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Old 09-29-2011, 06:48 PM
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caddywumpus caddywumpus is offline
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Portland, OR USA
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Default Re: Moral Dilemma: What would you do?

Originally Posted by aaajn View Post
CW, What would you do if you were returning, would you even ask for the gig back?

Seems an odd expectation that you would "hold" the spot until he got back. Very interested in hearing how it turns out.
Originally Posted by Evilbagua View Post
acquaintance or good friend? Did they inform you they'd be back and wanting it when they would be in a few months? Do they know you quit another band?

If it was me and I was not told it would be temporary I'd say no.
He moved to the new city with his wife and kid. He came back after about 4 months because his wife didn't like it there, and she wanted to move back. He was fully intending on going there for the long haul, and never expected to be coming back, especially so soon. So, no, he didn't give the gig to me with a rubber band attached. And, if I were to be in his same situation, I would probably ask as well, in the off chance that the new player isn't liking the group or whatever.

Originally Posted by DrumEatDrum View Post

Instinct say it's yours, not his, too bad for him. But I also know in my heart, I would have a hard time saying that.

Have you discussed this with the band leader? It seems the decision is not 100% between you and him.
It sounds like you understand my "tug". He's not a close friend, but we've been buddies since college. We call each other maybe once a year, and it's always good to hear from each other, and so on. He's definitely somebody I respect and care about, and asking for the gig back shows that he really liked the group. He actually called the band leader right before calling me, and the band leader told him to work it out between the two of us. Solid leading there.

Originally Posted by keep it simple View Post
Pretty clear Caddy. Agree with all advice thus far. It's his issue, not yours, & the new band has a stake in this too. To clarify your position, I suggest having a chat with your new band first. Tell them the situation, & ask them honestly, if given the choice, who would they prefer to have. That's a difficult question for them to answer, so you should be able to get quite a bit of info from their reaction. Use that as your baseline, & take it from there. Good luck!
The band went out to a pub and had a "business discussion" about it. They like us both, and they agree that the situation is awkward. I was watching for their "micro expressions" as we talked, and they seemed legit. We had a pretty intense talk for a bit. I told them that if they had any preference of him over me, that now's their chance to speak up, and I wouldn't hold it against anyone, but I would seriously like to know as it would probably help influence my decision. I got a couple of "we actually like you better"s from that talk. I think the decision is pretty clear cut, true, and 100% of the people I've talked with have agreed. I just feel conflicted about saying no, like I'm being a tool or something. I dunno. I guess it's the "people pleaser" in me.

Thanks for the replies. I'll keep you updated as things progress...
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