DRUMMERWORLD OFFICIAL DISCUSSION FORUM

DRUMMERWORLD OFFICIAL DISCUSSION FORUM (http://www.drummerworld.com/forums/index.php)
-   Off Topic Lounge (http://www.drummerworld.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=25)
-   -   Having trouble asking a girl out in college (http://www.drummerworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=83406)

drummindan8484 11-18-2011 02:30 AM

Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
OK first off understand that I'm a bit on the shy side so that's what's making this situation worse. Now here's the problem.

There's this girl who plays guitar in the community college jazz band with me. We talk a decent bit and she seems to like me at least as a friend, so I figured I'd ask her out for lunch sometime before class. The only problem has been finding a way to get her alone. Last week (it's a once a week class) I tried to do so before class only for the timing to not be so great, and she seems to always end up leaving class before I do. We do get a break in the middle for about 15 minutes, but there's usually too many people around to do so.

So my question is, is there any possible way to ask her out even if there's people around in a somewhat discrete manner? Pulling her aside perhaps, asking her to wait for me after class, anything? I already know how to ask and everything, I just can't find the right time to and it's really frustrating me.

bobdadruma 11-18-2011 02:41 AM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
This is a common problem. Something or someone always seems to get in the way so there is no proper private moment between both of you.
You have to create the moment. You have to pull her aside and say what needs to be said.
It isn't easy. We all experience this.
You just have to walk up to her and look her in the eye and say something like "Do you have a moment" or "Can I speak with you for a minute"
Don't forget, She will feel just as you do. You will take her by surprise. You will both have an awkward moment. That is the common ground. If she is interested she will talk to you.

harryconway 11-18-2011 03:22 AM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
It's always up to us "Rock" dudes to learn you "Jazz" cats how to score chicks, isn't it?
Kidding!!!
O.K...... no matter how many people are around her .... you walk up to her .... and be polite .... say "excuse me" if she's actively engaged in any type of conversation .... (that usually will give you the floor, if only because so few people these days are polite) ..... "excuse me, but I'm working on a song idea ... and I was wondering if you and your guitar could maybe help me out .... you know ... with some ... like ... chord changes .... and progressions .... like .... I have some ideas .... but I'm not a guitarist ... and I like your playing ... "
Now, saying that, in your own words, is gonna probably take less than a minute. Here's where you prove that you're not some I'll prepared slacker. You hand her your "business card" .... or at least a piece of paper with your name and phone # on it already. Don't ask her if she has a pen, paper, etc. ....looking thru your backpack .... that's lame. Be prepared! Boy Scout Motto!
So, you said your deal .... you handed her all the "pertinent" information ....
Politely leave, saying something like "I don't wanna hold you up ... give me a call .... and we'll set up a date.
Now, look for her reaction ... if she wants to continue conversation with you .... by all means, stick around. Situational awareness. If she's still "busy" with other people ... then you leave. Maybe as you walk away, turn back to her, and if you have eye contact ... flash her the universal sign language "call me" ..... and be off.
After that, you're on your own. Good luck.

GRUNTERSDAD 11-18-2011 03:36 AM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Harry has laid out the perfect scenario. Well done. Now go practice and good luck.

Pollyanna 11-18-2011 03:44 AM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by harryconway (Post 915399)
say "excuse me" if she's actively engaged in any type of conversation .... (that usually will give you the floor, if only because so few people these days are polite) ..... "excuse me, but I'm working on a song idea ... and I was wondering if you and your guitar could maybe help me out .... you know ... with some ... like ... chord changes .... and progressions .... like .... I have some ideas .... but I'm not a guitarist ... and I like your playing ... "

And the minute he walks away all the girls friends will be grinning :)

Totally transparent - like inviting someone up for coffee at the end of the night or popping over to her place because you "happened to forget" something ... but nicely played ...

Frost 11-18-2011 04:03 AM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Flip a big stick













Sorry, bad drum related innuendo

The Scorpio 11-18-2011 05:04 AM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
You are in a perfect position to talk to this woman. So I'll be an "online wingman" here and give you the ultimate wingman advice.

Just go talk to her bro.

Shyness be damned. You are a drummer, and drummers rock. Period. So there's no reason to be shy =)

Good luck dude!

-Kyle

drummindan8484 11-18-2011 05:18 AM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by The Scorpio (Post 915427)
You are in a perfect position to talk to this woman. So I'll be an "online wingman" here and give you the ultimate wingman advice.

