DRUMMERWORLD OFFICIAL DISCUSSION FORUM   

Go Back   DRUMMERWORLD OFFICIAL DISCUSSION FORUM > Off Topic Lounge

Off Topic Lounge All Discussions Not Related To Drumming

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 03-08-2011, 02:44 PM
Jim Mattingly Jim Mattingly is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 186
Default Homogenous Blend A Must-Family>Music>Career

A post I saw earlier prompted me to start this thread. This is a subject that could become a very long posting and I will just try to keep it as short as possible. I guess the jist of this topic from my perspective is that at times it can become very, very difficult to maintain a homogenous blend of family, music and a career because all are very demanding and all can interfere significantly with each other. I have seen a ton of musicians who have had to leave bands, quit playing or are always in the doghouse due to conflict. I myself gave up playing for about ten years to get my kids raised and it was very difficult but something I felt I had to do. My wife never pressured me into giving up playing, actually it was just the opposite with my wife and kids, they have always supported my musical endeavors 200%.
Which is probably the reason we have been married over 23 years because she did and obviously still does support my dreams, as I do hers. This could be a very touchy subject but just curious as to some of the experiences you may be able to relate to and possibly share for the benefit of us all.

The above is one of the reasons I am very hesitant to get involved in a project with younger musicians who are married or who are married with young kids. I have committed to a few bands just to have it all go south when we started to gig out and they are away from home/family. Or who are always in a pissed off state of mind because they are in the doghouse because of playing. I believe the key is to have a supportive significant other, otherwise it is almost guaranteed to get ugly at some point (at home). I am very curious how this thread will be taken....Positive or Neagtive....Or at all....
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 03-08-2011, 05:21 PM
chapsman's Avatar
chapsman chapsman is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Utah, USA
Posts: 9
Default Re: Homogenous Blend A Must-Family>Music>Career

I feel you, Jim. Every relationship is different. I gave up a lot more than music for my wife and we still ended up divorced. My new wife is awsome. She's the one that motivated me to start playing again. She doesn't mind if I'm in a band as long as I host practices. We have young kids and they all like to rock when I'm playing even when it's by myself or along with music from my ipod over loud speakers. Kinda fun to watch my 2 year old dance.

I'm one of those you would be hesitant about...I know this and thats why it will be a while before I'll be willing to start/join a serious group and look for gigs. But it is definately a future goal. For me, there was nothing like playing with a talented group of friends where we all clicked...personality wise and most of all, musically. That groove we all feel where nothing else seems to exist but sound of our music and the crowd digging it.

I miss it. But my priorities are securing my family's future. I've been fortunate and we're close, but for now the few people I play with is just for mutual fun.
__________________
"That's good enough for Funk, Baby!"
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 03-08-2011, 05:30 PM
Witterings Witterings is offline
Silver Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 585
Default Re: Homogenous Blend A Must-Family>Music>Career

I was only thinking about starting a post like this 2 days ago.

I've been with the other half for 20 yrs married with 2 kids and sold my drums as I wasn't using them shortly after we met so she's never really known me as a drummer.

We've always kept the weekends as sacrosanct between us and family time and avoided guys / girls nights out on Fridays and Saturdays but during the week I get pretty much a free rein and could do what I like. About 5 years ago some of the dads at the local school got a band back together and we did gigs once every 4 months or so but they were charity type things and loads of people the wife knew would be there so she was happy to come along.
That band broke up really due to family pressures on the bass player but I'd got hooked and started taking it a lot more seriously and taking lesson / religiously practicing and joined another band that were only going to gig ever 2 months or so. We've now done our
1st few gigs and are getting ask backs to all the venues we've done every 6 weeks or so along with other people seeing us and wanting to book us in as well.
The Mrs is trying to be understanding / supportive especially as I used to be a sports fanatic but due to injury have had to give it all up and she thinks it's good I have other interests to replace ones I can no longer do but I know she hates it when I go off to gigs on Fridays and Saturdays and doesn't want to be sitting in a bar on her own and hour from home just to watch me play.
I think the hardest part of it is if we'd always done our own thing or had say regular boys / girls nights out on Fridays / Saturdays it wouldn't be a problem but she also sees it as a complete change in previous behaviour and wonders what that's all about. I also feel dragged away when on a Friday at 6.00 / 7.00pm we'd normally start unwinding with a couple of drinks and the start of the weekend but instead I'm packing up the car to leave her for an evening.
I honestly don't know what the answer is, I love playing and don't want to give it up and could easily do mid week gigs but most pubs only want you on teh busy Fridays / Saturdays. Thinks it would be easier to justify if it was my living and we could adjust our lifetsyle / evenings together accordingly but not so easy when it's a holiday and I still have work every day during the week.
Not easy whichever way you look at it and wish I knw what the answer is !!!!!
__________________
My Band
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 03-08-2011, 08:23 PM
Jim Mattingly Jim Mattingly is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 186
Default Re: Homogenous Blend A Must-Family>Music>Career

Quote:
Originally Posted by chapsman View Post
I feel you, Jim. Every relationship is different. I gave up a lot more than music for my wife and we still ended up divorced. My new wife is awsome. She's the one that motivated me to start playing again. She doesn't mind if I'm in a band as long as I host practices. We have young kids and they all like to rock when I'm playing even when it's by myself or along with music from my ipod over loud speakers. Kinda fun to watch my 2 year old dance.

