Anyone else feel like this?

Spiney

Member
I've been playing off and on for 40 years. I've got the Gig for every band I ever auditioned for with one exception. Yet I always feel inferior to the other members of the group. Right now we have a guitar, bass, keys, singer, and probably just added a sax. Some of them have toured, played bigger venues than me. When they all start talking about what key a certain song is in, or transposing etc I feel like much less of a musician.

Now some of this, probably a big part is my own crap. I don't have tremendous self esteem. and some of it is I don't feel I have the chops they have. I had a particularly bad practice two weeks ago where I had gone 3 nights without sleep and I just sucked. I felt like I had 2 right arms ( I'm a lefty ) and felt so sluggish. That didn't help my state of mind.

And some of it is, I haven't really read a chart since high school, 30 years ago. So I plan on either buying a course or taking lessons again.

I also have an issue where I hadn't played in 5 years because of two back surgeries in one year. So I was not only rusty, but I'm working through pain and stamina issues. For that besides practicing the only fix I can think of is to hit the gym, which I will do.

I talked to the founder of the group and he told me he is fine with me. He said just keep practicing and working. I told him I felt inferior to the others. He said working with better musicians is the best way to get better. When I see him and another member of the group talking off by themselves, I think they are talking about me. And to set the record straight all of the others members are great guys. That's one of the best parts of the band. We are all on a friendly basis with one exception. He's not unfriendly he's just plays everything close to the vest and is pretty private. He also has the most experience touring etc. He's the one I feel is most critical of my playing.

I know this may all sound silly, but I couldn't really think of a better place to post such a question than with a group of my peers. It's embarrassing because this is coming from a 49 year old, not someone facing his first gig. So anyone else ever feel like this? How do you overcome it besides therapy ;) I need to get past this because it takes all of the joy out of playing. Thanks, Spiney
 
I've been playing off and on for 40 years. I've got the Gig for every band I ever auditioned for with one exception. Yet I always feel inferior to the other members of the group. Right now we have a guitar, bass, keys, singer, and probably just added a sax. Some of them have toured, played bigger venues than me. When they all start talking about what key a certain song is in, or transposing etc I feel like much less of a musician.

Now some of this, probably a big part is my own crap. I don't have tremendous self esteem. and some of it is I don't feel I have the chops they have. I had a particularly bad practice two weeks ago where I had gone 3 nights without sleep and I just sucked. I felt like I had 2 right arms ( I'm a lefty ) and felt so sluggish. That didn't help my state of mind.

And some of it is, I haven't really read a chart since high school, 30 years ago. So I plan on either buying a course or taking lessons again.

I also have an issue where I hadn't played in 5 years because of two back surgeries in one year. So I was not only rusty, but I'm working through pain and stamina issues. For that besides practicing the only fix I can think of is to hit the gym, which I will do.

I talked to the founder of the group and he told me he is fine with me. He said just keep practicing and working. I told him I felt inferior to the others. He said working with better musicians is the best way to get better. When I see him and another member of the group talking off by themselves, I think they are talking about me. And to set the record straight all of the others members are great guys. That's one of the best parts of the band. We are all on a friendly basis with one exception. He's not unfriendly he's just plays everything close to the vest and is pretty private. He also has the most experience touring etc. He's the one I feel is most critical of my playing.

I know this may all sound silly, but I couldn't really think of a better place to post such a question than with a group of my peers. It's embarrassing because this is coming from a 49 year old, not someone facing his first gig. So anyone else ever feel like this? How do you overcome it besides therapy ;) I need to get past this because it takes all of the joy out of playing. Thanks, Spiney

Spiney, my first thought is to do whatever you can to help the others play and sound even better. Be a good support player. You sound like a nice guy without attitude who would probably take that approach anyway.

So if you're wondering why they are happy with you, part of the reason may be that you're low maintenance - no attitude, no demands, no tantrums, no showing off etc.

One time I did a fill-in with a group (they were desperate for someone to play drums) during a songwriting session. They were far more accomplished than me. I didn't want to flubb so I played it dead simple and safe. The bassist was a beast, whizzing around all over the place. After the session he complimented on my drumming and said he'd be happy to jam anytime. It was like sitting and listening to someone talk for half and hour and then being told you're a good conversationalist ... cool :)
 
...

Spiney, I think you are seeing ghosts where there are none, bro.

