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-   -   Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music (http://www.drummerworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=87286)

DrummerPady 02-12-2012 08:22 AM

Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Hey everyone,
I kind of have a problem and I hope I'm not the only one having it.
Here's the thing:

I'm totally into music and drums,
and when I go out the only thing I can think about is the music that's playing in this place and that I could be playing drums instead of beeing at the party. So when I'm there I can't really flirt with girls except for when I'm a little drunk. Then I don't care anymore about the music and dance with everybody and I'm kind of charming.

Well, the problem is that I don't want to have to be drunk if I want to get something started with a woman. Sometimes I wished I had girlfriend but my mind says "girls are bad, they steal your time to make music".

I can't support this anymore, because I don't know what I want.
Do I want a girlfriend? -Yes
Do I want have to spend time with her? -No
Do I want to become a professional musician? -Yes
Do I want to have someone to rely on? -Yes

I hope you might have some experience and can help me, or advise me to do something.
If you want to you can say: "hey bro, you're crazy".

Ok,
thanks for reading this and I hope you can understand what I'm saying.

Greetings from Switzerland
Pady

GRUNTERSDAD 02-12-2012 08:55 AM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Do you really think you are charming when you are drunk? I doubt it.

DrummerPady 02-12-2012 10:08 AM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Yes, when I've drunk a little bit.
Then I don't really listen to the music, but I'm still 100% present.
Ok, charming might be a too strong adjective, but I make funny jokes.

keep it simple 02-12-2012 10:38 AM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by DrummerPady (Post 958724)

Do I want have to spend time with her? -No

Do I want to play drums? -yes
Do I want to spend time learning how to play drums -no

Do you see the problem?

DrummerPady 02-12-2012 10:41 AM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Yes I see it, but what do you mean by saying this?

Pocket-full-of-gold 02-12-2012 10:51 AM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by DrummerPady (Post 958754)
Yes I see it, but what do you mean by saying this?

He's saying if you don't want to invest any time with a bird, then what's the point?

DrummerPady 02-12-2012 10:57 AM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
So that means no women and only drums, right?

But how do you handle this, do you all want to invest much time in going out and get to know someone?

Pocket-full-of-gold 02-12-2012 11:02 AM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by DrummerPady (Post 958757)
So that means no women and only drums, right?

Where did that come from? Can't recall seeing anyone say that at all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DrummerPady (Post 958757)
But how do you handle this, do you all want to invest much time in going out and get to know someone?

Same way as billions of guys the world over have. Go and find a bird you like, ask her out and see what comes of it.

keep it simple 02-12-2012 11:08 AM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
It's down to what you want, & how much time you're prepared to devote. If you are totally focussed on a drumming career, & that's your 1st priority, then you need to work out if you've got enough time spare to forge a meaningful relationship. If you can't spare the time, then don't bother looking for a partner. If you can, then go for it.

Pollyanna 02-12-2012 11:08 AM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Pocket-full-of-gold (Post 958756)
He's saying if you don't want to invest any time with a bird, then what's the point?

What's the point in having a girlfriend who you don't want to spend time with? Sex, status, financial security.

Pady, seems like now is the time to play drums. Maybe start looking for a girlfriend when you're ready.

DrummerPady 02-12-2012 11:15 AM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
It wouldn't be about sex or anything you just mentioned, it would be because I like her and want to be with her. And I'm spending so much energy and time into drums I'd like to have someone to can rely on.

But,
I'm afraid you're right, it's not the right time for me to have a girlfriend, I'm not enough mature for this.

It's time to play drums and to stop thinking about how it could be having a relationship.

When did you started to have a relationship? How did you know it was the right time and the right person?

Pocket-full-of-gold 02-12-2012 11:18 AM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Pollyanna (Post 958763)
Sex, status, financial security.

Sex: can be had at any time Pol. Shouldn't need a steady girlfriend just to get laid.....just a willing participant.

