When your significant other DISAPPROVES of Drumming

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eddiehimself

Platinum Member
As far as i can see, if someone doesn't support what you do there's no point in trying to make it work because there's always going to be someone else who does. The thing is you hear all these stories of people who give up all their hobbies/jobs to be with someone, only for them to be dumped because they've "changed". Well they've been forced into giving up their lifetime passion, of course they've changed! That's the way i see it, you might be different.

Call me sad but i don't think any girl is worth giving up what i want to do. Plenty more fish... as they say.
 

rogue_drummer

Gold Member
Don't let anyone EVER tell you what your passions are and never let anyone keep you from them. I made that mistake when I married a music teacher - voice. She looked good, nice body, nice face, excellent education (master's in music), seemed sweet and tender-hearted, etc., etc. etc.

I thought the same thing a lot of guys think: "this is the one." HA!

We get married and overnight things change. What I once thought was a gift from Heaven turned out to be the most possesive, controlling, egotistical, out-spoken, slob of a woman I've ever met. It was all about HER. The spotlight always had to be on HER. Never mind I had my own passions, it was all about her and her family.

Unfortunately for me, we already had two kids before I realized what I had gotten into. Turns out all she wanted was to prove she could get a man.

We got divorced and now I have my life back. Playing drums was my passion since 11 years old and it continues to this day.

Good luck!!
 

Vipercussionist

Silver Member
Ok, I've got a problem. I was just informed by my fiance that she disapproves of me actively seeking a band to play with. I recently found a few guys on craigslist that seem to be along my level and age, but because I initially committed to practicing once a week with them, she is upset. She says that I often make decisions without consulting her (from buying the drums, a new tv, taking a part-time job or in this case agreeing to play with a band).

So now I'm torn. The reason I started playing the drums was to eventually play with others and perhaps pick up a gig from time to time - but this pretty much pours cold water over that idea. Now I feel obligated to let the guys know I wont be able to play with them, but at the same time, I feel that she is being unreasonable and not supportive of my hobby.

If I was 10 years younger and not living with her (or engaged to get married), I would tell her to screw off and go do my own thing - I mean who the hell is she to tell me what I can and cannot do, but then again, that kind of attitude has resulted in my previous marriage ending, so I feel like I need to be more like "yes dear" and "I'm sorry dear".

What should I do?
You're gonna think I'm nuts, but if that were the scenario for me I would not BE with my significant other. Not only is playing a way to make the rest of the money I need to survive, it's who I am and if she didn't understand that she's not paying attention.

Also, if she feels she can rip your heart out with no repercussions I question her devotion to and knowledge of YOU.

Just my opinion, but I've LIVED this very scenario, so it is really a no brainer for me. You MUST be who you are as you will eventually return to being just that anyway.

She must be happy with who you ARE, not who she hoped to mold you into, a version of someone only SHE has a vision of.
 
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larryace

"Uncle Larry"
Pearls of wisdom I've come to learn that apply here:

Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you are compatible with that person. Love without compatibility cannot survive long.

Being happily accepted for who you are is the only way a relationship stands a chance at longevity.

The way I see it you can:

1. Stay together and sacrifice a beautiful part of yourself, and lose a substantial dose of self respect in the process. You'll resent her from day one, and kick yourself for caving.

2. Give her an ultimatum and let her decide. Either she stays with you and accepts you wholeheartedly, or it has to be goodbye. This is really a non negotiable thing. You can't change what you are, how dare she ask that of you? If the situation were reversed, could she/would she do the same for you? It's like asking a pacifist to be a war monger, it's not natural, and probably can't be done.

If she wants a non musician and you are a musician, then what kind of future do you think will result? Gotta call a spade a spade here.

You are in a tough spot my friend and if ever there was a time to assert yourself, this is it. Nothing less than your honor and self respect are on the line. You have to be happy with yourself before you can make anyone else happy.

It's apparent that you love her, but that doesn't mean that she is good for you. Sad but oh so true. Been there.

