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drummer_97 05-06-2017 05:25 AM

Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Okay, so this might be a bit weird but anyways. My bandmate, who is a singer/bassist compares me ALL THE TIME to one quite well known professional drummer. He's way cooler, more handsome, has amazing body and of course he's better to play drums. She claims that she is in "love" with this person, and that's why I feel like I'm easily replaceable, or I should be more like him so then I would be "good enough" to be in our band. So what should I do?

P.s. I've dealt with this depression, anxiety and negative self-image, but I'm still healing from that. So this isn't helping at all.

This is a random thread, but I needed to get that out of my chest because this is hurting so much.

opentune 05-06-2017 06:22 AM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
you should ignore this person and just be who you are.
if that doesn't work ask her to not project her 'love' for somebody else on to you.
she sounds weird

brady 05-06-2017 06:23 AM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Who decides who is cooler, more handsome, or has a better body?

Unless this person; 1) Cooks your meals, 2) Pays your bills, or 3) Signs your paycheck, why do you care what they think?

Sorry to be so glib about that, I'm just trying to make a point. I wouldn't stress about trying to be someone else, just be yourself.

Also, I think you're in the wrong band....

toddbishop 05-06-2017 06:24 AM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Well, that sucks. I think what's required is that you assert yourself a little bit, and tell her you don't want to hear it. What's she going to do-- fire you from the situation that's making you miserable? You don't have to make an emotional showdown out of it, just: "Yeah, I don't need to hear that. Talk to somebody else about how much you love that other drummer. Don't talk to me about it any more." And then change the subject.

KamaK 05-06-2017 07:07 AM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by drummer_97 (Post 1500534)
P.s. I've dealt with this depression, anxiety and negative self-image, but I'm still healing from that. So this isn't helping at all.

Is it possible that "dealt" is the wrong tense?

It sounds like she's insensitive, inconsiderate, and self centered. This is a pretty normal, and found in a tremendous number of performers. It might even be a prerequisite.

More worrying is that it gets to you, and you're all shook-up. Find a bit of space and get fit. Therapy, shrink, meditation, medication, profound journey, whatever.

Unless I'm reading the subtext wrong and you've actually been banging her... In which case... yeah, that can hurt. Same medicine, different dose.

picodon 05-06-2017 08:15 AM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Is this a grown up bassist that you're talking about or a 14 years old?
She sounds like my 14 yrs old daughter.
Women can be annoying at that age.
Don't take it personally. She will get easier on you by 15, 16...

AzHeat 05-06-2017 08:21 AM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
So, why is she not playing with him? Is it that she's not good enough, or did she annoy the previous drummer with constant hounding!?

larryace 05-06-2017 08:45 AM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
You could give her a taste of her own medicine, just for laughs.

octatonic 05-06-2017 10:18 AM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by larryace (Post 1500558)
You could give her a taste of her own medicine, just for laughs.

I'd do this- people don't like it when they get a taste of their own medicine.

To the OP- I wouldn't worry, some people have a grass is greener mentality- it is totally her issue and nothing at all to do with you.

Brian 05-06-2017 11:56 AM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by octatonic (Post 1500566)
I'd do this- people don't like it when they get a taste of their own medicine.

To the OP- I wouldn't worry, some people have a grass is greener mentality- it is totally her issue and nothing at all to do with you.

That seems immature. I think Toddbishop has it right; let her know where you stand, how it makes you feel, and move on. If it continues, you know she doesn't respect you ; never mind as a musician, but a person. At that point, it's probably not a good situation for anyone.

octatonic 05-06-2017 12:44 PM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Brian (Post 1500574)
That seems immature. I think Toddbishop has it right; let her know where you stand, how it makes you feel, and move on. If it continues, you know she doesn't respect you ; never mind as a musician, but a person. At that point, it's probably not a good situation for anyone.

In my experience it works better than a direct approach.
People don't like to be called on their bad behaviour and will attempt to gaslight- meaning they will try to shift the blame back to the the person objecting by saying things such as 'it is all in your mind", or "you are too sensitive".

A less direct approach puts the ball in their court- if they object you can simply draw a parallel to their own behaviour and agree to stop it if they will.