I'm one of those you would be hesitant about...I know this and thats why it will be a while before I'll be willing to start/join a serious group and look for gigs. But it is definately a future goal. For me, there was nothing like playing with a talented group of friends where we all clicked...personality wise and most of all, musically. That groove we all feel where nothing else seems to exist but sound of our music and the crowd digging it.

I miss it. But my priorities are securing my family's future. I've been fortunate and we're close, but for now the few people I play with is just for mutual fun.
Thanks for the reply. I feel ya. Although both my kids are now in college I remember when they would come and watch us play during practices and they would have a blast jammin out with us. My wife is the same, she loves to watch and liten to us play. She is also one of my best critics, and the band's. She can tell when I am having an off day, and will mention it, in a polite way. Like I said also I support her dreams, she owns her own lanscaping company, which started out as a hobby and now she is a very successful business person who is much in demand. It is certainly and give and take life we all live. Keep at it though, if you play, they will come...The biggest high in the world for me is playing live to an audience, nothing better...
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 03-08-2011, 08:35 PM
Jim Mattingly Jim Mattingly is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 186
Default Re: Homogenous Blend A Must-Family>Music>Career

Quote:
Originally Posted by Witterings View Post
I was only thinking about starting a post like this 2 days ago.

I've been with the other half for 20 yrs married with 2 kids and sold my drums as I wasn't using them shortly after we met so she's never really known me as a drummer.

We've always kept the weekends as sacrosanct between us and family time and avoided guys / girls nights out on Fridays and Saturdays but during the week I get pretty much a free rein and could do what I like. About 5 years ago some of the dads at the local school got a band back together and we did gigs once every 4 months or so but they were charity type things and loads of people the wife knew would be there so she was happy to come along.
That band broke up really due to family pressures on the bass player but I'd got hooked and started taking it a lot more seriously and taking lesson / religiously practicing and joined another band that were only going to gig ever 2 months or so. We've now done our
1st few gigs and are getting ask backs to all the venues we've done every 6 weeks or so along with other people seeing us and wanting to book us in as well.
The Mrs is trying to be understanding / supportive especially as I used to be a sports fanatic but due to injury have had to give it all up and she thinks it's good I have other interests to replace ones I can no longer do but I know she hates it when I go off to gigs on Fridays and Saturdays and doesn't want to be sitting in a bar on her own and hour from home just to watch me play.
I think the hardest part of it is if we'd always done our own thing or had say regular boys / girls nights out on Fridays / Saturdays it wouldn't be a problem but she also sees it as a complete change in previous behaviour and wonders what that's all about. I also feel dragged away when on a Friday at 6.00 / 7.00pm we'd normally start unwinding with a couple of drinks and the start of the weekend but instead I'm packing up the car to leave her for an evening.
I honestly don't know what the answer is, I love playing and don't want to give it up and could easily do mid week gigs but most pubs only want you on teh busy Fridays / Saturdays. Thinks it would be easier to justify if it was my living and we could adjust our lifetsyle / evenings together accordingly but not so easy when it's a holiday and I still have work every day during the week.
Not easy whichever way you look at it and wish I knw what the answer is !!!!!
The two replies I have received so far to this posting are just what I was hoping would come back, very honest, thanks. It is very difficult to juggle all three and it does in fact take a ton of work to make all three mix well. Glad to hear you are still playing and trying to make it work, if you are like me it would be hard to give up on any of them. I cetainly wish you well, on all fronts. This is a very tough but real topic many of us are faced with and my intention was to hopefully get real replies to possibly help others to properly navigate through this reality in hopes that may continue to do all. Thanks again, keep the faith..
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 03-09-2011, 05:24 AM
ddrumman2004 ddrumman2004 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Courtland MS
Posts: 323
Default Re: Homogenous Blend A Must-Family>Music>Career

I have quit playing twice, once when my young son's mom's cancer got worse and her eventual death. I was out of the business for a year and half then started back in late 2003.

I met my current wife in 04 and she backs me 100% in my playing. I quit again for personal reasons in 2006. I wanted to spend time with my wife and son and do things we couldn't do due to my playing every darn weekend! The every weekend gigs began to take a toll on me as well and I have had some major health problems. My health is more important to me than playing drums every weekend.