Status: Yep, I'm willing to concede that one. After all, who want's to be the dude everyone takes pity on by trying to continually set him up.

Financial security: Not in my world mate. As I recall, I always had far more cash in my pocket as a single man.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DrummerPady (Post 958764)
How did you know it was the right time and the right person?

I've had a few "right times" and a few more "right persons"........The answer is simple. The one I married was the one who didn't send me packing. :-)

keep it simple 02-12-2012 11:20 AM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by DrummerPady (Post 958764)
It wouldn't be about sex or anything you just mentioned, it would be because I like her and want to be with her. And I'm spending so much energy and time into drums I'd like to have someone to can rely on.

But,
I'm afraid you're right, it's not the right time for me to have a girlfriend, I'm not enough mature for this.

It's time to play drums and to stop thinking about how it could be having a relationship.

When did you started to have a relationship? How did you know it was the right time and the right person?

I'm guessing you're not in your 20's yet? Just do what you do, & if someone comes along who's interested in you, then pick the ball up & run with it. There is no right time, & it's certainly something you can't plan for or control. Have fun, be yourself, then if someone is interested, at least they're interested in you, not the image you may wish to put out there.

Pollyanna 02-12-2012 11:24 AM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by DrummerPady (Post 958757)
But how do you handle this, do you all want to invest much time in going out and get to know someone?

If it's a chore then she's not for you. You need a low maintenance gal who has compelling interests of her own and who wants what you want - someone to hang out with when not obsessing over their stuff.

DrummerPady 02-12-2012 11:32 AM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Pollyanna (Post 958768)
If it's a chore then she's not for you. You need a low maintenance gal who has compelling interests of her own and who wants what you want - someone to hang out with when not obsessing over their stuff.


That souns good and a little crazy too.
Could we consider this as a serious relationship?

makinao 02-12-2012 11:33 AM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by DrummerPady (Post 958764)
How did you know it was the right time and the right person?

IMHO, you will only know that in hindsight. If you meet someone you like to be with, and who enjoys your company for more than a few minutes, make plans to meet up again. If she agrees and you still like to be together, do it again. If it continues to be a fulfilling experience, make it regular. If things go south (no offense to those from that part of the earth) then let go. But only when you have experienced and gotten to know each other will you know if it was the "right time" and if she/he is the "right person."

eddiehimself 02-12-2012 01:13 PM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
It's always a tough one mate. I know exactly what you're saying, you want a girlfriend, like a proper girlfriend not just a f++k buddy, but you don't know if you can really commit to having one right now due to other things in your life such as music. It's a bit of a paradox really. Being single can in some ways totally focus your mind but you also get times when you just don't feel like doing anything. My suggestion would be to not think about it for a few years. Really get your head down and practice hard, go to the gym, get some kick ass biceps and triceps and quadriceps, try to start getting a name for yourself and then once you feel you're in a stable position in life, that will be the time when you can finally go for it. If you start to go a bit crazy then by all means go and have a shag with someone, just for a bit of release. Then back to drumming.

Thaard 02-12-2012 01:15 PM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Maybe someone should make a musician dating site. Probably some good money to be made there.

eddiehimself 02-12-2012 01:19 PM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Thaard (Post 958803)
Maybe someone should make a musician dating site. Probably some good money to be made there.

Well there are dating sites geared towards people of a particular musical inclination:

http://www.hardrockdating.com/

DrummerPady 02-12-2012 01:34 PM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by eddiehimself (Post 958801)
It's always a tough one mate. I know exactly what you're saying, you want a girlfriend, like a proper girlfriend not just a f++k buddy, but you don't know if you can really commit to having one right now due to other things in your life such as music. It's a bit of a paradox really. Being single can in some ways totally focus your mind but you also get times when you just don't feel like doing anything. My suggestion would be to not think about it for a few years. Really get your head down and practice hard, go to the gym, get some kick ass biceps and triceps and quadriceps, try to start getting a name for yourself and then once you feel you're in a stable position in life, that will be the time when you can finally go for it. If you start to go a bit crazy then by all means go and have a shag with someone, just for a bit of release. Then back to drumming.