I've seen both sides and believe me you don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone who isn't right for you. Life is soooooooo much more enjoyable when you have someone who digs you the way you are right now. I wish I could express to you how great it is to be accepted and supported. It is so energizing, as a good relationship should be. I'm guessing that you've never had it in a relationship, because if you did, you couldn't settle for anything less.
 
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baz

Silver Member
...The night that I met my Wife was the night that the Edmonton Oilers won their first Stanley Cup.

Back then, my two greatest passions were hockey and photography. I knew at an early age that I was never going to go anywhere as a hockey player. I did however feel that my dream of becoming a photojournalist was a reasonable one. I persued it as a side thing, hoping to make the transition from oil patch grunt to pulitzer prize winning combat photographer, and in the process drove my dearly beloved crazy.

My problem was not a lack of support from my Wife, it was my inability to commit fully to my job, or my passion. My job paid the bills and provided the two of us with a decent standard of living, whereas photography stoked my inner fire, and made me feel alive. What drove my Wife crazy was this inability to either poop or get of the pot, which put both of our futures in a bit of a holding pattern. She wanted stability, and a future. I was not sure of what future I wanted.

To make a long story short, I had an epiphany when I had a chance to hang around with a professional photojournalist who was no happier at his "job" than I was with mine. That experience taught me a lot. My choice then was do I turn my passion into a boring job, or turn my decent job into a career, and keep my passion as a hobby. Seeing as you have not seen a video of some jihaddies sawing my head of on youtube, or Al Jazeera, you can pretty much guess the choice that I made.

Once again, in my case I was very fortunate that my Wife had the patience to allow me a certain amount of time to wallow in my indecision. I am not sure how much time I had left had I not had my epiphany. I am also greatfull that anything I may have given up for her was not worth giving her up to hang on to. I have seen friends come to resent each other for the coulda, woulda, shouldas from their pasts. You will know if your dearly beloved is worth it to you.

Also, I have replaced the hockey madness for this drum addiction, but next fall I will strap on the pads once more as I have been asked to join a fifty year old plus defibrulator league.

Barry
 

ZootELoops

Senior Member
I don't know if I would have her read this thread, she might find it weird that your discussing your relationship with a bunch of strangers over the internet.
Yeah - I won't be pulling this up for her going, "see honey, all my Internet friends think you're crazy too" ;) Honestly, I posted here so I could get honest answers from people who DIDNT know me. And I got a bunch of great advice. I was able to take a step back and see the problem for what it was, rather than let my emotions control the situation and get pissed that she didnt want me drumming or that she wasnt supportive.

After our conversation last night, things are okay and she actually pulled me aside and told me that she WANTS me to play in the band (because I told her I would quit if she was so against it). Again, I think it was the issue of me not talking to her first before I committed to the band, especially because she felt it was something I was off doing on my own & that I didnt want her to be involved in. I reassured her that she is important to me and that this is something I really wanted to do & she understood.
 

arthurk1

Senior Member
This will sound harsh, but I say kick her to the curb. A once in a life time opportunity in a band may never come again, but women are everywhere, and there is no such thing as a soulmate and all that crap. I bailed on a very sucessful band once and sure enough, I ended up hating her for it and we broke up.
 

drumhead61

Gold Member
to me it is short and simple...if you two love one another something as trivial as this will NOT be a factor but rather a discussion...both of you will work it out and it sounds as though you have...GREAT.
 

Nodiggie

Gold Member
Ok, I've got a problem. I was just informed by my fiance that she disapproves of me actively seeking a band to play with. I recently found a few guys on craigslist that seem to be along my level and age, but because I initially committed to practicing once a week with them, she is upset. She says that I often make decisions without consulting her (from buying the drums, a new tv, taking a part-time job or in this case agreeing to play with a band).

