any help for a hot, fat guy....

Crikey. Thank you. I am thoroughly ashamed. Getting apostrophes right is a matter of pride for me!

I know.

I am reminded of a sign in Liverpool city centre, adjacent to a vendor of timepieces. The sign read: "Them watch's is sh*t".
 
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Dear god. Do we have to spoon-feed you?
That would be very kind; my long term ambition to be soooooooooo fat as to be lifted from my home by a fork lift seems to be being delayed as the calories I burn by feeding myself obviously slow the process. Although that and opening my own beers are the only exercise I get...
I already have a long pole wrapped at one end with a moist flannel; draw your own conclusions....
 
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