Need advice - quitting a band that I'm the co-founder of

JosephDAqui

Silver Member
Guys, don't know if any of you have been through this, but some advice is certainly needed. For the most part I have the emotional sensitivity of "Dirty Harry" from the Enforcer - that's not always a good thing... :)

Anyway, I co-founded this original band and took care of the website (i created it), digital booklets, FB, artwork, mastering, and etc., etc. - you get the idea.

Well after 5 years and two albums of hard work, our turnout at shows is low - only friends or family, no fans. Our only fans are from internet radio - abroad or out of state (We are in New Jersey). Now they want to do a 3rd album. Oh, and BTW, I put up the money for CD duplication, the website, and USB wafer duplication and they took their time in paying me back.

I'm very proud of what we made, but it's time to bail, it's costing a lot of money and there's no return. I just got the nod from an incredible metal band who called me - I'm taking it.

Now, how do I get out of this nicely, especially with the founder - he's a great friend and "brother from another mother", but I'm just done.

Any advice would be helpful - like i said, I'm no good at the "feely" stuff.
 
You could do the metal band, and tell the other guys that it's their turn to run the show. Show up and record. What if they did it without you and it turned out great...you may kick yourself.
 
All things end and almost always end badly. Show them the books. Explain that no business (and it is business) can operate in the red in perpetuity. You are all adults.
 
Other than Larryace's alternative, honesty is always the best/easiest policy. Basically, tell them exactly what you wrote in your post. Who wouldn't understand that?
 
To me this is tough but beating around the bush or delaying the inevitable makes it worse. Find a date, send a letter to all and inform them that you are leaving, but first tell them all in person. Short and sweet, you want other things, this is causing financial burden, and leave it at that.
 
You could do the metal band, and tell the other guys that it's their turn to run the show. Show up and record. What if they did it without you and it turned out great...you may kick yourself.

That's an interesting take, and I just might do it. I really hope things turn out great for them without me, I hopethey break even some day.

For me. it's not about money or anything material. It's about playing music for people who like it - to actually have an audience, not just your friends and family.
 
To me this is tough but beating around the bush or delaying the inevitable makes it worse. Find a date, send a letter to all and inform them that you are leaving, but first tell them all in person. Short and sweet, you want other things, this is causing financial burden, and leave it at that.

Thanks for the good advice so far guys. I'm starting to lean towards GruntersDad's advise - setting a date, tell in person and write a professional letter.
 
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Yup, setting a date is a good idea.

If you really want to rip the band-aide off, just call each person individually today, and sleep better tonight. I'd end with something like, "I want to see you guys keep going!"

You may be amazed at how well other musicians respect honesty. I know I do, even when it's info I don't want to hear.
 
I completely understand what you mean about the audience. My pleasure comes less from the act of playing the drums and more from seeing an audience enjoy themselves. As long as I'm not being ripped off by the pub then it's irrelevant whether or not they're paying at the bottom or top end of the going rate.

In terms of your dilemma, not much to add. Your reasons are very well put forward and understandable. If it was me I'd omit the parts about putting the money up, that might lead to raised voices or might lead to them calling your bluff and saying if that's the only issue then they'll put the money up this time. What it boils down to is a lot of work and effort with no tangible results in terms of an audience, no one can be expected to keep grinding out gigs and albums for such little reward. As band splits go this is one of the most amicable and least fraught I've ever read about.
 
I've seen lots of bands just dial it back when they still like the music and friends but don't have time or want to commit to other things.

See if they're game to do a once a month practice and a few gigs per year? The other benefit to few gigs is that often you can get more people to come to them all since they aren't burned out on your constant "hey, so there's a gig next week!" announcements.

But if you don't want that, then I think you'll just have to be the guy who steps out. Expect and encourage them to get another drummer and move forward!
 
Any advice would be helpful - like i said, I'm no good at the "feely" stuff.

In a very real sense, this band is the platform upon which you have built your reputation, and the COLLECTIVE effort -- not just yours -- has helped you to get the attention of another project. So, any and all communication toward the band should start with a sincere and honest "thank you". Anything less, and you're being a d**k. You don't need to mention that you've worked harder than others (even if you feel it's true), or how much you've invested relative to others. You just need to say thank you, and, for the time being, goodbye, not to the friendship, but to the act of making music together.