It is your own lack of self worth that is creating this stressful musical environment for you. Be open, enjoy the music, practice and try and get better, play with better musicians, play with guys who are fundamentally nice and secure.. that is good all round advice for everyone, not just you.

And they like you too!! Thats the hard part dude ; )... for me anyways...


good luck and snap out of it.

...
 
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When they all start talking about what key a certain song is in, or transposing etc I feel like much less of a musician.

I only just found out what transposing meant on Thursday last week.

I also went through a similar patch, and still occasionally do, I did all the same things, "they're talking about my mistakes", "they're all better at their instruments than me".
However the band as a really good atmosphere and it was all in my head, rather than let it get to me I try to turn into motivation to get better. I can't play a kit in my place anymore so it's pad work every day with extra sessions in the bands rehearsal space, just by myself. Personally I've noticed a difference recently but it all came together recently at a gig we had, we were all very happy with the bands performance.

Don't get down about it, you identified a lack of self esteem, which can/is translated into lack of confidence behind the kit and in band situations. So now you know what you need to fix it and you've already taken steps. You should be feeling pretty happy and upbeat.
 
Spiney, I think you are giving yourself a hard time. Take a look at your post, there is a moment you talk of a bad practice after 2 days without sleep. What did you expect?

With all due respect I think you need to chill. Otherwise you may convince yourself out of a gig.
 
Really wouldn't worry about it, if you started talking about Ratamacues and Flam Paradiddles they wouldn't know what you were on about but there's only 1 drummer so the discussion doesn't come up between 2 people.
I recently joined a new band and they used a top, top session drummer to record some tracks and I'm struggling to do some of what he plays, the same night I'd been trying I also went to an open mic night and one of the drummers who's a young guy and is absolutely brilliant was there, even the other teachers at the drum shop he works in are in awe of him.
The combination of the 2 on the same day throughly depressed me and made me feel like giving up but then I remebered what someone had said to me, however good a drummer you are there's always someone better out there !!!
I think most of the other muso's are more interested in a good solid drummer who can keep time and importantly get's on with the other band members and you can probably rank that way above tecnical ability which actually makes you a better drummer :)
Go and enjoy, that'll also make you play a lot better as well !!!
 
Spiney, the band I play with is composed of musicians who are far more "capable" than I, still don't know why the vocalist even bothers with the rest of us..HOWEVER, that is much better than playing with a group of people who are NOT as capable as you...drive you crazy after a while. Obviously the group feels you fit in and you must be supporting their skills.

I agree with going back and "relearning" some of the reading skills and a little music theory (never stop learning) but it is what you bring to the kit that truly supports the rest of the band.

Buck up and relax...ENJOY the fact that you get to play with an accomplished group of musicians...majority of folks here on DW would trade with you in an instant!
 
Spiney, you're assuming that they are talking about you. Since when do other musicians focus on the drummer? It's all about them. I think you're suffering catastrophies without any real basis.
 
Spiney, I'm the same age as you, but I took 25 years out, not 5. I came back more rusty than a 70's Fiat, & I play with some quite talented guys who are often critical of my playing, as well as their own. I have a spinal tumor that constantly makes it's presence felt at the worst possible moments. Despite this, I get on with it. My band would soon let me know if they wanted me out or felt I didn't make the grade. Sounds like your band would be equally frank with you. As Abe said, I think you're seeing ghosts. I'd work on the assumption that you'd be down the road by now if they weren't happy with you as part of the team. Lift your chin up & your playing will lift too. Your performance is often more to do with attitude & approch than outright ability. Don't believe your self assessment.
 
The mind.is a really strange bird!!!...Id say untill they tell ya to pack your kit up,you got it all wrong.You sound like a great dude to have in the band...Dont let your brain suck the life out of playing...For me if its not fun.than whats the point................,you didnt sleep than sucked behind the kit????????............DUH!!!.ya think?????..Dont beat yourself up.And get some rest man!!!!
 
I've been playing off and on for 40 years. I've got the Gig for every band I ever auditioned for with one exception. Yet I always feel inferior to the other members of the group. Right now we have a guitar, bass, keys, singer, and probably just added a sax. Some of them have toured, played bigger venues than me. When they all start talking about what key a certain song is in, or transposing etc I feel like much less of a musician.

Now some of this, probably a big part is my own crap. I don't have tremendous self esteem. and some of it is I don't feel I have the chops they have. I had a particularly bad practice two weeks ago where I had gone 3 nights without sleep and I just sucked. I felt like I had 2 right arms ( I'm a lefty ) and felt so sluggish. That didn't help my state of mind.

