I'm torn.

Mikebike88

Mikebike88

Member
I'm in a situation right now that has been eating at me for quite some time now. I joined a second full-time band last fall, going from Rock music to Metal. It turns out that I like the newer band much much more. The response to this second band in just a few shows has already outdone what the response has been for dozens of shows in the last 3 years with my first band. Friends and family actually care to SHOW UP when the second band plays. And also, a lot of good local acts contact US to play shows with them, etc. I am starting to lose the love of playing Rock music which makes me upset. Not only that but two bands is really constricting my time and I find myself hardly ever being able to do things like spend time with my family, go to the gym, or even just to practice drums!

My problem is, is that I know in my heart that I am going to have to leave this first band. It's just not in me any more...the worst part is that as far as band members go, we are ALL the best of friends, and spend lots of time together outside of music. We have been through quite a few lineup changes in the singer position, and I think my leaving would be the last straw and ultimately dismember the band. I have been thinking about it a lot, and I came up with the idea of just being straight with the guys and tell them my situation, and offer to stay with them until they can find a good replacement. I wouldn't want to leave these guys high and dry because that's "just not cool".

My goal here is to depart, without burning and bridges. Has anybody been in a similar situation? If so, how did you handle it and how did it work out for you in the end? I appreciate your time
 
Hey mate i used to be in a band with all my mates from school. I ended up being kicked out but we're still good friends. I wondered whether they'd still be able to keep it together if i left and they did. So yeah it's entirely possible to leave your band without burning any bridges as you say. Just tell them how you feel, if they really are your best friends they'll understand.
 
Mikebike88 said:
I'm in a situation right now that has been eating at me for quite some time now. I joined a second full-time band last fall, going from Rock music to Metal. It turns out that I like the newer band much much more. The response to this second band in just a few shows has already outdone what the response has been for dozens of shows in the last 3 years with my first band. Friends and family actually care to SHOW UP when the second band plays. And also, a lot of good local acts contact US to play shows with them, etc. I am starting to lose the love of playing Rock music which makes me upset. Not only that but two bands is really constricting my time and I find myself hardly ever being able to do things like spend time with my family, go to the gym, or even just to practice drums!

My problem is, is that I know in my heart that I am going to have to leave this first band. It's just not in me any more...the worst part is that as far as band members go, we are ALL the best of friends, and spend lots of time together outside of music. We have been through quite a few lineup changes in the singer position, and I think my leaving would be the last straw and ultimately dismember the band. I have been thinking about it a lot, and I came up with the idea of just being straight with the guys and tell them my situation, and offer to stay with them until they can find a good replacement. I wouldn't want to leave these guys high and dry because that's "just not cool".

My goal here is to depart, without burning and bridges. Has anybody been in a similar situation? If so, how did you handle it and how did it work out for you in the end? I appreciate your time
Click to expand...

Your heart and head are in the right place and more people in bands should be like you.

I think you have found a good solution. Take it a step further and try to find your own replacement and help him get situated, mentor him if needed and desired. That will take some of the load off the other band members.

If your first bandmates are as classy as you are, they will be happy for your success and they will work with your replacement and come to terms with their relative lack of success, assuming they are dissatisfied.
 
Depends on your (and both band members') long term objectives/goals. If you are having problems fitting both than you need to make a decision and follow your heart. Unfortunately, sometimes the only way is to burn a bridge, but if it is for the best, than the other band members should respect that.

If one of the guys in the band I'm in announced that they were leaving because they have another project which is more in line with their goal and they "get more" from that project, that is fine. I would be the first person to shake their hand and wish them luck. What would be worse is working with that person, knowing their heart was conflicted and wasn't in this project.

I would never talk smack about that person for leaving...even if it leaves me high-n-dry for another member. It's a one-shot deal most of the time and when an opportunity arises, you've got to go with it...even if it fails.

I would kick myself in the rear if I turned down the band I "really" wanted to play with and they met every goal you had dreamed of without you, wouldn't you?