So now I'm torn. The reason I started playing the drums was to eventually play with others and perhaps pick up a gig from time to time - but this pretty much pours cold water over that idea. Now I feel obligated to let the guys know I wont be able to play with them, but at the same time, I feel that she is being unreasonable and not supportive of my hobby.

If I was 10 years younger and not living with her (or engaged to get married), I would tell her to screw off and go do my own thing - I mean who the hell is she to tell me what I can and cannot do, but then again, that kind of attitude has resulted in my previous marriage ending, so I feel like I need to be more like "yes dear" and "I'm sorry dear".

What should I do?
Well, if it's just a Hobby then I am sure you can come to some sort of consensus. There are countless hobbies out there and many of them will help you foster a great relationship with your fiance. Remember, you are not married yet and this should be a good clue for you before hand. My mother always told me, "you never really know someone until you are married to them". Very true words of wisdom.

However, if this band and gig thing is or has always been a passion for you than it is going to be a very sore subject between you two. My wife never knew that I was a hunter until we got married. I told her "babe, I am married to you 364 days out of the year, there is one day during the year that you will not see me". I guess she thought that was a pretty good deal getting rid of me for at least one day.

I would communicate with her more and find out exactly what she disapproves of and then work it out from there. Sounds to me like she is very insecure about your time, resources and how you manage them without her.
 

baz

Silver Member
This will sound harsh, but I say kick her to the curb. A once in a life time opportunity in a band may never come again, but women are everywhere, and there is no such thing as a soulmate and all that crap. I bailed on a very sucessful band once and sure enough, I ended up hating her for it and we broke up.
...just out of curiosity, how old are you?

barry
 

Old Doc Yak

Senior Member
I'm 72 years old and have been married twice. My current wife and I have been together 32 years. My advice: think twice about marrying this gal. My hard advice: dump her. It aint gonna get any better. If your woman wont support you now, it will get worse later. Find someone who will support you and have good will toward what you do in life. Be particular about who you pick for a partner. Your fiance sounds like my first wife. Bad news.

PS: this isn't really about you joining a band. This is about someone who should care for you enough to support and respect what you do in your life. No respect or support means not enough caring IMHO. Good luck.
 
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SGT_Drummer

Senior Member
first off, i would say to find if there is any reasoning. no offense, but she sounds like a witch. she has a problem with you doing something you enjoy? she has a problem with you taking another job so you can spend MORE money on her? she has a problem with you doing anything without consulting her?

he absolute best advice i can give you is that it is YOUR life. when you go to bed at night, whether she is there or not, it is just you. so in the end its about YOUR happiness. yes, there is room for love and compromise, but if she threw a fit that you are gonna practice ONE time a WEEK, i doubt there will be any compromise.

Time to go shopping buddy! take how old she is, divide by 2, then find twins on that age and you'll never think about her again!! lol. i mean come on man, you could be 50, but your in a rock band playing gigs. chicks dig that. you'll be fine. =D!!
 

Buzter

Member
If you really love to play and it's in your blood you need it like air then dump her. Sorry, not to be negative ,but you've got to. I've seen it a lot.
Ok, I've got a problem. I was just informed by my fiance that she disapproves of me actively seeking a band to play with. I recently found a few guys on craigslist that seem to be along my level and age, but because I initially committed to practicing once a week with them, she is upset. She says that I often make decisions without consulting her (from buying the drums, a new tv, taking a part-time job or in this case agreeing to play with a band).

So now I'm torn. The reason I started playing the drums was to eventually play with others and perhaps pick up a gig from time to time - but this pretty much pours cold water over that idea. Now I feel obligated to let the guys know I wont be able to play with them, but at the same time, I feel that she is being unreasonable and not supportive of my hobby.

If I was 10 years younger and not living with her (or engaged to get married), I would tell her to screw off and go do my own thing - I mean who the hell is she to tell me what I can and cannot do, but then again, that kind of attitude has resulted in my previous marriage ending, so I feel like I need to be more like "yes dear" and "I'm sorry dear".

