I can't take it anymore! Wife smokes, I don't. Tips are welcome!

Hey guys time for my soap-box,

First, I really apologize if I'm offending any smokers out there. I used to smoke, quit about 4 years ago and I know it's a serious PITA if you're trying to quit. So yes, I'm a little bit of a hypocrite here, but here'goes.

Like I mentioned, I used to smoke, for about 10 years. When I met my then-future-wife I smoked as well, though I never really liked it. I did it because when I was young I thought it was cool then addiction set it, but I always despised the taste, the smell, etc. Well, now I've been quited for 4+ years and I just cannot stand the smell anymore. It's one thing when you're a smoker because you can barely smell it, but it's so bad I can smell her from across the house, literally. It seems like some smokers reek more than others, I don't know why, but it just seems that way and when my beloved wife smokes she REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKS (not to mention all the other effects it's having on her). One time I was showering and she decided to hop in after just having a smoke and I actually had to get out because it started churning my stomach.

Here's the thing-
She knows how I feel about it. I've mentioned it numerous times. Sometimes she'll lay by me on the couch and she'll catch me holding my nose, I've even told her that the smell is almost unbearable for me. The problem is that it seems like she has absolutely no desire to quit. She bought an electric cig, which seemed like a godsend, but she quickly discarded it and moved back to the real deal. She has even said she doesn't desire quitting, even for her own health. I dread riding in the car with her, I don't feel like being affectionate, ugh - I know, I'm bad for feeling this way.

What's a boy to do? She tried brushing her teeth more often and using mints and such, but it's short-lived because she smokes so much. Does anyone have any tips? Again, I'm so sorry if I'm offending anybody. I just don't know what to do - it was definitely much easier when I smoked because I couldn't smell it nearly as bad! (though that's not ever gonna happen again!).

Okay, off my soapbox now.
Get her one of those electric cigs the smoke isn't. as bad as a regular cig. you have the reform smoker syndrome for sure if you love her you'll accept it & if she loves you she'll quit or at least cut-down on the smoking. marriage is give & take even through sometimes it feel like your doing all the giving.

hang in there,
Bonzolead
 
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the "juice" can be carmal smelling, vanilla, mint, strawberry, whatever.

The e cig unit heats the water up, via battery that can be charged via usb, or car cigarette lighter.

In short its smokeless, gives the nicotine and helps people quit. it sounds like gimmick crap or something, i have a girlfriend, an aunt, multiple friends who have done this.

some continue to smoke real cigarettes part of the time and these the other, and slowly lessen their cravings that way.

i used to smoke and "quit" multiple times. Im stubborn and went cold turkey and, well we know how that is.

i wish this was out when i quit.
 
Drumming forum is free :) Besides, people vent on forums all the time, nothing new.

venting about how the guitarist solos in your tunes too much or how soundmen are jerks at gigs are total different arenas than domestic issues like possibly leaving your wife because you don't like her smoking anymore.

i'll give it to you straight man. you say you've smoked for ten years, but with your annoyance at your wife not being able to drop the habit like you did, makes me suspect you weren't a REAL smoker. if you were a real smoker, you'd realize that nothing can make a smoker stop except themself. all the nagging, all the replacements, all that stuff is useless...the only that makes a real smoker stop is the smoker's mindset, being able to realize they've been duped for all these years. smokers already know the habit sucks...waste of money...bad for the health...stinks etc. she already feels guilty by the rituals she goes through before you guys have sex. now you as her partner can be compassionate and support her positively, knowing how hard it is to reverse all this brainwashing society and cigarette companies have instilled into people about this habit. or you can try this negative reinforcement people are suggesting, the ultimatums, the replacement therapy and keep up the spiral, make things worse in the marriage and possibly divorce. this is why a marriage counselor would be more suitable for advice (if this is really the problem).
another thing is that when you got married, you knew she smoked. you knew this and accepted it. i think the saying goes, you made your bed, now lie in it.

don't take the bluntness personally, it's not. just saying that something as important as this, if this is really a problem, should be handled by professionals.
 
venting about how the guitarist solos in your tunes too much or how soundmen are jerks at gigs are total different arenas than domestic issues like possibly leaving your wife because you don't like her smoking anymore.

i'll give it to you straight man. you say you've smoked for ten years, but with your annoyance at your wife not being able to drop the habit like you did, makes me suspect you weren't a REAL smoker. if you were a real smoker, you'd realize that nothing can make a smoker stop except themself. all the nagging, all the replacements, all that stuff is useless...the only that makes a real smoker stop is the smoker's mindset, being able to realize they've been duped for all these years. smokers already know the habit sucks...waste of money...bad for the health...stinks etc. she already feels guilty by the rituals she goes through before you guys have sex. now you as her partner can be compassionate and support her positively, knowing how hard it is to reverse all this brainwashing society and cigarette companies have instilled into people about this habit. or you can try this negative reinforcement people are suggesting, the ultimatums, the replacement therapy and keep up the spiral, make things worse in the marriage and possibly divorce. this is why a marriage counselor would be more suitable for advice (if this is really the problem).
another thing is that when you got married, you knew she smoked. you knew this and accepted it. i think the saying goes, you made your bed, now lie in it.

don't take the bluntness personally, it's not. just saying that something as important as this, if this is really a problem, should be handled by professionals.