I started back in March of 2010 with the backing of my wife but I will only commit to twice a month playing. I will not let making music on the weekends prevent me from spending time with family.

The extra money is nice but I can live without it.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 03-09-2011, 06:56 AM
daredrummer's Avatar
daredrummer daredrummer is offline
Gold Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Missouri
Posts: 1,375
Default Re: Homogenous Blend A Must-Family>Music>Career

This is why I don't want to become a famous record selling touring drummer.
Wow, 15 year old drummer doesn't want to become famous???

Although I'm just in my teens, I know that a family and a good career is in my future.
While I love drumming, it's simply not worth devoting all my time to, throughout my life. There are so many things to do and experience in this world, and I can't see myself limiting myself to drumming.
I hope that with my career (astronomy I hope. Nerd, right? :p), I still have time to play drums and play with friends, as this is something I love doing, but I won't sacrifice a family and a bright future, due to some wood and some bronze. :p

(Just kidding on that last reference, don't want to start a angry mob here...)
__________________
"Nowadays you could find a plumber, put him in a studio and make him sound good." ~John Robinson
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 03-09-2011, 02:09 PM
Jim Mattingly Jim Mattingly is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 186
Default Re: Homogenous Blend A Must-Family>Music>Career

Quote:
Originally Posted by ddrumman2004 View Post
I have quit playing twice, once when my young son's mom's cancer got worse and her eventual death. I was out of the business for a year and half then started back in late 2003.

I met my current wife in 04 and she backs me 100% in my playing. I quit again for personal reasons in 2006. I wanted to spend time with my wife and son and do things we couldn't do due to my playing every darn weekend! The every weekend gigs began to take a toll on me as well and I have had some major health problems. My health is more important to me than playing drums every weekend.

I started back in March of 2010 with the backing of my wife but I will only commit to twice a month playing. I will not let making music on the weekends prevent me from spending time with family.

The extra money is nice but I can live without it.
I would like to think that most of us would make the choices you have, I know I would have. When it comes down to it, family should always and has to come first. It does tend to take a big toll when playing every weekend. When I started back into it and my kids were still fairly young I limited my gigs to one maybe two a month. Now that the kids are in college and gone I am good to go for three to four weekends a month. So, if you can hang in there it will come back, that is of course if you want to gig that much. The money is not an issue for me to be honest but yes it is nice to get paid doing something you love. We also do quite a few benefit gigs and maybe 2-3 festivals during the summer. I thorougly support doing valid benefit gigs but only if I personally believe in the cause. I have also been doing some filling in for some other bands, so you can really stay busy if you want to. My wife goes to practically every gig I play, even when I tell her she does need to if she doesn't. Great to have her by my side man...Good luck and god bless..
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 03-09-2011, 02:13 PM
Jim Mattingly Jim Mattingly is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 186
Default Re: Homogenous Blend A Must-Family>Music>Career

Quote:
Originally Posted by daredrummer View Post
This is why I don't want to become a famous record selling touring drummer.
Wow, 15 year old drummer doesn't want to become famous???

Although I'm just in my teens, I know that a family and a good career is in my future.
While I love drumming, it's simply not worth devoting all my time to, throughout my life. There are so many things to do and experience in this world, and I can't see myself limiting myself to drumming.
I hope that with my career (astronomy I hope. Nerd, right? :p), I still have time to play drums and play with friends, as this is something I love doing, but I won't sacrifice a family and a bright future, due to some wood and some bronze. :p

(Just kidding on that last reference, don't want to start a angry mob here...)
Nothing wrong at all with what you desire, most of us do. If we were all rock stars and there were no weekend warriors it would be pretty boring. This is a great way to have fun and do what you love {playing drums}, it is my sanity check for sure.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 03-09-2011, 03:32 PM
ddrumman2004 ddrumman2004 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Courtland MS
Posts: 323
Default Re: Homogenous Blend A Must-Family>Music>Career

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jim Mattingly View Post
I would like to think that most of us would make the choices you have, I know I would have. When it comes down to it, family should always and has to come first. It does tend to take a big toll when playing every weekend. When I started back into it and my kids were still fairly young I limited my gigs to one maybe two a month. Now that the kids are in college and gone I am good to go for three to four weekends a month. So, if you can hang in there it will come back, that is of course if you want to gig that much. The money is not an issue for me to be honest but yes it is nice to get paid doing something you love. We also do quite a few benefit gigs and maybe 2-3 festivals during the summer. I thorougly support doing valid benefit gigs but only if I personally believe in the cause. I have also been doing some filling in for some other bands, so you can really stay busy if you want to. My wife goes to practically every gig I play, even when I tell her she does need to if she doesn't. Great to have her by my side man...Good luck and god bless..
I have two grown kids as well as a 7 year old granddaughter plus a soon to be 13 year old autistic son.....and I'm almost 59!
I'm lucky is that my son has a half-sister who will watch him for us while I go play a gig. My wife follows me to every gig except for one place we play and I can't much blame her for not going. I don't really care for the place either but the money is good and the rest of the band wants to play it.
If I'm asked to play a benefit or fill in for a drummer friend, I'll do it as I have done in the past. One of the best gigs I ever played was for a nursing home. No money....just the joy in the faces of the older people on walkers and in wheel chairs!!! No amount of money can replace that!

