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-   -   Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ! (http://www.drummerworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=74030)

Joey182 03-28-2011 04:23 AM

Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
I don't get to play anymore, because my father hates drumming and punk-ish music, and thinks I'm on drugs (I'm not). I get drug tested almost 3 times a month, and I haven't even tried anything yet! He is very overprotective, which is why I'm starting to turn into a kid who goes out late at night to hang out with girls and skateboard because: "Drums are a loud obnoxious instrument no one wants to hear."
I don't want to quit, but whats the point of owning a kit if I can't play it, which I haven't for the past 2 months because of his thinking.
I have literally tried everything to kiss-ass a bit, but whenever he even catches sight of one of my drums not "Stacked" in the corner of my room he freaks out and starts this whole fight with me to where I'm *THIS* close to actually snapping and losing it. It's not just the drums that he freaks over, I initially had EVERYTHING taken away, (Computer, Phone, Money, "Offensive Clothing"[Not offensive by the way what so ever], Television, Skateboard,etc...), I had all this taken away because of my "average grades (B's and C's), but when I get the Report Card I have A's and B's, SO I have no idea why my stuff is still taken away. I asked him, and he said because I haven't turned in all of my Spanish missing assignments.
So I go to school the next day, and get a signed note from all of my teachers stating that I have completed Classwork, Homework, and my attitude in class is good. Still don't get anything back...
SO right now I have no idea what to do.....

Pocket-full-of-gold 03-28-2011 04:24 AM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
I just posted this for you on "the never ending thread."

Certainly seems appropriate to re-post it here:

Don't "kiss arse"....just explain. Show him your passion for the instrument. Best way to do this is to practice and improve.....not by blowing a fortune by buying new shit every 15 minutes.

I know he won't let you play at home, and I know that, that is difficult. But so what......there are ways around it. Grab a pad and a pair of sticks. Pay for some lessons and play your teachers kit there. Don't tell me you can't do that? Or find a friend with a basement and slip him some coin to practice there....even once or twice a week.

At the moment, your old man is seeing your approach to drumming much like the forum members here. We don't think you're particularly serious....and we don't even know you. What hope has a man who has known you from birth got? He's seeing a kid who 'says' he's keen, but doesn't really display much by way of showing any real desire to improve. Show him that this actually means something to you, by doing everything you can to improve.....kit or no kit, there's plenty you can work on in the meantime. Who knows.......once he sees that this is something that inspires you, as opposed to this weeks new trend, he may re-evaluate his position and relent.

Change your old man's mindset.....it can be done, but I reckon you'll have to change your own first. :-)

As for not being happy with clothes, hairstyles, etc etc.........welcome to life Joey. It's called "the generation gap" and guess what?? You'll do the same thing to your kids too!!

Joey182 03-28-2011 04:30 AM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Pocket-full-of-gold (Post 819666)
I just posted this for you on "the never ending thread."

Certainly seems appropriate to re-post it here:

Don't "kiss arse"....just explain. Show him your passion for the instrument. Best way to do this is to practice and improve.....not by blowing a fortune by buying new shit every 15 minutes.

I know he won't let you play at home, and I know that, that is difficult. But so what......there are ways around it. Grab a pad and a pair of sticks. Pay for some lessons and play your teachers kit there. Don't tell me you can't do that? Or find a friend with a basement and slip him some coin to practice there....even once or twice a week.

At the moment, your old man is seeing your approach to drumming much like the forum members here. We don't think you're particularly serious....and we don't even know you. What hope has a man who has known you from birth got? He's seeing a kid who 'says' he's keen, but doesn't really display much by way of showing any real desire to improve. Show him that this actually means something to you, by doing everything you can to improve.....kit or no kit, there's plenty you can work on in the meantime. Who knows.......once he sees that this is something that inspires you, as opposed to this weeks new trend, he may re-evaluate his position and relent.

Change your old man's mindset.....it can be done, but I reckon you'll have to change your own first. :-)


As for not being happy with clothes, hairstyles, etc etc.........welcome to life Joey. It's called "the generation gap" and guess what?? You'll do the same thing to your kids too!!

