When your significant other DISAPPROVES of Drumming

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bobdadruma

Platinum Member
I was married in 1985. By 1990 we had two kids. I stopped playing a few years before the kids were born. During that time I helped with every aspect of raising them. I gutted and remodeled two homes. I spent all of my free time working on things that would be good for my family. One of the homes is a vacation home that we bought in a family resort that has programs that are designed to benefit children. We provided every opportunity for our children. A few years ago my kids had grown to a point that they didn't need as much attention. Daughter in collage and son in the army. I was bored and I started to drink a lot. I knew that I had to do something. I stopped my drinking to excess and I woodshedded with my kit for a while. I began to play with bands again. I didn't cheat on my wife or do anything that was inappropriate. I simply practiced and played with two bands. My wife hates the fact that I play. She won't even speak to me much any more. She resents my taking some time for me. I'm 52 years old and I don't know how much longer I will be able to play. I made the decision to play anyway. You will have to make your own decision based on your personal situation. In my case drumming is enriching my life. If my wife can't understand that then that is her problem. You have to choose!
 

zambizzi

Platinum Member
Bob - that's a nice story with a not-so-happy ending, sorry to hear of your troubles.

What's strange is; when I was spending a lot of time honing my programming skills and learning about technology, my marriage was strained to the limits. My wife hated every minute I'd spend studying and learning. She supports drumming entirely, without question and with much enthusiasm. Drumming brings in zero dollars, the former landed me a decent career that provides for us. Go figure!

I think we need a drum addiction support group! Maybe that's part of what these forums do for us! :)
 

drummydude

Senior Member
Well, I think the common thought of all the above responses is compromise and communication. I've been happily married for 18 years. Probably 15 of those 18 years I was in a working band, playing 2-3 weekends a month. It is possible to do this. But I would like to add that any woman with children want one thing. Security! Although I've stayed active in my musical life, my career as an Engineer has always been my #1 priority because that's what pays the bills. I think this has been key to making my wife feel secure knowing that although I play in bands, it's not something that I put ahead of my professional career. I've had to stop playing out several times because of out of town business, training, whatever. Best thing to handle that is to know other drummers that can cover in your absence.

Also I always try to involve her as much as possible. If at all possible arrange for band practice at your house. I take her to music stores when I'm shopping for my next toy. (Usually she insists that she goes to supervise) One trick I played was to let her decide which color my drums should be. That worked like a charm. If the other guys in the band have girlfriends, fiancé's, wifes, introduce them. My wife usually loves going to my gigs and hanging with the girls. It a nice break for her away from the kids. Also, when you have free time, offer to let her go out and do her thing while you sit with the kid.

Just some ideas. I know everyones situation is different, But I'll say it again. A strong and lasting relationship requires compromise and communication. Talk to her and most importantly, listen. Best of luck to you.
 
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bobdadruma

Platinum Member
Yes, that's what it is. Hi, I'm That Guy and I'm an addict.
Drumming is an addiction of sort. I knew that I wanted to drum when I was a small child. I believe that It is genetic. I get more satisfaction from playing than any other activity. I don't make money at it. You can't put a dollar value on everything. One of my wife's arguments about my playing is just that. There is more to life than money! I will never be a great world renown drummer. I don't care about that. Drumming satisfies my personal goals. It is like golfing, fishing or building a ship in a bottle to me
 
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baz

Silver Member
...there may come a time when you begin to resent her for the things that you have given up for her.

Barry
 

DrummerDavid

Senior Member
When I met my soon to be ex-wife, she heard me play drums by myself, and said I was wasting my talent. I was not in band at the time, and I was just sitting around the house playing video games. I thought"This one's a keeper".

So a few months later, we get married. I was getting the bug to jam with folks again, so I let her know. unh unnh ...no way.

I was like what? Turns out that she is a very possessive and jealous type. She would not even let me jam with my brother, who plays bass. She thought it was just about drugs and groupies. I tried talking to her. I said "No, it's about music. My brother is married, there will be no girls there, and we may just drink some beers." I even invited her to tag along. She wanted no part of it.

Here was a situation were I tried to communicate with her, tried to get her involved, but she still wanted no part of it. If I had cheated on her while being in a band, I could understand....but that never happened.

So years of resentment builds up, and I made a huge mistake.

Ten years later after we said I do, and we are divorce.


So I am trying to get back in the game(Jamming with a cover band-but not yet played out due to lack of singer for a few months, and then bass player quits after we finally find a singer-I am even thinking about starting up a jazz band-something I never played before).

She even made a statement similiar to"Well, now you are playing drums, but you don't have your family. Is it worth it?"

Talk to her, get to the root of the problem. If she just wants to be in on the decision making process, let her.

But if it turns out to be like the above situation...I would get out now.
 

aydee

Platinum Member
That being said, I've had to make a lot of compromises.
"I could'a bin buying 4 kits a month instead of a measly 2!"

It just sounds like you two need to talk and lay the issues out on the table. That's not just a requirement to gain her support for your drumming, it's going to be a requisite for a successful, long-term relationship.
The truth. right here.
 
i say you put it real nicely that you have been drumming for some time and this is more than just screwing around. This, is your life. Music really envelopes a large part inside yourself, and that this means a lot to you...

I mean I would assume she would go with one of these two reactions...

1) "oh well I didn't know it was that much to you, in that case...."

or

2) "as long as you can find time for me, after all I'm going to be your wife, and that is your number one priority"



... See, I can't imagine her saying that it's between drumming or her, because to me that just really dumbs down the importance and permanency of marriage.
 