And some of it is, I haven't really read a chart since high school, 30 years ago. So I plan on either buying a course or taking lessons again.

I also have an issue where I hadn't played in 5 years because of two back surgeries in one year. So I was not only rusty, but I'm working through pain and stamina issues. For that besides practicing the only fix I can think of is to hit the gym, which I will do.

I talked to the founder of the group and he told me he is fine with me. He said just keep practicing and working. I told him I felt inferior to the others. He said working with better musicians is the best way to get better. When I see him and another member of the group talking off by themselves, I think they are talking about me. And to set the record straight all of the others members are great guys. That's one of the best parts of the band. We are all on a friendly basis with one exception. He's not unfriendly he's just plays everything close to the vest and is pretty private. He also has the most experience touring etc. He's the one I feel is most critical of my playing.

I know this may all sound silly, but I couldn't really think of a better place to post such a question than with a group of my peers. It's embarrassing because this is coming from a 49 year old, not someone facing his first gig. So anyone else ever feel like this? How do you overcome it besides therapy ;) I need to get past this because it takes all of the joy out of playing. Thanks, Spiney


Repeat after me...

"I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and dog-gone it, people like me."
(Stuart Smalley in Saturday Night Live, catchphrase)
 
Repeat after me...

"I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and dog-gone it, people like me."
(Stuart Smalley in Saturday Night Live, catchphrase)

Yes and now he's a Congressman or Senator. Thanks for the feedback. Last practice went much better when I took care of myself and forced myself to rest plenty before the practice. When I get into insomnia bouts, there is nothing I can do, just happened to me last night. Despite everything I was up all night. I posted that message around 4am.

A lot of my self esteem was lost when I had the two back surgeries in one year. My wife and I owned and operated a Photo Studio for 15 years. Besides music, that was my big creative outlet and dream job. We had a great studio that also doubled as a practice place. My 2nd surgery was a failure that has left me in constant pain. I've been to every Dr, pain management specialists you name it. Main Stream and Alternative. The pain keeps me awake most nights. It got bad enough that we had to close the studio. I tried working for 5 years after the surgery and just couldn't put in the 60-70 hours a week it took. I also quit the group I was in at that same time because I couldn't keep up and also would get nerve spasms that would make my arm or leg go dead, out of no-where. I would also have so much pain in my hands I couldn't hold the sticks. I used to actually tape them to my hands.

In the past year I finally met up with a medical massage therapist who said he could help me. He's from Romania and he's been a God-send. In Romania he was a Chiropractor and a medical massage therapist, but his Chiropractic license isn't recognized in the U.S. He told me with deep, heavy therapy he could really improve my life. And he has, to the point where I decided to try playing again. Up until January my kit was in storage for 5 years. I didn't play one note. So I've come a long way. When I first met up with him, I was in so much pain I couldn't stand, sit, drive in any one position for more than 10-15 minutes. That was last fall. I see him once a week. It's not covered by insurance, it's all out of pocket. If I could afford it I would see him before each practice and every gig. It makes such a big difference for me. But it's $55 for 1/2 hour.

I've outright asked the founder of the band if he had any issues with me. He said he had no issues that practice and time won't fix. I wanted to know so I could get past this, and I also want to sell my current kit and buy a new one. I didn't want to do that, and find myself without a gig. He started this group as His idea of a band, after playing for many years with others. His initial AD was for a fun cover band looking for easy going guys or gals with no Drama. He passed on some great vocalist and KB players because in his mind he knew they were going to be a PITA.

This Gig for me is as good as it gets. We are all adults with jobs, families, and commitments. So we practice 1x a week and plan on playing out 2x a month. There is no illusion of stardom, touring, etc. There's no drugs or heavy drinking issues. We have a permanent practice space so I don't have to haul my kit back and forth every week. We don't practice or play at ear-splitting volume. There are no huge ego's so far. And except for one person we are all on the same page as the music we want to play. We are basically a Fun, Dance-able, mostly oldies band in the vein of The Commitments / Blues Brothers. It's as close to ideal as I'm going to get. We are also moving quickly to get out of the practice space and get gigs, not rehearse for 2 years before we even think about gigging. The core 3, guitar, bass, and myself hit it off from the 1st night. It was as we added the more pro KB and Sax player my insecurities crept in.

