When your significant other DISAPPROVES of Drumming

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ZootELoops

Senior Member
Ok, I've got a problem. I was just informed by my fiance that she disapproves of me actively seeking a band to play with. I recently found a few guys on craigslist that seem to be along my level and age, but because I initially committed to practicing once a week with them, she is upset. She says that I often make decisions without consulting her (from buying the drums, a new tv, taking a part-time job or in this case agreeing to play with a band).

So now I'm torn. The reason I started playing the drums was to eventually play with others and perhaps pick up a gig from time to time - but this pretty much pours cold water over that idea. Now I feel obligated to let the guys know I wont be able to play with them, but at the same time, I feel that she is being unreasonable and not supportive of my hobby.

If I was 10 years younger and not living with her (or engaged to get married), I would tell her to screw off and go do my own thing - I mean who the hell is she to tell me what I can and cannot do, but then again, that kind of attitude has resulted in my previous marriage ending, so I feel like I need to be more like "yes dear" and "I'm sorry dear".

What should I do?
 

GruntersDad

Administrator - Mayor
Staff member
Communicate and compromise. Does she have any hobbies or activities that take her out of the house on her own??
 

Boomka

Platinum Member
I feel that she is being unreasonable and not supportive of my hobby.
I tend to agree. But you can't enter into these things cocksure that you're right if you want to mend your relationship.

If I was 10 years younger and not living with her (or engaged to get married), I would tell her to screw off and go do my own thing - I mean who the hell is she to tell me what I can and cannot do, but then again, that kind of attitude has resulted in my previous marriage ending, so I feel like I need to be more like "yes dear" and "I'm sorry dear".

What should I do?
Is it the lack of consultation that's bothering her? You need to talk to her and figure out just why she disapproves. If it's because she wants to spend time with you, then you need to negotiate. One night out for drumming for one night doing whatever she wants could be a possible compromise. If it's because she feels that you don't discuss things with her, it may be that she feels that you haven't really given over to her and the relationship. Whether or not it's rational for her to think that way really isn't important, you'll need to address those feelings somehow. It sounds to me like there is something more than "disapproving of drumming" going on.

You also have to do some soul-searching and ask yourself whether YOU (not her...) can be happy if you're not playing drums. Are you going to be any kind of a partner if you feel unfulfilled or resentful that you gave up your passion? There is nothing wrong with standing your ground a little. I have pursuits that don't involve my wife - and vice versa - and it's good for both of us.

Also - and I'm a complete stranger, so take this for what it's worth - but you need to examine a relationship that won't allow for the people in it to do the things that make them who they are. I presume she knew of your desire to play in a band before now? Granted, my wife and I met at at time when I was working as a musician for a living, so she knew exactly what was going on from minute one. She's been very supportive of my playing and teaching career and recognises that music is a huge part of my life. But, even if it's not your main bag, it's a fairly innocuous hobby and one that may have emotional benefits for you and your fiancee when all is said and done.
 

DrumEatDrum

Platinum Member
Let me put it this way:

Do you really want to spent the rest of your life with someone who doesn't want you to do what you love?

I realize I don't know you, or her, or your entire history, so this may seem harsh, but I'd leave her in a heart beat.
 

That Guy

Platinum Member
Ouch.

Before you jump to conclusions and start thinking that she doesn't support your hobby you need to take a step back and ask yourself why you are feeling this way and why she is reacting the way she is. Is it becuase of your past behavior and now she is putting her foot down? Have you made her feel as if she comes 2nd in your relationship somehow? You just listed a number of expensive things that you purchased and made a weighty decision about employment without consulting her.

If she is your fiance then she has the right to ask you to consult her before making important decisions. When your married you need to do that if you wanna remain a strong family unit. One of the worst things that can happen in a marrige is when the couples start making thier own decisions based on what they personally want before consulting the other and what's best for the marriage. This is how money issues and resentment end up ruining a marriage.

You might be getting a wake up call. Maybe your not ready for marriage.

Please don't think that I am siding with your finace. I just think (based on your post) that you need to get to the root of the problem becuase it apparently is going to be an issue. You need to find out where it stems from. I'll bet she feels that you are not being as responsible as she feels a finace/future husband should be. You need to talk to her. You need to find out whats up before you're permanently in the dog house.

Also, she might not be so against your ideas as long as you talk it out with her. Not just talk at her, but listen to her feelings on it as well. The band idea might not be thrown to the flames yet, but you need to find out what the root of the problem is.
 

ZootELoops

Senior Member
Is it the lack of consultation that's bothering her? If it's because she feels that you don't discuss things with her, it may be that she feels that you haven't really given over to her and the relationship.
I think most of it is - when I make decision to do something, I do it. I'm an independent person and although I have full disclosure with her, I usually talk about it AFTER it's been done. I can understand that this makes her upset.
 

zambizzi

Platinum Member
Man, that's tough. Of course I don't know you or your sig. other but it may be a bit of insecurity on her part. Perhaps she feels like time away from her to play music isn't justifiable.

Personally, if my wife didn't support the things that I love to do I'm not sure how long we'd stay married. I'm a fiercely independent guy and a relationship like that would have never lasted for me.

That being said, I've had to make a lot of compromises, especially having a family and a full-time job. You can't have a good relationship w/o compromise, the two aren't mutually exclusive.

