Problem with Drum Student

Lots of great opinions and suggestion here. Thank you all.

Many of the things that were brought up are things I've tried with this student. Tried to figure out what kind of music she likes, focus less on the formal education aspects, and get into jamming to songs. Once I asked her find a song she likes and jam along to it, and she won't. She just doesn't care.

I have a reputation for being kind of a hard ass "Professor Snape" teacher. I've deliberately tried to dial that back with this kid. I could see early on that pushing hard wasn't going to deliver the desired results that I get with most others. So my approach has been to try and be a friendly face you get to hang with for an hour each week.

This past lesson rolled out like this:

Me: "Hey! How are you today?"

Student: (flat, mono-tone response) "Gooood"

Me: "Do anything fun over the weekend?"

Student: "We went to see Avengers"

Me: "Cool! Met too! What did you think?"

Student: "It sucked."

Me: (confused) "Uh, you didn't like it?"

Student: "It was long and boring."

Me: "Have you seen any of the other Marvel movies?"

Student: "Yeah, most of them all suck."

Me: "Uh, well I asked if you did anything fun...? Why did you go see a movie you knew you wouldn't like?"

Student: (no reply, dead blank look)

Me: (Trying to get her to laugh) "Is seeing crappy movies fun for you?"

Student: (shrugs, no smile, no laugh, just a dead blank look)

Me: "Well, comic book movies aren't for everyone. Sorry you didn't have a good time."
 
That sounds like the standard tween girl to me though.
 
Uggh... I couldn't imagine that conversation. I had a few young students that WOULD NOT practice. Their parents didn't care, they didn't care. I'd try, and we would go threw the motions at lessons, but after weeks we were working on the same stuff. I would TRY and TRY, but I always told them to be honest because I wouldn't be mad, I'd just know if we need to move on, or what was happening. They would usually say no, and I'd try and work on a different song or approach,tried games, and everything. They would have fun in the lesson, and they were pleasant, but with no home structure the parents were just using me for an hour of babysitting i think.

I actually got threw to a few of them and they started trying, and did improve, but it took a while. I really had to dig and find out what they were into and do my OWN research on "young kid stuff" to connect.

That child sounds like it is a challenge. At some point you could speak to the parent and say there may be another teacher more suitable as you just are not connecting on a teacher student level and maybe someone with a different approach would be better.

I say this for 2 reasons.
1.. It gets her off your back as it sounds like you have given it your all and it isn't going to happen possibly.
2. I have given up a couple students after a few years of lessons when I started teaching that would practice for hours and hours a day. It came to the point that they were so good I could give them exercises, and still teach them things, but at this point they were very good drummers,they were in bands, and although this made me proud, but I knew that they would benefit from going to the next level. I had to take my pride out of it and give them a recommendation of someone I looked up to myself. What I was getting at there is no shame in declining, or passing on a student to an instructor more suitable.

Now I have other teachers send me the odd person looking for specific skills I have that they don't. It would still be the same if I was teaching someone for a few years and their goals were to become a jazz pro. I would talk to my jazz drummer friends who are great teachers. i can play it, I can teach it, but only so far.

I have seen your stuff and skill isn't your issue, but the stress isn't worth it. As long as you know you gave it your all, that conversation to me says she doesn't want to learn at this point in time or be there. Maybe in a few years things will change.
 
Lots of great opinions and suggestion here. Thank you all.

Many of the things that were brought up are things I've tried with this student. Tried to figure out what kind of music she likes, focus less on the formal education aspects, and get into jamming to songs. Once I asked her find a song she likes and jam along to it, and she won't. She just doesn't care.

I have a reputation for being kind of a hard ass "Professor Snape" teacher. I've deliberately tried to dial that back with this kid. I could see early on that pushing hard wasn't going to deliver the desired results that I get with most others. So my approach has been to try and be a friendly face you get to hang with for an hour each week.

This past lesson rolled out like this:

Me: "Hey! How are you today?"

Student: (flat, mono-tone response) "Gooood"

Me: "Do anything fun over the weekend?"

Student: "We went to see Avengers"

Me: "Cool! Met too! What did you think?"

Student: "It sucked."

Me: (confused) "Uh, you didn't like it?"

Student: "It was long and boring."

Me: "Have you seen any of the other Marvel movies?"

Student: "Yeah, most of them all suck."

Me: "Uh, well I asked if you did anything fun...? Why did you go see a movie you knew you wouldn't like?"

Student: (no reply, dead blank look)

Me: (Trying to get her to laugh) "Is seeing crappy movies fun for you?"

Student: (shrugs, no smile, no laugh, just a dead blank look)

Me: "Well, comic book movies aren't for everyone. Sorry you didn't have a good time."

Looking at that exchange sounds like you lost her on that question in bold above, which is going on the attack on her somewhat. Could you have asked her what films she does like instead? Might have had different results. She was responding to you before that point, even if negatively.

Regardless, sounds like she's not giving you much to work with and I sympathise but ask more questions about what she likes and try not to challenge her.

Like others have said you need to try and find a mutual ground to improve the environment.
 
Looking at that exchange sounds like you lost her on that question in bold above, which is going on the attack on her somewhat. Could you have asked her what films she does like instead? Might have had different results. She was responding to you before that point, even if negatively.

Regardless, sounds like she's not giving you much to work with and I sympathise but ask more questions about what she likes and try not to challenge her.

