Band wives and female patrons

I will be talking to the guitarist privately, I haven't done that yet, to see what his thoughts are. He has no problem taking a stand, to his credit.
Not good Larry, at least, not in my book. Sure, canvass opinion, but if something's to be said, do so directly. The perception of "Chinese whispers" within the band is not a good starting point.
 
Andy, it would be better coming from the guitarist who has known both the wife and the singer for 30 years. I just met them 4 months ago. I just got done speaking w/ the guitarist and we are in agreement. (I called him between this post and my last post) He actually said he would talk to the wife about it, and assured me this won't happen again. I don't see how he can neutralize a womans jealousy reaction, this is bound to happen again, but he told me he would handle it.
 
Ahem. If your partner was a singer and some hot young stud started pawing at her on stage and kissed her on the lips (with no protest from your partner), would that make you feel a little weird?

Not that this justifies violent, redneck behaviour. Just saying ...

This probably will never happen......Like Terry Bozzio, I have learned to never get attached to neither an actress nor a singer. Female singers need attention - actually crave it - which is why they became singers in the first place. As far as this actually happening, when there are f three or four guys on stage with that singer, situation will probably never happen. This reminds me of a bar fight in South Dakota where one guy grabbed a member of the band and then his four bandmates jumped offstage to give " a helping hand" to the stranger. Most of the venues that I play are pretty controlled against this sort of thing anyway - off the floor staging, security (sometimes Outlaws or Hells Angels).


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This is a fun thread!!! I disagree in part with skitch where some female singers sing for attention and thats why they do it.... some are just blessed with a God-given voice and want to share it.
 
Few years back at a New Years gig at a winery (private function for bunch of rich friends of the winery owner) the leader invited women who wanted to to come onstage and dance. It was a pretty high energy night as many New Years gigs are and everybody was having fun. Some woman got up behind the male percussionist/back up singer and started the 'ol grindy hips thing (she wasn't really pressing into him, just dancing close). The guy kind of froze with this uncomfortable look on his face and didn't know what to do. The band wives were dancing in a group and my wife and the bass players wife had to physically restrain the singers wife who was ready to storm the stage and "kill that bitch" and other less polite expletives. The dancing woman backed off when the singer didn't play along and went back to her other friends on stage. No biggie. But the poor singer left the group a few months later. I don't think he's ever gotten back on a stage since.

The original keyboard player in that band's wife would come to some gigs and watch him like a hawk. While the other wives would get up and dance together, she would just sit there. Funniest thing was, there was no chance of anything to worry about. The guy was such a nerd that he was completely tongue tied if a woman said boo to him. I tried to explain to him about the value of PR. Have a friendly conversation, get their names, dedicate a song to "our new friends xxxxx...." and so on. So this bunch of slightly lit women approach the stage during a break at another high end private function and he stammers and trips all over promising to dedicate a song to them. I wish I could have videoed the whole thing to show his wife.

If folks are going to "take advantage" of situations and cheat on their spouses, there are much easier ways to go about it, with much less public fanfare. Either you trust your spouse or you don't. The old adage of not doing anything you wouldn't do if your spouse was there really counts in this day of everyone having a camera in their pocket that they can post to youtube on the spot. You might not even be the subject but pretty much everything you do these days is likely to end up in the public domain.

As for the particulars of Larry's situation. I think the singer needs to have a reasonably professional boundary. A brush, hug or dance is one thing. A kiss on the cheek from someone at the center of some party, is one thing. But in my view, he should have stopped the woman from kissing him on the mouth, wife present or not. Every entertainer needs to be prepared for hecklers, drunks and all that stuff that will happen at a show. Deflect and defuse, make a joke out of it, keep it light, make it part of the show. But keep it professional and somewhat above a drunken frat party. JMHO.
 
Tough call. I'd be quiet. Saying anything would be like a police officer showing up at a domestic disturbance. Nobody wins.
 
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Skitch, I still think you're not being objective. Women are no more competitive or possessive than men are. It's just that the nature of our competition and possession is a bit different. Personally, I'm not at all interested in competition or possession. It's up to the man to make up his mind what he wants and if he's seduced by superficial attractions, then karma will follow ... not my problem.


And a very good opinion too!
 
Skitch, I still think you're not being objective. Women are no more competitive or possessive than men are. It's just that the nature of our competition and possession is a bit different. Personally, I'm not at all interested in competition or possession. It's up to the man to make up his mind what he wants and if he's seduced by superficial attractions, then karma will follow ... not my problem.

And a very good opinion too!

Yea, competiveness isn't a gender thing, it's just the way certain folks roll. The nature of the competiton and possesion is a bit different you say. I would agree. But that conversation, lively as it would be, in the end, would just polarize things. And so it goes. The sexes must always have their own righteous territory and we will never agree on certain things!
What if everybody agreed on everything?? It would be a sience fiction movie!!
 
Jim, if the singer was in the middle of a vocal and a dancing girl took it upon herself to saunter over and cheek kiss him, how can that be his fault? And how could this have been avoided? His eyes were closed and she took him by surprise.

Larry as usual I see things in more black and white then you. My wife and I know the simple rules. Avoiding some drunk chick is way better buisness then a screaming frothing wife IMO. Oh, and I wouldnt stick my nose in other then to bust his stones about it. I wouldnt let that go for a long time. It's too good.

EDIT: In no way am I saying my outlook is superior. It's just me. Simple rules get broken too. But ya don't $hit where you eat and anywhere wifey is, is where you eat.
 
