Difficulty in taking positive feedback.

N

Noestre

Guest
This is more of a psychological/life thing, but I find it difficult to receive compliments, especially from non-musicians and other musicians.
Throughout the years I have just started filtering out positive comments, and focused on the negative in my playing and it has made me constantly working on being better(which I guess is good), but I feel it also causes me a lot of grief and anger.
Anyone else have this problem? I want to start mellowing out a bit on the angry stuff.
 
I think someone else did a like=thread a bit ago. let me see if I can find it.
 
Anyone else have this problem?

That's a very good question.







How did that make you feel? :)



To answer your question, a lot of people have this kind of problem but I'm not one of them.

Whenever anyone says something complimentary to me, I respond with something like, "Thanks! That means a lot to me" and it does.

The main reason we play music so someone will enjoy it and let us know. If an audience is dancing laughing and having a great time, do you still focus on the negative?

If so, you need to unwind a bit before you have a stress induced heart attack :) Go to your happy place man!
 
Do you do this because you're afraid of becoming complacent and losing your edge?

I can answer that yes, I've experienced this. But a few years ago, I really took something to heart that I've heard a lot of good players talk about: Enjoy the journey. I don't kid myself about my playing, I don't deny my weaknesses, but I enjoy working on them a lot more now. Ten years ago, if I couldn't fix something and be perfect immediately, it would affect me and I'd get discouraged. Now, I kind of relish the work I have to put in.

It sounds like just a cliche, or at least it did to me, so I didn't take it seriously for a long time. I guess you could say I have difficulty taking advice. But I read someone like Billy Cobham talking about it and I decided to really think about whether I could do that. Now, I can say I really have accepted how important it is to not be pissed off about my weaknesses and just have fun improving those things.
 
Mark Twain once said, "I can live two months on a good compliment." That was the average amount of time it took him to write his next literary piece.
There's nothing wrong with a genuine compliment to spur you on, just don't start believing all your own press reports.

On the other hand criticism is a cruel master. But a proper balance of honest critique from others you trust as well as a few timely compliments can do
wonders to help you hone your craft.
 
The lead guitarist in my band is a very harsh critic during rehearsals. He's not in any way unpleasant, but he spots everything that wasn't perfect, and draws attention to it.

And that's how a band gets better.

Here's the cool bit: When we play out, he's 100% positive. And that's exactly the way it should be. Rehearsals are for getting better. Gigs are for reaping the rewards of rehearsals. Everybody gives their all at a gig, so there's nothing to be gained by being critical of a gig performance.

Enjoy that positive feedback. For one thing, the whole reason we play for people is for their enjoyment. For another, there's no bigger buzzkill than an entertainer who effectively tells an audience member that they were wrong to enjoy the performance.
 
I feel ya, man. Whenever someone compliments my drumming, it's like I don't know what to do with it, so I actually get kind of embarrassed. Nothing to worry about... You're (we're) just f***ed in the head, haha.
 
I get it. I always think to myself, "did this person not hear the complete crap I just played?" And have the inclination to say, "No, man, I sucked royally"

And I did that for a while, then a mentor of mine once told me, "Always be gracious and thankful for compliments. Even if you messed up, they thought you did well, and for that you should be thankful."

Since then, I always say "thank you" and avoid dwelling on any crapiness that may have appeared.

I've found that for the most part, non-musicians can't tell when there's a screw up. If it's completely off the rails, they might notice, but more often than not, they don't notice or don't care. I've played with people who have shot me looks on stage, and during a break I've told them to never do that. Save commentary/criticism for after the show. Never give an otherwise clueless audience any cues that things are going south onstage.
 
When I was a lot younger I thought that self-acceptance was the path to musical ruin- as though it would breed complacency and laziness. I used a lack of self acceptance as a form of motivation to get better at the craft of playing guitar.

Over time I've concluded I was wrong about this- I don't know how I came to change my perspective, perhaps it just came with getting a bit older?

I still work as hard on my drumming (started 4 years ago) as I ever did on guitar, taking it seriously and being a good student but I'm enjoying it much more.

Part of it is drumming being a better fit for me but a large part of it is simply that I'm not putting myself under so much pressure to be amazing.
This means I enjoy the practice and I enjoy the study.

