Moral Dilemma: What would you do?

caddywumpus

Archnemesis of Larryace
Hello DW family, I have a bit of a situation in my life right now, and would like some input. I'll sum up the story as quickly as I can:

A few months back, an acquaintance of mine moved out of town, and had to give up a gig of his in town. He referred me for the gig, I took it on, and have been doing it for the past couple of months. It's a great gig, and I even quit another band I was in to make room for it in my schedule, and also decided to not sign up with a holiday gigging group I've been involved with for the past 7 years. Anyways...he called me up last night and told me he was moving back into town and asked if he could have his gig back. I won't tell you what the pros and cons that immediately went through my head were, but I'm wondering what the fine folks here at DW would do...would you give back the gig or keep it?
 
acquaintance or good friend? Did they inform you they'd be back and wanting it when they would be in a few months? Do they know you quit another band?

If it was me and I was not told it would be temporary I'd say no.
 
Sorry, save your "Mortal Dilemma" for something truly "Mortal".
 
First rule of both life and drumming is this,
"You Can't Go Home"
Meaning,
If you give up a gig then it is lost.

Going back never works anyway. I have gone back to a few bands because they asked me to come back.
I never stayed.
After I returned, I realized that I left for a reason the first time.

If your friend comes back he won't stay.
He will use it as a temp gig and he will leave again.

Tell him No in a nice way if you really want the gig.
 
Hello DW family, I have a bit of a situation in my life right now, and would like some input. I'll sum up the story as quickly as I can:

A few months back, an acquaintance of mine moved out of town, and had to give up a gig of his in town. He referred me for the gig, I took it on, and have been doing it for the past couple of months. It's a great gig, and I even quit another band I was in to make room for it in my schedule, and also decided to not sign up with a holiday gigging group I've been involved with for the past 7 years. Anyways...he called me up last night and told me he was moving back into town and asked if he could have his gig back. I won't tell you what the pros and cons that immediately went through my head were, but I'm wondering what the fine folks here at DW would do...would you give back the gig or keep it?

CW, What would you do if you were returning, would you even ask for the gig back?

Seems an odd expectation that you would "hold" the spot until he got back. Very interested in hearing how it turns out.

Good luck, on a positive note, only somebody with class would even worry about it. A good problem to have, I suspect.
 
Sorry, save your "Mortal Dilemma" for something truly "Mortal".

What does he do with a "moral" dimemma though?......and what did you do with your reading glasses? :)

acquaintance or good friend? Did they inform you they'd be back and wanting it when they would be in a few months? Do they know you quit another band?

If it was me and I was not told it would be temporary I'd say no.

This sums up my thoughts I think. Much of what I did would be directly related to how good a mate he is. You've given up a fair bit to do the gig and if he never told you he may want it back, I think it's a little unreasonable to ask you for it.

Whatever the outcome, you shouldn't feel a single ounce of guilt if you say no, mate.
 
.

Good luck, on a positive note, only somebody with class would even worry about it. A good problem to have, I suspect.

That is my thought too.

Instinct say it's yours, not his, too bad for him. But I also know in my heart, I would have a hard time saying that.

Have you discussed this with the band leader? It seems the decision is not 100% between you and him.
 
I'm with Bob as well. You can't go home. I even left a good gig and let somebody else have it, then I wanted it back, and when I actually 'subbed' in it a couple of times, I found it frustrating. Like I went out somewhere and bettered myself, and then came back to....this?

Your buddy doesn't really want the gig back, he'll discover the same thing we all discovered, that you can't go home, and then he'll split. Be nice and tell him no.
 
...

I don't see your moral dilemma. If anything, he should be having one. Tell him you've rearranged your entire life to work around this gig since he's been gone. Tell him you've quit a lot of work so you can do this gig. If he still wants it back, he was a pretty lousy 'aqaintance' to begin with.
 
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If anything, he should be having one, once you tell him you've rearranged your life to work around this gig since he's been gone. Tell him you've quit a lot of work so you can work this gig.

That's what I was thinking - let him know that to quit the gig would send you backwards.

The music biz is weird ... it's a job and people's livelihoods depend on it but in some circles there's this mateship thing going on where people gloss over the fact that being a pro musician is a job.

So these situations crop up. Putting on your professional hat when someone you know approaches you on a mateship basis is considered bad form - uncool. Oddly, trying to con someone out of their professional benefits with a manipulative appeal to mateship seems to be judged less harshly ... hey, it might be dodgy but at least it's not stodgy. Right? Rock musos are not allowed to be stodgy unless their name is Robert Fripp.

If there's no pre-arrangement, his request is outrageous and he's relying on your good nature and wish to retain good relations (while playing fast and loose with his relationship with you). If you watch The Big Bang Theory, it's a bit like Sheldon invoking the Friendship Clause of the Roommate Agreement. The unwritten Muso Solidarity Agreement.

