Re: New band problems...
Regarding the 'my' band thing.... He's not trying to say he owns the band, is the boss, or has any authority over the other members. Any of you can call it 'your' band. It's just a way of referring to your band. I do it, most people I know do it. If he thought that he held some power over the other members then the band probably wouldn't have even got this far.
I have had doubts about former band members, with similar complaints to you. But I found that when the push comes to shove, those members blew my doubts off the table and ended up impressing me in ways I would have never expected. I would book a gig to do in a few weeks time, most people just work better under pressure and I hope you see some improvement on his part, as well as the rest of the band.
I don't fully understand the image thing, if he's trying to act like someone he's not, then that sucks. People should just be themselves. But if wearing the hat and coat is him being himself, then you can't complain about it.
Is the guy actually a good dude? Or is he a jerk?
One more thing, if you are not already recording your practices and watching/listening back as a group (without the Mrs present, btw), you need to start doing so.