I am in the Catbird seat. I am just waiting for the day to come.
I love being me right now.
When we first were married I stopped playing for many years. My wife was always jealous of any activities that I had that didn't concern her. I did my job. I helped raise two kids. I remodeled three houses including a vacation home that I no longer care to go to. They tell me it's nice LOL!
I started playing again four years ago and I have never looked back. Good Show, Bad Show, I don't care! I have fun. Money can't buy fun! I know, Many exclamation marks!!!!!!!!
Now you know why.
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  #25  
Old 02-19-2010, 04:19 AM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

It depends maybe if there is a financial problem with the family.
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  #26  
Old 02-19-2010, 06:07 AM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thaard View Post
Reminds me of my first girlfriend. She was very pretty, and was good with getting what she wanted. I would practice some drums, and she would just bust in and sit there staring angrily at me until I stopped playing. She then wanted me to do stuff for her, or buy stuff for her. She was constantly craving attention.

After awhile I got so pissed that I just broke up with her. She got very angry and threatened with suicide if I left her(she was the kind of type to break up with you instead of visa versa). It all turned ugly because she actually tried to off herself, so I could take the blame for it. She survived though, and is still going through men at a fast rate.

It may have turned me into a cynical bastard, but atleast I know that I should not buckle under someone elses opinions. Especially drumming which means so much to me.
Reminds me of a girlfriend I had years ago that I used to take along fishing. She'd sit on a rock while I was out in the river making casts and all of a sudden I'd hear "BORING!!!" come out of her sweet (not) mouth. WTF??? She was also one that after a year of me putting up with her jealousies and insecurities threatened to commit suicide after I decided to leave her. I got sucked into another year of hell with that and finally got out of that situation.

You guys are very fortunate that have understanding spouses or girlfriends. I certainly know they are out there and are worth their weight in gold and a lot more. As Larry has mentioned, that is what a good relationship is all about.

Fishnmusicn
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  #27  
Old 02-19-2010, 06:10 AM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

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Originally Posted by larryace View Post
Thaard are you sure she didn't try to off herself after listening to one of your covers?

Geez man I'm just kidding!

You made it way too easy, I had to take it.
Ha ha that was a good one. Just chuckling at the setup Thaardman, keep on posting those covers!

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  #28  
Old 02-19-2010, 06:44 AM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

Yea I couldn't stop myself....Thaard I owe you a brewski
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  #29  
Old 02-19-2010, 07:29 AM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

Quote:
Originally Posted by larryace View Post
Cathartic you make good points. However...
I wasn't referring to this individual in particular, just in general, it does happen.
And because, in this case, there are far more male drummers than female drummers, the female is defaulted to the controlling role.
I agree that in other situations, men stifle women in far worse ways. The real focus of this thread is the controlling/allowing yourself to be controlled aspect, not the gender..
Which in a way, is stifling in itself. I worked for years in drum shops, and I used to hear over and over again from women they wanted to try the drums, but their parents/friends/whomever always said drumming isn't something girls do. The social pressure on females to not be drummers is rather immense.

I once knew a talented local female drummer, and she told me she felt the pressure on here was intense from other females, because if she wasn't perfect, it would perpetuate the stereotype that females can't be drummers.

Anyhow, I suppose that's getting a bit off topic.

Back to topic:

When I was first selling drums, more times than not a guy would pick out the perfect cymbal, and then not buy it, claiming he had to go ask his wife. It became pretty apparent, this wasn't true, it was just a cop out to avoid being committed to buying that day (or go shop the price at another store, as this was way before the internet). So after I a while, I'd ask "oh, does your wife plays drums too? How cool.." just to see their faces. hahaha....
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Old 02-19-2010, 07:33 AM
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Originally Posted by DrumEatDrum View Post
It became pretty apparent, this wasn't true, it was just a cop out to avoid being committed to buying that day (or go shop the price at another store, as this was way before the internet). So after I a while, I'd ask "oh, does your wife plays drums too? How cool.." just to see their faces. hahaha....
Awesome!! I would have loved to have seen their faces too.
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  #31  
Old 02-19-2010, 07:59 AM
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...more times than not a guy would pick out the perfect cymbal, and then not buy it, claiming he had to go ask his wife.
I used this line just last week. It was an Istanbul Traditional Medium Thin 18" Crash. Since my wife is also the treasurer of the family, I needed to run it by her so see if the funds were available. She said that I could buy it if I really wanted to (and I really did!) but that it might jeopardize, or push back the date when I could order my new 24" kick, which I've been saving for.