I'm sorry but the wife had every right to throw a fit. Once we marry them they get the right to tell us what other women can and can't kiss us. I'd be upset as the singer if my wife was angry. He should have yelled to security staff to get the drunk chick away from him as soon as she kissed him on the cheek. This was the singers fault for not reacting appropriately in the first place by not asking for security to put some space between this drunken woman and the band.
 
My ex hated everything I was passionate about, now whenever I want to sound super loud and angry I picture her face on the drum heads. I get compliments for my intensity and emotional playing.
 
I'm sorry but the wife had every right to throw a fit. Once we marry them they get the right to tell us what other women can and can't kiss us. I'd be upset as the singer if my wife was angry. He should have yelled to security staff to get the drunk chick away from him as soon as she kissed him on the cheek. This was the singers fault for not reacting appropriately in the first place by not asking for security to put some space between this drunken woman and the band.

Stopping the song and calling security would probably turn the audience (and venue) against the band for spoiling the party atmosphere. I think Aeolian nailed it - preventing the lip kiss without creating bad vibes:

Deflect and defuse, make a joke out of it, keep it light, make it part of the show. But keep it professional and somewhat above a drunken frat party.
 
Polly,

I didn't mean stop the song. He sould have backed up, finished the song and called to have the lady removed to a different location. Even stopping and restarting isn't that big a deal. I do believe we're talking about a bar band situation. The whole" the audience won't like it" and "the bar owner may not hire us again" is bull. Bar owners only car about one thing, the money. If you help them make it they're your best friends if you don't you're out the door. Bar owners expect some amount of difficulty that's why they have people to handle it.
 
I will say though that if the crowd are able to get close enough to kiss your friend during a song that your security must be a lot different to the security I've experienced
 
I will say though that if the crowd are able to get close enough to kiss your friend during a song that your security must be a lot different to the security I've experienced

Security? No such thing. The 50 year old woman tending bar was the security. We are our own security. I'd be happy w/ a roadie! We play right where everyone is dancing, literally within touching distance of all the equipment and personel at that particular bar. It's tight there. We are in the thick of things.
 
Larryace....I agree 100% with your frustration.... its really unfortunate the band will ultimately suffer. I have experienced a huge amount of DRAMA from the females that attend our shows, and shows of the past. It has even caused me to leave good money making gigs on the table, because the band's entourage has too much drama.
My humble opinion is to flat out tell the singer his wife is 'banned' from attending shows.
He may be super pissed, and threaten to leave the band, but guess what........its either that or it will be the demise of the group and probably dissolve it long term. Two bands in baltimore (that were on the bar circuit) I know personally have had the exact same thing happen, and they are no longer together.
Here just my observation, maybe it will help.
1. Drunk women, especially drunk, jealous women are impossible to reason with. If they complain to the bar owners, bouncers, head bartenders, about any other patron, because of their own insecurities.........they just won't book your band anymore. You will get labeled as the band "will all the drama"
2. If anyone's band wife/gf interfers with the safe, harmless good time of other paying bar patrons.....the band doesn't get another chance. Blacklisted for good.
3. If your frontman can't interact well with the crowd, the bartenders will get mad and catch shit from the paying drinkers.If your singer has to be "on their best behavior" because their significant other is in the room, it will come across as phony. Not to mention, bar patrons will say the band is arrogant and playing the rock star role. Lose/Lose situation for the band, again.
4. Let say you have jealous wives/gfs at the show. People absolutely pick up on their negative vibe. Even if they love your music, they will learn not to attend the shows because of the drama. Then the gig (and the money) go to another act.
5. I have learned personally, there is nothing more damaging to a band, its reputation, its paycheck, then women would are insecure troublemakers. Tell them to get over it...drunk women will be aggressive, playful and flirty. Band members have to be slightly flirty and friendly to everyone.....thats just the bar business....too bad not all the women attached to the band "get it" or understand the music business.
So, thanks for letting me vent. I could go on and over this one topic because its struck a nerve. I just want to contribute my 2 cents, because Ive experienced exactly the same thing. In fact, one ex singer/frontman i had the pleasure of working with actually got into a huge fistfight because of his wife. bad scene. Hope your plays out well and something positive comes of it.
 
Security? No such thing. The 50 year old woman tending bar was the security. We are our own security. I'd be happy w/ a roadie! We play right where everyone is dancing, literally within touching distance of all the equipment and personel at that particular bar. It's tight there. We are in the thick of things.

This is where monitor wedges are your friends. Those gigs in small resturants/bars where you are essentially on the floor, I always try to establish some sort of defensive perimeter around the band. Floor wedges, guitarists pedal boards, cables (taped down with gaff tape) mic stands, whatever. The psychological effect of the "barrier" keeps some folks away and gives you time to react when others "cross the line". "Hey everyone, lets hear it for the birthday girl!" as you spin her around to the audience. "Oh, it's not your birthday, I though you just turned 21!" as you push her back into the crowd and pick up where you were.

Even in fairly small places I've played where there is the most infinitesimal of stages, the club has a rule that only band members are allowed "on the stage". The bouncer/bartender/door person will tell the drunk that it's because of insurance reasons. What they really don't want is some drunk shouting into the mics or having the band come after them for broken equipment.

The worst part about such places is that they always seem to assume that a drumset is diamond shaped in footprint and shove you into a corner. In reality a drumset has a basically rectangular footprint with a hi hat on one side and floor tom on the other. So you're always banging your elbows into the walls behind you. Then some bright light decides to carpet that corner to "help the sound" and your snare sounds like a 60's Montgomery Wards catalog toy as you beat it to death trying to hear it. Okay, small bar rant off. Most of us have to play in such places.
 
Have the hot chick removed? Really?

I'd pay for her drinks the rest of the night and tell her next time bring your hot friends.
 
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