Odd-Arne Oseberg 05-06-2017 01:35 PM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Well. It's not uncommon. Singers are the worst and if they're female and high on society's standard scale of physically attractive, they don't have to be, but they are often even worse.

It's really all narcissism and projecting their own insecurities on to others. It's a kind og bullying and if you're a nice and polite person or you stand out a little bit they view that as a weakness they can exploit to feel superior or convince themselves that they're in with some other part of the group.

Instead of getting inspired and improve themselves, they rely on pulling other people down.

It's all over the place. Not just in bands.

Someone's Dad 05-06-2017 01:45 PM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
"You always pull the pig-tails of the one you like." Or something like that.

I suspect it's the comments about your drumming that are really upsetting you. Well, they shouldn't. Even if the last guy was a more accomplished drummer than you, so what? There will always be someone "better" than you, but music is more than the virtuosity of the individuals. Surely you've heard better singers than this girl and better bassists? But I'm guessing that you haven't felt the need to rub her nose in it.

The other personal comments are just strange. I've teased girls that I like, but I've never met an unattractive woman and felt compelled to tell her how she is inferior to the women that I am attracted to. Who's this girl trying to convince?

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks." Or she's got other problems that you don't need to worry yourself with.

You're twenty years-old, you're in a band. You need to enjoy this time and see where it takes you. You'll need to work out whether you can do that in this band. But for God's sake don't lose confidence in yourself or your music because of an immature girl.

GruntersDad 05-06-2017 01:47 PM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
You are 20, so I'm guessing she is also young, and my approach would be to take her aside and just tell her you are tired of the comparisons. Tell her it needs to stop. At the same time, learn to ignore this type of behavior and move on. You will see a lot of comparisons in your life. Some good, some bad.

River19 05-06-2017 02:08 PM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
While I never want to paint with a broad brush on things, in my experience she is in that awkward age of 12 to 30.......

Direct approach. Find a back bone on this one.

It is one thing to be asked to play something differently if it truly improves the result you are going for....it is another for someone with wish someone else is behind the kit when they turn around because she drools over that guy when alone with her thoughts.

Frankly if I heard that shit, I would get his number and dial it up and hand it to her......"hire him or move on and STFU"........that is my knee jerk reaction to this thread this morning :-)

GetAgrippa 05-06-2017 02:39 PM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Why do you care? It isn't a constructive criticism-so why bother to entertain her comments-I'd just ignore her. See the key-you ignore it-it's up to you. You are having some insecurity issues-welcome to the club-but don't feed it with her comments-you are doing a pretty job of beating up yourself already it seems (oh I've been there too about the same age-course then I overcompensated and went the other extreme a few years but like the Buddha found the middle path and a happy medium). You are going to be OK-take the self-criticism to make yourself better rather than mire in your feelings. It takes fire to make steel man-you can drip off as slag or become the steel.

Groov-E 05-06-2017 03:34 PM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Man she obviously likes you and is trying to make you jealous.

That's a classic.

toddbishop 05-06-2017 04:55 PM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by octatonic (Post 1500576)
People don't like to be called on their bad behaviour and will attempt to gaslight- meaning they will try to shift the blame back to the the person objecting by saying things such as 'it is all in your mind", or "you are too sensitive".

We don't know how she's going to respond, but he can't get into a back and forth about it. He doesn't have to prove anything to her. The easiest thing to do is to agree with whatever her response is, and then bring it right back to I don't want to hear that stuff any more.

Thunder 42 05-06-2017 05:14 PM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Groov-E (Post 1500595)
Man she obviously likes you and is trying to make you jealous.

That's a classic.

Yep....................

Hollywood Jim 05-06-2017 07:07 PM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Sit down and have a talk with her. Share your feelings with her just like you shared your feelings with us.
You will be surprised how well it will work.

However in case it does not work, do as Larry said and introduce her to Yolanda the bass player.



.

Hummada 05-06-2017 11:48 PM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Why is every one looking at this like it's a negative thing? What in the hell is wrong with you people!!!!!