That's exactly my problem.
And I'm doing all this things you're talking aout, I'm going to the gym 5 times a week, I go out like every four months because I'm practicing, and everything I do is because of drumming.

But there are some moments where I would be happy to have someone, right now I'm having such a moment. But there aren't many of these moments.


I want to thank you all for your posts and advices.

Mad About Drums 02-12-2012 02:44 PM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by DrummerPady (Post 958811)
That's exactly my problem...

Interesting thread on a delicate topic, a lot of good replies by many members...

When I started drumming, I had that "dream" of becoming a professional musician, and I sacrified a lot of my time doing so at the expense of relationships, with both my girlfriend ( I had a girlfriend when I started music) and my friends and family.

Now, very few of us out there can genuinely say that they achieved such "dream(s)", most of us never have and never will have the chance of earning a decent financial reward to be able to go through life as a professional musician, this regardless of how good a musician is able master his/her craft. It takes more than being an acomplished drummer to get there IMO. :)

It's OK to be smitten by girls and whishing upon a relationship with shuch feeling toward a girl, but if you find the special one, the one that you'll be in love with, and provididing that the feeling is mutual, it will not be difficult as far as "relationship" is concerned, I married the girlfriend I had when I started music, and throughout my life as a musician, she's always supported me in whatever decision I made upon my views and choices in music, and although she's not a musician, she's the best friend I ever had within my musical career over all these years. :)

You cannot just play drums 24/7 365 days a year, so, when the few non music involved moments arise in your life, enjoy them, girlfriend(s), family and friends, there's much more to life than just music. :)

MaryO 02-12-2012 03:13 PM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by DrummerPady (Post 958764)
How did you know it was the right time and the right person?

It will be the right time when you find someone you are willing to spend time with. If you're not willing to put anything into the relationship, you're not going get anything out of it...that simple.

eddiehimself 02-12-2012 06:37 PM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by DrummerPady (Post 958811)
That's exactly my problem.
And I'm doing all this things you're talking aout, I'm going to the gym 5 times a week, I go out like every four months because I'm practicing, and everything I do is because of drumming.

But there are some moments where I would be happy to have someone, right now I'm having such a moment. But there aren't many of these moments.


I want to thank you all for your posts and advices.

Well I think you're doing all the right stuff. As I say, try not to worry about it until you're in a position when you feel like you could spare the time for that sort of commitment without giving up on what you want to do in life, which is drumming.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaryO (Post 958848)
It will be the right time when you find someone you are willing to spend time with. If you're not willing to put anything into the relationship, you're not going get anything out of it...that simple.

That is certainly true. Unfortunately, you don't always get anything out of a relationship even if you do put the time and effort into it.

DrummerPady 02-12-2012 08:14 PM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Guys thank you so much for this great discussion.

I hope this doesn't just help me but others too, who have a similar problem.

I really apreciate the advices and suggestions you gave me.

chaymus 02-13-2012 05:41 PM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Thaard (Post 958803)
Maybe someone should make a musician dating site. Probably some good money to be made there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by eddiehimself (Post 958806)
Well there are dating sites geared towards people of a particular musical inclination:

http://www.hardrockdating.com/

Not a well thought out business model if you ask me. Most of the musicians I know are poor, and if they have any money spend it on gear. Those that aren't poor are also in a relationship.
Here's a few sites I'd rival with targeting the same broke-ass market:
starvingartistdinnerandamovieminusdinner.com
hobohookups.org
trailerparkspark.com

Thaard 02-13-2012 05:51 PM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
I'm quite fond of beerandchilinutsforaromanticdinner.com and toobrokeforcinemasowewatchtv.com.

toddy 02-14-2012 08:03 AM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
lets put it this way. i used to just play drums, constantly. nothing else. i recently found a lady and it chilled me out A LOT. to the point where i no longer feel like taking an axe into a tescos and pulling a nicholson.

p.s. i set her on a wall last week (she was drunk) and she fell off and chipped 2 teeth. for valentines day i've bought her an electric toothbrush. :D the funniest thing is i met her mum this weekend and she thought i was a "nice guy". very cool lady.

