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Bo Eder 10-07-2012 05:30 AM

reporting in (downer alert)
 
Hey everybody, a few days ago I reported in that my dad had been dealing with cancer and we were working like beavers outfitting the house to make him more comfortable. We were able to reach that goal, but unfortunately, his time of fighting is now over. Mom called me earlier today and told me he had to go into a hospice care house after a particularly rough evening at home and I just about lost it when she did the totally selfless act of issuing the 'do not resuscitate' order to the nurses. I suppose I should find comfort that he is no longer suffering and we must now prepare for burial.

Dad always seemed interested in what kind of gear I was playing at any one time, so the phat hats and 24" light ride will get their first gig at his service.

Thank you to those of you who've sent good vibes my way since that first post about it. I'll be checking in here as it's a respite from my reality right now, but I'll be a little busy the next few days.

If any of you haven't made peace with your loved ones, may I recommend you do so.

Allstar drummer 10-07-2012 05:34 AM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
So sorry about your loss dude. At least he is in a better place now. I don't at least your dads spirit gets to hear your new gear.

Pocket-full-of-gold 10-07-2012 05:34 AM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
Sorry to hear of your sad loss, mate. My condolences.

tamadrm 10-07-2012 06:58 AM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
I'm sorry for your loss,and I understand your point about making peace with those you love.It's my biggest regret not having done so with my dad.

May he find peace,and may you find strength.Namaste

Steve B

Wackamole 10-07-2012 07:19 AM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
Sorry bro. Death to those close is the bitterest of all blows we take. I'll pray for you and your family.

harryconway 10-07-2012 08:22 AM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Bo Eder (Post 1054232)
I suppose I should find comfort that he is no longer suffering ...

A hard concept to hold onto, sometimes .... but indeed true. Lost my mom a year ago. It gets easier, with time. My condolences.

keep it simple 10-07-2012 08:34 AM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
Matt, my most heartfelt & sincere condolences. Like many here, & now yourself, we've lost parents recently. Larry only last week too. A dreadful wrench. You have your mum, hold her tight, let her feel your love.

Andy.

aydee 10-07-2012 09:23 AM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by keep it simple (Post 1054275)
Matt, my most heartfelt & sincere condolences. Like many here, & now yourself, we've lost parents recently. Larry only last week too. A dreadful wrench. You have your mum, hold her tight, let her feel your love.

Andy.

Yup, Larry, Andy, Grea and myself recently. Its wrenching alright. So wrenching that it catches us by surprise. "Its a cross we all have to bear", is something my dad told me when he lost his dad.

And the end of the day all that we have to hold on to is inner peace, lots of love, some forgiveness, some acceptance and reconcilation. Everything else is wrapping paper.

My condolences, Matt.


....

dmacc 10-07-2012 12:15 PM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
My condolences as well. I've buried both my parents - my dad 10 years ago and my mom 5 years ago. Been in your shoes twice and understand totally.

I won't say it get's better with time, because it doesn't. What I will say is you learn how to manage it with time.

Mad About Drums 10-07-2012 12:28 PM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
Matt, my sincere condolences.

I've lost my Mum 10 years ago, she died in my arms and I was fortunate enough to properly say goodbye to her.

Your Dad will be delighted to hear your phat hats and 24" ride from up there...

May God bless you and your family and friends.

Henri

MaryO 10-07-2012 01:30 PM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
Bo, so sorry for your loss. I'm sure your dad was so proud of you and will be smiling somewhere as you play at his service. Just remember, he'll always be with you in your heart to guide you along. I lost my father almost 15 years ago and still hardly a day goes by I don't think about him at least once. Take care, hug your loved ones, and we are here if you need someone to listen.

Peace to you and yours.

8Mile 10-07-2012 01:44 PM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
Bo, you have my sincere condolences. It sounds like you have a loving family and you can take comfort that your Dad knew he was loved. In the end, that's everything.

You are in my thoughts. Hang tough, man.

Anon La Ply 10-07-2012 01:49 PM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
Commiserations Bo. As Abe said, it seems to be a rough year for elderly fathers. A friend and former neighbour's father died a few months ago. Each of us will experience it differently, depending on the relationship.

Hugs

G

Midnite Zephyr 10-07-2012 03:07 PM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
These are the moments in life when words can hardly express what we all understand about the inevitability of life. My condolences to you also, Bo.

bobdadruma 10-07-2012 03:11 PM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
I am sorry for your loss Bo

zarrdoss 10-07-2012 03:13 PM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
So sorry to hear, it seems that never gets any easier, cancer sucks!

GRUNTERSDAD 10-07-2012 03:18 PM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
I pray for you and your Family and friends. God speed. Sorry Bo.

Otto 10-07-2012 04:59 PM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
Sorry for your pain.

Glad you have the love to make the pain.

The love survives far longer...

Bo Eder 10-07-2012 07:04 PM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
Thanks everyone for the well wishes, but we're all ok. The pain is gone and he's in a happier place. The mood in the last day since I posted this has changed to a more positive one. Family will be coming in for the biggest Hawaiian send-off we've ever done so we've switched into special event-mode. The family is pulling closer together and everyone is quite happy. We never seem to do anything small and quiet.

