I've been watching this thread for a couple days and finally felt I needed to say something.
Brit is right, don't accent one in the cymbal beat. Ever. Whoever said that to you Flex was wrong. Drummers, nor any other musicians are babysitters, it's not your responsibility to show them where one is or is not. If they don't know where one is, they don't need you to show them, they need to PRACTISE MORE. If you really need to guide them through, stomp the hats on 2 and 4 till they clue in and maybe even drop down to quarters on the cymbal until they have it back.
Second, everyone gets lost, or has gotten lost. Again Brit is right, the mark of a true musician is to make you think they haven't.
The fact is, what works for one may or may not work for another. You should try all the various accents (except beat one) and see what you like. Personally, I think quiet '&'s' sound amatuerish and too much like the antiquated dotted 8th-16th note feel. I like the '&'s'. Each one will have a different effect, 2 and 4 for example will make you sound like a kind of shuffle, like Dannie Richmond with Mingus. But that's just me. You need to figure out what will work best for you, with a band. What effect do you want to achieve?
GB