This is very well said.
 
I've always absolutely HATED cigarette smoke, growing up in a house of chain smokers. I never even tried it because of how disgusting I've always found the habit. I won't even hang out in a bar that allows smoking anymore. Of course, I don't believe in telling others what to do, so I don't care who smokes or where they do it as long as it's not my property.

Marriage is a complicated case. It's simple in my opinion; what happened in the past can't be changed. It doesn't matter that you smoked when you met her - you don't anymore and you find it very distasteful now. If this were my situation, I would put it to her like this; smoking or me.

I would explain that she could have her filthy habit, which is as best, prematurely aging her and making her repulsive to be around or at worst, killing her from the inside. Or, she could have you and a longer, healthier life.

This isn't an overreaction since it's obviously wearing you down and could begin to seriously strain your relationship, if it hasn't already.
 
venting about how the guitarist solos in your tunes too much or how soundmen are jerks at gigs are total different arenas than domestic issues like possibly leaving your wife because you don't like her smoking anymore.

i'll give it to you straight man. you say you've smoked for ten years, but with your annoyance at your wife not being able to drop the habit like you did, makes me suspect you weren't a REAL smoker. if you were a real smoker, you'd realize that nothing can make a smoker stop except themself. all the nagging, all the replacements, all that stuff is useless...the only that makes a real smoker stop is the smoker's mindset, being able to realize they've been duped for all these years. smokers already know the habit sucks...waste of money...bad for the health...stinks etc. she already feels guilty by the rituals she goes through before you guys have sex. now you as her partner can be compassionate and support her positively, knowing how hard it is to reverse all this brainwashing society and cigarette companies have instilled into people about this habit. or you can try this negative reinforcement people are suggesting, the ultimatums, the replacement therapy and keep up the spiral, make things worse in the marriage and possibly divorce. this is why a marriage counselor would be more suitable for advice (if this is really the problem).
another thing is that when you got married, you knew she smoked. you knew this and accepted it. i think the saying goes, you made your bed, now lie in it.

don't take the bluntness personally, it's not. just saying that something as important as this, if this is really a problem, should be handled by professionals.

Please tell me where I said I was going to potentially leave my wife, I never said that, in fact I said I would NOT do that and leaving her would be really lame (try actually reading the posts maybe?)

I don't know what qualifies as a 'real' smoker, but I smoked for at least a decade and it took me at least 3 attempts to quit. Of course I understand it's difficult.

I can vent if I want to. I decided to throw my post up here because I'm comfortable with this community and I thought perhaps I'd find some decent advice, and I got some! And I thank those who have contributed to said advice.
 
I hope there is resolution in this matter for you. My girlfriend smokes as well, she wants to quit and is envious of my cold turkey nature.

If you have ever smoked there are those times, times when you get the urge. Hence why we "quit" so many times!

The E cig thing is worth looking into. When we figured the monetary savings, we were spending a quarter of what she spent in a month on cigs, versus what we spent in month on e cigs.

Might work , might not.

AS far as coming down on you for venting, this is a discussion board, and the off topic area, so personally I don't see a problem.

AS stated earlier I hope something positive ensues.
 
Tobacco is so unfeminine. I wish they would try and wipe tobacco off the face of the earth instead of the other thing I can't mention. Look at the stress to this one relationship this insideous addictive substance is causing. Tobacco companies are as evil as they come. They do no good for anybody They poison the earth with their terrible (supposedly radioactive) pesticides and enslave their users while slowly poisioning them. In the meantime, anybody who does smoke stinks, ages prematurely, make everyones insurance go up, all while paying re-diculous prices. I can't stand it when people behave like sheep.
I should stop now, I need a smoke.




The good kind.
 
Try e cigs

it gives her nicotine and emits water vapor.

look it up

Good advice.

ECF forum has all the info you need to get a decent setup - most of them you buy at gas stations or 7-11 are garbage and way overpriced.

I quit a 2 pack a day smoking habit I had for about 20 years with ecigs. But it took some time to find what worked for me. I feel and smell way better now.

Good luck

also - equating money spent on smoking with MMA training is pretty ridiculous since one is killing you and one makes you healthier.
 
As a very recent ex smoker I found that one way of reducing the amount of grief to nonsmoker parters was to do a massive exhale after a cigarette - voiding your lungs totally. Then rinsing your mouth out with water or drink some juice.