Haha I know, The clothing I can understand a bit...

daredrummer 03-28-2011 04:50 AM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Well first off, I'd stop saying "READ!" at the end of all your threads. It makes me not want to read it.

But back on to topic, the way I deal with my parents when we disagree is to not ask for anything or anything to do with the topic that we had a disagreement about for a few weeks. Just try not to make them mad (Like don't even ask if you can play drums) for a couple weeks. After that, he might soften up and let you play.

PFOG's advice is great too.

Joey182 03-28-2011 04:59 AM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by daredrummer (Post 819679)
Well first off, I'd stop saying "READ!" at the end of all your threads. It makes me not want to read it.

But back on to topic, the way I deal with my parents when we disagree is to not ask for anything or anything to do with the topic that we had a disagreement about for a few weeks. Just try not to make them mad (Like don't even ask if you can play drums) for a couple weeks. After that, he might soften up and let you play.

PFOG's advice is great too.

1) Can't change it now!
2) I haven't really asked too much I asked about Guitar Center, and one more time if I could get my pad back. He said no and literally FREAKED out.

daredrummer 03-28-2011 05:16 AM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Joey182 (Post 819683)
1) Can't change it now!
2) I haven't really asked too much I asked about Guitar Center, and one more time if I could get my pad back. He said no and literally FREAKED out.

Hmm ok. Well I'd definetely follow PFOG's advice about not buying more drum gear, even if it's your money. When I buy some that I don't nesecarily need, my parents aren't happy, even if it's my money.

Joey182 03-28-2011 05:18 AM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by daredrummer (Post 819691)
Hmm ok. Well I'd definetely follow PFOG's advice about not buying more drum gear, even if it's your money. When I buy some that I don't nesecarily need, my parents aren't happy, even if it's my money.

I bought it because my dad took MY pad that I bought with MY money. so I went and bought a new one...

daredrummer 03-28-2011 05:22 AM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Joey182 (Post 819692)
I bought it because my dad took MY pad that I bought with MY money. so I went and bought a new one...

There's your mistake. He took the pad because he didn't want you to have it. The worst thing you could do would be to go and buy another one.
Like I said PFOG pretty much has it covered.

The only other thing I could suggest is to maybe come to a deal? You do extra chores, and then you can play drums. Something like that.

Morbid Koala 03-28-2011 05:24 AM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Joey182 (Post 819683)
1) Can't change it now!
2) I haven't really asked too much I asked about Guitar Center, and one more time if I could get my pad back. He said no and literally FREAKED out.

According to your post, your dad's nuts.

So....either run away from home now or stay home and save up all the money you'd be spending on custom built, acrylic drum kits you wouldn't get to play anyway until you moved out.

On the bright side, having parental problems usually blossoms into some kind of creative streak that can help you out for a good part of your twenties while you cut your teeth in a whatever 'fill in the blank-core' band you wind up in.

Joey182 03-28-2011 05:30 AM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Morbid Koala (Post 819698)
According to your post, your dad's nuts.

So....either run away from home now or stay home and save up all the money you'd be spending on custom built, acrylic drum kits you wouldn't get to play anyway until you moved out.

On the bright side, having parental problems usually blossoms into some kind of creative streak that can help you out for a good part of your twenties while you cut your teeth in a whatever 'fill in the blank-core' band you wind up in.

He is nuts!
I do think that creativity will blossom, mostly music about growing up and troubles as a teen, but yeah!

mxo721 03-28-2011 05:52 AM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
sorry to hear all this, time flies, you'll be on your own soon, and be able to play all you want, personally, if this was me, I'd dis-own this guy when i turned 18. in the end, blood relation has nothing to do with anything, once you're an adult. some day, he'll be a lonely old man in an old folks home with no one to talk to.

Joey182 03-28-2011 05:58 AM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by mxo721 (Post 819721)
sorry to hear all this, time flies, you'll be on your own soon, and be able to play all you want, personally, if this was me, I'd dis-own this guy when i turned 18. in the end, blood relation has nothing to do with anything, once you're an adult. some day, he'll be a lonely old man in an old folks home with no one to talk to.