Maybe he you could get him to ask your wife if he can have the gig back and he can suggest to her which items your children should do without since you'll have less cash? *evil grin*
 
Pretty clear Caddy. Agree with all advice thus far. It's his issue, not yours, & the new band has a stake in this too. To clarify your position, I suggest having a chat with your new band first. Tell them the situation, & ask them honestly, if given the choice, who would they prefer to have. That's a difficult question for them to answer, so you should be able to get quite a bit of info from their reaction. Use that as your baseline, & take it from there. Good luck!
 
CW, What would you do if you were returning, would you even ask for the gig back?

Seems an odd expectation that you would "hold" the spot until he got back. Very interested in hearing how it turns out.

acquaintance or good friend? Did they inform you they'd be back and wanting it when they would be in a few months? Do they know you quit another band?

If it was me and I was not told it would be temporary I'd say no.

He moved to the new city with his wife and kid. He came back after about 4 months because his wife didn't like it there, and she wanted to move back. He was fully intending on going there for the long haul, and never expected to be coming back, especially so soon. So, no, he didn't give the gig to me with a rubber band attached. And, if I were to be in his same situation, I would probably ask as well, in the off chance that the new player isn't liking the group or whatever.

Instinct say it's yours, not his, too bad for him. But I also know in my heart, I would have a hard time saying that.

Have you discussed this with the band leader? It seems the decision is not 100% between you and him.

It sounds like you understand my "tug". He's not a close friend, but we've been buddies since college. We call each other maybe once a year, and it's always good to hear from each other, and so on. He's definitely somebody I respect and care about, and asking for the gig back shows that he really liked the group. He actually called the band leader right before calling me, and the band leader told him to work it out between the two of us. Solid leading there.

Pretty clear Caddy. Agree with all advice thus far. It's his issue, not yours, & the new band has a stake in this too. To clarify your position, I suggest having a chat with your new band first. Tell them the situation, & ask them honestly, if given the choice, who would they prefer to have. That's a difficult question for them to answer, so you should be able to get quite a bit of info from their reaction. Use that as your baseline, & take it from there. Good luck!

The band went out to a pub and had a "business discussion" about it. They like us both, and they agree that the situation is awkward. I was watching for their "micro expressions" as we talked, and they seemed legit. We had a pretty intense talk for a bit. I told them that if they had any preference of him over me, that now's their chance to speak up, and I wouldn't hold it against anyone, but I would seriously like to know as it would probably help influence my decision. I got a couple of "we actually like you better"s from that talk. I think the decision is pretty clear cut, true, and 100% of the people I've talked with have agreed. I just feel conflicted about saying no, like I'm being a tool or something. I dunno. I guess it's the "people pleaser" in me.

Thanks for the replies. I'll keep you updated as things progress...
 
I'd ask the band to decide. Ask them who they prefer playing with. It'll take it out of your hands, but of course, there is always the risk you'll lose the gig if they prefer the other guy, which bites. idk, this situation sucks man, sorry
 
Given all the info "thus far", I'd say keep the gig.​
If it was a cat I saw, say, one a week ... once a month ... different call, then .... but some guy you see "once a year", no ... he walked ... and he, and only he, is responsible for his actions.​
You picked up the ball, it's your game now. If he has "any" resentment towards you, for that ... then he's "less" a friend than you think he is ....​
 
It sounds like you've approached it in the most honest and respectful of ways. That is an awkward situation to be sure. I guess you just have to weigh how difficult it would be to pick up all the ground you lost against your desire to stay where you're at and your more "humane" instincts toward him.

But I don't think it's necessarily taking the high road giving the guy his former gig back. He relinquished his spot in moving so that's entirely his cross to bear. He would also have no reason to hold it against you should you not hand it back, but I would think you would be entirely justified in harboring at least some resentment toward him for putting you in this situation, regardless of what decision you make.

Actually, now that I think about it, it seems like it was bad form for him to approach the band leader before calling you. That's a bit of an undermining move if you ask me. He should have called you and suggested that if you weren't happy with the gig for whatever reason, that he'd be happy to retake it without ever asking for you to step aside. And once he learned that you liked the gig, he should have pursued it no furthher - no subtle pressure on you, and definitely no calls to plant seeds with the band leader. That just smacks of lameness to me.
 
The guy really put you on the spot. I think that violates some unwritten rule somewhere. I think you are well within your rights to point this out. He left, he gave you the gig, it was supposed to be permanent, you've made changes to accomodate the gig, and now he wants to pull this? I'm calling foul, you just don't do that. I think it would be an easy case to "win" because he is breaking the "rules".

I'd keep the gig on principle, plus you won't feel good about yourself if you give it up.

But, since no one has suggested this...

What about sharing the gig?
 
Quite frankly, friend or not, he's an ass. He's put you in a very uncomfortable position. If it was me, 'i'd say NO!

Do you think he'll try to weasel back in the band by talking to the other members behind your back? How do you think the other members feel about having him back?

Better strap on a parachute just in case.
 
The guy really put you on the spot. I think that violates some unwritten rule somewhere?

Agree with Larry and Muckster. The more I think about it the more he comes off as a total ass for asking you for the gig back.. sheesh, such a thing I nevah' hoid.

( Its like giving your friend a stick of chewing gum, and then asking for it back while he's chewing it. )


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