Just go talk to her bro.

Shyness be damned. You are a drummer, and drummers rock. Period. So there's no reason to be shy =)

Good luck dude!

-Kyle

Well to be fair I think she may be a little bit shy compared to some girls as well. Talking to her doesn't make me nervous, it's just popping the question that will. Thanks for the encouragement Kyle!

drummindan8484 11-18-2011 05:20 AM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by bobdadruma (Post 915387)
This is a common problem. Something or someone always seems to get in the way so there is no proper private moment between both of you.
You have to create the moment. You have to pull her aside and say what needs to be said.
It isn't easy. We all experience this.
You just have to walk up to her and look her in the eye and say something like "Do you have a moment" or "Can I speak with you for a minute"
Don't forget, She will feel just as you do. You will take her by surprise. You will both have an awkward moment. That is the common ground. If she is interested she will talk to you.

This may work. Or who knows, maybe there will be some way that we'll be alone sometime in the next few weeks. Every week is different, one of the first times I talked to her alone was because there was a massive traffic accident on the highway that everyone got stuck in and we were the 1st 2 there, so who knows what next week will bring. Thanks for the help though!

Geri Attrique 11-18-2011 05:41 AM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Well, you are a drummer, so make sure you show off your forearms!

groove1 11-18-2011 07:24 AM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
You've gotten very good advice here. Be yourself and say what's on you mind. If you don't,
she will never know. I'm in my mid sixties and can tell you that at my age all guys admit
they had awkwardness in meeting the ladies when they were younger....even if they didn't
admit it when they were young. Find something you'd both enjoy doing anyway and invite
her to that. Have fun!

Thud 11-18-2011 07:57 AM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
I'd like to add my bit too...
Most women won't go out with men they do not know but of course there are exceptions. Young men spot a woman they like the look of and immediately go steaming in like a cruise missile. Unfortunately this often has the effect of scaring the girl (Who is this guy? Why is he hitting on me?) and that's a bad start.

So my bit of advice is... women mostly like to go out with men they already know. If you come over as a fun, exciting kind of person that she already knows then you are home and dry for certain. Hang out with her set and let her get to know you.

She may still say no if she doesn't fancy you but at least she has had a chance to see what she is getting. You have to be prepared to accept a no, but you've made a friend, haven't you?

aydee 11-18-2011 08:07 AM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by harryconway (Post 915399)
[indent]It's always up to us "Rock" dudes to learn you "Jazz" cats how to score chicks, isn't it? ]

Want to tell Miles Davis that, Harry ?


...

Pollyanna 11-18-2011 08:12 AM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Interesting reading the "expert" opinion on what might or not work with women :)

aydee 11-18-2011 09:01 AM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Pollyanna (Post 915474)
Interesting reading the "expert" opinion on what might or not work with women :)

Happy for the OPs sake that Ms Pol showed up. Would like to hear the lady's point of view here. If you were her what would you like our shy drummer boy to do? What might work?

...

Pollyanna 11-18-2011 10:19 AM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by aydee (Post 915488)
Happy for the OPs sake that Ms Pol showed up. Would like to hear the lady's point of view here. If you were her what would you like our shy drummer boy to do? What might work?

...

If I was me, Harry's suggestion would be pretty good. Fact is, you have a common interest ... a great way to start.

Unlike Gerri, forearms are less of a lure for me than pecs and biceps. Having said that - someone sane, with a few operating brain cells and who treats me like a human being is making a good start. Someone with common interests has the inside running.

Dan, one week isn't a long time ... maybe next week?

diegobxr 11-18-2011 12:33 PM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Hey man,

First of all, I must say it takes a lot of balls to enter a place like this and ask such a intimate and vulnerable question with such humility. It leaves a good impression of you, at least for me. ;)

Having said that, I'd like to ask:
1) What age are you? Teens? Twenties? (I think it's not the same how you approach a 15 year old girl than a 26).

2) Do you have any other social interactions with her? Like friends in common, birthday parties, go to the same clubs, concerts or places?

3) Are you a friend to some of her friends/girlfriends?

Overall I think Larry's advice is cool. But if you're having a hard time, I'd also try to "maximise exposure" in non-school activities. That will give her more time to get to know you in a more relaxed environment. After all, that's what you want by asking her out. Everytime I met a girl I was interested into I did that, found out who her friends were, what things she liked and found my way to be around them before making the move.

Also, it's easier if her friends like you!