Well we think alike, I'm doing the same thing...

caddywumpus 03-28-2011 06:51 AM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Joey182 (Post 819665)
I don't want to quit, but whats the point of owning a kit if I can't play it, which I haven't for the past 2 months because of his thinking.....

Hey...what happened to your "drum house" that you were so excited about?

Joey182 03-28-2011 06:55 AM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by caddywumpus (Post 819762)
Hey...what happened to your "drum house" that you were so excited about?

He made me leave because drums are "a waste of time and money".

harryconway 03-28-2011 10:03 AM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Well ... you're profile say's your 18, and you live in the US. So, the answer is simple ... leave home. You're an adult ... like they say .... when the going gets tough ... the tough get going ...

wy yung 03-28-2011 10:59 AM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
It is my experience parents cannot always be reasoned with. My father beat me and my mother tried to strangle me. So I ran away and got a job. I was 8. You are apparently 18. Leave home, get a job and make your own choices.

Good luck.

Joey182 03-28-2011 01:55 PM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by wy yung (Post 819818)
It is my experience parents cannot always be reasoned with. My father beat me and my mother tried to strangle me. So I ran away and got a job. I was 8. You are apparently 18. Leave home, get a job and make your own choices.

Good luck.

That's terrible!
I mis-clicked when I was making this profile. I clicked 18 instead of 15..

JohnPloughman 03-28-2011 02:05 PM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Golly you have it hard at home.
You are 18, and have the awesome opportunity to move out, support yourself, buy whatever you want, and not have to listen to anyone.

On a side note.......... I have an 18 year old kid living at my house right now. His parents dumped him in a homeless shelter when he was still 17. They got a divorce. Moms doing her "own thing" and the dad....... hes a long haul truck driver. Neither parent has the inclination, nor has made the effort to take care of their kid. So, penniless, dropped in a homeless shelter, and right here, the unemployment is 18%. This is a kid with great attitude, unselfish, great balance. No trouble, no drugs, no simmering angry white boy, hell, he even wears his pants where they belong. And has no business at a homeless shelter surrounded by the lowest dregs of humanity. I wasnt going to leave him in a place like that.

I hope things get better for you.

harryconway 03-28-2011 02:19 PM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Joey182 (Post 819855)
I mis-clicked when I was making this profile. I clicked 18 instead of 15..

Then start saving every dime you can. If your dad won't let you play drums, then you don't need a new (custom) drum kit. If you don't do drugs, then you don't have a drug habit, so your money ain't going there.
If he won't let you play the kit you have, rent it out to someone who can ... with maybe option that you get to play 'em once in a while. Get creative ... suck it up for 3 years ( I was outta my parents house and into University at 17) ... and then bam ... be gone, hit the road running. Start making plans "now" so you'll be ready and prepared for "then".

specgrade 03-28-2011 03:00 PM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
My parents used to say "Move out while you still think you know everything!" I moved out and they wondered why I never came by to see them. Point is until you leave their house you are under their rules. Get used to it. There will always be someone telling you what to do. Quit complaining or move out. Sounds pretty simple to me.

Funnyman 03-28-2011 04:01 PM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
That sucks, I play drums in my garage but my parents don't care, one time the neighbors said they were going to call the cops, it was in the afternoon. My dad said keep practicing anyway lol. What I would do if I were you is find a place where you can jam and practice with friends.

Joey182 03-28-2011 06:44 PM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Funnyman (Post 819910)
if I were you is find a place where you can jam and practice with friends.

I wish!!! Everyone in my neighborhood is like 70+

T.Underhill 03-28-2011 07:19 PM

Re: Som
 
My stepdad wouldn't allow my brother to grow a goatee when he was 18 so I'm getting a kick....

I would take the gear somewhere else and practice, and not discuss anything music/drum related to him. When I was in highschool I could play the school's kit because I was respectful to the instructor. You have to know someone in a band or someone with a drum kit. A nice neighbor with garage space that allows you to practice in turn for mowing their lawn. Use all your resources.

MaryO 03-28-2011 07:44 PM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Or instead of investing in a whole new kit, how about a set of mesh practice heads? I've heard good things about them and how quiet they are and am thinking of gettng a set for myself. Perhaps if you could show how you could practice without being so loud and disturbing others it would help.