I do fit in. I'm low maintenance, there when they need me, and not making lots of noise when everyones trying to figure out a part. I've been complimented by the guitar player because I have dynamics and don't just pound everything as loud and as fast as possible. I've always thought of myself as solid and reliable, but not fast, furious, or fancy. That's even after my longest gig was 4 years in an Alternative / Punk band that played from MD to NYC and everywhere in between. We even played CBGB's.

I do have limits right now that bother me, I can't play the fast fills of a Green Day or Rush song. I grew up playing KISS, wanting to be Peter Criss and also my claim to fame was being able to play the album version of In da Gadda da Vida.

Also because I'm on pain killers for the back pain, drinking a beer to take off the edge is totally out of the question, I'd be on the floor after one. So I lost that option. I crashed a hang glider way back when and have been paying for it ever since.

Thank you for the feedback, I know I'm my own worst enemy. And I know the steps I can take to fix some of the insecurities. Take a course or lessons, hit the gym for strength and stamina, and talk things out to check out if the Ghosts are real. We also just made a big investment in hopefully battling the insomnia. We bought a sleep number bed with an adjustable frame to be able to raise the head and feet. I have my back issues and my wife has daily migraines. She was recently in the hospital for a week and they let me stay in the room in a hospital bed. When I had the adjustable hospital bed I slept like a rock and took 1/2 the pain pills. So we bit the bullet after looking for 2 years and bought the sleep number bed.

One last thing. Maybe some of the older players can relate, but one of the things that eats at me is having trouble playing songs or styles at 49, that you could do in your sleep at 21. Thanks again, Spiney-Dave
 
Great post, Dave and I hope things only go better for you. More power to the Romanian Chiropracter!!!

the things that eats at me is having trouble playing songs or styles at 49, that you could do in your sleep at 21.

Would you still want to?

...
 
. My 2nd surgery was a failure that has left me in constant pain. I've been to every Dr, pain management specialists you name it. Main Stream and Alternative. The pain keeps me awake most nights. It got bad enough that we had to close the studio. I tried working for 5 years after the surgery and just couldn't put in the 60-70 hours a week it took. I also quit the group I was in at that same time because I couldn't keep up and also would get nerve spasms that would make my arm or leg go dead, out of no-where. I would also have so much pain in my hands I couldn't hold the sticks. I used to actually tape them to my hands.

One last thing. Maybe some of the older players can relate, but one of the things that eats at me is having trouble playing songs or styles at 49, that you could do in your sleep at 21. Thanks again, Spiney-Dave
Dave, you pretty much mirror my journey, except for your attitude. As in my earlier post, I gave up drumming for 25 years (nothing to do with back problems) and have constant issues due to my spinal tumor. There's no therapy known to man that can help me, and I will eventually lose the use of my legs. On top of that, I had terrible heart electrical conduction problems four years ago. Resulted in me flatlining seven times & getting hit with the paddles. Oh boy, is that a wakeup call! It's actually my health issues that brought me back to drumming. Part of my 1 finger up attitude to challenges. I play and do many things against the advice of my doctors. If I'd taken their advice, I would have sat in a corner and let it all wash over me. I doubt I'd still be here now.

So where's the message in my post? You've already got over the biggest challenge, taking up the drums again. Ok, so you've got some disfunction that randomly causes playing difficulties. Welcome to the club. I live with acute pain 24/7, & my legs regularly give up (thankfully, only one at a time so I can still left pedal the kick to get out of trouble). I don't manage it with drugs, I manage it with attitude. The greater the pain, the more I fight. I will not let that little bastard in my back get the better of me. I'm out there playing reasonably high energy stuff and enjoying every minute of it, despite the pain. My heart also plays up big time for a couple of days after each gig. It probably isn't doing me any good, but I'd rather go down having high points in my life than slipping away in a pit of my own depression. There is absolutely no room for self doubt in my life. I have no time for it, it can only be destructive, I won't let it in. Nor should you.

As for playing stuff I did when I was 21, sure, you're older (we're both 49), so the physical prowess is reduced, but it's replaced by feel, reserve, dynamics, musicality, interpretation & a host of other qualities that transcend chops & stamina. You're in a good place. You have supportive bandmates. They value your input. Self doubt will only draw attention to any downsides you perceive in yourself. You'll react to self doubt, they'll see that, and you'll find yourself in ever decreasing circles of negative vibes & results. Take the opposite road. Big yourself up, shout down your challenges, get real with the fact there's others out there cutting it despite their often greater challenges.