I know that cymbal is going to get snatched up by someone soon enough, and I'm not real happy about it, but whaddaya gonna do??
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Old 02-19-2010, 08:51 AM
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Which in a way, is stifling in itself. I worked for years in drum shops, and I used to hear over and over again from women they wanted to try the drums, but their parents/friends/whomever always said drumming isn't something girls do. The social pressure on females to not be drummers is rather immense.
Yes, it's there. I have spoken to a number of women who have said after a gig, "Oh, I wish I played the drums" but when I suggest they just go and do it the most common reply is, "But I caaan't".

To hell with sugar and spice, I say! And with shoes shaped like torpedoes (or other weapons) and heels designed to make you walk on your tip toes, and to clothes that feel like a straitjacket. And to hell with trying to control, or kowtow to, men. I control no one and no one controls me.

Needless to say I'm divorced and live alone lol
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Old 02-19-2010, 09:35 AM
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Originally Posted by bobdadruma View Post
Tell me about Larry! My wife hates my drumming. She says that I'm being childish. She hasn't spoken to me in years except for when she puts me down. The great thing is that I don't care! I have all of my musician friends and fans. My life is complete!
If she wants to serve me papers then so be it. If she does this, she will have to buy me out of our real estate assets and pay me alimony!
Our kids have grown (They are out in the world on their own) and I am in the Catbird seat. I am just waiting for the day to come.
I love being me right now.
When we first were married I stopped playing for many years. My wife was always jealous of any activities that I had that didn't concern her. I did my job. I helped raise two kids. I remodeled three houses including a vacation home that I no longer care to go to. They tell me it's nice LOL!
I started playing again four years ago and I have never looked back. Good Show, Bad Show, I don't care! I have fun. Money can't buy fun! I know, Many exclamation marks!!!!!!!!
Now you know why.
Bob, we have more in common than I thought. My wife quite likes drumming, but carries similar resentment. I do love her very much though. I had a 22 year gap & started over 3 years ago. I'm with you bud.
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  #34  
Old 02-19-2010, 10:07 AM
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Thaard Thaard is offline
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

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Originally Posted by larryace View Post
Thaard are you sure she didn't try to off herself after listening to one of your covers?

Geez man I'm just kidding!

You made it way too easy, I had to take it.
Haha! If I'd been covering trance and dance tunes, then maybe. That was what she liked.
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  #35  
Old 02-19-2010, 10:52 AM
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

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Originally Posted by Pollyanna View Post
Yes, it's there. I have spoken to a number of women who have said after a gig, "Oh, I wish I played the drums" but when I suggest they just go and do it the most common reply is, "But I caaan't".

To hell with sugar and spice, I say! And with shoes shaped like torpedoes (or other weapons) and heels designed to make you walk on your tip toes, and to clothes that feel like a straitjacket. And to hell with trying to control, or kowtow to, men. I control no one and no one controls me.

Needless to say I'm divorced and live alone lol
Wish my wife was a drummer girl Pol & agreed on the pander to men's desires type clothing. I don't like the "put it all on show" thing. The most attractive women in my life are jeans, pullover & flats girls. I like a bit of mystique, anyhow, all clothes look the same in a pile on the bedroom floor!
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  #36  
Old 02-19-2010, 11:12 AM
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Pollyanna Pollyanna is offline
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

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Originally Posted by keep it simple View Post
Wish my wife was a drummer girl Pol
Are you sure, KIS?

"Hey! Where'd you put my sticks!"
"They're in the stick bag behind your kick drum case ... where you left them!"

:)
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  #37  
Old 02-19-2010, 11:15 AM
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keep it simple keep it simple is offline
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

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Originally Posted by Pollyanna View Post
Are you sure, KIS?

"Hey! Where'd you put my sticks!"
"They're in the stick bag behind your kick drum case ... where you left them!"

:)
Absolutely! Pollyrythems have many applications.
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  #38  
Old 02-19-2010, 06:14 PM
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DrumEatDrum DrumEatDrum is offline
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Default Re: Other people stifling you

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Originally Posted by Pollyanna View Post
Are you sure, KIS?

"Hey! Where'd you put my sticks!"
"They're in the stick bag behind your kick drum case ... where you left them!"

:)
ROTFL....

That would be my house if my wife were a drummer too.
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