And, also, please don't take this the wrong way...stop whining! Complaining and moaning isn't getting you anywhere so start trying to kill them with kindness, so to speak. You know (and I know you don't want to hear this) you are only 15! There's a lot of life ahead of you to pursue the things you want to do. I'm 43 and just started playing drums a month ago. Sometimes, life gets in the way and we have to adjust and learn to be patient. I know it's not easy but we can't always get what we want when we want it (trust me, that's a life lesson you better start learning now...it never changes, no matter how old you are!).

If drumming truly is your passion, that won't go away if you have to wait a little while to start it. In the mean time, get a pair of sticks and practice on a pillow, on boxes, or whatever you have.

I really hope it all works out for you and I hope I wasn't too harsh. Good Luck!

wy yung 03-29-2011 05:41 PM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
This thread reminds me of the movie Footloose.

Just think of the book and movie rights when this story of a disaffected and trampled youth overcomes harsh circumstances on his way to rock n roll fame and fortune....

Live it up dude!

Keep a record of events. One day it may pay off.

Pkaneps 03-29-2011 06:23 PM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Heh...some parents can't be reasoned with. I moved out when I was 17, my stepdad used to take away my music because he thought it was offensive. There were plenty of other things...THAT guy was nuts. Then my mom started to agree with him and they kicked me out three or four times until I finally just never came back...and they wonder why I don't call or visit. 13-17 was the hardest time of my life. But I left and became who I wanted to be.

And for the record, If my kid wants to wear his pants inside out like in Back to the Future 2 and look like an idiot, fine. That's what kids do, styles change.

It might offend me if he joins a church and becomes a Republican, though.

chaymus 03-29-2011 07:10 PM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
It's rough, several things fell under "my house my rules" growing up that I had to do without. Drums, Motorcycles, Hockey, etc. Making my own choices now, I no longer feel like I need to follow up with a dirt bike or that I'm all that interested in hockey. If it matters you have a lot of time to come back to it. Wife gets nervous when I get excited and start talking about purchases, it's an expensive hobby and there's other "choices" that are cheaper and less invasive. Try to find an outlet, marching band or whatever to keep you involved and if you're getting school credit there's something to be said.

Frost 03-30-2011 04:27 PM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by wy yung (Post 820466)
This thread reminds me of the movie Footloose.

Just think of the book and movie rights when this story of a disaffected and trampled youth overcomes harsh circumstances on his way to rock n roll fame and fortune....

Live it up dude!

Keep a record of events. One day it may pay off.

^ I like this response.

You know, I actually knew a Christian girl with similar parents. She is now a porn star, one that is very easy to find with a quick google search.

Joey182 03-30-2011 08:32 PM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Frost (Post 820956)
\
You know, I actually knew a Christian girl with similar parents. She is now a porn star, one that is very easy to find with a quick google search.

That's awful! Very sad actually....

caddywumpus 03-30-2011 08:37 PM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Frost (Post 820956)
I actually knew a Christian girl with similar parents. She is now a porn star, one that is very easy to find with a quick google search.

That's pretty common. People want to do what they want to do, much like our friend Joey, here. When you're being "oppressed", you tend to want to do the thing that your oppressors don't want you to do even more. That's why Catholic-raised girls go WILD in their late teens/early 20s. That's why Joey wants to get new drums so bad...

Pkaneps 03-30-2011 08:42 PM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
I don't find it sad. You make your own choices. People like to blame parents for a number of things but I think that road is pretty short. Sometimes shit happens, but that doesn't make who you are. I've got friends who are 25+ and are still mad at their parents for things that happened when they were little, and blame all their problems on it.

In the end, it's up to you.

mediocrefunkybeat 03-30-2011 09:40 PM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by caddywumpus (Post 821082)
That's pretty common. People want to do what they want to do, much like our friend Joey, here. When you're being "oppressed", you tend to want to do the thing that your oppressors don't want you to do even more. That's why Catholic-raised girls go WILD in their late teens/early 20s. That's why Joey wants to get new drums so bad...