Fortunately, everything is straight with the band I'm in, but my last project I was involved in ended with the singer walking cause he wanted to pursue solo work. He thought he could do better on his own...no drama, no fights, music was good and right on, good shows, la, la, la...he still walked. I wasn't mad at him even though it left the rest of us hanging. We worked around it and I'm sure your original band members will too (if that is the route you go).

***I agree with DMC, if you care to find a replacement and train them...b-u-t the likely-hood, probably slim.

Good luck.

Andy
 
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I have to agree, offer to help find a replacement.

I'm sort of on the opposite end, with someone who's joined another band, and has stopped putting even minimal effort into our band. I don't mind the 2nd band, I don't even mind that he's made that his priority, and understand why he's doing what he's doing, I just with he'd either make at least a minimal effort to support what we have, or just admit he doesn't want to do it and quit.

I'm still friends with some ex-band members because the split was done honestly with the best intentions. It's the band members who went down in a hurricane of drama/alcohol/legal issues that I can't stand to talk to. A few times I've gotten back together with an old band member to fill in, or do some recording.

It can happen. When Steve Smith left Journey the 2nd time (i.e. when he quit, instead of getting fired), Deen Castronovo got the call, Deen asked Smith for lessons on how to properly play a few things, and Smith gave them to him. If that can happen at the highest level, no reason it can't happen at any level.
 
Tact is what you need. Don't burn any bridges, if there are any hard feelings, let it be on their part.
Tact: The ability to tell someone to go to Hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
 
I've been in a slightly similar situation, growing out of a band. I do think you should step out of that first band if you no longer enjoy it. If you stay in that band at the expense of your family and other activities it will cause trouble sooner or later.
Maybe give them a two months notice while helping to find a replacement? You can be a good judge for a new drummer auditioning. And after two months you quit this band altogether, replacement or not.
 
I was also in a kinda similar situation, a little different, but the end descision was to leave the band. I considered giving "notice" and finding a replacement, but at the end of the day, I thought it best to cut the ties right away, as to force them to start looking for someone else asap. I did however wait until I had played out all shows booked to drop the news I was leaving, I didn't want to cause any harm to the band by having them cancel shows and potentially strain relationships with the promoters they were working with.

I wasn't interested in helping find a replacement, cause it's really their choice as to who they got in the band, not mine.

It was a drag at first, but they are decent enough guys to understand why I was leaving, we are still good friends.

There is almost nothing worse than showing up for rehearsals when you don't really want to be there. Waste of everybody's time.
 
There is some really great advice here. I've nothing to contribute to this thread but reading it sure put some good advice in my head for when I want to or have to leave my current project.
 
I moved to LA with a band who were all my best friends. I didn't want to move because I was able to start doing what I wanted with musicians I wanted to work with and then I'm getting dragged across country where I don't know anyone and didn't really care for the scene (from what I'd heard about it).

So I said I'd give them two years and if things weren't starting to move forward I'd leave to do my own thing (they'd said I wouldn't be allowed to freelance while with them - they were worried I'd leave for something better). I actually gave them 6extra months because we were discussing the idea of bringing in a new singer: our singer played the guitar (very well), and wrote really great lyrics as well as the first batch if songs when we'd gotten started, and every single girl who meets him thinks he's the handsomest man on the planet. The problem is he can't sing, and he didn't want to admit it and always dangled the "I'm gonna take singing lessons" line so I'd stay. ('cause the music was really great - just needed someone to pull off the vox)

Well he decided he needed to be the front man - couldn't not be "the man" so I had to say I was leaving. I lived with the guy and we *were* best friends - so I think he was trying to call my bluff. I wasn't bluffing so I was quitting - and I was taking the songs I'd written with me (once we had a keyboard in the apartment I started writing a ton - both completely by me and also helping write parts for stuff we were working on together. I'd say I was writing about 60-70% of everything the last 8 months or so...)