What should I do?
 

veggo32

Silver Member
I'm 72 years old and have been married twice. My current wife and I have been together 32 years. My advice: think twice about marrying this gal. My hard advice: dump her. It aint gonna get any better. If your woman wont support you now, it will get worse later. Find someone who will support you and have good will toward what you do in life. Be particular about who you pick for a partner. Your fiance sounds like my first wife. Bad news.

PS: this isn't really about you joining a band. This is about someone who should care for you enough to support and respect what you do in your life. No respect or support means not enough caring IMHO. Good luck.

That is some solid advice. This man knows what he's talking about, if she really loved you this would not be an issue.
 

Disco Stu

Senior Member
I don't know you fiancee, so I can't say for sure what is at the root of her disapproval. But I wonder if she thinks drumming in a band is a frivolous pursuit. I wonder if she would have had the same reaction if you joined a softball team, for example.

Is she the jealous type? If so, she may be afraid that being in a gigging band might offer up some temptations for you...adoring fans and all.

Or maybe it really is just the fact that you didn't "consult" her first. I doesn't hurt to bring it up before you take the plunge. Don't think of it as a consultation...rather, think of it as normal conversation. "Hey, I was thinking of joining a band and doing some local gigs, etc."

But whatever the reason, her reaction seems very overblown to me. My advice: Proceed with caution, or walk away.
 

paramac

Member
Ok, I've got a problem. I was just informed by my fiance that she disapproves of me actively seeking a band to play with. I recently found a few guys on craigslist that seem to be along my level and age, but because I initially committed to practicing once a week with them, she is upset. She says that I often make decisions without consulting her (from buying the drums, a new tv, taking a part-time job or in this case agreeing to play with a band).

So now I'm torn. The reason I started playing the drums was to eventually play with others and perhaps pick up a gig from time to time - but this pretty much pours cold water over that idea. Now I feel obligated to let the guys know I wont be able to play with them, but at the same time, I feel that she is being unreasonable and not supportive of my hobby.

If I was 10 years younger and not living with her (or engaged to get married), I would tell her to screw off and go do my own thing - I mean who the hell is she to tell me what I can and cannot do, but then again, that kind of attitude has resulted in my previous marriage ending, so I feel like I need to be more like "yes dear" and "I'm sorry dear".

What should I do?
DUMP HER! SERIOUSLY, IT IS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG, I SMELL DIVORCE OR YOU BEING FIGURATIVLEY CASTRATED!
 
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DrummerDavid

Senior Member
Yeah - I won't be pulling this up for her going, "see honey, all my Internet friends think you're crazy too" ;) Honestly, I posted here so I could get honest answers from people who DIDNT know me. And I got a bunch of great advice. I was able to take a step back and see the problem for what it was, rather than let my emotions control the situation and get pissed that she didnt want me drumming or that she wasnt supportive.

After our conversation last night, things are okay and she actually pulled me aside and told me that she WANTS me to play in the band (because I told her I would quit if she was so against it). Again, I think it was the issue of me not talking to her first before I committed to the band, especially because she felt it was something I was off doing on my own & that I didnt want her to be involved in. I reassured her that she is important to me and that this is something I really wanted to do & she understood.

Sounds like things might turn out for you. Just keep an eye out for any sudden changes...
 
My $0.02 worth....

You should be expected to discuss your decisions with your fiance/wife before acting on them, or at least the ones that impact your finances or large amounts of your time.

You should not be expected to change who you are or what you love for anybody, even your wife, even if you truly love her.

If you're positive it's only the lack of discussion she objects to, I'd say work on learning to discuss & compromise. If it's your being a drummer she objects to, then I think you know what to do. From my experience (limited, I admit -- I'm 28), there are two types of women: there are the women who find the perfect guy and make that guy their husband, and there are the women who find any guy and try to mold him into whatever perfect husband they already have in their head. If you've got one of the second type, grab your drums and RUN -- and never look back.
 
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