I don't know if this is in any way relatable.
 
The main reason we play music so someone will enjoy it and let us know.
If an audience is dancing laughing and having a great time, do you still focus on the negative?
If so, you need to unwind a bit before you have a stress induced heart attack :) Go to your happy place man!

Exactly................ !


.
 
They're just telling you how much they appreciate all the hard work you put in to get that good. You should smile an thank them because it is kindness. That's one thing the world could use more of. :)

I think you play great, Thaard.
 
Thanks for the replies. I guess it's kind of a "keeping an edge" thing and such. I'm working very hard to become a musician, and sometimes it takes a toll, especially when I want to have an edge over the other drummers in my city. Also seeing other drummers getting a lot of gigs, while I have to struggle to make ends meet. Maybe it's just jealousy..

When people compliment me, I smile and say thanks, but it usually goes in one ear and out the other.
There are some musicians in town I really look up to, and two of them complimented my playing and gave me a free beer at a local jam. I lived on that for a week.
 
I am not pretending to even remotely understand psychological aspect of this subject but personally I can attest to dealing with it. First off, as a musician you have to recognize that there is a large number of non-musicians who are simply not versed, nor are listening to music with your seasoned ears.

For instance, my sister (and others) will send me links of "the greatest" guitar lead breaks etc... which generally suck. Go to a club and observe the adulation for groups or songs that are sub-par and generally suck (The Rolling Stones conundrum).

So... when non-musicians compliment the band, or myself these are just a couple of things that flash through my mind. That, and the state of inebriation of the person showering the air with their compliments.

Compliments from peers and colleagues are completely different. They know! They struggle themselves, they are and do "walk in my shoes" so to speak and I highly regard their input. They will tell you (or me) personally, positively, and negatively what they think. And I appreciate that.

But, when confronted by somebody wishing us (or me) well, and giving compliments to a performance that in my mind wasn't up to standard; what can I say? Well, I remain polite and engage the person and thank them and tell them it was a "pleasure to play here tonight" or something such as that and leave the conversation on a positive. Maybe I'm still in the performance mode. I don't know. And I certainly don't stress about it. Some nights or songs just click, others... not so much.

Perhaps it's a philosophy more than a psychological syndrome. But that's where looking into the mirror and reaffirming your love for what you do helps. Take for instance the Free Jazz musician who can look in the mirror and say, "wow last night was a total blast" and mean it. Everybody else might walk away shaking their heads and thinking "they really suck" others may think "total groove" and others have reached an epiphany that virtually tore the roof down over their subjugated world... "WTF was that!" And you and your group have made that happen!

At any rate... breath deeply and enjoy what you do, not so much what others are thinking and strive for improvement, or forward movement in a direction that suits you. That's the art of it all.
 
Well we are often are own worse critic-but that's good. When I get compliments I usually think they are just being "nice" and "supportive", or they need to get out more and see a really good drummer-but that's my personal thing. On a social level of consciousness I'm really appreciative of any positive comments and I'm glad people enjoy the music-because it's about the music not me. I take the Buddha approach-the middle road I'm mediocre-so I've reached "enlightenment". LOL.
 
Here's the issue in a nutshell Thaard.

Don't focus on yourself. If someone compliments you, say thanks...from your heart (fake it if you have to at first) and then ask them about them.

I know if I give someone a compliment and they tear it down....

A. I'm miffed that my nice gesture wasn't recognized
B. I would be hesitant to compliment that person in the future
C. I would think that this poor person is being handed a small piece of recognition and that they just threw it to the ground and stomped all over it.

Another approach that actually goes over well, and lightens things up...

Hey Thaard, you really kicked the hell out of that set. You guys are great!

(You) Yes. Yes we are lol.

It always gets a nice response, assuming it is said in a lighthearted way. People ALWAYS respond better to confidence/humor than self deprecation.

Believe me when I tell you that people would MUCH rather you agree with them than disagree with them when it comes to compliments. It's OK to take them. They are meant to be enjoyed. You probably even earned it.

It's basic manners. Anytime anyone compliments you, you ALWAYS say thank you (and mean it)

People have got to get over their stupid self loathing, it does no one any good. I'm not saying anyone is stupid. I'm saying self loathing is stupid.