Most folks priorities change as they age.....I know mine have! I look at my life and tell myself that if I'm blessed, I may live another 20 years. But that is if I start taking care of myself!

As much as I love to play the drums in a live situation and watch people move to the beat I'm laying down, if my health takes a turn for the worse...or....if I'm not having fun, I'll retire and be content to play along with my MP3 player at home. Good luck to you and God bless!
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 03-09-2011, 03:44 PM
Witterings Witterings is offline
Silver Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 585
Default Re: Homogenous Blend A Must-Family>Music>Career

Quote:
Originally Posted by ddrumman2004 View Post
I'm almost 59!
Play along with my MP3 player at home !
59 and knows how to use an MP3 Player - I'm impressed :-)
__________________
My Band
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 03-09-2011, 09:39 PM
DrumEatDrum's Avatar
DrumEatDrum DrumEatDrum is offline
Platinum Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 7,843
Default Re: Homogenous Blend A Must-Family>Music>Career

It can be tough.

With my wife, there has never been an issue. She met me when I was in an original rock band, and she got the speech that band comes first, and everything else second. She stuck by me through the ups and downs (and mostly downs) of being a struggling musician in Los Angeles.

When we got married, I gave up being in bands for a while, but that was more about me being burnt out than her. I still always had a drum kit set up somewhere, and still practicing a few times a week. She helped me get my next band going a few years later.

Kids, on the other hand, is a different experience. Not because they pressure you to not do something. Just there isn't the time when they're babies. The not sleeping through the night, diaper changes, extra laundry and such just wore me down after a while.

I was always exhausted, and motivation to go find another band and play a gig slipped away. My oldest son didn't sleep through the night for almost 4 full years. So I turned to writing and recording music. I took up the guitar on the side. This way, I was still involved in music, but I didn't have to commit to a band's schedule. If I miss a day, or a week, that's on me, and no one else is disappointed.

But in the last three months, I've sensed a big change. My kids are both sleeping through the night. The oldest one is fully potty trained. The youngest one is old enough that they can play together and keep each other entertained. Suddenly, I'm finding myself with more time again to devote to music.

So I'm finishing up my original songs. I've started jamming with some other guys on the side. Suddenly, finding a band and doing some gigs no longer sounds like such an exotic concept.

But it is tougher to find people to play with. So many people have long since given up playing. I can't commit to a 3 night a week practice schedule for a younger band. I'm not interested in the "we're going to tour and be stars" mentality. But on the flip side, when you do find some guys who are in the same situation as me, they have their own distractions. So many only want to get together on Saturday afternoon, which tends to be family time around here.

Or they want to do a cover band and play material I'm NOT interested in. Or this, that or other the other thing. Which is not much different than when you're young, but when you're young, if the band doesn't suit you, you can just say "next" and there are always 100 other bands. At this point, the pool is smaller.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 03-09-2011, 11:34 PM
inneedofgrace's Avatar
inneedofgrace inneedofgrace is offline
Platinum Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: New Jersey - Exit 5
Posts: 1,560
Default Re: Homogenous Blend A Must-Family>Music>Career

About 20 years ago the band I had started up decided to disband. The only quirk here is that they then decided to reform with a new name, without me. So essentially I was shuffled out of the lineup without being directly told as such. The reason? Because I was a few years older than my bandmates, and I was married. And to top it off, my wife went into labor with our first child the night we were supposed to play at a bandmember's house party (not even a paid gig).

I was pretty upset about this so I decided to put the sticks down for a few years while I concentrated on my family. It wasn't until my two daughters were a little older that I got back in the saddle again. Now my kids are 17 and 20 and I'm involved with two bands, playing 2-3 times a week. All this amongst my other hobbies. Unfortunately my wife does not have any real hobbies (watching TV and gambling at the casino don't count - LOL). Fortunately she is okay with my band committments (one is at church, and she goes with me anyway). Every once in a while it may get to be a tad too much for her so I have to back off. Just this week I had to tell the band I couldn't make practice because it was my daughter's birthday and we wanted to take her out to dinner. They all understood.
__________________
"Through many dangers, toils and snares..." - Amazing Grace, third verse
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are Off
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off




All times are GMT +2. The time now is 06:27 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.0
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Bernhard Castiglioni's DRUMMERWORLD.com