The smell is still there but less pronounced. When you smoke a small amount is always stuck in the bottom of your lungs and that is a big part of the smell IMO

Agree with Abe, no amount of hassling can get a smoker to quit (and in my case it made me less inclined to quit) ... you have to be ready to quit within yourself.
 
For better or worse ....

You've got to be honest and let her know how smoking makes you feel. You have an uphill battle if you think you can make her change; she will not be able to quit until she is ready. Your nagging will only make things worse for both of you; indeed, your nagging could lead to a divorce. Instead, work on accepting her smoking (temporarily); you have control over your emotions and behaviors. Work on what is within your control.

Many women quit smoking when they become pregnant. My wife was a smoker for about 20 years before she quit when she became was pregnant. She has been a non-smoker ever since. If your horizon includes children, then the end of her smoking may be insight.

Good luck and I hope you can be patient.

GJS
 
Thanks again to all for all the great advice. I'll keep reminding her about the eCigs. I had a good talk with her and she's really trying to smoke less, at least smoke less around me.

Again, thanks to all for letting me vent a bit! That alone helped me feel a little better.
 
I myself am I smoker. I want to quit but the addiction sucks. Smoking helped ruin my last relationship that I had. We were together for a while and split up. During the breakup I started smoking. A few months later we got back together and she was so adamant about me quiting it wasn't funny. She would take my cigs and throw them out. She would yell and scream at me. The withdrawal was terrible for me. I would often sneak out for a "walk" and buy smokes and smoke on the way back home and hide them. Constantly washing my hands face and rinsing my mouth out. She would question me about it and I would deny it. She knew it all along but in the end it made her think if I'm lying about smoking what else am I hiding. I wasn't hiding anything but the thought was still in her mind. Which lead to tons of fights and us finally calling it quits for good.
 
Yeah razor, stopping has been incredibly hard for me. I'm now addicted to nicotine gums and lozenges (again).

Back in the good old days it was easier - nonsmokers just put up with it :) They're much more insistent now.
 
Don't usually post on these kinda threads but;

I think I would have to put it to her like this...
If she really loves you - why is she shortening your future together by slowly killing herself and possibly your future children?

Just a thought...
 
I've never smoked cigarettes (Larry, I'm with you on that one) but my wife does, and I don't really care, she smoked when I met her. You should talk about it, but in the end it's give and take. If she wants to smoke, you won't be the one to stop her.
 
Yeah razor, stopping has been incredibly hard for me. I'm now addicted to nicotine gums and lozenges (again).

Back in the good old days it was easier - nonsmokers just put up with it :) They're much more insistent now.

Yeah I've tried the gum too. It works for me but I cannot stand the taste of it and sometimes it makes me sick to my stomach. I hate smoking anymore. I can't stand the taste of it anymore.
 
Pol I didn't know you quit! What was your quit date? Congratulations!

I wish that if people did have to smoke, they would grow their own tobacco and not feed the evil tobacco corporations that kill and pollute. Yes I realize that is naieve, it's just that the big corporations are clearly your enemy, and I encourage people to find alternative places to spend their money. Don't feed the enemy!

You know how there are microbreweries? Is there a parallel in tobacco's case? Does Big Tobacco even allow this?

If we all stopped giving the big corporations our money, they would lose their stranglehold on the world. Find Alternatives!

That's my thought for the day.
 
Quitting is easy, I've done it lots of times.

I hadn't smoked for several years when my wife and I met and got married. She's never smoked. But somewhere along the way I fell off the wagon and started up again, then quit, and restarted, and on and on to this day (although now I don't smoke at home or anytime when we're together, which means every weekend is a withdrawal weekend).

The last round, my wife read something about higher success rates for smokers trying to quit when there's an incentive attached. Knowing my love of new gear and cymbals, she offered up a cash incentive and I started having fantasies of getting a 24" kick drum. All I had to do was quit for 6 months.

Well, I made it and got my new bass drum! Erm, except that I've sorta fallen off the wagon again... We talked about it and we decided that it was a carrot / stick approach that was missing the stick part. Now I get nothing new until I quit again.

I'm gearing up for it.
 
You know how there are microbreweries? Is there a parallel in tobacco's case? Does Big Tobacco even allow this?

I suppose the closest thing would be buying loose tobacco and rolling your own. I used to own a cigarette machine a few years back and made my own out of pre-fashioned tubes and American Spirit loose tobacco.

My girlfriend hates smoking though, I finally made the effort to stop because of her and I have respiratory problems that are aggravated by smoking. Thankfully I'm young and stopped before it became a full on addiction.

As for the OP's issue I'm not a married man but it seems the best way to deal with these issues is good old fashioned communication. Talk it over with her. If this is a healthy, loving relationship then your needs need to be taken into account also. Either that or some crazy kidnapping and hypnotherapy scheme. Either one works.
 
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