Good luck Dave, although luck isn't what you need. You make your own luck.
 
Re: Anyone else feel like this? Had a much better Practice

Thanks again for your replies, encouragement, and slap into reality. I went into practice tonight rested and with a different outlook. Practice went well, and I notice that I'm not the only one making mistakes. So hopefully I'll keep riding that wave and progressing. For me the biggest thing is being well rested. It means so much for the mind and body. And also not to eat heavy before practice. Besides those two the Biggest part is my mindset and attitude. One other thing that really made a difference for me is I played relaxed. I wasn't overly gripping the sticks, kept my muscles loose, and didn't rush any of the fills. The one area I still have to watch is if while playing a steady beat if I go up into my head, instead of just flowing with the music, I can loose the beat. I'll keep you posted. Spiney
 
Honestly, I feel like this sometimes. I just feel like I have the least experience, and that nothing I do is going to be good enough. Musically, I'm the second-most inspiring and creative in the band, always coming up with new concepts and things to try out, so I don't get what I'm worried about.

It's just something you need to sort out in your own head. Look back at your accomplishments, and work you've done. You'll be impressed =)
 
Thanks ThatguyKalem, your the first responder that shared the feeling. But you also realize that it's not true. you have been a major contributor to the group. I know I'm contributing more than I realize because the organizer of the band is always asking me what I think about this or that. So if nothing else he trusts my input. I found tonight when I went with a better mindset, I really enjoyed the practice and playing, instead of fearing the next big fill etc. Thanks for the reply and the input.
 
Being 23 and in two full-time bands that practice and perform live constantly, I have come to the conclusion that if you don't mess up at practice, you'll probably fudge something big time when you're on stage, hahaha. When it comes to how you feel around your band mates, however--I can't really say much more than has already been said. I agree with just about everyone here, that your mind is turning itself against you. I know it's sounding redundant to you by now, but snap out of it! Hahaha. Be confident.

Good drummers are a rare breed. You can find a guitarist that can shred around just about every corner, or a bassist that can slap, or a singer than can belt it out like Steve Perry... but good drummers? We're like Marines--the few, the proud. Often outnumbered 4 to 1 (in my case 8 to 1, haha) we are the manifestation of structure and groove, we are the work horses, the lone rangers. This is starting to sound like a freakin' epic speech in some movie... I'll stop now.

In one of my bands, everyone is 10+ years older than me. Two of my band mates have extensive touring experience with world-famous bands. Between the two of them, they have 20 years of experience writing, recording, performing, and touring the world. Compared to them, I'm nothing in terms of connections, dues paid, or knowledge. And they mess up at least a few times every practice, 3 times a week, just like the rest of us. That ALWAYS makes me smile, hahaha.

It's all good. YOU GOT THIS!
 
Got it Capt Ziltoid, love to know the origin of that name? Like those in a program, I hit bottom and have bounced back pretty good. Ready to rock and roll. Now I have to sell some stuff and get that Fab-4 kit I've been wanting. Spiney
 
Thanks ThatguyKalem, your the first responder that shared the feeling. But you also realize that it's not true. you have been a major contributor to the group. I know I'm contributing more than I realize because the organizer of the band is always asking me what I think about this or that. So if nothing else he trusts my input. I found tonight when I went with a better mindset, I really enjoyed the practice and playing, instead of fearing the next big fill etc. Thanks for the reply and the input.

Nah, it's okay, man, I love helping people out =)

One of the things that brought me back was looking at the band as a group, and assigning everyone a certain role in context with a live performance.

For example, in my band:

Guitarist 1 - The introverted guy, making everybody focus on the sound and feel, instead of the spectacle.
Guitarist 2 - The technical, serious, creative guy, freaking everyone out with his insane fingering.
Bassist - The relaxed guy, who brings a sense of calm and fun to the performance.
Drummer (me) - The insane, charismatic guy, who gets the crowd hyped up and has a great time on stage.

Everybody in the band has their place, and that's something you always have to remember. If you weren't good enough for the band, or the other members weren't happy with you, they wouldn't be having a good time, and they'd be visibly annoyed with the way you were playing.

I'm glad the problem's solved, though. If you ever have any more problems, feel free to throw me a PM =)
 
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