Just because you're walking away, doesn't mean you have to hold up your middle finger while doing it.
 
In a very real sense, this band is the platform upon which you have built your reputation, and the COLLECTIVE effort -- not just yours -- has helped you to get the attention of another project. So, any and all communication toward the band should start with a sincere and honest "thank you". Anything less, and you're being a d**k. You don't need to mention that you've worked harder than others (even if you feel it's true), or how much you've invested relative to others. You just need to say thank you, and, for the time being, goodbye, not to the friendship, but to the act of making music together.

Just because you're walking away, doesn't mean you have to hold up your middle finger while doing it.

Excellent advice - thank you.That was my intention, just to say thanks and not bring up anything negative - the facts speak for themselves and I don't need to remind anyone or bring up the fact that there are no local fans.

Thanks again, this is how I will make the face-to-face meeting.
 
Wouldn't it be interesting if some of them were on other forums, or talking to other friends, about how to quit, too?

But if the opposite is true, and some push you to stay, be ready to stand your ground, without being a d**k, as some have already said.

My strangest band-quitting experience was when I called the singer to quit. I just said that it wasn't working out, and didn't mention my frustration of his inclination to set 2:00pm rehearsals, when he doesn't like to get up before 5:00pm, and he always complained as if I were the one forcing him.

Anyway, when I told him that I was quitting, he got really concerned. "No, please don't quit. Give it some time. It's only been a few weeks. Being in a new band is like dating a new woman. You have to take your time, get over some road bumps, figure each other out. When you let it all go and put forth your best, you'll be surprised at what can come your way. Great things will happen with us.

I gave in and said I'd stay.

Two hours later, he called to "fire" me because "it wasn't working out."

Fragile egos, I swear.
 
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Wouldn't it be interesting if some of them were on other forums, or talking to other friends, about how to quit, too?

But if the opposite is true, and some push you to stay, be ready to stand your ground, without being a d**k, as some have already said.

My strangest band-quitting experience was when I called the singer to quit. I just said that it wasn't working out, and didn't mention my frustration of his inclination to set 2:00pm rehearsals, when he doesn't like to get up before 5:00pm, and he always complained as if I were the one forcing him.

Anyway, when I told him that I was quitting, he got really concerned. "No, please don't quit. Give it some time. It's only been a few weeks. Being in a new band is like dating a new woman. You have to take your time, get over some road bumps, figure each other out. When you let it all go and put forth your best, you'll be surprised at what can come your way. Great things will happen with us.

I gave in and said I'd stay.

Two hours later, he called to "fire" me because "it wasn't working out."

Fragile egos, I swear.

Wow! Really??? I've heard about some headcases in the past from other musicians I know, but I never heard of that one. Holy crap... Thanks for sharing, my task doesn't seem so difficult anymore.
 
That's an interesting take, and I just might do it. I really hope things turn out great for them without me, I hopethey break even some day.

For me. it's not about money or anything material. It's about playing music for people who like it - to actually have an audience, not just your friends and family.

I only said that because it's an original band. Don't want to be a form of Pete Best.
 
If you feel its over for you then its over. Just be honest with your mate, and tell him how you feel. Its not about being feely its about being honest, most people are OK with honesty, especially good friends. Tell him how it is.
 
I agree that being up front is the way to go. I would offer to play all gigs already booked and fill in if I could until the new drummer is online.

Keeping things civil could pay off in the long run...the music biz can be a small world.
 
I agree that being up front is the way to go. I would offer to play all gigs already booked and fill in if I could until the new drummer is online.

Keeping things civil could pay off in the long run...the music biz can be a small world.

Well, it's done and I did exactly that - told them I will help out until the new drummer is in the band and offered to help find him/her.

Just like in most situations - honesty is the best policy and they completely understood.

If anyone on this forum is interested in joining an original rock/funk band in NJ, check out http://lion-hearted.us/ and let me know and provide links to your playing. If it's good, I'll forward your information.
 
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