My next door neighbour (my age growing up) parents were both teachers (Latin and English) and forced their only daughter to read Bronte when she was eight. It was always expected she'd be academic and study at University. She was a very bright girl.

A few years down the road and she's been in Prison four times for shoplifting and drug-related offences, lives with her dealer and in a permanent state of drug withdrawal and addiction. She speaks like she's on speed the whole time and gets acid flashbacks. That all started when she was about fourteen.

If that's not an ouch I don't know what is.

Pkaneps 03-30-2011 11:29 PM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
I mean, I rebelled when I was a kid, but jeez. Not that much.

mediocrefunkybeat 03-31-2011 12:05 AM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
She was one of my best friends growing up. One day she came into my room and looked up and nonchalantly asked why the ceiling was turning blue. She'd been dropping acid on her own all day. We tried to help, but no chance. Very sad really.

eddiehimself 03-31-2011 09:01 AM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by caddywumpus (Post 821082)
That's pretty common. People want to do what they want to do, much like our friend Joey, here. When you're being "oppressed", you tend to want to do the thing that your oppressors don't want you to do even more. That's why Catholic-raised girls go WILD in their late teens/early 20s. That's why Joey wants to get new drums so bad...

Probably. And I think the fact that my parents basically just never made me do anything as a child is why i've ended up being a very hard working boring person.

Frost 03-31-2011 12:25 PM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Joey182 (Post 821079)
That's awful! Very sad actually....

In a way, I haven't spoken to her for years, so I am unable to comment on whether or not she is happy now. It's quite possible she is.

inneedofgrace 03-31-2011 05:50 PM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
As a parent of two tennagers, we walk the tight line between doing parenting and being overbearing and controlling. Many times you know your kids are making bad decisions and you want to protect them from the pain and hurt they will cause. On the other hand you eventually have to let them go so they can learn from their mistakes.

Specific to this thread, your father sounds like a wacko, but then again we're only getting your side of the story. My daughter has a friend who's father is a controlling wacko, and limits his daughter on what she can and can't do, who she can hang out with, and where she can go. My daughter just got her license, but in order to drive her friend in the car, you actually have to fill out an application with the father to get approved to drive his kid around. It's insane.

Does your father hate music in general, or just your music? What was his upbringing? Did he have controlling parents? Is there any common ground you can make? If he likes a particular type of music, can you start listening to and playing his music? Do you do any activities with your father? Hobbies? Sports? Do you take an interest in the things he likes to do?

How does your mother fit into the situation? Is she against you playing drums? Can she help by interceding on your behalf?

Being defiant is not going to work. You're going to have to give before you take. I know that is a tough thing to comprehend when you are a teenager, because everything at that age is about you. Trust me, I know this based on my daughter's attitude.

Don't give up, because your only other option is to wait another three miserable years and then get out of Dodge.

Or you could just call Dyfus on your dad and get him hauled off to jail. ;)

Joey182 04-04-2011 08:22 PM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
I got the drums back (for now) So when I get home tonight I will be setting them back up. Probably into a 4 piece to focus more on what counts instead of all the flare.
I honestly won't be too surprised if I have them back down next week, because he grows sick of it very quickly...

THC 04-04-2011 08:45 PM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Are there any times you can play when he won't freak out? Have you guys discussed when and when you cannot play?

Setting your kit back up only to get it taken away the next time you play is a huge waste of everybody's time.

caddywumpus 04-04-2011 11:51 PM

Re: Some unfortunate things as a Teenager... READ!
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by THC (Post 823530)
Are there any times you can play when he won't freak out? Have you guys discussed when and when you cannot play?

Setting your kit back up only to get it taken away the next time you play is a huge waste of everybody's time.

Absolutely! You have to TALK with the other people involved with you drumming...also known as the people who have to LISTEN to your drumming: your parents/anyone else in the house/anyone who can hear your drumming from outside your house. Find out when the most convenient time for you to drum is, in regards to when it will bug everyone the least. Then, have at it.

If not, and you get your drums taken away again, then seriously...that's a HUGE waste of time for everyone involved, including us hearing about it...


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