She is obviously into you and you should take advantage of that. Being compared to a professional drummer is a compliment! Take advantage of that and see if you can get some action out of it(if you're not into her, then keep the attraction and use it)! For shits sake you are in a good position!!!

drummer_97 05-07-2017 12:08 AM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Wow, I didn't except anyone to answer to this, so thanks guys! The fact is, I like her. And it brakes my heart when she compares me to this person. Like I said it makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Other than that we are having the greatest time of our lives when it comes to our band!

I should tell her, yeah I know. But it"s not that easy. Like someone mentioned, I have insecurities.

But if she likes me.... that's the question.

-drummer97 (btw, I'm from Finland so try to ignore my bad english 😂)

opentune 05-07-2017 02:06 AM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Hummada (Post 1500685)
Why is every one looking at this like it's a negative thing? What in the hell is wrong with you people!!!!!

She is obviously into you and you should take advantage of that. Being compared to a professional drummer is a compliment! Take advantage of that and see if you can get some action out of it(if you're not into her, then keep the attraction and use it)! For shits sake you are in a good position!!!

If you re-read the OP's post you would see this is a negative feeling for the OP. That is what matters.
With your keen desire to take advantage of people one has to ask what the hell is wrong with you!?

Hummada 05-07-2017 05:41 AM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by opentune (Post 1500698)
If you re-read the OP's post you would see this is a negative feeling for the OP. That is what matters.
With your keen desire to take advantage of people one has to ask what the hell is wrong with you!?

If you will reread you will see that I don't need to re-read and you can keep your trap shut.

You assume I have a keen desire which has no credit. So why don't you just say what your opinion is about the citation and leave me the hell alone?

Sorry OP for this BS above, but I stand by what I said. This is an opportunity and you should asses what I said. I'm saying what's going on is not negative, but it's a positive thing. Even if it seems negative.

Matt Bo Eder 05-07-2017 05:51 AM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Groov-E (Post 1500595)
Man she obviously likes you and is trying to make you jealous.

That's a classic.

Well then that sucks for guys like me because nobody ever does anything like this to me. I feel left out for some reason ;)

Brian 05-07-2017 05:51 AM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Hummada (Post 1500715)
If you will reread you will see that I don't need to re-read and you can keep your trap shut.

You assume I have a keen desire which has no credit. So why don't you just say what your opinion is about the citation and leave me the hell alone?

Sorry OP for this BS above, but I stand by what I said. This is an opportunity and you should asses what I said. I'm saying what's going on is not negative, but it's a positive thing. Even if it seems negative.

Not to step into this, but neither of you REALLY can say whether it's positive, negative, or both, unless you're in his shoes. I don't necessarily disagree with anyone.

mikel 05-07-2017 08:57 AM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
I know its easy to say and harder to do but dont let this woman walk all over you. If you let certain people take advantage of you then that is exactly what they will do. For your own self image tell her to stop, or compare her, in a negative way, to some music hottie and see how she likes it. Failing that get out and join another band, Its your life and your career.

Bernhard 05-07-2017 09:41 AM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
I think You are embarassed, because she doesn't sing like Aretha Franklin and don't look like......(your choice)

Bernhard

Hummada 05-07-2017 10:12 AM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Brian (Post 1500717)
Not to step into this, but neither of you REALLY can say whether it's positive, negative, or both, unless you're in his shoes. I don't necessarily disagree with anyone.

I agree other than what you can gather from the original post. It does say it in the p.s. to a point. It's a real world question that doesn't need to be sugar coated IMHO. What I said was based on what I would try to do in that situation and from what I think is going on from what he typed.

You can choose a reaction to almost anything in life rather than automatically react. There's no right or wrong unless it's a movie

opentune 05-07-2017 05:19 PM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Hummada (Post 1500715)
You assume I have a keen desire which has no credit.

