Originally Posted by wy yung
The worst kind of snakes and sharks are people though. At least that is what I found.
And that's the core of the issue right there!
I could bore you with my life influences, from Liverpool dock road orphanage upbringing, to having paramedics defribulate me in front of my son, & everything inbetween, but non of that will make a tiny bit of difference. No amount of story telling or quack sessions will help, the truth is, you don't need help, you need positive personal experiences to steer your future. You've spent your latter life fighting against what your inner self tells you is reality, then being surprised when you revert to default mode.
I'm truly blessed in my life. Despite all my challenges, I've ended up with a close group of people who truly think of me before themselves. I've just lost two of them, my adopted mother & father,
You're used to defending yourself, & trust nobody else to do that for you. You've never had anyone acting selflessly in your best interests. Nor did I, until I started my life take 2.
You're not a freak or outcast. You care about others, otherwise you wouldn't post this thread, or teach, or bother to pass on your knowledge. Equally, you care about what others think of you too, otherwise you wouldn't have celebrated that compliment with a bottle of wine, or bothered to offer some explanation here. As I said in a recent post to you, I'd rather accept your direct manner than BS delivered with a smile.
Letting go of the past is impossible, don't even try to go there, It'll only leave you confused. At least you know who you are, and why you react in a certain way. You will always be most comfortable in your own company, but that doesn't mean you can't be comfortable in the company of others. You don't need the structure of teacher - pupil to engineer that.
You say things as you see them. Partially because you believe social graces get you nowhere, & partially because you believe you are beyond harm. You've been assaulted, beaten, abused, plus you have the skills to defend yourself from physical attack. You think you're pretty bomb proof because of these things, but you're not. I can sense that longing for vulnerability, to open your heart just a little, but the historical defence shield remains in place. It always will, but think in terms of lowering the draw bridge a little from time to time. You'll never be that social butterfly you described, but you just might achieve balance.
I hope something truly wonderful wanders into your life, & that you're open enough not to see it as yet another threat. At some stage, the opportunity will come to let someone get closer to you than feel comfortable with. That will be the defining point in the rest of your life, & your choices at that time will require far greater bravery than anything you've faced before.
As always Wy, I wish you well in your journey, Andy.