So after I quit, the singer cancels our lease early leaving me nowhere to go (he moved in across the street with his girlfriend who already had a place there) and screwing me out of my deposit (the building management gives so many days if you cancel the lease because they need to have the place to show possible tenants and charge a big fee if you're not out - I had paid a full month's rent expecting to be there for another 2 months- then they wanted me out on the 15th? AND I'm losing my deposit?...)

I am lucky a friend just bought a lift down the street and needed a roommate so that was good and then a week later I get a letter from the band - obviously written by a lawyer (tons of legal jargon) saying any songs that the band worked on/practiced/performed were all owned by the band. Not me. Even the ones I wrote everything for except lyrics (I'd let him write those so he could have more an attachment to what he was singing). Basically our 3 newest songs we were working on were our best and I'd done all the writing and they wanted them... Especially the chorus to one of them which they claimed to have written. I countered with "F you" and that I had the practice where I came up with the chorus recorded (which was true). The only two notes he "wrote" was the f# leading to the g of a G Major chord. Wow. The rest was a ness and I wrote the chorus then and there.

Then I said they were dead to me and if I passed them on the street (tight knit neighborhood Andes all knew the same people) I would pass them like I didn't know them. So...that was fun!

Interesting side note: I have kept tabs on them a little to see if they might try performing those songs and/or recording them as I heard they were doing an EP (with the help of Dave Navarro who is the singer's girlfriend's client - she manages him). Nothing yet but it does give a strange satisfaction that their new stuff while recorded better sounds devoid of any spark. Pretty boring and the singer still can't sing. It's too bad be can't let to of the frontman thing cuz he's really good otherwise...

Also - the other day I was checking craigslist and saw an "established band" seeking a drummer so I read it - they want a drummer between Jon Theodore, Brian Blade and Phil Selway. I think "sweet" and at the bottom I see the link and it's them... Still looking fir another me. Yeah that's right!
 
Wow! Consider yourself lucky to be rid of those guys. Some of the most egotistical and controlling people I've ever met have been musicians. Sounds like these guys were not short on either, if they didn't even let you "freelance" or keep the original stuff you wrote.
 
The Colonel said:
I moved to LA with a band who were all my best friends. I didn't want to move because I was able to start doing what I wanted with musicians I wanted to work with and then I'm getting dragged across country where I don't know anyone and didn't really care for the scene (from what I'd heard about it).

So I said I'd give them two years and if things weren't starting to move forward I'd leave to do my own thing (they'd said I wouldn't be allowed to freelance while with them - they were worried I'd leave for something better). I actually gave them 6extra months because we were discussing the idea of bringing in a new singer: our singer played the guitar (very well), and wrote really great lyrics as well as the first batch if songs when we'd gotten started, and every single girl who meets him thinks he's the handsomest man on the planet. The problem is he can't sing, and he didn't want to admit it and always dangled the "I'm gonna take singing lessons" line so I'd stay. ('cause the music was really great - just needed someone to pull off the vox)

Well he decided he needed to be the front man - couldn't not be "the man" so I had to say I was leaving. I lived with the guy and we *were* best friends - so I think he was trying to call my bluff. I wasn't bluffing so I was quitting - and I was taking the songs I'd written with me (once we had a keyboard in the apartment I started writing a ton - both completely by me and also helping write parts for stuff we were working on together. I'd say I was writing about 60-70% of everything the last 8 months or so...)

So after I quit, the singer cancels our lease early leaving me nowhere to go (he moved in across the street with his girlfriend who already had a place there) and screwing me out of my deposit (the building management gives so many days if you cancel the lease because they need to have the place to show possible tenants and charge a big fee if you're not out - I had paid a full month's rent expecting to be there for another 2 months- then they wanted me out on the 15th? AND I'm losing my deposit?...)

