delete

The essay clearly show that you like the drums a lot. One thing that would strengthen your writing would be to try to eliminate as many cliches as possible. These are the "poetic" phrases that get used and over-used. They make the paper less effective.

You might want to take a more concrete approach. Think about what the drums add to your lifestyle, personality, etc.

Also be careful with your words and their connotations. Some of the way you said things had a lustful air to it, which may not be appropriate for this assignment, unless you were going for an erotic mood.
 
If I were you, I would go by the way my English teacher made us write.

Thesis

Reason 1.

Reason 2

Reason 3

Conclusion

A paragraph for each reason. You would most likely score a higher grade.
 
It's essay time! Enjoy...

I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm not sure what you've written qualifies as an 'essay'. I think Funnyman has described a great way of writing an essay. Exposition, theory, recapitulation - a bit like sonata form.

Maybe I come across as a little harsh. Apologies, I've had several cups of very, very strong coffee.
 

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Enjoyed the read, however, if this is a rough draft, let me just point out that it's kinda hard to have both drumsets on the "left." :) Dang typos, I have them all the time too.
 
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