When your significant other DISAPPROVES of Drumming

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Bonzo_CR

Silver Member
I could give up some of the things I do, because they aren't part of how I define myself. It just depends on how much drumming means to you. I would not give up playing the drums, it is too much a part of who I am. My wife gets that, and I am lucky.
 

jdrums1968

Junior Member
That is a rough situation. Did she say why she disapproves of the drumming? If music is important to you need to explain this to her and work out a compromise. I lucked out in that respect. My sig is a graphic artist and spends much time with that. It fees up a lot of practice time for me. Also did not flip when I announced I was going back to school to study music. Find out where yours is coming from and try to work out a compromise. Good luck.
 

Unevil

Member
1st off, as a drummer how do you meet a girl (that you like) that doesn't like drums? Not really important now, so I will move on. Compromise is essential. You can't really go on saying "I want this, I want that,blah blah blah..." Is this band something you would be willing to sacrifice something else for? (besides your fiancee) Would you be willing to part with the TV, or with something else important to you to make room for the band, and have her agree? It would also be very nice to know what the people in that band's intentions are for scheduling. If there are going to be lots of "hey, man head over here we are going to practice(s)" on short notice, it probably won't work out well.

Hope things work out.
 

G123

Member
Great thread, ZOOT! Kind of like a "When things go wrong" thread where everyone can identify and has a story to tell. Because drumming and drummers inspire a lot of passion, it stands to reason that the people dating or married to drummers would be opinionated and/or passionate on the topic, too. The diversity of opinions on this is amazing! You've got "KILL HER!" all the way over to "Do what's best for the relationship" It's a little sad (though not entirely surprising) to hear that marriages have ended over the whapping of the skins.
ZOOT, it sounds like you've effectively communicated your point of view and have got things moving in the right direction, good job! I didn't take up the drums 'til my thirties, and, luckily, my wife was on board. My two cents is this: it's all about being VERY clear with your intentions about playing, gigging and the people you'll be hanging out with. If you've got it all out there, there can't be any questions about what you're doing. You're to be commended just for opening the can of worms on this super-charged topic!
 

Vipercussionist

Silver Member
You should not be expected to change who you are or what you love for anybody, even your wife, even if you truly love her.

If you're positive it's only the lack of discussion she objects to, I'd say work on learning to discuss & compromise. If it's your being a drummer she objects to, then I think you know what to do. From my experience (limited, I admit -- I'm 28), there are two types of women: there are the women who find the perfect guy and make that guy their husband, and there are the women who find any guy and try to mold him into whatever perfect husband they already have in their head. If you've got one of the second type, grab your drums and RUN -- and never look back.
You are a most wise 28 years grasshopper.

(from the 50 year old who learned that lesson much too late)
 
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Big_Philly

Guest
Yeah - I won't be pulling this up for her going, "see honey, all my Internet friends think you're crazy too" ;) Honestly, I posted here so I could get honest answers from people who DIDNT know me. And I got a bunch of great advice. I was able to take a step back and see the problem for what it was, rather than let my emotions control the situation and get pissed that she didnt want me drumming or that she wasnt supportive.

After our conversation last night, things are okay and she actually pulled me aside and told me that she WANTS me to play in the band (because I told her I would quit if she was so against it). Again, I think it was the issue of me not talking to her first before I committed to the band, especially because she felt it was something I was off doing on my own & that I didnt want her to be involved in. I reassured her that she is important to me and that this is something I really wanted to do & she understood.
That's good news. As others said: if it's the making decisions on your own that upsets her, just learn to compromise etc. Remember that intimacy and independence will only mix to a certain extent. If it's your drumming hobby that she disapproves of, you's be better off without her.

I've seen both sides too, even though I am only 22. I have had a relationship with a girl for a little more than a year, who approved of my drumming as long as I played a genre that she appreciated (understandable, but our tastes didn't match - also a no-go), but when it came to buying drum gear... she never understood that part of drumming. I wanted a better kit, her response was "but you already have a kit". I wanted a twin pedal, her response was "but you have a pedal, why a twin pedal?" (and the sad part is the question remained the same when I explained the possibilities -and the reason I wanted one- of a twin pedal to her). The first two things I did when we broke up is wonder why I didn't break up long before that, and go to a music store to buy a twin pedal.
My current girlfriend loves the fact that I am a musician. She is into the same music as me, she loves coming along to band rehearsals and really supports that I get out there and do what I love. Guess which relationship I am more happy with.