Anyway, I'm no casanova but that's my humble advice. And hey, above all things: don't panic, don't desperate, keep your cool and be confident. ;)

Cheers!

Pollyanna 11-18-2011 01:04 PM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by diegobxr (Post 915529)
But if you're having a hard time, I'd also try to "maximise exposure" in non-school activities...

Anyway, I'm no casanova ...

Join the dots ... context is everything :)

DarrenMcMaster-Smith 11-18-2011 01:17 PM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by aydee (Post 915471)
Want to tell Miles Davis that, Harry ?


...

I think the jazz cats do better than the rock blokes.

Lol I didn't kiss a girl till age 22.

Thank god for that cover band or I would've lost it I reckon.

The girls used to slip over themselves running up to the guitarists or singer.

But girls who go to cover gigs are a bit strange lol.

Like girls who get giddy over footballers.

Anto 11-18-2011 01:26 PM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
1) Be good friends with her, make little jokes to loosen up your relationship etc..
2) Try hang out with her after school times, then walk her home or to her bus stop
3) Before she leaves, ask her the question or try to make a move, this will make things a lot less awkward afterwards, if she says yes, you will have time to think about how you should talk to her tomorrow, avoiding the awkward "er....what do we do now..?" and if she says no, she leaves anyway!

PS: Try do that when it's dark, 10x more romantic and people seem more open during that time. As a bonus, people wont be able to see you as well :)

Thats if you're a kinda jazzy man, If you're a rocker dude just jump straight in ;)

DarrenMcMaster-Smith 11-18-2011 01:32 PM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Anto (Post 915544)
1) Be good friends with her, make little jokes to loosen up your relationship etc..
2) Try hang out with her after school times, then walk her home or to her bus stop
3) Before she leaves, ask her the question or try to make a move, this will make things a lot less awkward afterwards, if she says yes, you will have time to think about how you should talk to her tomorrow, avoiding the awkward "er....what do we do now..?" and if she says no, she leaves anyway!

PS: Try do that when it's dark, 10x more romantic and people seem more open during that time. As a bonus, people wont be able to see you as well :)

Thats if you're a kinda jazzy man, If you're a rocker dude just jump straight in ;)

I was a rocker drummer and at school I was petrified of girls.

Absolutely scared of them.

Massive low self esteem.

Honestly I think drums were a way out for me.

Out of feeling low.

They provided me with a vehicle where other people use them in a different way.

I practiced and practiced because that's all I had.

3 members of the cover band I was in were all Irish aussies from a big Irish family and they had so much confidence.

Girls would hang off them.


I used to cop"you're such a snob or "you're arrogant"

I wasn't really.

Just found it hard to hold a conversation.

Sometimes humans judge people having not known them.

But they were very good to me and in lots of ways ,broke me from my shell.

P.S. All I can say is Op,is be confident.

I need a few beers myself but you seem to be a person with more intelligence than me.

Peace.

jingscrivenshelpmaboab 11-18-2011 01:33 PM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
I as in a hilariously similar situation to this about three years ago. There was a girl in my college class who was fairly new and played guitar. She was fiiiiiiiine, but I thought I stood no chance. So we got talking about music, and we disagreed with most of it but we were getting on ok. Then I asked her to go for a drink after class and she agreed. We started seeing each other about two weeks later, two weeks after that and we started a relationship. That was three years ago, we have our own place and everything now, all because we started talking.
So thats my advice, just start up a conversation (if you can manage to get her alone) if it goes well, ask her for a drink/dinner/lunch and who knows?

Anto 11-18-2011 02:15 PM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Darren: Watch yourself, I live in Ireland ;)

I think Darren's right, just be confident, i used to be all shy when i was younger, but a few years ago I started talking more, now I get approached by random girls in McDonalds.. not to mention in college ;) btw, girls tend to move away from the guitarist cliché and more towards the drummers ;)

I-Wan 11-18-2011 02:28 PM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Look man it is really simple.

You already sad that you are not shy about talkin to her, so just start a conversation about something she is interested in. It would be better if you ask her the question during the conversation, because you and her would be more relaxed.
If there is a lot of people around you, move away and ask her.

The worst thing that can happen is that she says NO. But then you will know how she feels.

The most important thing is to be yourself, not trying to be something you are not. She needs to like you, not some false image of you. I don't know how old are, but being yourself and know what you want is atractive to women of all ages. And as you are already friends you know that she likes you at least that much. Just don't be pushy, and if she can't or don't want to talk to you, respect that. Be a gentelman all the time.