I hate to frame it like this, but in a way, people have to grow up enough to get past this self deprecating line of thought. It's detrimental to you, and it's rude to the person complimenting. There's a much better way.
 
Thanks for the replies. I guess it's kind of a "keeping an edge" thing and such. I'm working very hard to become a musician, and sometimes it takes a toll, especially when I want to have an edge over the other drummers in my city. Also seeing other drummers getting a lot of gigs, while I have to struggle to make ends meet. Maybe it's just jealousy..

When people compliment me, I smile and say thanks, but it usually goes in one ear and out the other.
There are some musicians in town I really look up to, and two of them complimented my playing and gave me a free beer at a local jam. I lived on that for a week.

Read Effortless Mastery by jazz pianist Kenney Werner. Changed my perspective and just about anyone I know who has read it. Basically helps you to get better by enjoying what you're doing. Not in like a hippie-dippie "there are no mistakes" kind of way, but.......I dunno, just read it. He makes an analogy, something to effect of saying how the music student will live by the motto "music is life" and he tells you to imagine putting a plastic bag over your head, tape it closed around your neck and as you're grasping your last bits of air, think about how important music is THEN. Guy makes some good points and has a sense of humor. Good luck!
 
Thanks for the replies. I guess it's kind of a "keeping an edge" thing and such. I'm working very hard to become a musician, and sometimes it takes a toll, especially when I want to have an edge over the other drummers in my city. Also seeing other drummers getting a lot of gigs, while I have to struggle to make ends meet. Maybe it's just jealousy..

If there's one thing I could go back in time to tell my younger self, it would be to lighten the f!@# up and live and enjoy life. In my experience, being consistently hard on myself in the name of wanting to get better actually impeded my development as a musician. I was so busy beating myself up over the things I wasn't happy with in my playing that I missed out on experience that would have inspired the kind of playing I was wanting to do in the first place (if that makes sense).

Compliments from other musicians you respect and admire are wonderful but I think there's also tremendous value in the compliments you get from others. To me, it means that someone was moved in some way that meant enough to them to say something to me. If music is about connection, a compliment from anyone means I'm doing my job.

One other thought that fits with what Larry said (I think): If you think of a compliment as a sort of gift, as something meaningful enough to someone that they are compelled to share it with you, it becomes very important to honor that, to experience some resonance with it that the person giving the compliment will feel from you. You'll always have a thousand things about your playing you'll want to improve--that never ends (and I happen to like that). But in my experience, my playing actually benefits from tempering that drive and commitment with an acknowledgment of things that are going well and an appreciation for what my playing might be doing for others.

Jason
 
If there's one thing I could go back in time to tell my younger self, it would be to lighten the f!@# up and live and enjoy life. In my experience, being consistently hard on myself in the name of wanting to get better actually impeded my development as a musician. I was so busy beating myself up over the things I wasn't happy with in my playing that I missed out on experience that would have inspired the kind of playing I was wanting to do in the first place (if that makes sense).

Compliments from other musicians you respect and admire are wonderful but I think there's also tremendous value in the compliments you get from others. To me, it means that someone was moved in some way that meant enough to them to say something to me. If music is about connection, a compliment from anyone means I'm doing my job.

One other thought that fits with what Larry said (I think): If you think of a compliment as a sort of gift, as something meaningful enough to someone that they are compelled to share it with you, it becomes very important to honor that, to experience some resonance with it that the person giving the compliment will feel from you. You'll always have a thousand things about your playing you'll want to improve--that never ends (and I happen to like that). But in my experience, my playing actually benefits from tempering that drive and commitment with an acknowledgment of things that are going well and an appreciation for what my playing might be doing for others.

Jason

Exactly. It would be refreshing to read posts about drummers enjoying playing, loving the music, getting a buzz from the gig and.............having fun. Isnt that why we all started playing in the first instance.
 
I hate to frame it like this, but in a way, people have to grow up enough to get past this self deprecating line of thought. It's detrimental to you, and it's rude to the person complimenting. There's a much better way.

Don't hate yourself Larry :)


I am one of those self deprecating fools and I've always known it and what you said is perfect and true. We are all works in progress.
 
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