Humma your words: "Take advantage of that and see if you can get some action out of it (if you're not into her, then keep the attraction and use it)!".
Geez, that sounds like using somebody for some 'action'. Maybe you meant action is to borrow her bass amp or car. Hey to each his own.
And I gave my opinion to the OP early on before you posted.
But since you asked the rest of us "what the hell is wrong with you people??" ... I simply replied. Its a message board.

picodon 05-07-2017 06:18 PM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Matt Bo Eder (Post 1500716)
Well then that sucks for guys like me because nobody ever does anything like this to me. I feel left out for some reason ;)

No because you're the famous drummer with the heavenly body that is always used as a comparison :D it must be a lonely job :P

picodon 05-07-2017 06:22 PM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by drummer_97 (Post 1500689)
Wow, I didn't except anyone to answer to this, so thanks guys! The fact is, I like her. And it brakes my heart when she compares me to this person. Like I said it makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Other than that we are having the greatest time of our lives when it comes to our band!

I should tell her, yeah I know. But it"s not that easy. Like someone mentioned, I have insecurities.

But if she likes me.... that's the question.

-drummer97 (btw, I'm from Finland so try to ignore my bad english 😂)

Hi drummer97,
I think she likes you. But I can't give any guarantees, because at your age I always guessed wrong and there is no reason why I would have got any better at this 25 years later.
Tell her that whenever Chad Smith (or who was it?) steps in and wants to join the band, you will gracefully lend him the stool, but until that time, ask her if she minds that you continue to play with her?
Is she a good bassist?

larryace 05-07-2017 06:41 PM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Interesting situation.

I'd stay away from her outside of band. It just sounds like trouble. If there is sexual tension on her part, maybe just leave it at that. She doesn't sound like the type of gal that you would be compatible with judging from her propensity to play what I call games. Clearly you would appreciate a person much more who did not make you feel the way she does with her words. Huge red flag, enormous.

If she can't clearly see how it makes you feel, or doesn't care that your feelings are twisting in the wind, she probably never will. I would not explore that option. Instead I would treat her as a learning experience, and use the opportunity to figure out why she pushes the wrong buttons in you. But you like her, yikes. She doesn't sound like the type of woman who you would be good for you. The more you resist her the better it will be for you IMO. It will put you in the power position.

Resist.

Someone's Dad 05-07-2017 07:11 PM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
^^ Uncle Larry knows. Ironically, the fact that you (drummer_97) like her is the exact reason why you need to keep your (emotional) distance. Musicians get plenty of opportunities for "romantic" entanglements. But I'd wager your confidence will only suffer from this one. Concentrate on your drumming, and the girls in the audience. Good luck.

BenjaminCamelot 05-07-2017 07:43 PM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by drummer_97 (Post 1500534)
Okay, so this might be a bit weird but anyways. My bandmate, who is a singer/bassist compares me ALL THE TIME to one quite well known professional drummer. He's way cooler, more handsome, has amazing body and of course he's better to play drums. She claims that she is in "love" with this person, and that's why I feel like I'm easily replaceable, or I should be more like him so then I would be "good enough" to be in our band. So what should I do?

Compare her to Geddy Lee and see what she says.

drummer_97 05-07-2017 08:34 PM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Actually, yesterday she said to me that it would be cool if I admired that drummer, and that my opinion of him would be more like hers. And something like that drummer should be my idol etc etc. I have no idea why. Is it because I should be more like him? At least it sounds like it.

Today she drew a picture of him. Lol. :DD

AzHeat 05-07-2017 08:43 PM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by drummer_97 (Post 1500808)
Actually, yesterday she said to me that it would be cool if I admired that drummer, and that my opinion of him would be more like hers. And something like that drummer should be my idol etc etc. I have no idea why. Is it because I should be more like him? At least it sounds like it.

Today she drew a picture of him. Lol. :DD

Awwwww....what a precious little snowflake! Think like me to be cool, be like someone else to be cool....so typical! I'd be for packing my bags to avoid vomiting on her pretty little shoes!

GruntersDad 05-07-2017 09:00 PM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
I think this young lady bumped her head a few years ago.

drummer_97 05-07-2017 10:39 PM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
There are more stories: She is tweeting that she loves that drummer literally everyday.:D And about a week ago, she said that it would be cool to do a song where is "featuring". I said, okay then you don't need me. She replied that "you can sing, there's plenty of things you can do in this band" ..... unbelieveable.

GruntersDad 05-07-2017 10:59 PM

Re: Bandmate comparing me to other drummer
 
I think you need to call Dr. Phil about a series, or maybe Oprah. Please guys no more Dr. Phil threads.


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