Swiss Matthias 02-14-2012 08:35 AM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Even apart from drumming, we don't have time in our lives for everything.
We always have to choose. I think that's a good thing, because we learn
what's important to us.

My experience: Sometimes I kind of wish I was alone, to have more time
and freedom for my own things, like practicing. But my girl definitely made
me more mature, more responsible, and all around a better person I think.
And as if that wouldn't be enough on its own, those attributes are definitely
helping as a musician, too :).

We shouldn't forget: Being successful as a drummer doesn't just mean
having practiced like crazy and being the fastest, the most complex and
most skillful drummer. It can, but it doesn't guarantee anything, nor does
it mean as much as we think.

Mad About Drums 02-14-2012 08:42 AM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Swiss Matthias (Post 959685)
We shouldn't forget: Being successful as a drummer doesn't just mean
having practiced like crazy and being the fastest, the most complex and
most skillful drummer. It can, but it doesn't guarantee anything, nor does
it mean as much as we think.

I totally agree with this. :)

aydee 02-14-2012 08:46 AM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
...

I think you are mixing up two issues here. I think you are shy and need a little achoholic bolstering to feel comfortable around girls- not an unusual phenomenon at all - AND that you want to pin it on music being the reason that you might be a little socially awkward.

Sorry to play online armchair psychiatrist but this is what it looks like from where I am.

I think if you approach this with a healthy attitude and get yourself comfortable and natural around members of the opposite sex, music and women dont need to be at odds with each other. Heck you might get lucky with an awesome chick bass player.. ( I mean that musically, of course )

For further tips, please hit up Swiss Mathais on how to hadle this locally.


...

eddiehimself 02-14-2012 09:32 AM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by aydee (Post 959689)
I think if you approach this with a healthy attitude and get yourself comfortable and natural around members of the opposite sex, music and women dont need to be at odds with each other. Heck you might get lucky with an awesome chick bass player.. ( I mean that musically, of course )

I wouldn't hold your breath though, I've been trying that one for the past 6 years :p

Sinmara 02-14-2012 11:07 AM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
sounds like a friends with benefits is what would be the solution. Just make it clear from the start what it is, otherwise someone might get hurt...;)

Pollyanna 02-14-2012 11:20 AM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by aydee (Post 959689)
music and women dont need to be at odds with each other

True :)

Thaard 02-14-2012 01:54 PM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Disregard Females, acquire drumming-skills.

aydee 02-14-2012 01:59 PM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Thaard (Post 959751)
Disregard Females, acquire drumming-skills.

Thaardy, you sound like Mr. Miyagi


....

Sinmara 02-14-2012 03:24 PM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by aydee (Post 959754)
Thaardy, you sound like Mr. Miyagi


....

... or Yoda!

(yikes, there is a minimum character per message on these boards...)

eddiehimself 02-14-2012 03:26 PM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Sinmara (Post 959775)
(yikes, there is a minimum character per message on these boards...)

What a joke.

The Gedge 02-17-2012 01:51 PM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Keep making music; music is much, much easier ;)

Ian Williams 02-17-2012 05:29 PM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
I love Drums...But Women! You can hug & kiss them...So I love them both. :-)

Too Many Songs 02-17-2012 06:29 PM

Re: Girls&Relationships vs. Drums&Music
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ian Williams (Post 961322)
I love Drums...But Women! You can hug & kiss them...So I love them both. :-)

How true. But it is only a matter of time before someone points out that you can hug and kiss drums as well. But the real point is that women can hug and kiss you back.

There is nothing more important in life than the personal relationships you make. Those are truly the only things worth cherishing.


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