Boomka

Platinum Member
I don't disagree, I was amplifying the thoughts of my fellow drummerworld member. Though it does speak volumes when ZootELoops is willing to air out this situation to us when it should be with his fiance.

I'm not ripping on him for it and it's evident in my original response. There is no difference of opinon here buddy.
I know, we're good. :) I just know that when I'm in a barney with my wife, I sometimes need to step out and bounce some ideas off a third party just to see if I've lost my mind or not. Perhaps that says something about our relationship, but I think it's fairly standard OP.
 

ZootELoops

Senior Member
Seems kinda strange to air this stuff out in a forum where no one really knows you and expect to get any kind of a good answer.
It seemed like a logical question to ask & where better than to a bunch of strangers that don't know me from Ringo. I figured there may be others who's significant others also disapprove, so I might get real-life advice.

And I appreciate all the replies. Many of which were well thought out and made perfect sense. Others - well, I expect there to be those too - after all it is a public forum.

So the conclusion of this story involved me coming home from work yesterday after reading what was posted prior to 4pm and having a sit-down conversation with her. Sometimes she has a tendency to bottle things up and when "that time of the month" rolls around, it all flows out (pun intended). She digs up stuff from months/years ago.

Anyway, that's not the main issue here. The main problem is that i am used to making a decision and doing it... not necessarily consulting anyone about it. I bought 2 drum sets without asking her (although it was my money and we werent engaged at the time, just dating, but living together) and this is one of the reasons my previous marriage didnt last.

So I understand now why she gets upset about this and I have told her that I will try to stop before making a decision and at least run it past her first. This seemed to smooth things over and ironically, right in the middle of our conversation, an old client of mine called asking me to do something for him. Normally I would have said, yeah no problem, let me get on it, but I told him I needed to talk it over with my fiance and get back to him.. I think that showed that I was willing to change.

Just so you know, we are both in our mid-late 30s. I have been previously married and she has not. I started playing drums a year after starting to see her, so running out to join a band is something I probably should have discussed with her first anyway.

So thanks to everyone for their advice. It helped me hopefully get my relationship to a higher level and prepare us for marriage through communication and compromise.
 

supermac

Senior Member
Without airing my dirty laundry in public, I'm in a similar difficult domestic situation.

After years of being 'submissive' on the drum front, I am now back out gigging (not excessively, just once every 3 or 4 weeks) with my pals.

And I recently bought an electronic kit for the spare room.

I decided I didn't want anybody telling me I couldn't do what I've loved doing since I was 10 years old.

Stick to your guns, reach a comrpomise, and drum.

If you don't, you'll only feel regretful and resentful in the future.

After all, we're all only here just the once...
 

larryace

"Uncle Larry"
I've had relationships in the past where there was no support. Hell, at the time, I would have settled for indifference. Big surprise, those relationships didn't work. I am engaged now. My fiance supports me in every possible way and is as enthusiastic as she can be about my musical endeavors. And for that she has my undying love and support. She can't wait to see me play because she is proud that she is with me. I can't tell you how good that feels, and now that I have it, I never could have it any other way. I just know how deliriously happy that it makes me to be ACCEPTED for who I am. Not only am I accepted, she loves the fact that I play! This is a major source of contentedness and happiness for me. Zoot's musicality isn't even accepted. It will cause major rifts further down the line. This I can guarantee, unless Zoot castrates himself and says "yes dear". (Don't do it!) This will undoubtedly lead to resentment which is a cancer. You will never be as happy as you are capable of with this situation. What else are you going to have to deny yourself of? This is not a good pattern. It is the difference between being happy and being miserable. This is a major issue, and I fear that Zoot will attempt to sacrifice something that he really can't and darn well shouldn't. Zoot, have her read this thread and discuss it with her. Better to nip this thing in the bud and deal with this RIGHT NOW. What is she sacrificing? Nothing? Give and take? Or take and take?
 

PQleyR

Platinum Member
A lot has been said already...all I can offer is simply the opinion without frequent, honest communication, no relationship will work properly, whether it's with a band member, a significant other, a parent or a child. No-one can ever be truly at peace in a relationship where the people involved have to guess how the other(s) feel all the time. That leads to misunderstandings, sadness, fear, and all these things that undermine so many relationships.

Also, though, don't forget that the communication you have with yourself is probably the most important of all. Other people will see you how you see yourself. Being in touch with how you actually feel, and what you actually want, is the root of all happiness.
 
C

Christ-Hammer

Guest
I've had relationships in the past where there was no support. Hell, at the time, I would have settled for indifference. Big surprise, those relationships didn't work. I am engaged now. My fiance supports me in every possible way and is as enthusiastic as she can be about my musical endeavors. And for that she has my undying love and support. She can't wait to see me play because she is proud that she is with me. I can't tell you how good that feels, and now that I have it, I never could have it any other way. I just know how deliriously happy that it makes me to be ACCEPTED for who I am. Not only am I accepted, she loves the fact that I play! This is a major source of contentedness and happiness for me. Zoot's musicality isn't even accepted. It will cause major rifts further down the line. This I can guarantee, unless Zoot castrates himself and says "yes dear". (Don't do it!) This will undoubtedly lead to resentment which is a cancer. You will never be as happy as you are capable of with this situation. What else are you going to have to deny yourself of? This is not a good pattern. It is the difference between being happy and being miserable. This is a major issue, and I fear that Zoot will attempt to sacrifice something that he really can't and darn well shouldn't. Zoot, have her read this thread and discuss it with her. Better to nip this thing in the bud and deal with this RIGHT NOW. What is she sacrificing? Nothing? Give and take? Or take and take?
I don't know if I would have her read this thread, she might find it weird that your discussing your relationship with a bunch of strangers over the internet.
 
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