I am lucky a friend just bought a lift down the street and needed a roommate so that was good and then a week later I get a letter from the band - obviously written by a lawyer (tons of legal jargon) saying any songs that the band worked on/practiced/performed were all owned by the band. Not me. Even the ones I wrote everything for except lyrics (I'd let him write those so he could have more an attachment to what he was singing). Basically our 3 newest songs we were working on were our best and I'd done all the writing and they wanted them... Especially the chorus to one of them which they claimed to have written. I countered with "F you" and that I had the practice where I came up with the chorus recorded (which was true). The only two notes he "wrote" was the f# leading to the g of a G Major chord. Wow. The rest was a ness and I wrote the chorus then and there.

Then I said they were dead to me and if I passed them on the street (tight knit neighborhood Andes all knew the same people) I would pass them like I didn't know them. So...that was fun!

Interesting side note: I have kept tabs on them a little to see if they might try performing those songs and/or recording them as I heard they were doing an EP (with the help of Dave Navarro who is the singer's girlfriend's client - she manages him). Nothing yet but it does give a strange satisfaction that their new stuff while recorded better sounds devoid of any spark. Pretty boring and the singer still can't sing. It's too bad be can't let to of the frontman thing cuz he's really good otherwise...

Also - the other day I was checking craigslist and saw an "established band" seeking a drummer so I read it - they want a drummer between Jon Theodore, Brian Blade and Phil Selway. I think "sweet" and at the bottom I see the link and it's them... Still looking fir another me. Yeah that's right!
Click to expand...

When i quit my friends band they said they were going to call the songs i wrote their own (I wrote everything in the band, they didn't help at all, one of the reasons i quit) but really they were only joking. They're just a couple of people with knobs for heads. Don't even give them any notice.
 
These guys definitely were not kidding - although after I countered with the "F U" and "I have the recordings of me writing the song mid-rehearsal" I didn't hear back from them - then I made sure to write out everything on manuscript paper and get it copyrighted.
 
The Colonel said:
These guys definitely were not kidding - although after I countered with the "F U" and "I have the recordings of me writing the song mid-rehearsal" I didn't hear back from them - then I made sure to write out everything on manuscript paper and get it copyrighted.
Click to expand...

Good idea. I've started putting song ideas onto TuxGuitar (great program for playing along to songs on drums) so maybe when we do an album i'll send a usb stick with all the recordings and the actual music for it to myself recorded delivery.
 
I'm going to quickly resurrect this thread with an update ;)


I broke the news to the guys about two weeks ago and they handled it extremely well. We have had 2 auditions so far, the last kid had some talent, so we are having him audition a second time after giving him recordings to play to. I am still rehearsing and gigging with these guys with no hard or awkward feelings and I have to admit that the load taken off my back has been IMENSE!

Thank you guys for the supporting words and similar stories, they made it much easier for me~
 
Mike,
I like your drumming. You're solid, great meter, good feel for tempo, good dynamics, tasty appropriate fills. You go.
 
Bands are almost always temporary. The best you can do is try and preserve your friendships, as those are things to hold on to. Be honest about it, and if you can stay on until a replacement can be found (within reason).

I've left three bands. I can't say my departure was always tactful. Ironically, it was always just after a cd was finished. The first band I grew out of and was playing in two others so I needed to go. They were friends and it did not go over well since we had just finished a cd. The second band I left was because the other band I was in was moving ahead quickly and I was engaged. Doing two shows or more a week was getting hard. That too was just after a cd was finished. The third band was the best of the three and the hardest choice I made....one of the hardest in my life really.

We had just finished a cd and the band was getting very close to a breakthrough. I was getting married and I knew I couldn't give them the commitment they needed. My last show was the Cd release. They went on with a new drummer to record a second cd and began touring, radio, and even some tv engagements. Now their drummer is leaving as he is beginning a family and the band is going on some extensive tour dates.

Funny thing is, the last gig with them was the last time I played in three years until this week. I had sold my kit and told myself I was done. Got a new kit and am starting all over. Who knows where it will lead....
 
What was the name of the 3rd band?
 
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