My best wishes to you and your fiancee, I hope it all goes well from now on.
 

jonescrusher

Pioneer Member
I've seen both sides too, even though I am only 22. I have had a relationship with a girl for a little more than a year, who approved of my drumming as long as I played a genre that she appreciated (understandable, but our tastes didn't match - also a no-go), but when it came to buying drum gear... she never understood that part of drumming. I wanted a better kit, her response was "but you already have a kit". I wanted a twin pedal, her response was "but you have a pedal, why a twin pedal?" (and the sad part is the question remained the same when I explained the possibilities -and the reason I wanted one- of a twin pedal to her). The first two things I did when we broke up is wonder why I didn't break up long before that, and go to a music store to buy a twin pedal.
You stuck with a girl like that at your age for that long?! She must have had other 'charms'.
 
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Big_Philly

Guest
You stuck with a girl like that at your age for that long?! She must have had other 'charms'.
She did :) Well she wasn't evil, we just didn't match. The first couple of months of our relationship were actually really good, we had some really good times and experiences and the trouble only really began after about eight or nine months or so. Long story short is we were both somewhat afraid of ending up "alone" again I think*. And we tried to get it back on track for quite a while because of this.

But yeah I agree: it should have ended much earlier. Luckily I learned my lessons.
 

Ekim

Silver Member
Sounds like she's a drama queen, as women usually are.

Life's too short to endure drama queen behavior. Slap her bossiness down before you're married or you can endure her ridiculous demands up to and including a 2nd divorce.

I am constantly stunned at how ridiculous most guys are. Bowing and scraping and apologizing to women who are often hormone-driven lunatics.

If she wants to be controlling, let her do it with someone else.
 

DogBreath

Administrator Emeritus
Sounds like she's a drama queen, as women usually are.

Life's too short to endure drama queen behavior. Slap her bossiness down before you're married or you can endure her ridiculous demands up to and including a 2nd divorce.

I am constantly stunned at how ridiculous most guys are. Bowing and scraping and apologizing to women who are often hormone-driven lunatics.

If she wants to be controlling, let her do it with someone else.
So "most" guys are ridiculous and women are "usually" drama queens who need their bossiness "slapped down"? What a sad outllook.
 
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Big_Philly

Guest
So "most" guys are ridiculous and women are "usually" drama queens who need their bossiness "slapped down"? What a sad outllook.
Yeah, his perception on women doesn't entirely coincide with my own. Of course I am not saying that I am always right, but still I frown upon the "slapping down a woman's bossiness" part. So far that has never been necessary for me.
 

Living Dead Drummer

Platinum Member
Kick her out!

Yeah, it's cold and mean, but if ANYONE EVER Told me not to play, then they are not going to be with me.

I know it's not like this for everyone, but for me, this is my job. This is how I pay my bills and keep a roof over my head. I am a Drummer. If my girlfriend, or wife, or whoever, wants a guy with a 9-5, then go be with a guy who has a 9-5.
 

ZootELoops

Senior Member
I think everyone posting now is not reading through the replies. The point that was lost in all this was - when I made my initial post, we hadnt talked about it and it turned out that it was LESS about support to play drums and MORE about me making decisions that affected her/our family without talking to her about it first.

To anyone that responded DUMP HER NOW, you clearly do not understand that in a give & take relationship, it's important - BEFORE COMMITTING, to discuss it with your significant other. It's only common courtesy that I didnt realize I was doing until it was out on the table. She is completely behind me playing in a band and playing the drums & supports all I do, so long as I discuss things with her and keep an open an honest relationship.

Anyone that doesnt give your significant other that courtesy is self-centered and is probably why their relationships havent worked out in the past.

But thanks for responding....
 
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