Re: New band problems...
There's a lot of issues you've raised there. I can't try and give you detailed advice on everything you've posted, especially as, if you're in your 40s, you've got me beat hands down for experience.
However, I DO have lots of experience with dud band members, and it always ends up the same way. My advice, get rid of him immediately. We've just recently sacked a member for a similar reason, and it has been the best decision that particular band has ever made.
It's always the same story: there's one member letting everyone else down. Life's too short, everyone else works too hard. If you're particularly good friends, be straight with him, make the situation clear, and give him a chance; one chance. Otherwise, lose him and find someone better suited. You've made it clear in this post you don't want him, why wait?