Good luck!

sticks4drums 11-18-2011 03:07 PM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
If you don't, someone else might, and you will be kicking yourself for it. She can't hurt you. The worst she can say is get lost. At least you will of tried.

eddiehimself 11-18-2011 03:50 PM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Trust me on this one, you're better off leaving thoughts like that in your head. Let her go and ruin someone else's life. Sucks for a few years, oh yeah, but you get used to it and at least you'll still have your own house when you're 50 :)

sticks4drums 11-18-2011 03:54 PM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by eddiehimself (Post 915598)
Trust me on this one, you're better off leaving thoughts like that in your head. Let her go and ruin someone else's life. Sucks for a few years, oh yeah, but you get used to it and at least you'll still have your own house when you're 50 :)

Come on Eddie. Not everyone has had a bad experience like you and my parents. Don't squash a young mans dreams. :)

eddiehimself 11-18-2011 04:42 PM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by sticks4drums (Post 915600)
Come on Eddie. Not everyone has had a bad experience like you and my parents. Don't squash a young mans dreams. :)

I think i am doing precisely the opposite. The man's dreams will be crushed when he is sat there thinking "I could have done better" which will inevitably happened and learning to realise that settling down with your boring old woman becomes just as mundane as your crappy old car or your dead end job, another avenue of mystery and exploration that has been blocked off and leads you closer and closer into thinking "why the hell do I get up in a morning?". At least if you're single you can always pretend in your mind that there is the chance of meeting mrs. perfect, even if you know it's not going to actually happen really.

larryace 11-18-2011 04:43 PM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Everyone is telling the OP to just be confident. As well meaning as that is, if he had the confidence, he wouldn't have started the thread. Confidence isn't an "angle" you can try. It's much deeper than a line. You could fake it till you make it, but that's obvious too.

All people appreciate honesty, women especially. And if you can talk about sex and relationships to women without getting all scared, you're in. They don't want you to impress them with your accomplishments and what you can do as much as they want your attention to be focused squarely on them. Wouldn't you want that too? You don't need confidence for honesty, you just need honesty.


Be honest. You like her. Own the feeling. Tell her, but not in front of her friends initially. Not because you're not confident enough, remember, it's about her. You ask her privately so she doesn't have the uncomfortable choice of having to act a certain way because her friends are there. Also, if person A finds out that person B thinks they are hot, all of a sudden, person B is much more attractive to person A than previously thought.

Questions work great as a starter line. Everyone likes to have someone who is interested in their opinion. After talking a bit about the question, at a good time, with a good segue (important)) you could slip in something like, "you know, the truth is that I'm very attracted to you, did you pick up on that"? After she answers, you can ask her about her perceptions of you, (maybe having a good laugh) and that should be all you need to really talk on a meaningful level with this woman. Remember, use the word "I" as little as possible. Focus on her.

At this point, you should know where you stand by her reaction.


Another tactic I've learned....
Ask her a question, and word it in such a way so that a "no" from her.... will put you in the position you want to be in.

Example:

You: Would you be offended if I told you how hot you are?

Her: No.

This question gives the woman a chance to use the word "no", but it's really a green light for you. It's your win/win.

From there, you sweet talk her, and make her feel special. 100% about her. Even if you're no Brad Pitt, if you can truly and unselfishly appreciate your woman, and express that to her (important) it doesn't matter if you're not good looking or confident.

Midnite Zephyr 11-18-2011 04:44 PM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
You can tell her, hey, I really like your guitar playing. You have a really magnetic personality because it seems I'm very attracted to you. Or, do you have the time? The time to give me your number? Or, If you were a new burger at McDonalds, you would be McGorgeous!

It always works for me. Not!

drummindan8484 11-18-2011 05:07 PM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by diegobxr (Post 915529)
Hey man,

First of all, I must say it takes a lot of balls to enter a place like this and ask such a intimate and vulnerable question with such humility. It leaves a good impression of you, at least for me. ;)

Having said that, I'd like to ask:
1) What age are you? Teens? Twenties? (I think it's not the same how you approach a 15 year old girl than a 26).

2) Do you have any other social interactions with her? Like friends in common, birthday parties, go to the same clubs, concerts or places?

3) Are you a friend to some of her friends/girlfriends?