Like others have said you need to try and find a mutual ground to improve the environment.

I've been digging for that mutual ground for months and can't seem to come up with it. Once at the start of a lesson I said "Hey, what's new?!?" and her reply was "What do you mean by that?"
 
..Once at the start of a lesson I said "Hey, what's new?!?" and her reply was "What do you mean by that?"..


To be honest, that would also be my reply but maybe thats because i am not a native american..

I am going to say something very weird now maybe, but, if literally everything has been tried, then, could there maybe also be an option that this girl is just really hating to play drums..?

And then to keep trying to give her the feeling that she almost is mandatory to like playing drums, is maybe just as bad as her father that forces her to play..I would say, respect the girls opinion also a little at one moment and bring her back to her family and let them solve things how they wish to solve them..
 
I didn't read all of the other responses, so someone might have covered this, but I would just say keep trying different things, and try to stay on her good side. If she really hates music and resents her Dad for forcing her into it then you don't want to be another person that is pressing her too hard and making her hate music even more.

It also sounds like she's telling you what she hates, so maybe try to find something that she likes, even if it's not directly related to music and see if you can find some roundabout what of relating it. I once had a student who was hating lessons (and was not shy about telling me so), so I asked him what he did like. He said he liked to play video games. After I found out what games he liked I went home and transcribed some of the music and brought in a simplified version for him to play. Full disclosure, he was still a dick, but it did pique his interest for a bit and got him to actually sit behind the kit and try some things.
 
I've been digging for that mutual ground for months and can't seem to come up with it. Once at the start of a lesson I said "Hey, what's new?!?" and her reply was "What do you mean by that?"

Then ask her dad what she likes. If he’s too clueless to know, ask her mom. Somebody in the family can clue you in.
 
Lots of good advice...agree, this is a father-daughter issue and a father that is shaming his daughter.

As a former school teacher...if she is 10 she is in 4th grade, my old grade, I would confront he father and risk losing his business for the welfare of the child. I would imagine the other kids are not happy either--dad is a bully and is blind to his passion. He doesn't know it, and rationalizes his behavior for the family good.

"Mr. ______, I know you love your family and daughter. Great respect for what you are doing as a family but here is what I see each, a sad and unhappy child. I will tell you I had regrets telling you this because I was fearful you would jump on her all the more. That in itself is a concern. I can no longer instruct her anymore. Sorry. It violates me conscience."

As a school teacher, I could not say this, but got close to the edge. Some parents need this confrontation. Some men need another alpha personality to give feedback.
 
Unfortunately, the parents needing that confrontation won't perceive it as constructive or as a wake-up.
 
All this is pure conjecture.

From what info I have...she obviously doesn't want to be in the family band. Maybe she absolutely hates her sister who gets a bunch of attention, and doesn't even want to compete with that situation. She needs her own space, away from music, is my guess. She sounds like maybe she's the black sheep of the family. It's my guess that she has hate for everything musical....right now at least....so to herself, she is justified inside with her stonewalling demeanor. Any attempt to try and crack her just further aggravates her. Again, I'm guessing.

And since I'm just spitballing here, I'd say that the likely best case scenario, even if a teacher really tries, best case scenario is in the future, she will look back and realize the teacher tried.

It seems like to me, trying to teach this girl drums is like trying to get someone to eat a food that absolutely disgusts them.

If you crack this girl, my hat goes off to you.
 
..It seems like to me, trying to teach this girl drums is like trying to get someone to eat a food that absolutely disgusts them..


Thats exactly what i meant with my previous post..

Personally i hate eating fish..

Now, imagine that we are here on a fish-forum and a cook has a problem with a family's daughter because he has to cook for the family's Christmas dinner and for the daughter is only fish left and she hates fish..And the parents insist that this will be the dinner, no matter what..Now, what now..?

I tell you, if i would be that daugher, then you can spend a few months on me to try to learn me how to appreciate the taste of fish or tell me that i have to imagine that the fish is a hamburger or to first play games with me and after that start again about fish, not mattering..I will still hate fish, simple as that..

Now, look back this thread and replace every 'playing drums' by 'eating fish'..

I mean, we are here on a drummers-forum and for all of us is maybe very difficult to accept or imagine that there are people on this planet that just not like to play drums in a serious way..But trust me people, those people exist..And i will tell you another secret, they are with more than us..lol..
 
All this is pure conjecture.

From what info I have...she obviously doesn't want to be in the family band. Maybe she absolutely hates her sister who gets a bunch of attention, and doesn't even want to compete with that situation. She needs her own space, away from music, is my guess. She sounds like maybe she's the black sheep of the family. It's my guess that she has hate for everything musical....right now at least....so to herself, she is justified inside with her stonewalling demeanor. Any attempt to try and crack her just further aggravates her. Again, I'm guessing.

And since I'm just spitballing here, I'd say that the likely best case scenario, even if a teacher really tries, best case scenario is in the future, she will look back and realize the teacher tried.

It seems like to me, trying to teach this girl drums is like trying to get someone to eat a food that absolutely disgusts them.

If you crack this girl, my hat goes off to you.

Larry puts into words what I could not:

Everyone needs their own space. That's what I was trying to write when I referred to a person's individuality, even a child has that.

Many people are not comfortable when others try to herd them into a group thing that doesn't address their individual needs. This can make them act very withdrawn when really they should be using that energy positively to do something that will allow them to flourish.
 
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