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Old 06-11-2013, 10:50 PM
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Anduin Anduin is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,187
Default Re: The best of Craigslist

I almost want to answer this one just to meet these guys. Not sure why, but I found this ad hilarious.


Metal band looking for drummer who doesn't suck

Q: What's the difference between Bigfoot and a drummer who isn't a fucktard?
A: Some people claim to have seen Bigfoot.

Seriously, why do so many of you drummers live up to the stereotypes? There's gotta be a drummer out there who can actually show up for rehearsal on time, sober, and knowing the material. Is that really so much to ask?

We are an established industrial metal band with six albums under our belts, and working on another. We have toured coast-to-coast, and plan on doing so again. So we're not exactly screwing around, here. Granted, we don't expect to ever be able to make money doing this. I mean, come on; industrial metal? Are you kidding me? The only people who listen to that crap are people in other industrial metal bands. We know this. But we still take this reasonably seriously.

Our influences include: Fear Factory, In Flames, Nine Inch Nails, and Blue Stahli. This means we have electronics. You'll need to play along with them. To a click. If that's a problem for you, then don't respond to this ad. And definitely don't claim that it's not a problem and then, three weeks later, tell us we should get rid of the synths and play the blues, instead.

Sometimes we play in time signatures other than 4/4. You need to be able to do that, too. Don't claim that you can and then not be able to pull it off. 7/4 really isn't that difficult. If you've ever used the phrase, "I just wanna feel it, man," then please just go back to jamming along to AC/DC albums in your mom's basement.

We like homework. We feel that it makes more sense for everyone to rehearse at home on their own time, so when we get together the fast learners aren't waiting for the slow learners to catch up. Can you guess which instrumentalist, historically, has always been the slow learner? If you can't, you're probably not who we're looking for.

We are busy people with lives outside of the band. You probably are, too. That's why it's vitally important for you to own, and know how to operate, both a calendar and a timepiece. If the Big Hand is on "Metal" and everyone is there but you, nobody has any fun.

We're not asking you to be Neil Peart. (Although that would be awesome.) We're just asking you to put some time and effort into your craft before drinking all of our beer and awkwardly hitting on our girlfriends.

At least Bigfoot can't be replaced by a $10 piece of software.
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