Overall I think Larry's advice is cool. But if you're having a hard time, I'd also try to "maximise exposure" in non-school activities. That will give her more time to get to know you in a more relaxed environment. After all, that's what you want by asking her out. Everytime I met a girl I was interested into I did that, found out who her friends were, what things she liked and found my way to be around them before making the move.

Also, it's easier if her friends like you!

Anyway, I'm no casanova but that's my humble advice. And hey, above all things: don't panic, don't desperate, keep your cool and be confident. ;)

Cheers!

To answer your questions:

1)I'm 20, she's 18.
2)As far as friends in common, she plays in a band with my teacher (a Zeppelin cover band), but I don't see her too often outside of that class and 1 other that I have with her.
3)Again, my answer sort of ties in to the 2nd.

We've talked before and she seems to like me OK, so we're not strangers to each other by any means. On break we talk too, but a lot of the times it ends up being sort of a group hangout. I just wanna start easy, ask her to have a quick lunch with me before class somewhere totally casual, to the point where it doesn't sound like a date (trust me, girls at that age don't "date") and see where it goes.

sticks4drums 11-18-2011 05:11 PM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by eddiehimself (Post 915614)
I think i am doing precisely the opposite. The man's dreams will be crushed when he is sat there thinking "I could have done better" which will inevitably happened and learning to realise that settling down with your boring old woman becomes just as mundane as your crappy old car or your dead end job, another avenue of mystery and exploration that has been blocked off and leads you closer and closer into thinking "why the hell do I get up in a morning?". At least if you're single you can always pretend in your mind that there is the chance of meeting mrs. perfect, even if you know it's not going to actually happen really.

Well you won't meet Miss perfect, but you might meet someone that is just right for you. I did. :)

Doctor Dirt 11-18-2011 05:48 PM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Theres something very wrong about this entire story...............................ask yourself WHY do I want to go out with a Guitar Player?????? Really? You do? Doc.

The Scorpio 11-18-2011 05:52 PM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Doctor Dirt (Post 915647)
Theres something very wrong about this entire story...............................ask yourself WHY do I want to go out with a Guitar Player?????? Really? You do? Doc.

But she plays in a Zep cover band Doc!!! That's gotta count for something!!!!!

harryconway 11-18-2011 05:57 PM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by drummindan8484 (Post 915627)
...trust me, girls at that age don't "date") and see where it goes.

Dude, I lost my virginity when I was 17, and the girl I was dating was 18. We'd known each other for 2 years. You can't start a thread like this, and then pretend to know "what's up".
But .... here's another plan of attack for you .... she's in a Led Zepp. tribute band, as a guitar player, and you're a drummer. Hmmmmm. So tell her you've been working on some Bonham-isms, and you'd like to jam with her. Have her critique your feel. She must be pretty good, if she's covering Jimmy Page. It's a win-win situation for you, if she says yes. 1) You get to know her better. 2) It might help make you a better drummer.

PQleyR 11-18-2011 07:00 PM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
+101 on the Bonham angle! I am terrible at this stuff! Do not take my advice in any way! But, talk Led Zeppelin with her! Do your Zeppelin research! NB: If you hate them, this is probably a bad line of enquiry.

mediocrefunkybeat 11-18-2011 07:11 PM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Never having had too much difficulty in this department (bigging myself up) could I just say that you don't have to be confident but you do have to be yourself. Just relax. The minute you're acting in a relaxed manner the minute your confidence shoots up.

Don't worry. Be happy. You have nothing to worry about.

Most of my friends are women. I have very few male friends. If anything, I'm usually much more nervous around other men!

Doctor Dirt 11-18-2011 07:12 PM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Not a big Zep fan here but if your not you better sharpen up I guess. She must think the guitar player was good so your stuck!!! Find out her second passion and go after that subject?? Hope its not Karate'!!!! hahahaha!!!! ........good luck protect your hands. Doc

opentune 11-18-2011 07:50 PM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Jazz Class? So you're young(er). Doesn't your generation use IM and e-media? Send her a text and say you'd like to speak in private after class. Or even hand her a note. Tell you one thing...just like drumming...go for it..you get it done around the kit...get it done after class...then its done...positive or negative! I spent most of my teen years holding back, and all I could do was spend money on records!

jon e rotten 11-18-2011 08:15 PM

Re: Having trouble asking a girl out in college
 
Have you thought about chloroform? It's always worked for......nevermind.


All times are GMT +2. The time now is 05:27 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.0
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Bernhard Castiglioni's DRUMMERWORLD.com