It just sounds like you two need to talk and lay the issues out on the table. That's not just a requirement to gain her support for your drumming, it's going to be a requisite for a successful, long-term relationship.

This is Dr. Phil saying...........thank you, and good night.
 
B

Big_Philly

Guest
... - I mean who the hell is she to tell me what I can and cannot do, but then again, that kind of attitude has resulted in my previous marriage ending, so I feel like I need to be more like "yes dear" and "I'm sorry dear".
I'm an independent person and although I have full disclosure with her, I usually talk about it AFTER it's been done. I can understand that this makes her upset.
She is your fiancee. I think it is very reasonable that she expects you to talk things over with her, but I don't know you guys personally so correct me (or just ignore me) if I'm wrong.

I think That Guy made some really good points in his post. Go to the root of the problem. And remember that intimacy and independence will only mix to a certain extent.

Drum Eat Drum also has a valid point. You may need to re-evaluate your relationship. Every now and then I try to stop and look at my own relationship with these 4 criteria in mind:
For a successful relationship you need:
-Mutual admiring of each other (this includes physical intimacy but most of all I mean admiring each other's personality etc.)
-Completing each other (where one is weak, the other must be strong)
-Being able to do the things you love together
-Mutual openness (honesty, and saying what's on your mind).

Of course, I am a complete stranger to you and your significant other. I may have misinterpreted your situation, so again: correct me or just ignore me if I am wrong. But I hope this helps.
 

harryconway

Platinum Member
I think most of it is - when I make decision to do something, I do it. I'm an independent person
And rightly so, you should be your own person. If it's your money and your time. Plenty of worse things you could be doing. Drugs. Blowing money on prostitutes. Gambling. You and her need to talk. Communication is key to any relationship. Especially if you want it to go any distance.
although I have full disclosure with her, I usually talk about it AFTER it's been done. I can understand that this makes her upset.
Working deffinition of insanity, here. Doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. If you "understand", why keep doing it? Tell her "what" you're gonna do "before" you do it. And if she has fears, negative feelings, etc, you find out why, and you solve those. Life/relationships are filled with compromise.
 

NUTHA JASON

Senior Administrator
you could be doing a lot worse things than drumming. a healthy social hobby that can be potentially bringing in a bit of dough and allows you to get rid of tension and be creative. try to make her see that you could be a layabout alcoholic never-leaves-the house-husband. space is important and mutual respect of eachother's needs.

i'm lucky tho, my wife met me at a gig so she knew right from the start that she was marrying a working drummer.

j
 

larryace

"Uncle Larry"
Smells like a deal breaker to me. You'd better stick up for who you are and tell her in no uncertain terms that this is who you are and if she doesn't want that then she better get out now.
 

Ainulindale

Gold Member
marriage is give and take and talking to her before you make big decisions, just remember the before part ;-)

sacrifice and compromise are the key words in any relationship, a (future) marriage in particular, if she's worth it you'll work it out together...
 

mikeybbdrummin

Senior Member
No, she doesnt. She has a 7-yr old that is her #1 priority (even above me, which I understand).
I would assume the 7 year old lives w/you. I don't know your situation, but most of the time stepparents (I am to three) take on a responsibility (financial and family wise) that honestly isn't there's to do. But do it, and know whats expected going in to the situation. If she knew you were in to drums all along, to me it would be a lot of her to ask you not to do something once a week that you enjoy. If it's OK for you to take on HUGE responsibility that she wants you to (provided I am correct) why could you not do what you want to?
 
N

nhzoso

Guest
Seems kinda strange to air this stuff out in a forum where no one really knows you and expect to get any kind of a good answer.

Best I can come up with from what you say and the fact that you even say it here tells me that you should in no way be married.
 

That Guy

Platinum Member
Seems kinda strange to air this stuff out in a forum where no one really knows you and expect to get any kind of a good answer.

Best I can come up with from what you say and the fact that you even say it here tells me that you should in no way be married.
That was my first initial reaction too. (I stated that in my post) Yet, we don't know the intimate details of the situation. We can offer mature help based off of what we know. Honestly, I'm dumbfounded by the immaturity in the responses to his question.
 

Baddstuff

Senior Member
I really wanted to add something constructive but the more I think about it the more I realize I cannot come up with one valid reason for her being so against this. This is beyond my scope of understanding so all I can say is good luck with this and I hope it works out for the best.
 

Boomka

Platinum Member
That was my first initial reaction too. (I stated that in my post) Yet, we don't know the intimate details of the situation. We can offer mature help based off of what we know. Honestly, I'm dumbfounded by the immaturity in the responses to his question.
Not to get off-topic into a metadiscussion about the thread, but I figured he needed to vent about this to people he thought might understand his predicament and passion for drumming. Whether or not our advice is sound is really beside the point if it gives him a chance to bounce some ideas around and get some perspective by talking about it and hearing opinions about it.
 

That Guy

Platinum Member
Not to get off-topic into a metadiscussion about the thread, but I figured he needed to vent about this to people he thought might understand his predicament and passion for drumming. Whether or not our advice is sound is really beside the point if it gives him a chance to bounce some ideas around and get some perspective by talking about it and hearing opinions about it.
I don't disagree, I was amplifying the thoughts of my fellow drummerworld member. Though it does speak volumes when ZootELoops is willing to air out this situation to us when it should be with his fiance.

I'm not ripping on him for it and it's evident in my original response. There is no difference of opinon here buddy.
 
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