It's a strange place to be in because while dad was sick, you're bummed out because you know you're gonna lose him, but you know you're just being selfish in hopes that he won't go because he'll be in considerable pain to stay just because you want him to. When he finally passed, enough relief comes that you feel guilty because you feel like you're not grieving enough. Mom has declared that we're done grieving (she's stronger than I thought her to be all these years) and we're moving forward. Dad has gone off on his Big Adventure so we're going to celebrate that too.

I'm still a little shaky, as friends have told me I will be, but we all get through it. I've been wondering if medical technology is so great these days - according to the doctors, all kinds of things could've been done to prolong dad's agony, and mom smartly chose not to do that. As much as you hate to lose someone to cancer (or to anything) the relief of seeing him peacefully at rest as I said my final good-bye was much better than I thought it would be.

Thanks Drummerworld friends for being there in this great community of ours.

larryace 10-07-2012 07:06 PM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
Wow, I feel for ya Matt. I don't know what to say except that we all love you here. His spirit didn't die, just his body. He's still with you, as he always was.

skod 10-07-2012 07:21 PM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
A very wise friend once told me "The price of love is grief". I can testify that that is true... I lost both of my parents in the last 10 years, and very few are the days where I don't think of them. Both were in the throes of horrendous Alzheimer's and physical deterioration, and it was unquestionably a blessing for both when they finally found their peace.

It was very hard at the time. But it does indeed get easier with time. Be good to yourself, and let yourself grieve- and enjoy your family doubly at the sendoff.

criz p. critter 10-07-2012 07:55 PM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
Wise words from everyone... I too send my condolences. I went through this a few years ago, lost both my parents within one year. This is one of those things we all share, and experience, if we live long enough. Hang in there, man.

diegobxr 10-07-2012 08:37 PM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
I'm sorry to hear that, Bo. May your Dad rest in peace. Much strength to you and your Mom.

Diego

thunderstruck 10-07-2012 10:53 PM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
My deepest sympathies to you and your entire family.

Swexx 10-07-2012 11:46 PM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
Wise words from everyone. I am sorry for your loss. My deepest condolences to you and your family.

moretulife 10-07-2012 11:52 PM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
I enjoyed your comment about him always being interested in your latest gear. I think as sons that makes us feel like DAD digs what we are doing, and that is cool. Good memory to hold onto. He is better off now, and you can remember him from a better time is his life.

BacteriumFendYoke 10-08-2012 12:02 AM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
Matt, just remember you're not alone. Over the last few months and years a few people on this board have lost family and I know what a difficult time it can be for everyone involved. Needless to say that your family and friends will be there for you and you will be there for them. I'm glad that you can take the positives from this and I hope that continues.

There's not much more I can say. I'm sorry for your loss.

Anon La Ply 10-08-2012 01:29 AM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Bo Eder (Post 1054434)
I've been wondering if medical technology is so great these days - according to the doctors, all kinds of things could've been done to prolong dad's agony, and mom smartly chose not to do that. As much as you hate to lose someone to cancer (or to anything) the relief of seeing him peacefully at rest as I said my final good-bye was much better than I thought it would be.

Quote:

Originally Posted by skod (Post 1054447)
I lost both of my parents in the last 10 years, and very few are the days where I don't think of them. Both were in the throes of horrendous Alzheimer's and physical deterioration, and it was unquestionably a blessing for both when they finally found their peace.

I relate to both of these because my sister died of cancer in January and Dad died with severe vascular dementia in May. Diseases with slow decline like dementia and cancer change the dynamics of grief.

You expect the classic sharp sting of grief but instead it's more like a low level ache over a long period. By the time the person dies you've already come to the acceptance stage (thinking Kubler-Ross's seven stages of grief here) and feeling guilty because you not only don't feel the stab of grief, but you also feel relief that the ordeal is over - the indignities, the boredom and the increasing pain and discomfort.

I'll never forget seeing Dad the morning that he died - it was shocking. I walked out of the hospital feeling really disturbed at the prospect of him continuing life in that state so it was a huge relief when I got the call that night to say he'd passed. Had to get the nephew to drive me up because I was so baked lol. I looked at the shrivelled little dead man on the gurney and tried to cry and I couldn't because, in truth, I'd lost him about a year earlier.

I find it strange how little progress we've made in cancer and dementia prevention and cure. Despite some improvements, it's still basically a lottery. Deep down we all know that the Big C can strike at any time and that if you live long enough there's a strong chance you'll start losing your mind.

It's hard to think of any fields deserving of higher priority in the health area.

topgun2021 10-08-2012 03:29 AM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
I lost my dad in April from cancer.

I know how it feels. I had a concert a week after his death and it was weird.

He should do the do not resuscitate thing, for the most part dying would be less painful that be resuscitated because they will more than likely break open his rub cage to bring him back. Then he would really be wishing he was dead.

Muckster 10-08-2012 05:09 AM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
Deepest sympathies to you and your family Bo.

HMNY 10-09-2012 05:20 PM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
Sorry to hear this sad news Bo, my thoughts are with you and your family.

TTNW 10-09-2012 05:40 PM

Re: reporting in (downer alert)
 
Hi Bo,

Sorry I missed this a few days ago. My condolences to you and your family.

Hang in there.


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