How to write a music ad
I like checking out the musician wanted ads in the local alternative weekly paper because some are just hilarious. I have written some and responded to others over the years.
Here is my guide:
1. Start by saying you’re professional and experienced. Even if (especially if) you’re a diaper punk with a FirstAct instrument.
2. Remember, your friends and former bandmates will read this, so use it to bolster your street cred.
3. The cover vs. original band issue is crucial. No one wants to admit they’re in a cover band, but it’s the only way to earn a living for most musicians. Finesse it as best you can.
4. Always ask for a cellist. It’ll make you seem pretty avant-garde, but there are never any in town so you won’t need to worry about actually having to play with one.
5. Say you need people with the right “look” and “attitude,” like tattoos and a nose-to-anus chain piercing.
6. Under influences, mention the most obscure bands possible. Make names up if you want, since no one will have heard of them anyway. A common made-up band name is Sunny Day Real Estate.
7. Always specify that you need people who actually have instruments and a way to move them around.
8. Say you need people with a professional attitude, but always give a goofy contact name.
Experienced multi-instrumentalist ISO cello, bass and drums for original New Age death metal cover band. Must have several tribal bicep tats and large drum set with symbols. Influences: Banghammer 12, Spunkmuffin 17, The Breast Augmenters, Descended Testicle, Putrid Smell, Satan’s Chum, Sunny Day Real Estate. Must have own gear and transportation and a professional attitude. Call Shorty or Biff at 123-4567.